How to Be a Very Cold and Quiet Person

Co-authored by Leslie Bosch, PhD and Christopher M. Osborne, PhD

Last Updated: November 20, 2022 References Approved

Some people who are introverts by nature spend their lives pretending to be outgoing extroverts in a misguided effort to please others. Introversion is nothing to be ashamed of, and it’s healthy for your wellbeing if you can accept yourself as you are. If you prefer to keep to yourself most of the time, send out signals—through what you say and don’t say, through body language, and so on—to let others know. Embrace your ability to live life on your own terms, but never use introversion as an excuse to be hostile towards others.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Sending Signals to Others

1
Keep to yourself when you feel like doing so. Having friends and connecting with other people is emotionally healthy, but so is spending time alone. If you’re happier and healthier with more “me time” than others might be, that’s okay.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- When you need to interact even though you don’t really feel like doing so, organize your thoughts so you can keep the interaction as brief and basic as possible.
- If you’re not comfortable sitting in the middle of the crowd in school, look for a spot in the back of the room or another more isolated spot. Join the crowd when you want to.
2
Remain quiet when you want to be instead of feeling obligated to talk. There will be times when you have to talk to others, but don’t try to be talkative or even loud and boisterous just to “fit in” or please others. Being quiet most of the time, and being thoughtful and soft-spoken when you do communicate, will send out the message that you want to interact with others on your own terms.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- Pause and think before speaking. Consider whether a comment is really necessary. It is surprising how often being quiet is the best response.
Advertisement
3
Keep your opinions to yourself to avoid attracting attention. Expressing your opinions openly will draw attention and maybe even stir up trouble with other people. Save these opinions for close friends and family, or for times when you feel the urge to share them.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- Other people may see you as fascinatingly mysterious if you don’t share your feelings and opinions widely.
4
Use body language to let others know you want to be left alone. For instance, if you’re in the hallway between classes, lean against the wall with your arms crossed or in your pockets, and with the bottom of one foot resting up on the wall. This body language reveals a distanced attitude.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- Limit the amount of eye contact you make. Instead, look down at your feet or stare off into space.
5
Be quiet and introverted without being intentionally unpleasant. Go ahead and be silent when you want, but do speak when spoken to and use at least a mildly pleasant tone. There’s no reason to give the impression of being rude. If you want to give off any impression at all, it's best to seem mysterious.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- Being “very cold and quiet” doesn’t mean you have a free pass to treat other people like trash. You deserve to be able to be left alone, but other people deserve to be treated by you with basic dignity and respect.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Following Your Own Path

1
Stop trying to please others by ignoring your own wants. Be courteous to others, but stop choosing actions based on the sole criteria of whether those actions will please others. Learn to set boundaries on your time and availability so that others become aware of your limits.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- Sometimes, you just really need to say something like the following: “I’m sorry, but no, I can’t help you today. I really need some “me time” this afternoon.”
- You have no right to harm others through your actions or inaction, but you also shouldn’t feel guilty about prioritizing your own wants when possible.
2
Respond (or don’t respond) to others in the way you see fit. If a particular situation or someone else’s words or actions make you want to grin, smirk, or do nothing at all, follow your instincts. Accept your own honest feelings, actions, and words—or the lack thereof—as valid. That said, you must also accept others’ honest reactions to the ways in which you respond or don’t respond.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- Being yourself is more important than basing your actions on the opinions of others, but that doesn’t mean you’re free to be rude or spiteful. Don’t respond at all instead of being intentionally rude in your response. Others may still interpret your lack of response as rude, but that’s out of your control.
3
Identify what you want without factoring in others’ interpretations. When you’re trying to figure out what you truly want to be or do, don't concern yourself with how other people might interpret your actions. Eventually, you’ll have to factor in whether you’re unnecessarily bothering or harming others, but save that evaluation for later, after you’ve identified your path.
- For instance, focus first only on your own wants as you come to the realization that you want to quit your job and find something better suited to your personality. Only after you’ve identified this want should you consider how it might impact others around you.
4
Make time for quiet, thoughtful activities if they suit your introverted nature. For example, your classmates in school might want to go play football or swim or ice skate, but you might just want to read a good book. Reading is both an emotionally calming and mentally stimulating activity for many introverts, so don’t be ashamed to make it your leisure activity of choice.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- Journaling, writing creatively, and producing artwork are also activities that are often well-suited to introverts. However, don’t feel obligated to do only these things because you’re an introvert. If you want to go play football or ice skate, do it!
5
Keep people at your arm's length. Cold people don’t let anyone close enough to get to know them and they know a lot of ways to do it. When someone ask about themselves, they distract or change the conversation. It’s not necessarily because they dislike people, but they find it more difficult than most to be congenial or engaging. And if the coldness is soul-deep, they don’t feel enough interest in other people to justify showing any. They isolate themselves to avoid those who might want to get to know them.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Accepting and Improving Yourself

1
Embrace who you are first and foremost. You can’t control whether other people accept you as you are, but you can control whether you do. If, for instance, you’re naturally quiet and have a disinterested and indifferent attitude to many things in life, accept that as your truth. So long as you aren’t causing harm, there’s no reason you can’t be who you are and be proud about it.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- Instead of wishing you were different, take the time to really learn about yourself. Identify and celebrate the positives about “you being you,” and identify paths toward self-improvement when appropriate.
- Be self-centered. You are your own main focus. Cold people don’t have an easy time talking to other people, much less seeing life from someone else’s way. Be neither curious nor interested in other people.
2
Analyze yourself without harshly criticizing yourself. Learn to recognize your honest feelings and reactions, then decide which you want to keep and which you want to adjust. Make it your goal to be the best version of yourself.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Don’t ignore your shortcomings, but also don’t berate yourself for having shortcomings. Identify them, learn from them, and strive to make improvements, but don’t try to completely change who you are.
3
Seek help toward self-improvement when you need it. Introverts, especially those who are both quiet and cold by nature, sometimes get labeled as “dark, “disturbed,” or even “dangerous.” These are rarely fair or true labels, but if you feel like your thoughts or actions aren’t good for your own wellbeing or the wellbeing of others, never be ashamed to seek professional help.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- Talk to your primary care doctor for referrals to mental health professionals.
- A good therapist won’t try to change who you are. Instead, they’ll use various techniques to help you bring out a healthier version of yourself.