This article was co-authored by Sabrina Grover, LMSW and by wikiHow staff writer, Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA. Sabrina Grover, LMSW is a Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW) who earned her degree in Advanced Clinical Practice from New York University. Sabrina has experience working in substance abuse recovery centers and schools where she gained experience providing evidence-based treatment to children, adolescents, adults, and families. Sabrina specializes in Dialectical, Narrative, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapies. She has particular expertise in treating clients struggling with grief, complex trauma, interpersonal difficulty, family conflict, anxiety, and depression. She commits to providing a supportive environment for everyone who commits to growth and offering a warm, non-judgmental atmosphere.
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There are lots of reasons someone might feel like an enemy. It’s possible that you’ve hurt each other in the past, or you might be really competitive with each other. No matter the reason, having enemies is always an unpleasant situation. Fortunately, you might be able to turn your enemy into a friend. Start by reaching out to them to start the process, then work on mending your relationship. If you do that, you and your enemy could be building a friendship together soon!
Steps
Reaching Out
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1Make the first move to open the lines of communication. If you feel comfortable, talk to them in person. However, you can also contact them online or via text message. Tell them “hello” and ask how they’ve been doing.[1]
- You might say, “Hey! How’s school going?” or “Hi! It’s been a long time since we’ve talked. I was wondering how you’ve been.”
Variation: If you and your enemy have a mutual friend, it’s okay to ask them to be a buffer as you try to initiate contact. Invite both your enemy and the mutual friend to do something together.
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2Invite them to meet you in a neutral location. They’re probably going to be surprised that you’re reaching out to them since you've been enemies in the past. That means they may feel nervous about meeting up with you. Pick a place where neither of you have strong ties so that you can both feel like equals.[2]
- For example, you might ask them to meet with you at a local coffee house that just opened.
- However, it might be best to avoid asking them to meet you at your lunch table or at your home.
- Say, “Want to grab a cup of coffee at Good Beans?” or “I’m going to feed the ducks at the park. Wanna come?”
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3Give them a reason to see you as a friend. At first, they might be suspicious about why you’re reaching out to them. Think about how you’d feel if they suddenly started talking to you. Let them know that you want to make up. Additionally, show them you’re interested in a real friendship by telling them why you’re reaching out.[3]
- You could say, “I know things have been rocky between us, but I don’t like that. I’d much rather us be friends,” or “We’ve had some conflicts in the past, but I think we have a lot in common. Maybe we could try being friends.”
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4Look for common ground that you can use to build a friendship. While you and your enemy may have differences, you likely have some things in common. Talk to them to learn more about them. Then, find common interests that unite you.[4]
- For example, you might both enjoy playing soccer, you may both like being creative, or you might both like the same TV show.
Tip: Sometimes the thing you have in common can be what’s made you enemies. For instance, maybe you’re both into playing tennis and are really competitive with each other. Instead of being enemies, you could try to help each other be your best.
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5Make friends with your enemy’s friend group. Having mutual friends will help you and your enemy become better friends. Reach out to their friend group and invite them to do a group activity. You can do this before or after you reach out to your enemy to open the lines of communication.[5]
- For instance, you might host a game night at your home, or you could make plans to see a movie as a group.
Repairing the Relationship
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1Talk to them about how their past actions made you feel. There’s probably a reason why this person is an enemy. Consider what they did that pushed you away from them and how it made you feel. Then, remind them what happened and how it affected you.[6]
- You might say, “I know that you made up that embarrassing nickname that everyone calls me. It really hurt my feelings that you did that.”
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2Apologize for your actions that hurt them. While you might not be the main aggressor in this situation, you’ve likely made some mistakes in the past. Take responsibility for your actions and tell them that you’re sorry. This will help you both move on.[7]
- You could say, “I know that I hurt your feelings, and I’m really sorry about that. I hope you can forgive me,” or “I know you’re mad that I dated your ex, and I totally understand that. I’m really sorry for hurting your feelings.”
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3Forgive them for the things they did in the past. They may have really hurt you in the past, but hanging onto that pain will prevent you from being friends. Letting go of your pain and anger will help you move on, so forgive them for what happened. Acknowledge how you feel, then make a conscious decision to stop carrying that pain around. You can choose whether or not you want to tell them you forgive them.[8]
- Telling them you forgive them can go a long way toward forming a friendship. Say, “I appreciate what you said. I forgive you for what happened.”
Tip: Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that what they did was okay. It just means that you aren’t going to carry around the weight of that pain anymore.
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4Look for the best in them instead of focusing on their faults. Everyone has good qualities and bad qualities. If you only look at a person’s bad qualities, it’s easy to think of them as an enemy. Try seeing this person in a more positive light by picking out their best qualities.[9]
- For instance, you might recognize that they’re outspoken, they’re good at listening, and they’re kind to animals.
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5Assign positive motives to their actions when you’re feeling upset. It’s likely that they’re going to do things that irritate you sometimes. It’s easy to assume they’re doing these things on purpose, but they probably aren’t. Instead of getting upset, try to think of positive or neutral reasons why they might make these choices.[10]
- For instance, let’s say both of you signed up for the same volunteer position and you find out that they talked to the person in charge to increase their chances of getting it. That might make you feel like they went behind your back. However, you could choose to believe that they had no intention to hurt you and just really care about the job.
Building Your Friendship
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1Maintain regular communication with them. You’ll need to communicate with them in order to grow your friendship. Talk to them in person regularly, and keep in touch via text or messaging. Try to check in with them at least a few times a week if not daily.[11]
- For instance, you might talk to them every day at work or school. Additionally, you might send each other memes back and forth.
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2Listen to them when they’re talking. People are more likely to want to be friends with you if they feel like you really listen to them. Make sure that you’re focused on what this person is saying rather than thinking about your response. Additionally, nod your head and say things like, “uh-huh” to let them know you’re listening.[12]
- Try to repeat back what they said to you. You might say, “Wow, it sounds like work is really stressful right now.”
- Ask them follow-up questions so they know you’ve been listening. You might ask, “Did you ever figure out what happened?” or “What are you going to do now?”
- Try to bring a non-judgmental attitude to the conversation. Make sure the person knows that you're there to listen and be supportive.
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3Open up to them a little bit at a time to slowly build trust. True friendship requires intimacy, but you don’t need to rush to bare your soul to them. It’s okay to take your time and slowly reveal details about yourself. Give them a little information at a time, and eventually you’ll have a good friendship.[13]
- For instance, you might start by telling them about a goal you’re pursuing. Then, you might reveal a few of your interests that only your friends know about. After you’ve been friends awhile, you might feel comfortable talking about your secrets or personal problems.
- Similarly, don't pressure someone else to open up to you about their past. Build a strong relationship first; when the time is right, they'll start to open up.
Tip: You might feel nervous about opening up to this person because they’ve been your enemy in the past. That’s totally okay! Take things slow and don’t tell them anything you don’t feel comfortable with them knowing.
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4Invite them to do things you both enjoy. Spending time together will help you solidify your friendship. Look for things that both of you will enjoy, then invite them to join you. This will help you both have fun with each other.[14]
- For example, you might invite them to go watch your favorite sport together, or you could ask them to join you for a horror movie fest if you both like scary movies.
- Use your common interests to help you pick good activities.
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5Set boundaries so that you both know what to expect. It’s best to take things slow so that neither of you gets your feelings hurt. Having good boundaries can help you do that. Consider what caused you to become enemies in the first place, then figure out how you can prevent that from happening again. Additionally, identify ways you can prevent your friendship from moving too fast.[15]
- For example, let’s say you and your former enemy used to get really competitive with each other. You might set a boundary that you won’t trash talk each other.
- Similarly, you may be worried that you’re going to share too much information too fast. To prevent this, you both might agree to start your friendship with group hangouts instead of one-on-one activities.
Warnings
- Don't get too close in a short period of time. Give your friendship time to grow and develop naturally.⧼thumbs_response⧽
- If you feel that this person is a threat to you or someone else, tell someone you trust immediately.⧼thumbs_response⧽
References
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-transition-from-enemy-to-friend/
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2012/05/make-your-enemies-your-allies
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2012/05/make-your-enemies-your-allies
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-urban-scientist/201003/how-spot-friends-enemies-frenemies-and-bullies?quicktabs_5=0
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-transition-from-enemy-to-friend/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-urban-scientist/201003/how-spot-friends-enemies-frenemies-and-bullies?quicktabs_5=0
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-transition-from-enemy-to-friend/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-transition-from-enemy-to-friend/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-transition-from-enemy-to-friend/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-transition-from-enemy-to-friend/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-urban-scientist/201003/how-spot-friends-enemies-frenemies-and-bullies?quicktabs_5=0
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/making-good-friends.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/making-good-friends.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-urban-scientist/201003/how-spot-friends-enemies-frenemies-and-bullies?quicktabs_5=0
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-urban-scientist/201003/how-spot-friends-enemies-frenemies-and-bullies?quicktabs_5=0
About This Article
Having enemies isn’t very pleasant, so consider making your enemy your friend. Try opening the lines of communication by sending your enemy a text or direct message asking them how they’ve been doing. If you feel comfortable enough, you can even talk to them in person. If they seem open to talking to you, invite them to a neutral place, like a coffee shop, to chat. They may seem suspicious about why you’re reaching out to them, so let them know early in the conversation that you want to make up. For example, say something like “I know things have been rocky between us, but I don’t like that. I’d much rather us be friends.” To learn how to talk to your enemy about how their past actions made you feel, keep reading.
