How to Get Someone Who Hates You to Like You

Co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Last Updated: February 22, 2023 References

You’re never going to be able to get everyone in the world to like you. That’s just the way it is. However, sometimes you can be put in a situation where someone you really need or want to get along with just doesn’t like you for whatever reason. Maybe it’s a coworker, or a boss, or a friend of a friend. These situations can really make your life difficult, so it’s worth it to know how to change someone’s mind.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Getting to the Bottom of Hatred

1
Find out if they really and truly hate you. Hate is a strong emotion, one very few people feel casually. Do they actually hate you? Or are you possibly projecting your own negative perception of yourself onto them?^{[1]
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Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 29 November 2021.}^{[2]
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Research source} That said, the following signs could mean there is some beef between both of you.
- Intentionally making your life difficult (deliberately annoying you, messing with your work, for instance).
- Ignoring your words and conversations, especially when you're trying to speak with him/her.
- Talking trash about you behind your back.
- Throwing unwarranted cruel language and insults your way at every opportunity.
- Acting rude to you, but being very kind to others. Also, if he/she suddenly acts angry or annoyed around you when he/she didn't seem to be before, that's a sign that they don't like you.
2
Dig into the reason they dislike you so much. Just be straightforward and ask them. 90% of the jerks harboring hateful feelings won't have much to say back to you -- they're just angry people. When confronted, they'll stammer, hem, and haw, because there is usually no good reason to hate you. But, if they do respond, you'll have a chance to make things right:
- If they are uncomfortable, just flash them your pearly whites and say, "It's all right. Let's just try and be better friends in the future." If that seems a bit condescending, you can go with, "I understand if you'd rather not talk about it. I just noticed that you don't seem to like me and was curious."
- If they tell you a reason why, say "That's good to know. I'm working on being a better person, and not doing ________." If you can give them a concrete step, like you're trying to make less of a mess in the work kitchen to be more respectful, let them know.
- If their reason is unreasonable or dumb, just admit that not everyone's perfect and move on. Don't waste any more breath trying to tame a jerk who doesn't want to be tamed or hates you for a really immature reason.
- They might say that they "just don't like you". If that's the case, accept that some people just can't bring themselves to like certain others. It's nothing personal.
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3
Look back on your past few interactions. Did you blow them off? Forget a favor? Insult them casually? Embarrass them? Maybe you've been a bit braggadocious lately without even knowing it -- complaining about a the maid being late when they can hardly afford a broom, for example. Really dive deep into your personal interactions with them (you're not perfect either!) and then try and make it right by bringing up any slights.
4
Address the problem head on. Once you know what the issues is, you have to make an effort to fix it. Don't get snippy and fight them ("I was not rude to you, you were just being a sensitive wuss!"). Smile, apologize when needed, and make a plan to do better next time. ^{[3]
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Research source} Tell them that you know you’ve had your disagreements, but that you just wanted to be straight with them and work things out. Most people will respect this. If they don’t, at least you tried to be mature about the situation.
- Be direct without being pushy. For example, say one of your coworkers hates you because you backed into his car a few weeks ago. "Listen, I'm really sorry about your car. I made a mistake, and I shouldn't have been so careless. I feel horrible, and I want to find a way to make it up to you."
- If you still don't know what caused the problem, say something like, "Hey, I'm not sure what's up, but I've noticed that you're kind of upset with me. I hope I haven't done something to piss you off. What's up?"
5
Not everyone is going to like you -- deal with it. In fact, this is a good thing! If you're living your life and staying true to yourself, you're not going to get along with all seven plus billion people on the planet. If you have tried everything else and the person still hates you, then that's how the other person is. There is no way you're changing that, and why would you want to? You can feel good knowing that you put in an effort to change their mind -- it makes you the much bigger person.^{[4]
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Research source}
- Ask yourself why you want to improve your relationship with someone who doesn't like you, especially if the way they treat you affects your self-esteem and confidence.^{[5]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  Expert Interview. 29 November 2021.}
- Hate is an extreme, passionate emotion. If someone is so invested in disliking you, then they likely have other things going on in their life that have made them so angry and upset.
6
Avoid the person to avoid the hatred. This isn’t always possible, but put them out of your life if you can. Remove the problem from your life. There’s no benefit to having someone like that around, so block their calls, ignore them on your way in the door, and banish their existence from your brain. Most bullies and haters will run out of material once you stop interacting with them. Don't give them your time. Don’t put yourself at risk of verbal abuse.
7
Move on. Make friends with other people. Plenty of other people will like you, and some people will hate you. That’s just the way the world works. Move on and start fresh with someone new. Don’t let it grind you down, because that's what the haters want. You've already risen above them by trying to make things right. Leave the rest of the haters in your metaphorical moral dust.^{[6]
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Research source}
- Remember the quote, "haters gonna hate". Truer words have never been spoken. Don't let your life revolve around someone who hates you.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Killing Hate with Kindness

1
Lend a helping hand to your so-called "enemy." You don't want to -- no one wants to help out a jerk -- but you should. Find ways to be supportive and helpful around this person, in ways that make the most of your own strengths. Just do small things without calling attention to the favor. You're not "winning them back" or courting them, you're just being a good person. Be casual kind: don't make a big deal of it or ask for thanks, just get it done.
- If they don't have any lunch at lunch time, offer to give them something of yours.
- If they make a joke that they and their friends find funny, laugh.
- If they respond with anger or hatred to your kindness, just walk away. It's a defense mechanism for the hurt and lonely -- not true hatred.
2
Make them help you. Studies show that this is even better than helping the other person out.^{[7]
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Research source} And you get free labor! Keep the request small and manageable, or honor them with a bigger collaborative task if you're feeling bold. They'll feel good about helping you out, which makes them feel good about you. Its the best kind of reverse psychology, and is the result of something called "cognitive dissonance."
- Trying to win over someone by harming yourself is pointless. If they're going to screw it up intentionally, then forget them. You'll find plenty of other friends who aren't so cruel.
3
Make an effort to have regular conversations. Make the first move in order to fix any broken friendship. Invite them for tea, go see a movie, go on a double date, or just stop by their desk. Get out there and talk to each other. A lot of the time, people only hate others because they don't know or understand them. Granted, the first few conversations will probably be tough, since they "hate" you, but they will melt. Even the hardest hearts want a friend.^{[8]
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Research source}
- "How was your day/weekend?" is the simplest, but most effective token of friendship you can offer, and you can use it anytime, anywhere.^{[9]
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- Ask questions about them instead of talking about you.^{[10]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Lisa Shield
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 11 March 2021.} He already hates you, so giving him more of you isn't doing you any favors, right? But people love to talk about themselves. Focus on listening, getting to know where they come from so you can become a better friend.^{[11]
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  Research source}
- Find shared interests. Solving the hatred isn't necessarily enough -- not if you want to ever be friends with someone. Try to find something that you can talk about together. Maybe you both like the same sport, or riding motorcycles, or dancing, or collectible cookie jars.^{[12]
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  Research source}
4
See them outside of your normal hater-habitat, like work or school. Get them to go out with you somewhere, usually as part of a group. More likely than not, they will not accept an invitation just to hang with you -- and you're not going to have a great time with someone who hates you. But, in groups, a casual setting is the perfect place to strike up conversations that lead towards friendships.
5
Be friendly with their friends. Once his or her friends realize you're not the second coming of Satan, it's going to be a lot harder to hate you. You aren't stealing friends, by the way (and you thought he hated you now!), you're just being your friendly, personable self. Whether you notice or not, his friends get to work on the hater for you.

Expert Q&A

Question

What do you do when someone hates you for no reason?

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor

Expert Answer

Being around somebody who doesn’t like you, doesn’t respect you or treat you well doesn’t do wonderful things for self-esteem and confidence. If you must interact with someone who is not pleasant, keep interactions short and conversations brief unless necessary. Remember, you are good enough, smart enough and people like you.
Question

How do you know if a person hates you?

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor

Expert Answer

We often think someone doesn’t like us because we have a negative perception of ourselves and that is something we must improve on our own in order to have meaningful relationships. If you really feel as though there is validity to your perception, it's important to have a goal in mind for what you want the relationship to look like and for what to do.

Warnings

Some people will take advantage of you. Be careful.

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They might question why you want them to like you or be your friend, especially if you have a past with the other person. You will need to work hard to get past this.

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Avoid being rude back. If someone is going to go out of their way to bring you down, don't do the same to them. Just keep living your life as you like it and know that people who bring others down have the most issues.

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Don't let them manipulate you. If they know that you want them to like you, they could easily use that against you.

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Don't obsess over one person not liking you. It's not worth it, and you'll just look crazy.

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Respect the other person's wishes if they tell you that they don't want to be friends with you, even if you have been very nice to them. You're not owed friendship, and you'd want someone else to respect your decision.

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