How to Become a Cougar

Last Updated: February 2, 2023 References

Are you ready to buy a one-way ticket to Cougartown? A cougar can be defined as a woman in her late thirties or forties^{[1]
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Research source} who is successful, independent, hot, and ready to meet some younger men. Being a cougar is all about the attitude -- if you own it, then no one will judge you and you'll be on your way to having a sexual Renaissance. If you want to know how to be hotter than Mrs. Robinson or Miranda from Sex and the City, just follow these steps.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Getting the Attitude

1
Be independent. A true cougar is independent -- both financially and emotionally.^{[2]
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Research source} Though it would be fun to meet a new guy and to hook up with him or even have him romance you, you shouldn't need to meet a new guy every time you go out. A true cougar is comfortable enough with herself that she doesn't need some eye candy by her side to make her feel whole. You should have your own friends, your own hobbies, and your own meaningful career or passion instead of depending on another man to make you feel complete.
- The guys you meet will be used to having young girls who are needy trying to take up all of their time. You'll show them that you're different from these girls because you don't need them. In turn, this will make them want you even more.
2
Shrug off rejection. If you're setting out to be a cougar, then you obviously know that you're going against many people's traditional ideas about how a woman your age should act. And that's perfectly okay. It's up to you to own your lifestyle, and to be proud of the woman that you are. If some men make fun of you for it -- or, more likely, some other women, then learn to brush them off and move on with your day. You don't have time for it.
- If people tease you for going clubbing instead of staying at home, don't sweat it. You're just living it up and going for the life you want. Everyone has their own definition of happiness.
- Then again, a cougar is more likely to not even think about failure in dating. She knows there are men who will drool over her beauty and sophistication and provided she chooses the right man when it suits her, she'll never be at a loss for a date. Remember that not wanting commitment, only wanting a short-term relationship and being very sexy are enormous turn-ons for younger men. Plus, they get the chance to be shown the ropes.
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3
Toss your baggage aside. If you're in your forties, then it's likely you've had some challenges at this point in your life. Maybe they were professional, maybe you had to go through a rough divorce, or maybe you're having trouble dealing with your young children. Whatever your problems are, try to kick them to the curb whenever you go out. If you're serious about dating the young man you find, you can open up to him eventually, but try to keep things fun and light when you go out into the dating world.
- This doesn't mean that you should lie if you just went through a divorce or whatever. Just try to open with the light stuff and talk about the serious stuff later.
4
Exude confidence. If you want to be a cougar, then you've got to own it.^{[3]
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Research source} March into a room like you own the place, not like you feel like you're crashing your daughter's prom after-party in your own basement. Show the guys that you love who you are, love where you are in life, and are happy with what you do. Smile, make eye contact, and stand proud and tall. Be optimistic when you make conversation, and show people that they should feel happy to be in your company.
- If you want to wear a tight dress and high heels in your forties, then woman, you've gotta have confidence to tie it all together. If you have the right attitude, you'll be catching every guy's eye.
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Be proud of your experience. Don't think that all of those years you spent dating, in marriage, or being out and about in the world are worth nothing. This is different from casting your baggage aside; you should realize that you are a woman of experience and be proud of all of the different things that the people in your past and present have taught you. If you've had three careers, be proud of it. Lived in five states? Even better. Don't try to downplay all of the fun and exciting things you've done in your life -- they'll only make you sound more impressive.
- When you meet a new man, tell him about all the cool stuff you've done. He'll think you're even more awesome because of it.
6
Get strong^{[4]
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Research source} and show the best of yourself to others. Younger men and women, your peers and those you work with are attracted to or inspired by a woman who doesn’t second guess her decision making, has some life experience and knows how to get what she wants. Indeed, this is a time to be a great mentor to younger people who look up to you; you'll be helping them and you'll feel useful and important imparting your knowledge to them. If you feel as if you aren’t ready to go for the gusto, recall your life achievements and what you did to get there. It's time to stand tall and be the woman you know you really are deep down; life isn't waiting for ever and it's time to seize the now.
- Think about what it took to land your current job or routine. Did you impress your boss or others with your knowledge or demonstrate unwavering decision making? Are you one of the best in your industry and why do your peers respect you?
- Consider the many things that you do well. Are you a great mom who can clean a mean house? Or are you a shark in the boardroom, typically getting the wavering board members to bow down to you?
7
Stop feeling guilty about or responsible for others.^{[5]
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Research source} With age and increased experience, many an overly responsive woman realizes that people own their own problems and that she doesn't have to anymore (not that she ever did). Let those family members and friends who have over-relied on you to this point find their own way in life. Detach yourself gently or boldly, depending on whom you're dealing with, and let people make their own decisions so that you are free to make yours.
- Learn to blow off people who make your life lesser. You don't need people who drain you of energy, take advantage of your or drag you down. No self-respecting cougar tolerates such people.
- Being cold and distant is often considered cruel. However, it's an art form and using such a demeanor with some people is essential so that they get the message and know that they're cut out of your life. Moochers, users and narcissists beware.
- Feeling a little disconcerted at being the one to take control and get what you want? Realize that being in control and getting what you want are actions taken for granted by many men; the cougar learns this to her advantage, gaining both power and respect.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Getting the Look

1
Update your haircut. Highlights work well as they cover up the grey hairs that have begun sprouting and give an even color tone. Most cougars are opting for sexy, younger looking hairstyles. Just make sure that the haircut looks good on your face and fits your age and body type. Don't try to rock the Miley Cyrus super short spiky haircut unless you think it's really right for you. You can try updating your look by getting bangs, layering your hair, or cutting off hair that is so long that it has started to look a bit stringy.
- You can go for a shorter bob if you think your long hair is too messy and unruly, but you should be careful. You don't want to cut your hair so short that you're starting to rock the Grandma look.
- Years ago, middle-aged women would cut their hair into a “sensible” style and let the greys pop. Today, no way. It’s about sweeping, shapely, sexy hair. Think Jennifer Aniston and Demi Moore, not Martha Stewart. (However, think Helen Mirren if you do want to go grey and sexy; it's all in a good haircut coupled with the independent attitude.)
2
Update your wardrobe. Choose clothing and shoes that are runway ready. The latest fashions and styles are always worn by powerful cougar women. That doesn't mean that you actually have to shop at the most expensive store in town, but you should find clothes that flatter your body and make you look smoking hot. For dating, wear clothes that accentuate how hot and toned your body is, or how curvaceous you are. If you have a tracksuit, burn it, now.
- Show off your best features. If you've got legs to die for, flaunt em.^{[6]
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- Research what colors and clothing styles would look best on your body, and don’t be afraid to try something new!
3
Get in shape. Although some may say that once you hit 40, there is nothing you can do about the battle of the bulge, cougars say, “give me a break.” You can look as good as you want if you put your mind to it. And if you don't want to look like a runway model, that's perfectly fine, too. Just hit up the gym enough that you feel good about your body and feel like you're in a healthy frame of mind.^{[7]
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- However, don't forget that curves can be ultra sexy too, provided you're still toned and svelte. Go with what works for your body type.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Meeting Guys

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Look in the right places. If you want to find younger men, meaning men who are 25 and younger, then you can't go to the typical places where you would go, such as nice restaurants or spas. You'll have to check out happy hour in your town's financial district, go to a sports bar on game day, or check out bars or clubs in your neighborhood that cater to a younger crowd. This doesn't mean you have to go slumming and go to a sketchy bar that only serves $2 PBRs, but it does mean that you should go to a place that a younger guy would like and one that he could afford.
- If you want 'em really young, go to bars that cater to a college audience. Just make sure your man can legally drink.
2
Find the right man. True cougars don't date men their age (or older). You've already been there and done that and this age group has been found wanting. The point of being a cougar is to date younger men, whose experiences and way of thinking are fresh, enthusiastic and more women-friendly. Of course, avoid dating anyone under the age of 20 because you could be dealing with jailbait (underage partner), plus you have to consider that you're old enough to have given birth to someone this young.
- While you may like your men young, try to remain within an age range where you could possibly be their date but not their mommy––you don't want to play wet-nurse to an immature fledgling of a man still trying to find his way in life.
- Look for confident, sexy and well dressed young men. Seek eye contact; if they meet your gaze and hold it, you're onto a good thing.
- Avoid young men who clearly have insecurity issues. They need to grow up without the lessons you have to teach; your experience and sexiness might be the last straw in their fragile egos.
- Choose between men you befriend and men you date. Those you befriend are your long-term friendships (with or without benefits); those you date tend to be very short-term, perhaps even one night stands, and are easily blown off.
3
Teach him a thing or two about life. The advantage of being a cougar is that you've had a lot of experience and know what to do with it. So, if you meet a guy you like spending time with, you should teach him a thing or two without sounding like his mom or his teacher. It doesn't have to be anything too serious. Order your favorite drink for him or give him some advice on getting a promotion. Let him know that you're fun to have around and knowledgeable.
- You can do this as long as you don't threaten the guy's manliness. Teach him a thing or two without making him feel like he's clueless.
4
Teach him a thing or two in the bedroom. This goes without saying. Once you've got the guy in bed with you, you don't have to follow his lead. Hey, he's 22 and has probably had the same boring sex with his ex-girlfriend from high school until he saw you and your amazing moves. Don't wait for him to give you what you want; show him how to do it. He'll be turned on when you take the initiative, and both of you will be grateful that you took the time to tell him what's really going on.^{[8]
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- Young men are grateful in bed and love the experience of older women. Also, guys in their early twenties are more at their sexual peak than men your own age, so enjoy the benefits.
5
Don't worry about the age difference. If you want to have fun with your new boy toy, then you have to stop mentioning the fact that he's young enough to be your son. That's not what matters. What matters is that you're having a good time and want to keep having one...instead of worrying that he's not even old enough to rent a car.
- Don't bring it up, and if it does come up, just laugh. You can teach him a thing or two without reminding him that he's half your age.
6
Keep the upper hand in the relationship. A cougar never lets the man take control of the entire relationship, even if she lets him “think” he has it. Be one step ahead of the men and anticipate his next move. Be ready to walk away at any time should he start to get too serious or if the relationship is headed in the wrong direction.
- This is your ultimate power; just remain calm, stick with your long-term plan to date widely and freely and you'll be fine.

Community Q&A

Question

How can I deal with dating a younger man when my ex hates him?

Community Answer

He's your ex, so don't give him power over your life. Date who you want and let go of the need for approval. Trust yourself and realize your own approval is all you need.
Question

Is it okay for a cougar to fall in love with her boy toy?

Community Answer

Yes, it is very natural for that to happen, just continue exuding confidence and everything shall be all right.
Question

How do I approach a younger man?

Community Answer

Walk up to him and say hello. Have confidence. It's sexy, and sets you apart from many younger, insecure women who just stand around twirling their hair expecting the man to take all the risks.

Warnings

Wait several months before introducing any new man you've turned long-term serious about to your children. Children of divorce can often become quickly attached to or instantly despise a new person. Give the relationship a long time to marinate and let your children see how happy you are before the formal introductions.

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