How to Choose Between Two Girls

Co-authored by JT Tran and Janice Tieperman

Last Updated: January 7, 2022 References Approved

Romantic feelings can be really tough to deal with, especially if you have them for more than one girl. It’s even trickier when both girls are waiting for or expecting you to make a decision. If you’d like to visualize and organize your thoughts before making a decision, draft a concrete list for yourself that helps you compare the pros and cons of each girl. If you don’t want to write down your feelings, give yourself some time to really think and sort through your emotions so you can figure out what you want. Once you make a decision, share your feelings with both girls and see what comes next.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Listening to Your Heart

1
Imagine what you’d like your long-term relationship to look like. Ask yourself if you’re looking for something serious, or if you’d prefer something a little more casual. Do you want a hookup situation, or a steady girlfriend, or a long-term partner? Think about where you are in life, and what your goals are beyond these two girls. As difficult as it is, try to separate yourself from your current feelings and view things in the long-term.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- For instance, if you’re focusing on your career, you may be looking for a stable, long-term relationship. Think about which girl can better offer you the stability that you’re looking for.
2
Reflect on how you feel about yourself when you’re with each girl. Notice how each girl makes you feel about yourself. Keep tabs on your emotions and thoughts after you spend time with each girl. Look for the changes in your own personality when you spend time with each of these girls and really consider which aspects of yourself you want to feed.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- For instance, if one girl tends to correct or nitpick you a lot, you may not want to pursue a long-term relationship with her.
Advertisement
3
Be honest with yourself. Don’t put pressure on yourself to start a relationship right then and there. If you can't bring yourself to give a definitive "Yes!" to either girl, you may want to give yourself some breathing room.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- There’s nothing wrong with taking some time to yourself! Both girls will prefer to hear the truth than be part of a half-hearted relationship.
4
Identify any negative feelings that are holding you back. Try to dig a little deeper into your current emotions. This can be a little tricky, but do your best to pinpoint a couple of specific emotions. These feelings may provide some valuable insights into your decision, or may help you realize that you aren’t really looking for a relationship at all.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- For instance, you may be blaming your indecision on a specific reason, like neither girl feeling like your ultimate soulmate.
5
Think about what both girls want in a future relationship. Imagine what both girls are looking for in a relationship, and consider their interest levels in you personally. There’s a chance that neither girl is looking for an exclusive relationship, or that they aren’t interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you. Keep in mind that any potential relationship should revolve around open communication, emotional support, and cooperation.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- Don't be afraid to think outside the box. There are many ways to make relationships work. The important thing is that everyone's on the same page, and that you aren't hurting anyone's feelings.
6
Talk to a friend or family member if you’re struggling. Explain your situation to a loved one, describing your relationship with each girl. Ask your close friends and family members about their thoughts and opinions. While you don’t have to listen to their feedback, they may help you narrow down your decision overall.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- For instance, a friend might share a negative experience they had with 1 of the girls that you never even knew about.
7
Choose the girl you’d like to go out with. Make your final decision, even if it’s difficult. Remember, there’s no right or wrong answer—you just need to focus on what’s best for you and your own life.
- The honest road can be the hardest road, but it may also be incredibly rewarding.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Creating a Pros and Cons List

1
Evaluate your relationship with each girl. Think about what they have in common, and try to understand how they're different. Ponder all of the wonderful things each girl has to offer, and consider how each relationship might look in the long run. Before you make your decision, give yourself plenty of time to think things over.
- For instance, you may really enjoy the late-night talks you have with one girl, while enjoying the adrenaline rush you have with the other.
- Trust and communication are also big factors to consider as you make your decision.
2
Draft down the “pros” of each girl on a piece of paper. Think about the best elements of each girl and write them down in 2 separate charts. These qualities can be serious or light-hearted—just jot down the first things that come to mind.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- Good qualities might include: fun to hang out with; great conversations; amazing lover; good listener; trustworthy; intelligent; jaw-droppingly beautiful; gets along well with your friends; lives in the same area; loves to travel; makes you smile.
3
Jot down the “cons” of each girl on the charts. Dig a little deeper and think about some negative qualities. These cons don’t have to be anything huge—just anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or unhappy. Write down as many as you can think of so your list is as accurate as possible.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- Bad qualities might include: quick temper; different values; not a resounding "Yes!"; not your "type"; lives far away; poor physical connection; and stresses you out.
- Pros and cons lists are often used when you’re trying to get out of a relationship, but they can also be a great tool when you’re testing the waters.
4
Separate the less important qualities from the long-term qualities. Sort your list into “wants” and “needs,” which may help you narrow down your decision. Place superficial qualities in the “want” category, like “plays video games” or “makes a lot of money.” Move long-term qualities into the “needs” category, like “takes time to listen to me” and “gives me space when I need it.”^{[9]
X
Research source}
- If one girl satisfies a lot of your wants but not a lot of your needs, you may be a step closer to making your decision.
5
Take a few days to choose the girl you’d like to go out with. Give yourself several days to really think about and consider your own needs and desires. Although there’s no need to rush, you don’t want to take weeks and months to make a decision. While it’s important to prioritize your own happiness, be considerate of the girls’ feelings as well.^{[10]
X
Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source}
- It may help to give yourself a set amount of time, like 3 days or so.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Telling the Girls

1
Let down the girl that you didn't choose. It's important to tell this girl first if you want to make a clean break. Try to clearly express that you still care about the girl and value her feelings, even if you don’t want to take things to the next level. Remember that her feelings are just as valid as yours, even if you’re dealing with some tough emotions.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- Letting this girl down will force you to confront your feelings for both girls. No matter the situation, this may help keep you from breaking any promises to the other girl.
- For instance, you can say something like: “I really care about you and value your friendship, but I don’t think it’d be a good idea for us to go out together.”
2
Inform the girl that you chose that you’d like to go out with her. Communicate your choice clearly, letting the girl know about your true feelings. After you share your feelings, give the girl time to react to your decision. Even if she doesn’t share or reciprocate the same feelings, it’s important to get your thoughts out in the open.
- Consider writing down your thoughts beforehand or practicing your speech with a friend. If you aren't sure what to say, it might help to prepare.
- For instance, you can say something like: “I really like you, and I’d love to try and make this work. Would you want to go out with me?”
- Remember, if you've been dating around, the girl you decide to stay with may not realize you want to be exclusive unless you tell her outright.^{[12]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  JT Tran
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
3
Stand by your final choice. Stick with the decision you make, and don't waste time second-guessing yourself. Don’t be wishy-washy or try to change your mind after you’ve made your final decision. Instead, commit to the girl you’ve chosen and focus on your new relationship.^{[13]
X
Research source}