How to Tell if He Really Loves You

Co-authored by John Keegan

If your man is more comfortable talking about work, sports, or anything else besides his feelings, you might be frustrated and wondering if he really loves you. The good news is you don’t have to be a mind reader to know if your guy is crazy about you. All men are different, but guys who are in love usually behave in predictable ways. By keeping an eye out for certain signs, you can get a good sense of how truly in love your beau really is.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Observing His Actions

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Notice how he treats you. If your boyfriend loves you, he will treat you with respect. That means that he listens to you and cares about what's going on in your life. He notices the little things that you like and goes out of his way to give them to you. He values you as a person, and he genuinely listens to your opinions. Doing these things shows he honestly cares about you.
2
See how much you question his feelings. If a guy really loves you, it's doubtful you'll need to question it. That is, he's going to make you feel his love in one way or another, by showing you how he feels and saying it to you.^{[1]
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- On the other hand, you have to make sure that maybe you're not letting your insecurities overrule the emotions of someone who obviously loves you. In other words, you may not feel like he loves you, but it could be just your anxieties talking. If past partners have said you get clingy sometimes, it may be a sign you're insecure. You may also notice yourself trying to be extra nice to win his love or trying to meet his needs all the time without thinking about your own.
- One way to combat this type of insecurity is to pay attention to what you're feeling instead of always focusing on others; take the time to identify each emotion. As you identify emotions, notice how it guides your behavior. If you're feeling upset and you start worrying that your boyfriend doesn't love you, you may find yourself trying to please him more. Often, these anxieties are unfounded, especially if he's finding ways to show his love all the time.
- Also, it's important to identify the source of your insecurity. Maybe you've internalized the critical voice of one of your parents, or maybe you've had rotten luck in past relationships with people who have mistreated you. Don't just let your inner critic run wild. Instead, talk back to it. When you catch yourself doubting the other person or yourself, try to turn it around. For instance, if you find yourself saying "He didn't call me back, so he probably doesn't love me anymore," try to stop the thought. Say, "No, that's not right. He tells me he loves me every day. He probably just got busy."^{[2]
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3
Check to see how much time he spends with you. A guy who loves you is going to want to spend time with you. If he makes time for you on a regular basis and goes out of his way to see you, he's likely in love with you.^{[3]
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- Watch to see if he blows you off. If your guy doesn't really care, he's more likely to blow you off. That means he won't make time for you as often as you'd like, and when he does, he may cancel at the last minute. If he's not consistently making time for you, then he probably doesn't love you.^{[4]
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- Of course, sometimes, a guy is going to have a legitimate reason to cancel on you. However, he should try to give you as much notice in advance as possible. He should also be interested in rescheduling. If he's not, he may not be that into you.
4
See if he's willing to do part of the work. That is, he should be willing to come up with plans and dates, not just you. You shouldn't have to schedule everything yourself. If he's willing to take the lead at least part of the time, he probably cares for you.
- One way to make sure he's willing is to not plan everything. Give your guy a chance to plan dates for you. He should be willing to take the initiative if he cares about you.
5
Make sure he's willing to compromise. Being in a relationship means making sacrifices sometimes by compromising with another person. That means sometimes he gives a little more, and sometimes you give a little more. For instance, it may mean he's willing to go see a movie that he knows he's not going to like, while you're willing to go to the sports bar sometimes, even if it's not your thing. If he's willing to participate in some give and take, then he's probably starting to fall in love with you.
6
Notice if he does the small things. For instance, does he ask you if you want water when he goes to the kitchen? Does he plug in your phone when he notices it's low? If he anticipates what you need and does little things to make your life better, then he probably loves you.^{[5]
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Make sure he's not embarrassed by you. If a guy loves you and wants to be with you, then he shouldn't be embarrassed by you. That means that he's at least willing to introduce you to friends and family. If he doesn't want to introduce you, that may mean he's not sure about you yet. Though he could have other reasons not to want to introduce you (such as your religious differences), being embarrassed can be a red flag.
8
See if he likes to be close to you in public. This step goes hand-in-hand with the previous one. If he's embarrassed by you, he won't draw you close in public. In other words, watch to see if he likes to pull you close in public or if he likes to publicly display his affection, such as by holding hands or giving you a hug. If he doesn't, it may be that he's not that into you, though it could also just be that he's shy in public.^{[6]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Interpreting His Communications

1
Watch how he communicates. If he only calls once a week and barely has anything to say, that's probably not a good sign. However, if he spontaneously texts, emails, and calls on a regular basis, then he probably can't get you out of his mind, meaning he loves you.^{[7]
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- However, every guy is different. Maybe he's an introvert, and he doesn't like to spend every minute with another person, even someone he loves. Make sure you try to figure out what kind of person he is before jumping to conclusions.
2
Pay attention to what he cares about. That is when you get together, does he ask questions about you and your day? Does he seem to genuinely care about what's going on in your life? If he's truly interested in what you're doing, he likely cares about you.^{[8]
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3
See if he remembers. Of course, guys (and people) in general are going to forget things, including important dates and past conversations. But if he makes an effort to remember important dates, and he is paying attention to the conversations you have by bringing them up later, then he is likely in love with you.^{[9]
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Notice if he cares enough to fight. To truly fight with someone, you need to care about that person, and then find a way to make amends. If he's not willing to fight or if he just brushes off arguments with a shrug, he may not care that deeply about you.
- You don't necessarily need to have knock-down, drag-out fights. But you both need to be able to express your opinions and thoughts, even if it leads to an argument. If he doesn't seem willing to engage, he may not be into you.
5
Pay attention to his grammar. That is if he starts using "we" on a regular basis, rather than just "I," that could be a sign he loves you. "We" indicates he's started thinking of you as a unit, a couple, which means he's starting to commit to you being together.^{[10]
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6
Note if you have your own language. If you have your own language, including pet names and inside jokes, that's a good sign. It means that he cares enough about you to fully engage in the relationship. If he has a pet name for you (and only you), it likely means he's at least falling for you.
7
Don't be afraid to ask. If you're in a healthy relationship, you can simply have a conversation about your feelings. Talk about what you like about him, and tell him what you are feeling. In turn, ask if he has the same kinds of feelings for you.
- For instance, you could say, "I think I'm falling in love with you. I'm not sure if you feel the same way, so I'm feeling a little insecure."

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Understanding Why He Might Not Say "I Love You"

1
Know he's afraid of rejection. Saying "I love you" makes you vulnerable, as the other person may not reciprocate those feelings. He may feel afraid that you'll reject his love, even if you've shown him you love him already.^{[11]
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2
Understand how the past affects the present. If he's been in a bad relationship in the past, he may not be as willing to jump in emotionally to this relationship. Therefore, don't automatically assume something's wrong if he hasn't said it yet; he may just be waiting until he feels ready to make a commitment to you.^{[12]
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Realize some guys have a hard time verbalizing emotions. It may be that he just doesn't like to talk about his emotions. Instead, maybe he prefers just to show how he feels about you, making you a priority in his life.^{[13]
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Expert Q&A
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Question

How do you test a guy to see if he really loves you?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

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Ask yourself these questions to tell if he loves you: Does he do the little things that you like? Is he leading his own life in the direction you need him to? Is he thoughtful and conscientious toward you? Is he there when you need him? Does he show up in your life in healthy ways?