How to Know when a Girl Is Using You

Co-authored by John Keegan

Last Updated: April 15, 2021 References

Sometimes we have friendships or relationships that confuse and frustrate us. You may be especially frustrated by a girl you think may be using you for something. Ultimately, not only is this upsetting, but it is unhealthy for the relationship. Thankfully, with a little thought and some communication, you’ll be able to figure out if a girl is using you or if you’ve just misunderstood the relationship.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Evaluating the Relationship

1
Examine your own feelings and expectations. The first step in figuring out if she is using you is to examine your own feelings and views of the relationship. If you take a good look at your own conception of the relationship, you might be able to figure out if she is using you or if you are confused about the relationship.^{[1]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 8 April 2021.}
- Do you have expectations for the relationship that are unrealistic? If she wants to be friends and you want to be romantic, then the problem might lay on your end.
- Have you been trying to impress her or “buy” her love by spending money? If so, reexamine your view of the relationship.
- Do you think that you are really good friends when in reality she views you as an acquaintance or even less? If so, you should reconsider your view of the relationship.^{[2]
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2
Ask yourself if she listens to you or if she just talks. One telltale sign that a girl might be using you is if she only talks at you and doesn't listening to you, too. While this might not necessarily mean that she is using you, it is a good sign that she might not truly care about you. Consider if:^{[3]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 8 April 2021.}
- She ever asks you how you are feeling or how you are doing
- She stops to consider your thoughts on what she is saying, or if she keeps talking
- She cares to learn more about you than she already knows
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3
Decide if she is more interested in your social circle than in you. It is possible that the girl is much more interested in getting into your social circle than she is in you. Consider the following:^{[5]
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- Does she abandon you at parties or events that you’ve invited her to?
- Does she seem more interested in doing things with your friends than with you?
- Does she seem completely uninterested in doing things with you unless you are hanging out at a certain place or with certain people?
4
Evaluate if she enriches your life in any way. There are many types of relationships that people can have, but ultimately, all healthy relationships benefit both people involved in some way. When evaluating the relationship, you should consider if you gain anything at all from the association or if she is the only party who benefits.^{[6]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 8 April 2021.}
- Do you feel like a better person by being associated with her?
- Do you feel emotionally served by the relationship?
- Is she around when you need help or support?
- Do you feel like your social life or emotional life would be lacking without her?
5
Think about whether she is using you for money. You may want to consider if she is using you for material goods or for money. Ultimately, this is a relatively easy thing to figure out.^{[7]
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- Does she ask you for money constantly? Some girls may ask for money sometimes, but if she never shares or uses hers, you may want to lay off of your wallet for a bit. If she disappears after you tighten up on money, it is a good sign she was using you.
- Consider that there are some girls who think that the guys should pay for everything to be gentlemanly, but asking for money outright may be a sign that she is using you.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Opening Up Communication

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Use leading questions. One of the first things you may want to do before initiating a full conversation about your relationship is to probe by asking some leading questions. Leading questions will help you uncover information without explicitly asking.^{[8]
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- Ask where she sees herself in three years. If the answer is someplace completely different, and you're not in the picture as a friend or as a partner, then you should think carefully about the relationship.
- Initiate a conversation about "traditional" roles in relationships. Say something like "What do you think each party should contribute to a relationship?" Try to do this in a light-hearted way. This will give you a lot of information and may confirm that she is not using you, but rather subscribes to a traditional value system.
- Ask her about her other friends or previous romantic partners. Getting information about friends and other romantic partners will give you a lot of information. Especially important may be why her previous relationships ended.
2
Talk to her about financial and other responsibilities. Another conversation to initiate before an explicit conversation about your relationship is one about financial and other responsibilities. By engaging in such a conversation, you'll both provide information about your situation and gather information about her situation.^{[9]
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- Never divulge your income/net worth or ask about her income/net worth. This should be information that is volunteered in a healthy relationship.
- Ask questions about what she thinks about financial planning. Make sure to do so in a relaxed setting.
- Find out about her work life.
- Inquire as to whether she has earned everything she has. If she has a nice car, consider saying something like "Your car is really nice, I don't think I could afford it." She may volunteer how she paid for it.
3
Ask her what she thinks the nature of your relationship is. The best way to find out if she is using you is to just ask her what she thinks you are to her. If she’s truthful, she should be able to define her conception of the relationship. This direct approach can tell you a lot.^{[10]
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- Approach her and say something like, “I think we should talk about our relationship.”
- Consider saying “I’d like to know how you define our relationship.”
- Make sure to be polite, calm, and relaxed.
4
Listen to her carefully. After you’ve initiated the conversation, you need to listen to her carefully. As a friend, companion, or significant other, you should take her at face value. Make sure to listen and internalize what she’s saying. In most cases, this should tell you what you need to know about your relationship.^{[11]
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- Avoid interpreting what she says to make yourself feel better about your relationship.
- Don’t try to negotiate with her or come to some sort of “agreement” if you don’t like what she’s saying.
- Take her statement as fact and as a blueprint for where your relationship should go. For instance, if you think that you have some sort of romantic relationship, and she clearly states that you don’t, you need to seriously reconsider your feelings.
5
Share your feelings about the relationship. After you’ve asked her what she thinks about the nature of your relationship, you should share how you feel about the relationship. Letting her know how you feel might signal to her that you both need to redefine the parameters of your relationship or go your separate ways.
- Let her know you’re not happy with the relationship and tell her you feel you are being used.
- Let her know that you feel the relationship is one-sided.
- Let her know if you want to change the nature of your relationship to make it more equal or mutually beneficial.
- You might say, "I feel that things are unequal in our relationship and that I'm giving more than my fair share. I'm unhappy with the way things are and I would like them to change."
- If you are interested in her romantically, do not use sex as a bargaining tool. Never demand sex. Sex is something that is shared between two consenting individuals without pressure or coercion.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Considering and Communicating with Friends

1
Ask the opinion of your close friends. Consider asking the opinion of your close friends. Your close friends (not mutual friends) may be able to give you a lot more insight and perspective than you have. This is because they’ve probably had the benefit of observing the relationship, rather than participating in it.^{[12]
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- Ask your friends if they think she’s using you.
- Ask your friends if they think that you are confused about the nature of the relationship. They may say that you think that it’s a romantic relationship while she thinks that you are just friends. They might also confirm your suspicion that you’re being used.
- Realize that your friends will probably encourage you to end the relationship.
- Tell your friends to keep your comments in confidence.
2
Think about whether you share any mutual friends. You should also think about whether you share many friends with her or are in the same social circles. This could be a great tip off as to the actual status of your relationship. Consider the following:
- If you’re in the same social circle, consider how she treats other friends. Is this a pattern, or is this something unique to your relationship with her?
- If you’re not in the same social circle and don’t share any mutual friends, this could signal that the relationship for her means less than you hoped. This could be especially true if she does not introduce you to any of her friends.^{[13]
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Beware of talking to mutual friends, if you have them. If you share mutual friends, you need to be careful about sharing your thoughts with them. Talking to mutual friends could not only create tension between you and the girl, but between you and your mutual friends.^{[14]
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- Discussing your relationship with mutual friends could be construed as gossip.
- Talking about your relationship with mutual friends could lead your friends to abandon you and take her side.
- Speaking about your relationship with mutual friends is inappropriate unless you’ve gotten permission from the girl.