Learn to build the supportive, happy relationship you want with this in-depth guide
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This article was co-authored by Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.
There are 8 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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Healthy relationships allow you to express your individuality (both with and without your partner), bring out the best in both of you, and encourage growth. Especially if you are in a new relationship, it’s best to set a foundation for a positive and healthy relationship from the start. By setting your focus on respect and helpful communication, you can enjoy a healthy and satisfying relationship.
Steps
Part 1
Part 1 of 3:
Communicating Effectively
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1Speak up. Don't expect your partner to be able to read your mind or “figure it out.” If you have a need or want to express something, you need to communicate it yourself.[1] It’s not fair to you or your partner when you don’t communicate your needs. Likewise, don’t hold in the things that bother you. If something is bothering you, say something to your partner.[2]
- If you don’t know how to start a conversation, say, “There’s something on my mind and I’d like it if you listened.” You can also say, “Something is bothering me and I feel like we should talk about it.”
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2Listen intently. Part of a healthy relationship is knowing when to talk and when to listen. Develop your listening skills by not interrupting and letting your partner finish their thoughts and feelings. Truly listen, and don’t try to come up with a response while your partner is talking.[3]
- Use active listening skills by reflecting the content and emotions of what your partner is saying. Say, “Let me make sure I understand. I hear you saying that you’re upset that I didn’t tell you what time I would be home, and you wish I would have said something earlier because you were concerned.”
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3Create healthy boundaries. Boundaries are not meant to make you feel trapped; they are created to maintain respect and understand expectations in the relationship.[4] If something makes you feel uncomfortable, bring it up and discuss how things need to change and how each of you will make changes. If one person wants to spend lots of time together and the other does not, it’s important to set a boundary of how much time is appropriate together and apart.
- For example, you may want to create sexual boundaries (being sexually exclusive) and social boundaries (having one night a week designated for friends or activities).
- Don’t let your partner control you and don’t set out to control your partner. Setting boundaries means respecting each other and finding compromises to make the relationship work well.
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4Communicate clearly. Without clear communication, a relationship can quickly bring out the worst in people. When you have a want or a need, express it to your partner clearly. Don’t beat around the bush or say something you think will please your partner when it makes you unhappy. Try using “I statements” to express your feelings, make an observation, or share your opinion. I statements allow you to express yourself clearly and directly and take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings while avoiding blame and accusations toward others.
- To properly communicate, say, “ I think/feel/want…. when….. because….” For example, “I feel upset when you leave the door open because the room gets cold and drafty.”
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5Express emotions. Share your thoughts and feelings with your partner and stay open to the feelings that arise. Show interest in your partner’s feelings and support them during stressful situations. Connecting emotionally with your partner allows you to empathize with their experience.[5]
- If you’re feeling emotionally disconnected from your partner, start asking questions about feelings (and don’t blame or make assumptions). By discovering your partner’s feelings, you may begin to feel more compassion toward them.
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6Check in with each other. Make time periodically to discuss the relationship. Sometimes changes occur or schedules become busy and you may miss time to connect or talk about things. You may want to bring up relationship goals and expectations, as these can sometimes change. Ignoring difficult topics or hoping they will go away is one way for a relationship to crumble.[6]
- An example of checking in could be, "Hey, are you ok after our disagreement yesterday? I just wanted to make sure there weren't any leftover feelings or things we didn't resolve."
- Ask your partner if you are on the same page in terms of relationship expectations. You may discuss moving in together, sexual satisfaction, marriage, children, or plans to move. Be clear on what you want and how your partner fits in with that.
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:
Treating Each Other Well
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1Create a foundation of respect. Relationships can be fun and exciting early on, yet it important to make sure that you and your partner are rooted in respect. Act in ways that demand respect from your partner.[7] Strive to treat each other with respect at all times, even when you are mad at each other.
- Your partner’s wishes, thoughts, and feelings have value. Communicate to your partner that you consider the way they feel. Mutual respect is an important part of making a healthy relationship work.[8]
- Talk to your partner about creating respect in your relationship. Decide “do’s” and “don’ts,” such as name calling or sexual touch.
- You may wish to implement "fair fighting" rules. They are as follows:[9]
- No degrading language
- No blaming
- No yelling
- No use of force
- No talk of divorce/breaking up
- Don't try to tell your partner what they are thinking/experiencing/feeling
- Stay in the present
- Take turns speaking
- Use time outs when necessary
- Make them happy
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2Appreciate each other. A healthy relationship should be one in which you and your partner feel appreciated. Often, relationships are built from many small things added one on top of the other. Find the things your partner does for you and say “thank you.” Instead of focusing on mistakes your partner makes, focus on the ways your partner adds to your life.[10] When you notice something, speak out and show your appreciation.
- Ask your partner how they like to feel appreciated. Write a note or a card, or make an effort to say “thank you” often.
- Let your partner know how you like to be appreciated. Say, “It means a lot to me when you notice the things I do for you.”
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3Spend quality time together. It’s easy to transition from face-to-face time together to digital communication. Yet, sometimes meanings can get lost in translation or non-verbal communication becomes non-existent. Spending quality time together can help strengthen your relationship and increase the bond you and your partner feel together.[11]
- Find activities that you can do together regularly. It can be as simple as enjoying a cup of coffee together each morning or reading together at night.
- Trying something new together can be a fun and exciting way to spend time together. You don’t have to do anything crazy — even going out to dinner at a new restaurant or trying a new cuisine can be a fun experience.
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4Give each other space. No one person can fulfill everything and every role for another person. Let your partner have time with friends and family and engage in hobbies. It’s important for each person to have their own friends and activities that are enjoyed on their own. While you may want to spend every moment together during the beginning of the relationship, respect each other enough to spend time apart and know that time spent apart doesn’t mean anything negative for the relationship. Support your partner in maintaining friendships.[12]
- Avoid giving up your friends or pressuring your partner to give up friends. It’s important to have friends and the emotional support they provide. Likewise, don’t allow your partner to dictate whether or not you can see your family.
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5Expect changes. Know that your relationship will likely change. Allow growth for yourself, your partner, and for the relationship itself. Recognize that changes in your relationship are opportunities for new growth. Change is inevitable, so welcome changes and accept that the relationship will adapt.[13]
- When changes happen, take a deep breath and deal with them one by one.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:
Improving an Unhealthy Relationship
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1See a therapist. If you’re caught in unhealthy patterns and want to improve them, ask your partner to see a therapist together. A therapist can help you break unhealthy patterns you may feel trapped in, such as yelling, blaming, isolating, making assumptions, and not communicating effectively. It can also help with emotional avoidance, modifying behavior, and changing the views you have of your relationship.[14] Seeing a therapist doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed — it means you’re willing to work together to improve it.
- For more information, check out How to Attend Couples Counseling.
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2Let go of codependency. Dysfunctional behavior in a codependent relationship can look like one person supporting or enabling the other person’s irresponsibility, immaturity, addiction, or poor health. If you are the enabler, you may feel guilty if you don’t help, even if you know it hurts your partner in the long run. [15] Codependency is often rooted in childhood and may involve repressed feelings (not speaking up when you have a need, keeping quiet to avoid a fight) and an inability to say “no.”
- You and your partner may isolate from other people and not have friends outside of your relationship.
- Educate yourself about codependency and spend some time identifying your (or your partner’s) self-defeating behaviors.[16] You may want to work with an individual or couple’s therapist.
- Check out How to Tell if You Are Codependent to learn more.
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3Respect your partner’s privacy. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to spend every moment together or share everything. [17] Respect your partner’s need for privacy and space. If jealousy comes up, remind yourself that jealousy is something you feel that may not be directly related to your partner’s actions.
- Don’t demand your partner’s passwords to social media accounts or email. Respect your partner’s privacy and be willing to trust your partner.
- It’s not healthy for you or your partner to constantly monitor each other’s behaviors. This can be rooted in jealousy or control, which are not healthy components to bring into a relationship.
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4Note warning signs of abuse. Relationships should be built on respect and equality, not power and control. While you may not think much of some behaviors at first, disrespectful behaviors set a tone in a relationship. If your partner is possessive, insulting, yelling, humiliating, or disrespectful in any way, take note. There is no excuse for abuse. Abuse is a choice that an individual makes and you do not have to be the victim.[18]
- For more information, check out How to Recognize a Potentially Abusive Relationship.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat is the meaning of love language?
Adam Dorsay, PsyDDr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx SpeakerLove languages are 5 different categories that we can reach our partner's heart. They include Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Gifts. Let's say I love milk chocolate and my partner loves dark chocolate. Instead of always giving my partner milk chocolate, because that's what I like, I would learn their love language and gift them dark chocolate, because it's what they like. -
QuestionHow do I fully trust my partner?Adam Dorsay, PsyDDr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx SpeakerIt's important to know that it takes a lot of courage to override your fear and lean into a relationship. Trust has to be gained. That happens by knowing that your partner is willing to say, "I get you, I understand that you're a different person from who I am, and I'm willing to learn who you are." -
QuestionHow do I stop negative thoughts in my relationship?Adam Dorsay, PsyDDr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx SpeakerMake an effort to notice what's right. Sometimes at work, you're paid to notice what's wrong, and it can be hard to stop doing that when you come home. However, you have to override that tendency. It takes courage and attention, but it can be done, and you will get better at it over time.
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200410/relationship-rules
- ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/
- ↑ https://www.cmhc.utexas.edu/vav/vav_healthyrelationships.html
- ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ https://www.cmhc.utexas.edu/vav/vav_healthyrelationships.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200410/relationship-rules
- ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/
- ↑ http://www.nathancobb.com/fair-fighting-rules.html
- ↑ https://www.cmhc.utexas.edu/vav/vav_healthyrelationships.html
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ https://www.cmhc.utexas.edu/vav/vav_healthyrelationships.html
- ↑ https://www.cmhc.utexas.edu/vav/vav_healthyrelationships.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201203/5-principles-effective-couples-therapy
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/presence-mind/201307/are-you-in-codependent-relationship
- ↑ http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency
- ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/
- ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/
About This Article
Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
This article was co-authored by Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008. This article has been viewed 308,847 times.
Co-authors: 19
Updated: June 9, 2022
Views: 308,847
Categories: Featured Articles | Relationships
Article SummaryX
All relationships are difficult, but you and your partner can take steps toward a healthy and happy relationship by communicating effectively and showing each other respect. Part of a healthy relationship is knowing when to talk and when to listen, so avoid interrupting your partner when they’re telling you how they feel. On the other hand, if something’s bothering you, speak up! It’s not fair to expect your partner to read your mind and bottling your emotions will only make things worse. When you fight, make sure you still respect each other. Consider making a set of rules to follow during an argument so you don’t make things worse. For example, your list could include “no degrading language, blaming, or threats to break up.” To learn more from our co-author, including how to show you appreciate each other, read on!
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