How to Confront a Family Member Who Stole from You

Co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

Last Updated: November 2, 2022 References

It’s never fun to have the sinking realization that someone has stolen something from you. What’s even worse is discovering that the thief is a family member. If someone in your family stole from you, don’t brush the issue under the rug. It’s important to confront the person about their theft, even if doing so is difficult. After you talk to your family member, you can take steps to prevent them from stealing from you again and repair the emotional damage of the betrayal.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Talking to Your Family Member

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Plan your side of the conversation ahead of time. Think about what you want to say to your family member. Avoid confronting them right away, especially if you’re feeling too angry or hurt to stay calm. Give yourself time to cool down and consider your approach.^{[1]
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- One helpful strategy is to write your family member a letter that you don’t actually intend to give them. Put the letter away for a few hours or overnight. Then come back to it and revise it. This will help you sort out your feelings and decide what to say.
2
Let your family member know how much they hurt you. To understand the seriousness of their mistake, your family member needs to know what kind of emotional impact their theft had on you. Tell them how disappointed and betrayed you feel.^{[2]
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- Stay as calm as you can. Don’t raise your voice or let your emotions get the better of you.
- Say something like, “I am so disappointed that you took the money in my wallet. I never would have guessed that you would do something like that.”
- This part of the conversation will probably be uncomfortable, but it is necessary. If your family member doesn’t feel remorse for what they’ve done, they may try to steal from you again in the future.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.}
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3
Avoid letting your family member sway you with excuses. Your family member may say things like “I was only borrowing it” or “I meant to ask you, but I forgot.” Don’t believe them or let them off so easily. Even if their excuses happen to be true, taking your things without asking is still stealing, and your family member needs to know better.^{[4]
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Make plans for reparation. Have your family member help you come up with a plan for making things right. If they took an item, they should return it or replace it. If they stole money, they should pay it back. Make a payment plan if necessary.^{[5]
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Set consequences. Let your family member know what you will do if they don’t make amends. Set some consequences so that your family member won’t get away with their theft, even if they refuse to cooperate with you. Your consequences should depend on the nature of the theft.
- Some possible consequences could include not allowing the person in your house anymore, severing your relationship with them, or going to the police.^{[6]
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Involve another adult, if necessary.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} If the person who stole from you is younger than you or is the responsibility of another family member, you may need to involve them in the confrontation.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} If this is the case, you may want to talk to the parent or guardian before talking to the minor. They may be able to shed insight on what's going on with the youth. In addition, they may choose to discipline them in their own way.
- You might say, "Jared stole some money from my chest of drawers--I caught him in the act. I know he's your responsibility, so I wanted to come to you before I decided on any disciplinary actions."

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Repairing the Emotional Damage

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Consider what drove your family member to steal. People steal for many reasons. Some people steal things because they feel wrongfully deprived, while others are trying to support a drug habit or pay off debt. Children and teenagers may steal to get attention or express negative emotions. Understanding your family member’s reasons for stealing doesn’t mean you should excuse their actions, but it does give you a starting point for making sure it doesn’t happen again.^{[9]
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American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing and improving psychiatric care for children and adolescents.
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Help them get treatment, if you suspect addiction. Addiction is one of the most common reasons people turn to stealing. If your family member was always honest and trustworthy in the past, it’s possible that an addiction could be making them act out of character now. Express your concern to them and help them find an addiction treatment program in your area.^{[10]
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- If your family member is abusing drugs or alcohol, approach them with kindness and encouragement. Tell them that you’re worried about them, not that you’re disappointed in them. If they feel like you’re judging them, they may not want to accept help from you.
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Seek counseling. You may feel violated and mistrustful after someone has stolen from you, especially if the thief is someone you know.^{[11]
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Research source} Talking to a counselor can help you work through your emotions and regain your sense of trust in other people.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.}
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End the relationship if you need to. If your family member steals from you repeatedly, you may have no choice but to distance yourself from them. Though cutting ties with a family member can be very difficult, it may be less painful in the long run than letting them take advantage of you over and over.^{[13]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Preventing Further Theft

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Expect to have trust issues after the betrayal. Your family member has broken your trust. It may be hard to accept, but right now you can expect to not believe much that they say. If this is a first-time offense, or if the theft involves a minor, a firm talking-to might be enough to ensure such an incident doesn't occur in the future.
- Depending on your relationship with them, they may be able to rebuild the damaged trust later. For now, though, you will have to keep an eye on your things when they are around. It may also help to get some distance from the person until you come to terms with what happened and they are able to make amends.^{[14]
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2
Secure your accounts and valuables. Protect your money and other valuables so your family member can’t steal from you a second time. Keep your bedroom door locked, invest in a home safe, and don’t leave things of value lying around the house. If the theft occurred online, change your passwords and your checking account number.^{[15]
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3
Consider whether you need to go to the authorities. If your family member has stolen your identity, you will need to file a police report in order to remove fraudulent information from your credit report. Reporting your family member may be difficult, but bad credit can haunt you for years, so it’s important to protect yourself from the repercussions of their crime.^{[16]
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- If you feel guilty about filing a police report, remind yourself that your family member didn’t feel guilty about stealing your identity and wreaking havoc on your credit. Don’t let their crime turn into your burden.
- If the culprit is a child or teen, avoid involving any authorities and instead take the chance to talk to this individual about what's right and wrong. You might say, "When people leave things in their home, they expect for them to be where they left them. They feel secure at home. When you take things that don't belong to you from someone's home or any other place, you make that place feel less secure. You also jeopardize the trust you have with that person. You understand what you did was wrong, right?"

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you approach someone who is stealing?

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Invite a professional counselor to help manage the conversation. Family theft situations can get really complicated, so it helps to have a professional involved.
Question

My 20-year old niece, stole two old computers from me and some money. I love my niece, and this really makes me so worried. I also have information I need on those computers.

Community Answer

Confront her. Tell her you know she stole from you and you want the items back, or she needs to replace them for you. If she refuses, talk to her parents or legal guardians and ask them for help retrieving your items. If all else fails, call the police. I understand you don't want to, because you love her, but she needs to learn that stealing is wrong, and this sometimes requires a harsh lesson.
Question

What if my husband lets his family members steal my stuff?

Community Answer

This is extremely manipulative and disrespectful behavior. Tell him it needs to stop right now. If it doesn't, file for divorce.