How to Deal With a Confrontation

Co-authored by Adrian Klaphaak, CPCC

Last Updated: January 2, 2023 References

As much as you may wish to avoid it, confrontations sometimes arise. They can occur between friends, family members, partners, work colleagues, and even between customers and servers. Confrontations can be stressful, especially when emotions are running high. Learning how to keep calm and deal with a confrontation can help diffuse any potentially stressful situation.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Finding Ways to Diffuse a Situation

1
Assess the situation. Most confrontations are strictly verbal, but depending on the people involved, there may be a potential for violence. This is where confrontations can get really scary, and the nature of such a situation needs to be carefully evaluated. Your safety, and the safety of everyone involved, should be the first concern whenever any conflict arises.^{[1]
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- Always trust your gut. If you don't feel comfortable in a given situation, excuse yourself and leave (if possible).
- Don't be afraid to ask for outside help/support, whether it's someone to moderate the discussion or simply someone to be there for comfort.
- Determine whether or not you can safely deal with the person/people initiating the confrontation. If you can handle it, then proceed with caution and consider bringing in a third party to watch or help. If you cannot handle it, then leave.
- If you feel that your safety or the safety of those around you is threatened, call the police.^{[2]
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2
Try to calm the aggressor. If you feel safe proceeding with the situation, try your best to remain calm and to calm the other person. You can do this by being aware of how you carry yourself, in terms of both spoken words and unspoken body language.^{[3]
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- Use neutral, non-confrontational body language.
- Avoid crossing your arms, rolling your eyes, avoiding eye contact, or turning away from the person. This can convey frustration, resentment, or disrespect, which could make the situation worse.
- Speak in a calm voice. Be warm, respectful, and courteous, both in your words and your tone.
- Apologize, even if you haven't done anything wrong. Try to sympathize with the other person. For example, say something like, "I'm sorry that happened. I understand that you must be very frustrated."
- Resist the urge to give commands. Don't try to order a person to calm down. Instead, let your words and actions create a calm, comfortable environment.
- Let the other person be responsible for what happens next by saying something like, "I would like to help you, but I need you to calm down first."
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3
Hear the person out. Many people who escalate a conflict are frustrated that their concerns are not being heard. A person may feel ignored or invalidated, which can lead to resentment, frustration, and anger. Once you've managed the other person's emotional reaction, you can talk to him calmly to figure out what the real problem is. The key to de-escalating any situation is to let the person voice his concerns so that you can work together to arrive at a solution.^{[4]
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- Ask the individual to tell you what happened from his own perspective.
- Let the other person voice his thoughts, feelings, concerns, and expectations.
- Consider taking notes on what the other person is saying, to show that you are taking the matter under serious consideration and valuing his input.
- Try to understand the root cause of the problem so that you can determine what needs to be done to resolve the conflict.
4
Depersonalize the situation. If the person you're trying to talk to is angry with you, you need to listen without reacting. If that individual is angry at someone else and you are trying to intervene, avoid taking sides or jumping to conclusions. No matter what the nature of the conflict might be, taking a calm, unbiased approach will help you decide how to proceed in a way that everyone will benefit from.^{[5]
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- Don't take anything personally that the other person says. He is probably speaking from an emotional place, and most likely does not mean the things he says. Getting defensive or angry with him will only escalate his anger.
- Think before you speak and choose your words carefully. Try taking a deep breath before you say anything so that your mind is calm and your words are well-considered.
- Avoid using any judgmental language. Let the person speak his mind without fear of retribution.
5
Leave if you need to. An important part of any confrontation is being able to recognize when a person cannot be calmed. Some people are short-tempered, while others may simply feel victimized and will not be open to compromise. No matter what the circumstances of your situation are, remember that if you feel unsafe or if you can tell the matter will not be peacefully resolved, you have the right to disengage from the conversation and leave.
- Remember that you have the right to be treated with respect, and you have the right to protect yourself from physical, mental, or emotional harm.^{[6]
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- If you feel unsafe or your rights are being violated and you know it will not end well, tell the person you feel unsafe and you need to leave. Then leave the room, and if necessary, call for help.^{[7]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Handling Conflicts That Others Initiate

1
Listen attentively. The best way to begin a conflict resolution is by being a good listener. Instead of talking, criticizing, or offering your opinion early on in the conversation, sit silently and let the other person talk. Don't interrupt the other person, and let him speak frankly but respectfully.^{[8]
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2
Understand the root cause. When emotions run high, it can be difficult to tell what exactly started the whole situation. This may be particularly true if someone comes to you with frustrations about something you've done and begins throwing around accusations. The only way to arrive at a mutually-beneficial solution is to listen to the person's concerns, let him feel validated, and understand what action, words, or lack of action/words led to the current situation.
- Start out by asking open-ended questions, such as "What's wrong?" or "Why do you feel upset over ______?"
- Let the person vent his frustrations or talk out the problem with you.
- Once you think you've determined the cause of the problem, ask a "yes or no" (closed-ended) question to confirm that that is the underlying problem. For example, you might ask something like, "I just want to make sure I understand what you're saying. Are you saying that the problem is you felt disrespected when you heard _______?"^{[9]
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3
Keep calm and control your emotions. Remember that the person who initiated the confrontation is probably feeling very hurt, and may be speaking/acting out of an emotional space. Don't take anything that's said to you personally, as the situation at its core probably has nothing to do with you as a person.^{[10]
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- Try not to let your feelings cloud your reaction. You can do this by using calming techniques.
- Use deep breathing to stabilize your mood before you respond. Draw in a slow breath for four seconds, hold it for two seconds deep down in your diaphragm (as opposed to shallow breathing through the chest), and exhale slowly for six seconds.
4
Try to see the other perspective. It can be difficult to put yourself in another person's shoes, but this is essential in problem solving and compromising. Even if you don't think you're in the wrong, try setting aside your own experience and think about where the other person might be coming from.^{[11]
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- Avoid jumping to conclusions. Listen without judgment, criticism, or any kind of reaction.
- Consider why the person feels the way he does. Perhaps he lacks social skills, or perhaps he's been ignored/marginalized to the point that he feels this is the only way to get results.
- Consider whether you would be similarly hurt, frustrated, or otherwise upset if you believed you were being treated the way the other individual sees his situation.
- Ask the other person to clarify his stance. Say something like, "I think I understand why you're upset. When I said ______, you saw it as an act of disrespect. Is that correct?"
5
Recognize your role. If you're part of the problem, acknowledge this. Be apologetic, and use "I" statements instead of making excuses. For example, if something you did led to the situation, say something like, "I'm sorry I upset you. I didn't mean to blame you. In the future, I would like it if you did _______ differently, and I will try to work on my end of the issue as well."^{[12]
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- Remember that you are responsible for half of every interaction. You cannot choose how the other person feels, but you can manage your own end of the conflict, and the first step in doing this is to remain calm and acknowledge any part of the problem you may have contributed to.
6
Give the other person options. Even if you cannot give the other person exactly what he wants, try to present him with some options. This will help him feel like he has some control over the situation, and will probably lead to a calm, desirable solution.^{[13]
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- Never give a flat "no" response. Refusing to help someone will quickly put that person in a bitter and often defensive mood.
- Don't make offers/promises that you can't keep. This will only lead to further conflict down the road.
- If you can't give the other person what he wants, let him know gently. Say something like, "Unfortunately we can't do that, but we can offer you something else that will help." Then try to come up with something that would somewhat appease the other person (like offering him store credit or coupons if you can't give him a full refund, for example).
- Try to offer reasonable options, like "Let me make some calls for you" or "Let me see what I can do." You may also want to include the other person on finding a situation by saying something like, "Let's try to work together and come up with a solution that makes everyone happy."
7
Be open to compromise. You may not be able to give the other person exactly what he wants, but you may also need to let go of the certainty that your way is necessarily correct. There may be a mutually-satisfying option to let everyone feel validated and understood, but you'll have to work with the other person to arrive at such a compromise.^{[14]
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- Enter the discussion willing to find an alternative solution. That way you will be less likely to rigidly hold onto your own opinions or viewpoint.
- Discuss the pros and cons of each possible solution with the other individual. That way he will understand why his desired outcome may not be feasible.
- Set S.M.A.R.T. goals (specific, measurable, achievable, results-focused, and time-bound). Setting S.M.A.R.T. goals will help you arrive at realistic, reasonable outcomes that can benefit everyone involved.^{[15]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Initiating a Productive Confrontation

1
Prepare yourself mentally. You should never initiate a confrontational interaction without first preparing yourself. This should entail assessing whether or not the issue is worth confronting someone about, planning what you'd like to say, and calming yourself so that you are not angry or overly emotional.
- Avoid unnecessary altercations. If someone has said or done something that mildly annoyed you but did not deeply offend you, violate school/workplace codes of conduct, or present any kind of threat, you may want to consider letting it slide and addressing the behavior if it comes up again in the future.^{[16]
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- Evaluate whether your initiating the confrontation could damage workplace relations or ruin a friendship. This may require some abstract thinking on your part to imagine the potential outcomes and future implications of such a confrontation.
- Construct one or two calm, non-emotional sentences in your head that you could use to convey your problem, if you decide to confront the other person. Use factual evidence to support your position, and don't let anger, resentment, or frustration color what you say or how you say it. Practice what you might say in your head before you actually sit down with the other person so you know how to best express your concern.^{[17]
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2
Choose an appropriate environment. Your top priority should be to ensure everyone's safety, but there are other secondary considerations to make as well. For example, you should never confront someone about inappropriate or problematic behavior in front of other coworkers. You should also generally avoid airing your grievances in a public place, as this can raise everyone's tension, and may cause the problem to escalate.^{[18]
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- Think of a quiet, private place where you can have a calm discussion with the other person.
- Ask that person politely, "May I speak with you in private for a moment?" Then lead him to the quiet place you've chosen, away from other people and distractions.
- If you're talking to the other person in your office, consider keeping the door slightly ajar so that others can easily enter the room if need be.
3
Be direct but courteous. Don't accuse the other person of anything. Instead, use "I" statements to express your concern. However, it's important that you address the issue head-on, instead of beating around the bush. You want the person to know that there's something upsetting you, but you also want to have a productive conversation on how to resolve the issue.
- Resist the urge to blame the other person, as this will certainly make matters worse.
- Try saying something like, "When you behave the way you're behaving, I feel _________ because ________."
- It may be helpful if you offer some position of understanding. For example, say something like, "I understand you've been having a hard time because of ________. But I feel very concerned and upset when you behave the way you've been behaving."
- Be honest with the other person. You'll never solve the problem if you're not being completely honest with one another.^{[19]
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- Let the other individual respond, and take his thoughts and feelings into consideration.
4
Recognize your motivation. Are you confronting the other person to make him feel bad, or are you trying to reach a real, practical solution? Any confrontation should be about respecting one another and trying to understand where the other person is coming from. If your motivation is based in anger or resentment, or if you don't have a clear outcome you'd like to work towards, you may need to reframe the issue before you attempt to talk to the other person.^{[20]
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- Try to identify both your own needs and motivation, as well as the other person's needs and wants. Work on defining the issue and structuring the conversation in a way that will help all parties involved reach a mutually-desired outcome.
5
Set boundaries and consequences. As you move through the confrontation towards conflict resolution, make sure that you establish boundaries and consequences going forward. For example, if you're dealing with an employee, let him know that if he continues to cause problems at work he may face further disciplinary action. If you're talking to a friend, let him know that you value his friendship but you will not tolerate being treated poorly. That way you can (hopefully) avoid future conflict and confrontation.^{[21]
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Expert Q&A
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Question

How do I stop being scared of confrontation?

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.

Adam Dorsay, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

There are many ways to work through your fear of confrontation, such as using positive self-talk, working with a therapist, or even meditating. Eventually, with practice, you'll be able to feel the fear and just move forward.
Question

How do I keep from crying during a confrontation?

Community Answer

Take a deep breath, and remember that it's not worth it to cry over something like this.

Warnings

If someone attacks you, you may have to fight back. If someone threatens to attack you, flee the area and call the police. Don't return until you know that it's safe to do this.

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Never do something illegal, because it's legal for someone to confront and even physically confront you right away to stop you from:
- Committing a violent crime (e.g. in self-defense)
- Leaving after you clearly did something illegal (e.g. by a citizen's arrest), especially when it's a felony, and
- Resisting arrest if that person is a police officer who is arresting you, which is illegal, even if you're innocent.
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