How to Convince Your Daughter to Break Up with Her Boyfriend

Co-authored by Jade Giffin, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC and Eric McClure

Last Updated: November 6, 2022 References

You want the best for your daughter, and this boyfriend is nowhere near “the best,” so what can you do? If you put your foot down and start saying she can’t see him, it’s just going to drive her further into his arms. If you do nothing, she may not know how to break things off with him. Luckily, if you talk to her about what a healthy relationship looks like, show her love and support, and encourage her to make the right decision, you can help her come to the right conclusion on her own. We’re here to walk you through how you can help her along on her journey.

1

Curb the temptation to demand she stops seeing him.

If you make demands, she’ll be even less inclined to break things off. Remember what you were like as a teenager? Nobody wants to admit that their parents know best when they’re a kid, and she’s likely to run right to him if you tell her she can’t see this guy anymore. The impulse to tell her she has to stop dating him is reasonable, but you’re better off taking a softer path here.^{[1]
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- As tempting as it may be, don’t approach the boyfriend or tell him to stay away. It’s probably not going to work, and it’s a bit of a boundary violation for your daughter. She’ll learn from this in the long run, but only if you let her.
- There are two exceptions here: is if she’s 11-14 or so and you think she’s too young to date in the first place, or if your daughter is making potentially dangerous decisions. You are her parent, after all.

2

Give concrete advice only if she solicits it.

As knowledgeable as you may be, your daughter may not be so open. Teenagers tend to brush off advice when it isn’t asked for. You may see something she doesn’t in this guy, but it won’t matter if she isn’t looking for feedback. If she wants help navigating the relationship, she’ll ask! And when she does, you can absolutely let her know how you feel about the boy she’s dating.^{[2]
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- For example, if your daughter asks you about what you think of her boyfriend, you might say, “I think you can do much better, but I just want what’s best for you. If you’re happy and he treats you with love and respect, I’m okay with it.”
- Remember, your daughter is new to dating, so she may make mistakes. That’s okay. Every relationship she has is a learning opportunity. Try not to dole out advice on every single thing you have feelings about when it comes to this guy.

3

Invite her to bring him around more often.

As uncomfortable as it might be for you, try to spend time with the boy. Pretend to be excited about spending time with the boyfriend. Ask your daughter to bring him over for dinner, and make her feel comfortable about bringing him around. If you express curiosity in your daughter’s relationship, you’ll cultivate an environment where your daughter feels comfortable coming to you.^{[3]
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- You know that phrase about keeping your friends close and your enemies closer? While you may hate this guy’s guts, encouraging her to bring him around will give you some insight.
- You can see how your daughter interacts with him so that you can make accurate observations in the future when she asks for them.
- If you don’t know him that well, maybe he’s not as bad as you’re imagining. Getting to know him may help you feel better about your daughter’s relationship.

4

Maintain a supportive environment.

Feel free to ask how things are going, but don’t push too hard. Ask her how things are going with her boyfriend, and check in to see how your daughter is doing regularly. If your daughter learns that you’ll respect her privacy while seeing how you’re totally open to discussing her relationship, you’ll cultivate an environment where she can come to you about anything.^{[4]
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- You might say, “Hey, how are things going with Danny?” with a smile on your face. If your daughter says, “It’s fine,” just keep smiling and say, “Great!” Over time, your daughter will understand that you only want her to be happy.
- Don’t pester her if she asks you to stop asking questions or probing for information. Part of being supportive is knowing when to lay off.

5

Talk to your daughter about healthy relationships.

Your daughter may not know what a good relationship looks like. Talk to her about what kind of behavior is healthy or unhealthy in a productive relationship. You don’t need to sit her down and have any kind of heavy conversation or anything; a little chat here and there about what respect and love should look like is all it will take. Just be honest, open, and positive.^{[5]
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- You might say things like, “Hey, I really want you to feel supported. If your friends or boyfriend ever make you feel like you can’t come to them for help, they’re not showing you the care you deserve,” and, “Just so you know, nobody should ever be touching you without your consent.”
- You could also say, “Do you ever feel scared to tell people about how you feel? You know you shouldn’t feel that way with me, your friends, or your boyfriend right?”
- Ask your daughter what she sees in her boyfriend, and what she likes about him specifically. Encourage her to think more about what she wants in a boyfriend.
- Model positive and healthy relationship behaviors in your life! If your daughter sees you checking in on the people you care about, respecting boundaries, and giving people the privacy they deserve, she’ll pick up on all of that.

6

Love and support your daughter.

Regardless of what happens, always show your daughter you care. If you make her feel bad about her decisions, or you refuse to do something for her because she stays with this guy, she’s not going to be open with you. If you can make her feel loved and supported, she’ll be more open to your comments if you ever do talk to her about potentially leaving this boy.^{[6]
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- If your daughter comes home crying because of a fight with this guy, don’t say “I told you he was trash!” Instead, you might say, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard this must be. Do you want to talk about it?”

7

Build your daughter’s self-image.

The more self-esteem she has, the more she’ll demand out of a partner. If her boyfriend isn’t a particularly desirable or respectful guy, your daughter may break it off if she believes she deserves better. Remind her of how interesting, dynamic, and intelligent she is. Compliment her when she does well in school, demonstrates kindness to others, or helps out around the house.^{[7]
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- The better you make her feel about herself, the more empowered she’ll be to end a bad relationship.
- If you constantly criticize your daughter, she may be going to this awful boyfriend for vindication instead.
- By making her feel as good about herself as possible, she’ll expect other people to treat her the same way. If this boyfriend has a tendency to put her down, this might be the best way to get her to see that.

8

Encourage your daughter to hang with friends.

The more distance you get between him and her, the better. If you encourage her to focus on the productive, healthy relationships in her life, she won’t spend nearly as much time with him. On top of that, her friends may point out how much better she could be doing in the romance department. Instead of telling her not to see someone, push her to maintain positive connections instead!^{[8]
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- There’s another added benefit here that may not be immediately obvious. Your daughter cares what you think! If you keep encouraging her to hang with her friends, she may be inclined to ditch the boy.

9

Focus on their relationship, not the boy.

If you trash talk the boyfriend, your daughter will want to defend him. Instead, talk about the two of them as a couple whenever you’re discussing things with your daughter. This will encourage your daughter to think more about her dynamic with this guy. If they have an unhealthy relationship, this may cause her to recognize the problem.^{[9]
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- For example, instead of saying, “I can’t stand that boy. He’s always cancelling on you at the last minute,” you might say, “Your relationship is so interesting to me. You two are so comfortable cancelling plans.”
- You might also ask questions like, “How are the two of you doing?” or, “Are you and your boyfriend doing anything this weekend?”

10

Point out red flags gently.

Discussing problematic behaviors will get your daughter thinking about them. Without rendering judgement, casually bring up or ask about the potential red flags you’ve noticed. Your daughter may not know what to look out for in the warning signs department. By getting your daughter to think about these things, she will arrive at the correct conclusion on her own.^{[10]
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- For example, if you know the boyfriend didn’t really do anything for your daughter’s birthday, you might be tempted to say, “This guy doesn’t care about things that matter to you.” Instead, you might say, “So, what did you and Danny do for your birthday?” Let your daughter think about it.
- If her boyfriend tends to put her down a lot, you might say, “I’ve seen the way you two talk to one another. How do you feel when Danny talks about the way you dress?” instead of, “I hate it when Danny makes fun of your outfits.”

11

Apologize and concede if she lashes out.

If she ever snaps at you for talking about her boyfriend, back off. No good is going to come from arguing. Showcase healthy boundaries and mutual respect by saying, “Sorry, I’ll back off,” and drop the subject. By respecting her wishes on this, she’ll feel like she’s in control of her personal relationships and you won’t infringe on her decisions.^{[11]
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- In a counterintuitive kind of way, backing off on the relationship talk will actually empower your daughter. She’ll be more confident about making her own decisions if she feels like they’re totally her own.

12

Accept that your daughter is learning.

Try to remind yourself that bad relationships are a part of growing up. Choosing some questionable romantic partners is a part of growing up. Even if your daughter’s boyfriend is awful right now, this will likely be a learning experience for her whenever she ends up selecting future partners.^{[12]
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- Try to remember that even if your daughter is in a messy arrangement, she’s going to come out the other side stronger.
- Were all of your teenage relationships winners? If not, have a little faith here. Your daughter will grow from this the same way you did when you were young.

13

Support her through the breakup.

When they do eventually break up, be there for her. Your daughter’s relationship will end eventually, and when it does, be a shoulder for her to cry on. Let her vent, encourage her to open up, and try to be as kind and supportive as possible. Make her feel like the most loved daughter in the world, and she’ll come out the other side stronger than ever.^{[13]
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- Take your daughter to her favorite restaurant, or take a weekend trip together to get out of town for a while.
- Consider taking your daughter on a little shopping trip, or let her throw a little sleepover for her and her friends.