How to Talk to Your Teenage Daughter About Dating

Co-authored by Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT and Kira Jan

Last Updated: March 4, 2022 References

It’s totally normal to feel a little worried when it comes time to talk to your daughter about dating. You know healthy relationships are important, but there’s a lot to cover! Plus, just the idea of your teen daughter dating might be enough to get you sweating. Take a deep breath and relax. We’ve put together a comprehensive guide to take the stress out of The Dating Talk. Read on to learn how you can talk to your teenage daughter about dating in a way that’ll set her up for safe and happy relationships.

1

Define a healthy relationship.

Open the conversation as a discussion rather than a lecture. Talk to her about what a strong, healthy relationship looks like.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.} Your daughter may already have a good idea of what to look for in a partner and relationship, so ask about her ideas/beliefs and gently correct any misconceptions.^{[2]
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Research source} Remind her romantic relationships and friendships share similar foundations of mutual respect and care.^{[3]
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- Describe what you want for her in a relationship: “I want you to have a partner who loves you and treats you with respect.”^{[4]
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- Get her involved with questions: “Can you think of examples of healthy relationships from real life or TV? What makes them good relationships?”
- Examples of healthy relationship qualities include: respect, trust, honesty, individuality, compromise, control over negative emotions, problem solving, and good communication.^{[5]
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2

Discuss physical and emotional relationship abuse.

Cover warning signs of toxic and dangerous partners. Ask her to come up with some “warning signs” of an abusive partner, and then add in any red flags she missed. Above all, let her know to come to you (or any other trusted adult) if she has doubts about whether her relationship is healthy or not.
- Use hypothetical scenarios to get her critical thinking skills working: “What do you think it says about someone if they speak poorly about women?”
- Talk to her about physical/sexual abuse warning signs: slapping, hitting, pinching, unwanted touching, unwanted sexual contact or sexual coercion, etc.^{[6]
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  Trustworthy Source
  National Domestic Violence Hotline
  Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
  Go to source}
- List out signs of emotional abuse: demeaning language, intimidation, taking your belongings or money, showing extreme jealousy, preventing you from going to school or seeing friends, etc.

3

Talk about safe social media use and texting.

Describe how online communication might not be private. Explain that it’s important not to send private photos or texts because other people might end up being able to see them. If her partner sends her messages that are explicit, remind her she doesn’t have to respond.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
Child Mind Institute
Nonprofit organization providing evidence-based care for children with mental health and learning disorders and their families
Go to source}
- Tell her that even private messages get stored online: “Be very careful about what you send to your boyfriend, because once you put something online, it’s permanent.”
- Talk about the consequences of sending explicit messages: “Photos you send can end up in other people’s hands, and in some states, it’s even illegal for teens to send explicit photos of themselves.”^{[8]
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4

Start a conversation around safe sex.

Share your values and don’t be afraid to discuss protection.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.} Teach her that protection will keep her and her partner safe from STIs, and it’ll prevent unwanted pregnancy. Clarify that oral sex still carries the risk of spreading STIs.^{[10]
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Research source} Walk her through the different types of birth control (condoms, contraceptive pills, IUDs, implants, etc.).^{[11]
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- Pick a private space to have the conversation, ideally somewhere like a car where your teen can look away if they feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t have to be awkward!^{[12]
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  Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
  Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services
  Go to source}
- Discuss sex in terms of your own personal or religious beliefs: “I think you should wait to have sex until you’re married” or “I think you should wait until you’re in college to have sex and can have a more mature view about it.”
- Give her knowledge and resources: “When you decide to start having sex, you can always come to me for help getting contraception, or you can talk to your doctor or school health counselor about condoms and/or birth control."
- Encourage her to ask questions. When she does, reward her for that: “That’s a great question. I’m glad you came to me.”^{[13]
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5

Explain what consent means and why it's important.

Tell her that she and her partner must always ask for consent. Explain to her that consent means she and her partner must both enthusiastically agree to something sexual with a clear verbal “yes!” or “I’m comfortable with that” before moving forward. Include the fact that people who are under the influence, asleep, or impaired can’t give consent.^{[14]
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Trustworthy Source
Child Mind Institute
Nonprofit organization providing evidence-based care for children with mental health and learning disorders and their families
Go to source}
- For instance, ask her: “What would you say if a partner said, ‘How can you say you love me but not want to have sex with me?’”
- Let her know she can say “no” to any sexual act at any time, for any reason, even if she’s done it before or if she’s in the middle of the act.
- Talk about the pressures she might feel to have sex: “Social media and your friends might make it seem like everyone’s having sex. Lots of teens don’t have sex until later in life, and you don’t have to do anything physical in order to have a ‘real’ relationship.”
- Brainstorm with her about ways to say “no” if she’s not comfortable. For instance, “I’m not comfortable with that” or “I don’t like it when you touch me like that.”

6

Bring up the different phases of love.

Explain how it’s normal for teens to have super intense feelings. Without invalidating those strong emotions, describe to your daughter how love changes over time and becomes more than just infatuation and excitement.^{[15]
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Research source} Speak from your own experiences of dating and falling in love at her age versus finding a long-term partner in life (or sharing a bond with a family member).^{[16]
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- Describe how changing hormones can create intense feelings: “You might feel really strongly about someone because of all the raging hormones and newness. I’ve been there! But I also want to share that in the long-run, love becomes much more about a shared life, partnership, and commitment…”
- Reframe dating as an opportunity for self-love and self-knowledge: “Since you’re so young, you don’t need to worry about finding ‘the one.’ Instead, look at dating as a chance to really get to know yourself and what you value in relationships.”

7

Lay out rules for when/how often she can date.

Remind your daughter that your rules are there to keep her safe. Set rules according to your family values and preferences. At minimum, it’s a good idea to let her know at what age she can start dating. Emphasize open and honest communication, too.^{[17]
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Expert Source

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.} Ask her to keep you updated about where she’s going with her partner and when she’ll be back.^{[18]
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Research source}
- Set clear expectations and basic rules like:
  - "You can start dating one-on-one when you turn 16."
  - "Dates are fine on the weekends; focus on school during the week."
  - "Text me to let me know where you're going and when you'll be back."

8

Collaborate to set additional boundaries.

Ask for her input as you lay out your other expectations. Once she starts dating regularly, you'll probably need to come up with additional or more specific rules to handle new situations. Allowing her to have some input teaches her to set boundaries and “buy in” to your rules. Talk about your family values and ask her how she thinks those should apply to dating.^{[19]
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Research source} You might say things like:
- “I expect you not to sleep over at your boyfriend’s house, but I’m willing to hear your thoughts on curfew. What do you think is reasonable?"
- “Since you’re prepping for Nationals, what do you think is a healthy balance between spending time with Taylor and practicing?”

9

Stick to gender-neutral language.

Avoid making assumptions about her partner or potential partner. Your daughter might be figuring out her sexuality during puberty. If she’s questioning her sexuality or identifying somewhere in the LGBTQ community, be sure to use inclusive language that will make her feel accepted when you talk about her partner or future partner. Accepting your teen in turn will boost her self-esteem and reduce her risk of serious mental health issues.^{[20]
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10

Invite her to keep the conversation going.

Remind her you love her and are there to support her. Tell her you are always happy to talk no matter who she’s dating and no matter how big or small the topic or issue. By keeping your door open, she’ll be more likely to come to you for information and guidance rather than relying on her friends or pop culture.^{[21]
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- “I’m here for you if you ever want to talk about boys (or girls) or dating.”
- “I want to respect your privacy and your life, but come to me if you ever have questions about sex and dating.”

11

Express interest in getting to know her partner.

Invite her and her partner to hang out at your house. That way, you’ll get to support your daughter and make sure she’s staying safe while dating someone who deserves her. At the same time, model respect and trust by avoiding hovering over the couple.^{[22]
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- “I’d love to meet anyone you’re dating. They’re welcome for dinner, and I promise I’ll be cool.”

12

Intervene if you suspect an abusive relationship.

Step in or connect her to professional help. As your daughter starts dating, monitor her mood and behavior for any major negative changes. While not every bad mood signals she’s in an abusive relationship, there are warning signs you need to get help if she is:^{[23]
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- Expressing anxiety about how a partner will react
- Making excuses for a partner’s bad behavior or substance abuse
- Feeling pressured to do things she wouldn’t normally do
- Receiving excessive messages, calls, and visits from her partner
- Connect with a resource like a school counselor or an organization like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (text START to 88788) if you need more support dealing with this situation.^{[24]
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  Trustworthy Source
  National Domestic Violence Hotline
  Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
  Go to source}

Expert Q&A

Question

At what age should a teenage girl start dating?

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Dr. Jacob Christenson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the CEO of Covenant Family Solutions. With more than 20 years of experience, he specializes in substance abuse issues, parenting, medical family therapy, couples counseling, family therapy, and counseling for treatment-resistant adolescents. Dr. Christenson has also been published in many peer-reviewed journals, including Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal and Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. He is an AAMFT Approved Supervisor for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and a Clinical Fellow for the Iowa Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (IAMFT). Dr. Christenson holds a BS in Psychology from California Polytechnic State University, an MS and PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy from Brigham Young University, and an MBA from The University of the People.

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Remember that dating nowadays isn't the same as it was when you were a teenager, and that there's not a single answer to that question. Mental maturity is different for the current generation than it was decades ago, so try to evaluate your child's mental readiness and assess what they should be doing.