How to Cope if Friends Are Being Mean

Co-authored by Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD

Last Updated: April 8, 2022 References

Navigating friendships is hard at times, especially when you're in your youth. Kids and teenagers are still learning who they are and how they want the world to see them, and sometimes they treat their friends certain ways based on how they want to be seen. Occasionally, people treat their friends badly, and it causes problems. There are ways to cope with this.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Reading the Situation

1
Observe your friends' behavior.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 24 July 2019.} Take note if they are being mean to several people or if they are only being mean to you. This gives you a starting point in figuring out what might be wrong.
- It will also be helpful to observe who they are being mean to, if it is more than one person. What do these people have in common that make your friends target them?
- You can take mental notes of your observations, and just store them in your memory, or you can write them down in a private journal. Hide the journal well, though, so it doesn't make things worse if it's ever found.
2
Notice trends in when and how they are mean. Your friends might be mean all the time, or they might only be mean in certain circumstances. What are the trends?
- Are they only mean to people who belong to a certain group (e.g. racial, ethnic, religious, et cetera)?
- Are they mean on certain days? What might be going on that this behavior only comes about on particular days? (For example, maybe it is always after a visit with a parent, if their parents are divorced.)
- Are they only mean when they are around a certain person or a certain other group of people (i.e. is that person or group influencing them)?
- Is it only one friend who is being mean and is getting others involved? Are a few friends all participating equally?
- Are they making mean comments to you or to others? Are they being somewhat physical in their meanness, like shoving, pushing, tripping, or something else? Are they threatening you or others?
- Is their behavior typical of bullying, or is it something more?
Advertisement
3
Determine whether you might be influencing their behavior, regardless of whether it is voluntary or involuntary. If you are the only person to whom your friends are being mean, try to figure out if they are bullying you. Use the questions below to help you determine if you accidentally did something that caused your friends to get mad at you, or if your friends' meanness toward you is completely unprovoked and unnecessary:
- Did you say something that offended someone?
- Did you cancel plans with a friend for no reason, or hang out with another friend instead?
- Do they seem jealous of you?
- Have you been mean to them recently, by taking out your anger on them or being judgmental of them?
- Is there a past argument or disagreement with them that has not been settled?
- Is there something about you that they perceive as bad or a sign of weakness (regardless of whether it is)?
4
Consider asking a trusted adult for advice. Look for someone who is a good listener, and often has good perspective. They may be able to give insight into the situation, and also support you as you deal with it. Try talking to a trusted parent, relative, teacher, school guidance counselor, clergy member, or mentor. Explain what has happened, what you've done to try to deal with it so far, and how you feel about it.
- Adults aren't perfect, and aren't always good at listening or giving good advice. If their advice doesn't feel helpful, it's okay to ignore it, or talk to a different adult.
5
Avoid retaliating when they are mean to you. While you try to figure out what is going on, it is best to avoid retaliating to your friends if they are mean to you. Being mean to them will only add fuel to the fire and make it harder for you to resolve the issue.
- You might consider distancing yourself from them for a couple of days to give all of you space and time to cool down.
- You could simply ignore the comments they make or things they do.
- Practice being nice to them in the face of their meanness. Treat them the way you would like them to treat you.^{[2]
  X
  Research source}
- It is best to not talk to other friends about their treatment of you, because that could start rumors and gossip, which very well may worsen the situation.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Confronting Your Friends

1
Create a plan for approaching your friends about their treatment of you. Once you have observed your friends' behavior and its trends, it is time to start thinking about how you are going to approach them about the issue. You will want to take care to be calm, rational, and supportive.^{[3]
X
Expert Source

Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 24 July 2019.}
- It is important to confront your friends about this. You do not want to avoid them, because it will only let the bad situation continue.^{[4]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Greater Good Magazine
  Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
  Go to source}
- If it is multiple friends, decide whether you want to talk to them one-on-one or all together. If you talk to your friends separately, there is a good chance that the first person might tell the others what is going on. This could be a good or bad thing, depending on the dynamic of your friendship. Keep this in mind as you are choosing which option to do.
- Pick a method for staying calm, if the conversation starts to get heated. For example, you could take a few deep breaths, count to 10, or politely end the conversation for now with a promise to resume it later.^{[5]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 24 July 2019.}
- Have a back-up plan to go to a trusted adult if the conversation does not go as well as you hope. Consider going to a parent, guardian, teacher, or guidance counselor to seek his/her help with the issue.
2
Know what you want to say to your friends about how they are making you feel. It takes a lot of courage to stand up for yourself in this way, and you want them to take you seriously and understand that they are hurting your feelings.^{[6]
X
Research source} Come up with a script or talking points of what you want to say.
- “I want to talk to you about how you've been making me feel lately.”
- “You might not realize it, but you've said many things lately that have hurt my feelings. Sometimes you say these things to me, and other times, you say them about me to other people.”
- “When you said (_________), it made me feel that you don't want to be my friend anymore.”
- “Is there anything going on that you'd like to talk about? I know you've mentioned that things have been a little tough at home lately. I want to support you.”
- “I really want to come to an understanding about this with you so that we can continue to be great friends.”
- “I need you to respect my feelings, because this bothers me, and I otherwise really enjoy being friends with you.”
3
Choose a day and time to take your friends aside and talk with them. If you decided to talk to your friends all at once, this might be easiest to do at school or at a time when all of you are hanging out. On the other hand, if you decided to talk to your friends one-on-one, work out when you will do that.
4
Be brave, and have the conversation. Explain that you want to talk about something that's impacting your friendship, take a deep breath, and explain what is bothering you.
- Show confidence by maintaining eye contact, having a conversation with them (instead of yelling at them), and giving them the opportunity to share their point of view.
- Have your script or talking points on paper with you so that you remember everything that you want to say.
- Avoid being mean or rude during the conversation. Again, this will only trigger negative reactions from your friends, which will not help you get to a resolution.
5
Allow your friends to share their side of the story. There is the possibility that they have been mean to you because of something you said or did. Be open to listening to what they have to say.
- Avoid interruptions. This can make them feel like you don't care about their thoughts and feelings.
- Listen actively. When they are done talking, paraphrase what you heard them say: “I heard you say that...”
- Be compassionate. If there is an issue that is bothering them, but it has nothing to do with you, then support them by listening carefully and offering to help.
6
End the conversation politely if it begins to get confrontational and argumentative. These negative conditions are not conducive to coming to a resolution.
- “This is starting to turn into an argument, and I don't want to argue with you. Why don't we try discussing this again in a few days, when we've cooled off?”
- “I can sense that this is turning into a bigger conflict. I don't want to make the situation any worse, so I'm going to go ahead and end our conversation here for now.”
- “I appreciate that you've taken the time to listen and talk with me, but our conversation is becoming really negative. Let's take a break.”
- "I need some air. We'll talk later."

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Resolving the Conflict

1
Offer ideas for how you think the issue can be fixed. Once you and your friends have shared your perspectives on the issue, work together to brainstorm how you all can move forward positively. Find ways to support each other and work through the issue together. Here are some examples:
- "Maybe next time you want to be alone, you tell me directly, instead of bottling it up. And I promise to listen right away instead of pushing you to hang out."
- "If you can work on telling me that you're mad instead of snapping, I can work on being more understanding and willing to let things go. I know that the stuff with your brother's illness has been really hard on you."
- "I can't fix your problems with your mean mom. But I can offer you my place to sleep over whenever things are rough. We could have more girls' nights. It might be good for both of us."
2
Apologize to your friends if it you upset them, or played a role in the hostilities. It is incredibly important to sincerely apologize, if you really value their friendship and want to maintain it.
- This can be challenging if it turns out they are upset with you over something that you feel you were “in the right” to do or say. If this is the case, you may have to come to a middle ground with them through discussion.
- Make sure you give your apology genuinely. Your friends likely know you well enough to know when you are lying, so do not do them the disservice of lying in your apology.
3
Follow through with the steps that you all decide upon to resolve the problem. Show your friends that you value them by helping to make sure this issue does not arise again. If you do not follow through, then your friends receive the message that you do not care about them.
4
Go to a trusted adult if the conversation goes badly and you need help. If your friends continued to be mean to you during the conversation, and showed no interest in resolving the issue, then it is time to implement your back-up plan of going to a trusted adult.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- Share as much as you feel comfortable with sharing about the situation so the adult can have a thorough understanding of what has been going on.
- Be open to his/her ideas and suggestions about how to handle the situation. Especially if it is a guidance counselor or teacher, he/she is likely trained in resolving these kinds of issues.
5
Consider distancing yourself from your friends, if needed. Again, if the conversation did not result in any positive outcomes, and your friends scoffed at you and showed no interest in repairing the friendship, then it might be time to consider distancing yourself from them.^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 24 July 2019.}
- Find new friends who truly care about you and value your friendship.^{[9]
  X
  Research source}Make plans with them instead of with your old friends. You can choose to explain to them what has been going on or not, but it will be helpful to have a support system.
- Be friendly toward them to try to keep the relationship amicable, but do not make spending time with them a priority.
- Do not make excuses for their behavior when it is unwarranted. If your friends are truly just being mean to you because they can be, then you need to let those relationships go.^{[10]
  X
  Research source}

Expert Q&A

Question

What should I do if my friends don't give me enough support?

Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Niall Geoghegan is a Clinical Psychologist in Berkeley, CA. He specializes in Coherence Therapy and works with clients on anxiety, depression, anger management, and weight loss among other issues. He received his Doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the Wright Institute in Berkeley, CA.

Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

There is no rule that says that every friendship has to be equally emotionally supportive all the time, but every person needs emotional support sometimes. At some point, you'll have to make a choice. Do these people show up for you when you need them? If not, then does it work for you and can you tolerate it? It could be that these are people you just enjoy activities with. It's also possible you may have a greater need for support than they can give, in which case, maybe the friendships are not meant to last forever.

Warnings

Always go to a trusted adult first if your friends show violent behavior toward you. Do not try to resolve those kinds of issues by yourself, as you could get physically hurt.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 40 Not Helpful 2