How to Listen

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Last Updated: November 2, 2022 References

If you tend to zone out when someone's talking, or you notice that people don't often choose you as a confidant, you may want to develop your listening skills. Taking an active approach to listening may help to improve your relationships and increase your enjoyment during conversations with other people. Start by using basic techniques to become a better listener. Then, learn how to combat common mistakes that people make when listening to others and improve the way that you respond to what people say to become an engaged listener.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Practicing Basic Listening Skills

1
Put away anything that might distract you. Listening to someone requires focus and it’s difficult to focus when you have things that are also competing for your attention. Before the person starts speaking, take a moment to put away or shut off anything that might distract you. Some ways you can do this include:^{[1]
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- Setting your phone to silent and stashing it in your pocket or bag.
- Switching off the TV, computer, or any other distracting electronics in the room.
- Choosing a quiet place to talk, such as an unoccupied corner of a café, your office, or a park bench.
Tip: Many people find it easier to have deep conversations outdoors, where there are fewer distracting screens and gadgets. Try going for a walk in the park or in your neighborhood.
2
Face the person and make eye contact with them. Making eye contact is an easy way to show someone that you are listening. Sit or stand so you are facing them, and look at them in the eyes. Keep your gaze relaxed, but avoid looking all around the room, checking your phone, or doing other things that continually pull your gaze away from them.^{[2]
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- Don’t stare at the person without ever breaking your gaze as this will seem intense and a little odd. Allow yourself to look away now and then, such as when you reach for a drink of water or as you adjust yourself in your seat.^{[3]
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- During one-on-one conversations, try to make 7-10 seconds of eye contact before looking away.^{[4]
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3
Smile and nod occasionally to show interest in what the person says. Smiling and nodding while someone is talking are easy ways to show that you are paying attention and that you are interested in what you’re hearing. Keep a natural, relaxed smile on your face while they are talking and nod your head once every few minutes.^{[5]
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- Don’t overdo this! It’s not necessary to smile or nod constantly to show you’re interested. Just try to remember to smile and nod once every few minutes if the person has been talking for a while.
- Chiming in now and then by saying "uh huh," "I see!" and "yes" can also help to show you’re listening and move the conversation along.
- Make sure to consider what they’re saying. If they’re telling you something serious or sad, then a neutral expression may be more appropriate than a smile.
4
Identify the emotions in words and body language. Much of what a person says may come through in subtle ways. This may include the way they speak, or their facial expressions, hand gestures, or body position. Some things to note include:^{[6]
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- The tone and quality of their voice, such as if it’s high-pitched, monotone, or trembling. A high pitched voice could mean anger or fear. A monotone voice may indicate sadness or boredom, while a trembling voice may indicate extreme emotional distress.
- Their facial expressions, such as if they’re smiling, frowning, or furrowing their brow. If they’re smiling, they’re likely happy, but if they’re frowning or furrowing their brow, they may be angry or frustrated.
- The position of their hands and arms, such as closed and crossed over their chest or open with their hands at their sides. A closed position can indicate frustration or anger, while an open position indicates receptiveness and cooperation.
5
Refocus if your mind starts to wander. If you’re bored by what the person is saying—and sometimes even when you’re not—your mind may wander. If this happens, force yourself to focus on their words again. Keep doing this as often as needed during the conversation.^{[7]
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- With practice, you will get better at focusing, even if you are not particularly interested in what they have to say.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Avoiding Common Mistakes

1
Relax by taking a few deep breaths if you’re feeling stressed. Feeling stressed can make it harder to listen effectively. If you notice that you feel nervous, anxious, overwhelmed, or just plain stressed, take a long, slow breath in through your nose. Count to 4 as you do this. Then, hold the breath for 4 seconds, and release it to the count of 4 as well.^{[8]
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- Repeat this as many times as needed while the person is talking or until you feel relaxed.
2
Avoid interrupting the person while they are speaking. Cutting off the person to share a story, brag about something, or comment on what they have just told you can be off-putting. It may also make the person think you aren’t listening to them. Resist the urge to interrupt the person while they’re speaking. Even after they seem to be finished speaking, pause and count to 5 slowly before you say anything.^{[9]
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Tip: Don’t try to finish their sentences either. Even if you feel pretty certain about what they’re going to say, this can be frustrating for the other person. Resist the urge to finish their sentences for them.
3
Suspend any judgment or criticism of what the person says. Don’t judge what the person says or criticize them in your mind while you’re listening to them. Even if you don’t say out loud what you’re thinking, it may come through in your facial expressions or body language. Judging or criticizing the person in your head can also affect your ability to hear what they are saying because you will have already decided what you think.^{[10]
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- Try to have empathy for the person instead of judging, criticizing, or blaming them. Focus on how you might feel if you were in their situation and if what they’re describing happened to you instead.
4
Resist the urge to plan what to say while the person is talking. You won’t be able to listen effectively if you are coming up with a response or rehearsing your response in your mind. It’s much better to listen fully to the person and then respond spontaneously and genuinely to them when they finish.^{[11]
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- For example, if the person is telling a story about a difficult family member, allow them to finish the story and then react to what they have said. Don’t start planning your reaction or a similar story about one of your family members while they are talking.
5
Provide suggestions only if you have something helpful to say. It’s not always helpful to suggest a solution to someone who has just shared a problem with you. In fact, they may not want that at all. If you think you might have something helpful to add after they finish speaking, think about whether or not it is truly helpful or if it’s more for the sake of saying something.^{[12]
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- For example, if the person has just told you about a financial issue they’re having, offering them general money advice may not be welcome. But if you have a specific suggestion that could be helpful for something they shared with you, then you might share this with them.
- Try framing any suggestions you make by pointing to the specific thing they shared and then sharing the advice. For example, you might say something like, “You mentioned that you have trouble saving money once it’s in your checking account. Have you looked into a direct deposit savings plan so that some of your money goes right into savings?”

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Responding to What You Hear

1
Paraphrase what the person has said to show you’re listening. Once the person has finished speaking, you can show them that you were listening by paraphrasing a key point or idea they shared. However, make sure that you do not simply repeat what they said word-for-word.^{[13]
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- For example, if the person has just told you about their day, you might say something like, “Oh, wow! It sounds like you were really busy, and that fiasco with your coworker sounds so frustrating! I’m glad you made it to yoga with your favorite instructor afterward and the day got a little better.”
2
Ask questions to clarify what the person says. It’s fine to let the person know if something they said is unclear to you. In fact, this is a good way to show them that you’re paying attention. Try to avoid interrupting them, and wait for a natural pause to ask them to clarify.^{[14]
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- For example, you might wait until they finish their next sentence, and then say something like, “Sorry, can you explain that again? I think I may have missed something.”
- Or, you might say, “Wait, what was that about your brother?”
3
Use open-ended questions to encourage the person to say more. Once the person finishes speaking, you may want to encourage them to keep talking. This lets them know you’re listening and interested in what they have to say. It’s also a great way to keep the conversation going.^{[15]
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- Try saying something like, “What happened after that?” or “How did you get through the rest of the day?”
- Or if they have just told you they checked out a new restaurant over the weekend, get more details by asking questions like, “What was it called?” “What kind of food do they serve?” “What did you order there?” and “How was it?”
Tip: People love to talk about themselves, so asking open-ended questions is a great way to keep a conversation going. This may be a useful strategy when meeting someone new, such as on a date or at a party.
4
Let the person know if you’re not able to listen to them at the moment. It’s important to stay tuned into your own needs and feelings to be a good listener. If you are feeling too stressed, distracted, or busy to listen to the person, it might be better to let them know that than to try and force yourself to listen.^{[16]
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- For example, you might say something like, “I can tell this is important, and I don’t want to miss anything. Can we talk later today? I’m running late for a meeting.”
- Or you might say, “I really care about what you have to say, but I just can’t focus right now. Can we pick a time to talk tomorrow instead?”

Listening Help

Listening Tips

Expert Q&A

Question

How does listening improve relationships?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

The whole point of communication is to move away from assumptions and begin to understand each other better. If you can listen in a loving and caring way, you create an environment where healthy communication can take place.