How to Give Emotional Support

Last Updated: January 16, 2023 References Approved

You may have a natural inclination to help others who are going through a tough time. However, if you aren’t careful, you could end up saying or doing something that makes the other person feel invalidated. With this in mind, it really is beneficial to learn effective techniques to use when offering emotional support for others.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Listening Actively

1
Walk to a private area. It is important to make sure that the person who needs your support feels a sense of confidentiality. An empty room is the best option if it is available. However, an unoccupied corner is sufficient if no rooms are open. Be sure to talk in a low voice, especially if you are in an area where others can potentially walk by and hear.
- Reduce distractions as much as possible. Try to select an area that is quiet where you won’t be distracted by the television, radio or other electronic devices. Also, be sure to avoid doing other things like texting or looking through your wallet while the person is talking.
- An alternative to sitting in a private area would be a “walk and talk.”^{[1]
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  Research source} Instead of sitting in one place, you and the other person could go for a leisurely stroll as you talk. This often allows the person to feel more comfortable discussing their problems.
- Active listening can also be accomplished over the telephone. However, it is important that you have the conversation when there aren’t a lot of distractions.
2
Ask questions. You can ask the person about what happened or how they're feeling. The key here is to assure them that you’re there to listen. It’s important that the person feels like you are truly interested in hearing what they have to say and that you really want to support them.
- Use open-ended questions to help guide the conversation and stir discussion. Good open ended questions will give you a glimpse into what the person is thinking
- Your questions should start with words like “How” and “Why” and should evoke discussion rather than one word responses.
- Some examples of open-ended questions are: “What happened?” “What will you do next?” “How did that make you feel?”
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3
Listen to the person’s response. Look at the person as they speak to you and give them your undivided attention. Having your undivided attention will help them feel more valued.
- Making eye contact is important so that the person knows that you are listening to them. However, make sure the eye contact isn’t excessive. Be careful that you don’t end up staring.
- Use open body language and other nonverbal cues to show them that you’re listening.^{[2]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source} Try nodding occasionally and smiling when appropriate. Also, be sure that you do not cross your arms because this reflects defensiveness and the person may not respond well to that posture.
4
Restate what the person is saying. Demonstrating empathy is a key component to helping someone feel supported. To reflect more empathy, it is important that you clearly understand what the person is trying to communicate. Acknowledging and reflecting back to them what they are saying is a great way to make sure that you understand. They’ll also feel more supported and better understood.^{[3]
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- Don’t just repeat back to them the exact same sentence that they state in a robotic fashion. Use paraphrasing to be more conversational in your approach. Just be sure that as you restate what the person is saying, you are using their words. You could say things like “It sounds like you are saying…” or “What I’m hearing is…” or other similar statements. This helps the person to know that you really are listening.
- Don’t interrupt the person when they are talking. Instead, show support by allowing them the opportunity to express what they are thinking and feeling without interruption. Only reflect back what they are saying when there is a natural silence in the conversation or when it’s clear that they are waiting for feedback.
- This is not the time to pass judgment or be critical. ^{[4]
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  Research source}Listening and showing empathy does not mean that you necessarily agree with what the person is saying; rather it is reflecting that you care about them and what they are experiencing. Avoid saying “I told you so,” “It’s really not that big of a deal,” “It can’t be that bad,” “You’re blowing it out of proportion” or other critical or minimizing comments. Your job during this time is simply to show support and empathy.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Lauren Urban, LCSW
  Licensed Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.}

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Validating Emotions

1
Guess what the person is feeling.^{[6]
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Research source} Try to figure out how the person is feeling as you’re talking. Some people struggle to put a label on their emotions or may even try to mask their feelings. This happens often when other people have criticized their emotional sensitivity in the past. Others may be confused about what they’re feeling. For example, someone may confuse frustration with anger or happiness with excitement. Helping the person identify what they are actually feeling is the first step to validation.
- Don’t tell the person how they are feeling. Instead, provide suggestions. You could say “It sounds like you’re feeling pretty disappointed” or “You seem pretty upset”
- Observe the person’s body language and facial expressions as they speak. Also, their tone may give you an idea of how they are feeling.
- Remember, if you guess wrong, they will correct you. Do not dismiss their correction. Accept that they are the only person who truly knows how they are feeling. Accepting their correction is also validation of their emotions.
2
Focus on understanding the person. This means putting aside your own thoughts or preconceived notions about the situation. Really be present and pay attention to what they are saying. Your agenda should not be to fix the problem or find the solutions. Instead, focus on providing a safe space where the person will feel heard.
- Avoid trying to offer advice unless you are asked. Trying to give advice may make the person feel like you’re being critical and invalidating.
- Do not try to talk the person out of feeling a certain way. Remember, they have a right to feel how they are feeling. Demonstrating emotional support means acceptance of their right to experience her emotions, whatever they are.
3
Reassure the person that their feelings are normal. It’s important that the person feels safe expressing their feelings. This is not the time to be critical of the person or the situation. Your goal is to make them feel supported and understood. Simple brief statements are best. Here are some examples of validating statements:
- “That’s a lot to deal with.”
- “I’m sorry that this is happening.”
- “It sounds like that really hurt you.”
- “I understand.”
- “That would make me angry too.”
4
Observe your own body language. Most communication is done in a nonverbal manner. This means that your body language is just as important as your verbal language. Make sure your body language reflects that you are paying attention and are demonstrating empathy and not criticism or rejection.
- Try to nod, smile, and make eye contact as you’re listening. Research has shown that people who demonstrate these nonverbal behaviors are often rated as more empathetic by observers.^{[7]
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- Smiling is especially helpful because the human brain is prewired to recognize smiles. This means that not only will she feel more supported but both the giver and receiver of a smile often feel better quicker.^{[8]
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  Research source}

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Showing Support

1
Ask the person what they want to do. If the person feels that they need more emotional support, it’s likely that something is imbalanced in their life. This is a great opportunity to help them explore what actions they can take to become emotionally centered again.
- The person may not have the answer immediately and that’s okay. Don’t push for a decision right away. They may just need to be heard and feel validated first.
- Ask “what-if” questions. “What-if” questions will help the person brainstorm possible action steps that they may not have considered before.^{[9]
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  Research source} Presenting options in a question format is less threatening and the person probably won’t feel like they are being told what to do. This approach allows you to give suggestions in a supportive manner without stripping away their power.
- Remember, you are not fixing the problem for the person. You are simply providing them support in finding the solution to the problem herself.
- For example, if your friend is struggling financially, you could ask, “What if you and your supervisor had a discussion about a pay raise?” Maybe your niece is feeling overwhelmed with work and home responsibilities. You could ask, “What if you planned a stress-free vacation for your family?” Any appropriate “what-if” question could be helpful.
2
Identify an action step. The person may not have all of the answers immediately, but it’s important to support them in taking small steps to resolve the problem.^{[10]
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Research source} Identifying the next step is important, even if it’s something small like the person agreeing to have another conversation with you the next day. People tend to feel more supported when they know that they have dependable people in their corner who will help them see the bigger picture.
- Continue to support the person in taking action steps until the problem is resolved. It may be a slow process but they’ll appreciate your support.
- When a person is grieving, there may not be any specific action steps. People grieve differently and grief can last up to a year or longer. When you are supporting someone through grief, listening to the stories they wants to share and accepting their feelings without minimizing her loss is very important.^{[11]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source}
- Sometimes an action step may mean getting help from a mental health professional.
3
Show your support in tangible ways. Sometimes it can be convenient to say things like “I’m here for you if you need me” or “Don’t worry. It’s all going to work out” instead of actually doing something to help. However, it's really important to actually show your support instead of just giving lip service. After spending time actively listening to the person, you’ll probably have some idea about specific things that you could do to help them feel more supported. If you’re stuck, here are some guidelines to get your thoughts rolling:^{[12]
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Research source}
- Rather than saying “Everything will be fine” you could do everything in your power to help make things better for the person. For example, you could help a sick friend find a good medical specialist or help them research treatment options.
- In addition to saying “I love you” you could do something for the person that you know they’ll appreciate. This could include buying them a gift, spending more time with them, or taking them somewhere special to help them de-stress.
- Instead of just saying “I’m here for you” you could bring the person dinner or help with tasks that they need to do in order to accomplish the action steps.
4
Follow up with the person. Everyone has a schedule and things get hectic sometimes, but it’s important to make time to help the person. They have probably received a lot of verbal support, but this deeper level of support would be appreciated much more. Remember, small acts of kindness really do go a long way.^{[13]
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Expert Q&A
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Question

How do I ask for emotional support?

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.

Lauren Urban, LCSW

Licensed Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Just be open and honest about what you're feeling and what kind of support you need. If you choose to open up to someone who is understanding and loving, they'll be empathetic.
Question

How do I validate someone when I disagree?

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.

Lauren Urban, LCSW

Licensed Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

You don't have to agree with what someone is saying to be empathetic toward them. Just listen to what they have to say and tell them you're there to support them. Acknowledge how they feel and keep your opinions to yourself for the time being.

Warnings

If you are showing support during a crisis, be sure to be observant of your environment to ensure everyone’s safety. If medical assistance is needed, make that a priority.

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Research has shown that some physical touch is good when you’re trying to show support.^{[15]
X
Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source} However, it is very important that you limit the touching unless you know the person well. A hug might be okay for a good friend but for an acquaintance even a simple hug might trigger a trauma related response. So be sure to limit touching and ask permission before hugging another person.

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