How to Know if People Aren't Listening to You

Last Updated: March 23, 2023

It can be frustrating when people aren’t listening to you. Whether you’re giving an important announcement or just telling someone about your day, you want to feel like you have their attention in that moment. If you aren’t quite sure if someone is paying attention to what you have to say, there are a few different ways you can check if someone is listening.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Observing Facial Cues

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Check if their eyes are on yours. If their eyes are wandering all over the room, seeing what else is going on, they aren’t listening to you. It’s an uphill battle trying to talk to someone who is checking their phone, staring at their computer, looking out a window, or seeing what everyone else is up to. Someone who is actively listening will make eye contact with you to show that they hear what you’re saying.^{[1]
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- On the other hand, eye contact that is unwavering can be a sign that they want to look like they’re listening when they aren’t. The key is that eye contact is natural and relaxed, rather than forced and tense.^{[2]
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- Some people are shy and uncomfortable with making steady eye contact. If they're looking away from you but otherwise seem attentive and tuned-in, they are still probably listening.
2
Look for a “plastered” smile. If someone wants to appear to be listening, they’ll smack on a smile and call it a day. Look for the unnatural smile that looks like it’s just permanently glued on to their face. That’s probably not genuine, and that means their interest probably isn’t genuine either!^{[3]
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- Just like with eye contact, the important thing to notice is that the listener seems tuned-in but still relaxed.
- Many people know how to look like they’re listening when they’re not, so any actions that seem robotic and insincere probably are.
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3
Observe the motion of their head. If it’s extremely still, they might be zoned out. If they’re staring at you with glazed-over eyes but not moving their head at all, their mind might be on a different planet. However, if they’re nodding aggressively to everything you are saying, they might be simply overcompensating physically in order to appear attentive. Instead, look for relaxed heads that nod at the correct moments.^{[4]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Pay Attention to Body Language

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See if their body is angled toward yours. This is key. When someone becomes fully engaged in what someone else is saying, they tend to shift their body to point towards the speaker. When you’re speaking to someone, observe how they position their body and the space they put between you. If they face you and lean closer, you most likely have their genuine attention. If their body is angled away and they lean back, they aren’t fully in the conversation, or they want the conversation to end. ^{[5]
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Check if they’re fidgeting. If someone is bored with the conversation, antsy to finish it, or just thinking about something else altogether, they tend to fidget. They might play with their watch or necklace, tap their fingers, or adjust their clothing. Maybe they fix their hair or move around in their seat. When someone is listening well, they won’t be worried about these little distractions, and their body will be still. ^{[6]
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- People often don’t even notice when they’re fidgeting. They’re probably not trying to insult you or give you a hint that they’re bored, simply unaware that they’re doing it.
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Determine if they are mirroring you. When someone is enthralled in a conversation and really connecting with what you’re saying, their body language will mimic yours. Perhaps they’ll lean to one side when you do, or cross their legs after you do. Even if you’re standing and they’re sitting, people who are totally absorbed will tend to subtly mirror your movements. This is a major indication that they are totally focused on what you have to say. If they aren’t mirroring your gestures, their mind might not be in the conversation fully.^{[7]
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- If the conversation is tense or emotional, they may not mirror you. It doesn’t always mean they aren’t listening, it’s simply one clue.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Checking Verbally

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Ask follow-up questions. This is easy. If you think they aren’t listening, simply ask something like, “So, what do you think?” If they respond with, “Wait, about what?” then they probably weren’t in the conversation to begin with. Ask for opinions and feedback to ensure that they’re engaged in the conversation. You can even simply say things like, “We went to this restaurant– have you ever been there?” Their responses are the easiest ways to know if they’re listening or not.
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Throw in something strange or unrelated. If their eyes are wandering, their body is turned away, their foot is tapping, and they just seem totally oblivious to what you’re saying, test them. If you’re telling them a straightforward story about something that happened to you, say something like, “So after that, both of my parents were killed in a vicious unicorn attack.” If they nod and say, “Uh huh,” then walk away. They aren’t listening to a word you’re saying.
- Not only is this a way to see if they’re listening, but it can also be a bit of fun for you. Get creative with your interjections.
- If you’re concerned about how the other person will react, or if they respond with confusion, you can cover your bases by adding something like, “Just thought I’d toss that in there to liven things up!”
3
Say, “Are you listening to me?” It can’t get more candid than that. If you have reasons to believe that someone isn’t focused on your words, ask them. Many people will be caught off-guard by the question, and this can help them re-focus. They’ll realize that you’re noticing their mind wandering.
- This can also be a helpful way to figure out why they aren’t listening. They might respond with something like, “I’m sorry, I’m trying to, but I really need to get to class,” or perhaps, “I was, but an ice cream truck just drove right behind you and I got distracted.” This might clear the air.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can you reactivate focus after 20 minutes attention span ends?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

If the person has been talking for 20 minutes straight, it is probably time for you to interject something into the conversation--like a question, or a segue to something related that you are interested in.
Question

If I detect that someone in a group is not paying attention, it makes me lose concentration. How do I avoid this?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

You don't have to be vigilant about every single person! Just be sure to notice how long you have been talking, and ask someone else to comment on whatever the topic is.