Try These 10 Things to Cut Flaky Friends Out of Your Life

Co-authored by Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA and Eric McClure

Last Updated: July 26, 2021 References

There’s nothing worse than a friend who’s never there when you need them, especially if they tend to disappear at the last minute or refuse to commit to anything. If you’ve got a chronic flake in your life that you need to let go, you may be digging for the best way to do it. The good news is that there a variety of ways to cut things off with someone who can’t (or won’t) be there for you. Keep in mind, if you know you’re going to run into this soon-to-be former friend in the future, it’s best to do this as amicably as possible.

1

Talk to them if you haven’t already.

Before you cut them off, make sure you’ve told them how you feel.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA
Adult Counselor & Certified Hypnotherapist
Expert Interview. 29 April 2020.} It’s possible that your friend hasn’t realized how much this means to you, so if you haven’t said anything, do that first. If you give them the opportunity to change, your friend may surprise you and you might not need to end a relationship that means a lot to you.^{[2]
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- Just tell them something like, “Hey, I’m kind of hurt that you’ve been cancelling plans you make with me. It makes me feel unimportant and like you don’t respect me,” and then take it from there. Be open, blunt, and honest about it.
- Maybe a friend has turned flaky because they’ve got a lot on their plate right now. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt and just address the issue with them.^{[3]
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- Some people cancel plans and don’t really think it’s a big deal, and some people are just super forgetful when it comes to showing up to things. Either way, talking to them will give them a chance to change.

2

Be straightforward to make a clean break.

If you are going to cut them off, be clear about what you’re doing.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA
Adult Counselor & Certified Hypnotherapist
Expert Interview. 29 April 2020.} This is the most mature way to go about things, and while it may be uncomfortable, it’s better than just never picking up the phone when they call and leaving them with questions.^{[5]
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Research source} This way, they’ll know why you don’t want to be friends anymore, and you may be able to reconnect in the future once they’ve learned to stop being such a flake.^{[6]
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- You could say something like, “Look, I just can’t keep hanging out with you. You’re never there when I need you and it’s been weighing on me a lot.”
- If you do want to let them down easy, you could say, “I hold my friends to a really high standard, and I know that’s a problem I have, but it’s making it hard for me to be around you. I’m sorry.”

3

Reciprocate the flakiness to end things slowly.

Stop trying, cancel plans as you please, and let them get the hint. If you start treating them the same way they’ve been treating you, one of two things will happen. Either they’ll change, and you can go back to being good friends, or they won’t, and they’ll find the exit door on their own. This may not be the fastest way to cut them off, but it’s a good option if you want them to feel what you feel and potentially see the error of their ways.^{[7]
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- You may come to an odd realization if you do this. You may stop putting so much emphasis on sticking to things with them and find it easier to be around them. If this happens, it might be a sign that your friendship with them is valuable, just not in the way you originally imagined!

4

Let the distance develop organically.

Let father time cut them off for you if it isn’t urgent. You don’t always need to say how you feel, and if they’re flaking out on you regularly anyway, there’s no reason you can’t just let this play out on its own. Instead of intentionally flaking on them, just forget about it. Expect them to flake, and let them do it without caring about it. Eventually, you’ll just forget about inviting them to things in the future and your friendship can peter out on its own.^{[8]
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- While treating them as you’ve been treated may make you feel good and have you whispering “I’ll show them!” behind your phone screen as you cancel plans, this is actually a more mature solution in a way. People change, and friendships change along with them. If the two of you aren’t destined to be friends, it’s okay.

5

Ghost them if you won’t run into them later.

It’s not the most mature approach, but it’s an option if you’re hurt. If you’ve tried talking to them about the problem and they still aren’t getting the message (or worse, they’re flaking more often), they may deserve to it. Delete them from your phone and block them on social media. You gave it your best shot, you tried to fix things, and they ignored you. You owe them nothing. Just move on with your life and forget about them.^{[9]
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- If they call or text you, you could tell them to stop or say, “I don’t want to be friends anymore.” Alternatively, you could just not respond at all.
- This isn’t a particularly elegant solution if you work or go to school together. If you try ghosting them but you see them all the time, it’s likely just going to lead to a fight. If you know you’re going to have to see them in the future, it’s best to be forward and friendly, or just let things slowly fizzle out over time.

6

Ignore the problem and treat them like an acquaintance.

Instead of cutting them off, try reframing the nature of your friendship. It’s possible that the way you view your friendship is different from the way they view your friendship. If you’re sacrificing your time and energy to be there for them and they aren’t doing the same, maybe you’ll have an easier time if you just treat them like a casual acquaintance. Maybe you’re holding them to a standard they can’t meet, or maybe you think you’re closer to them than you actually are. Either way, relaxing your friendship requirements may make things easy.^{[10]
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- You may not want to hear it, but it’s possible that you’re being too tough on your friends. If they’ve only cancelled plans a few times, it may not merit something as harsh as cutting them off.
- Try just treating your friendship like nothing is a big deal.

7

Set boundaries and stick to them.

If you do stay friends, make it clear what is or isn’t acceptable.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA
Adult Counselor & Certified Hypnotherapist
Expert Interview. 29 April 2020.} If you hate it when they cancel at the last minute, tell them to cut it out. If your main beef is that they rarely say if they will or won’t show up, say so. Be concrete and clear about what you’re willing to put up with, as well as what’s acceptable every now and then given certain circumstances.^{[12]
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- You might say, “Look, I know emergencies happen every now and then, but it really hurts me when you say you’ll show and then you just don’t. If you care about having me as a friend, please stop doing that.”
- You could try something like, “Listen, I personally don’t really care if it’s just supposed to be you and me. But it’s embarrassing when I invite you to a party and then you never show up. If there’s other people around, I need you to be there for me.”

8

Invest your time in friends who show up.

Now is a good time to put your energy into your other friends. There’s no good reason to dedicate a ton of emotional and social energy to your flakey friends if you’ve got other friends who are there when you need them. Forget about the flakes and just dedicate your time where it will be appreciated.^{[13]
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Research source}If you don’t have other friends, you’ve got a great reason to go make some!
- If your flakey friend sees you having fun and fulfilling relationships with people who know how to stick around, they may change their tune.

9

Don’t take their flaky behavior personally.

No matter what happens, don’t blame yourself for their behavior. If you have a chronic flake in your life, it’s perfectly reasonable to be upset. Still, it’s important to recognize that this doesn’t really have anything to do with you. People who go rogue on plans all the time are either super disorganized, incredibly selfish, or hyper unaware of the consequences. Whatever the reason, it isn’t your fault and you shouldn’t take it as an indictment of who you are.^{[14]
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- If it feels like they’re only flaking on you, ask some other mutual friends what their experience is like. If a particular friend is only skipping town when you ask to hang out, maybe they do have a specific issue with you. But it’s very likely that they do this to everyone and your mutual friends just haven’t complained about it.

10

Accept some mild flakiness.

Everyone cancels plans now and then, so try not to be unreasonable. If you’re the type of person who always shows up on time and never misses an appointment in your planner, it can be hard how someone could possibly call out at the last minute or skip an event. However, it’s normal for people to break plans every on occasion, and it may not be worth reacting strongly if this only happens once in a while.^{[15]
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- Learning to love your friends for who they are means accepting their flaws, too. If they aren’t doing this maliciously and they don’t cancel plans all the time, it probably isn’t something you need to address.