How to Tell a Female Best Friend You've Developed Feelings for Her

Last Updated: September 21, 2022 References

Developing feelings for a female best friend can feel like you’ve just stepped off a plane into a foreign country: everything is confusing and alien. Acting on your feelings takes courage, so good for you! But before you have the conversation, think things through and get a second opinion. Then, plan to sit down and talk face-to-face. After you share your feelings, the ball is in her court. Follow a few strategies to help yourself move forward— no matter the outcome.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Considering Your Options

1
Wait it out to see if your feelings are real. Cool your heels for a bit first. Feelings aren’t facts, and sometimes they come and go. Before you take an irreversible step, be sure that your feelings for your best friend are actually of a romantic nature.^{[1]
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- First, consider whether or not you strongly care for or love your friend simply because she’s a great person or is always there for you.
- Next, determine if your feelings are arising out of loneliness because you’re not seeing anyone, jealousy because she’s in a relationship, or fear because you think the dynamic of your friendship is changing.
2
Consider her availability. Before you tell your friend how you feel, think about whether or not she will or can be receptive to your romantic feelings. Is she currently in a happy relationship in which she’ll feel blindsided by your news? ^{[2]
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- If she's in a relationship, you might try to figure out if she's happy in that relationship. If so, back off and wait until she's single again.
- Even if she's in an unhappy relationship, giving her some time could ensure that the two of you have a healthy start rather than you being a rebound.
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3
Question if she might be interested. Reflect on your interactions with your best friend. Has she ever sent any signals that she might be interested in you, too? For instance, maybe she once said she'd date you if you weren't friends.^{[3]
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4
Get advice from a third party. Seek out additional opinions from people who care about you. Tell people who know the two of you how you’re feeling and see if they think she feels the same way or if it's worth jeopardizing your friendship.^{[4]
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- Only get input from solid, trustworthy people and be sure you think can look at the situation objectively.
5
Know the possible consequences. Exploring a romantic relationship with a friend can be the absolute best thing ever, or the worst thing. If she’s into you as well, this may open up a brand new door that makes your existing relationship even more satisfying. If she’s not into you, this could change the dynamic of your friendship moving forward.^{[5]
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- But, if you really like her, these possible consequences shouldn't change anything. If it doesn't work out, you might need time apart for awhile, but at least you will have taken a bold step towards something you wanted!

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Putting Your Feelings Out There

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Hint around first to gauge her reaction. Introduce the idea of you and her as a couple by casually dropping a hint. You might say something like, “If you and I were a couple, I bet we’d spend so much time fighting about restaurants, huh?” or “Do you believe two people can be friends without ever catching feelings for each other?"^{[6]
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- Pay attention to her facial expression and body language in addition to her verbal response. If she seems to shut down or dismiss the idea, this may indicate she’s not interested.
2
Think about what you will say in advance. If you’re still thinking about sharing your feelings with your best friend, go over exactly what you’ll say. Aim for a brief disclosure that tells her how you feel and maybe how long you’ve felt that way.^{[7]
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- For example, you might say something like, "I really like you and I've felt this way for months now."
3
Arrange for a good time for both of you to meet. Call or text your friend and ask her to meet you in person. Let her know that you have something important to talk to her about.^{[8]
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- You might say, “Hey, I have something I need to tell you. Are you free to talk this evening at 5?"
4
Be direct during the conversation. Sharing your romantic intentions for a friend can feel messy enough as it is, so try not to beat around the bush. Explain why you asked to meet with her and exactly how you’re feeling. Be as specific as possible.^{[9]
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- For example, if you’re simply physically attracted to your best friend and would like to bring sex to the table, say that.
- If you are “in love” with her and would like to be in a romantic relationship, be clear about that.
5
Don’t apply undue pressure. Once you’ve said your part, back off. Having a friend share their feelings can be overwhelming. She probably will need time to process everything and decide how she wants to move forward.^{[10]
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- Say something like, “I know this is a lot to take in. Take your time thinking about what I’ve said. I don’t want to make you feel pressured.”

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Moving Forward

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Set clear boundaries. Whether your best friend embraced your romantic feelings or rejected your advances, the two of you need to figure out where your friendship stands. Set boundaries with one another moving forward, so that you’re on the same page.^{[11]
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- For instance, if she didn’t feel the same way, you might set a boundary that you no longer hang out with her alone. You might also choose to take a break from the friendship before deciding how to move forward.
2
Balance your time with others. Spread your love and friendship around among your social circle instead of reserving it all for your best friend. Start spending time with others, too. Plan a fun game night, attend a friend’s sporting event, or join a new club.^{[12]
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- This is important to do whether you decided to pursue the relationship or not. It’s healthy to have close relationships with a range of people.
- If you decide to start dating your friend, make sure that you still make time for your other friends. It is healthy to keep your friends when you start a new relationship.
3
Work on your confidence. If your best friend rejected you, it could temporarily tank your self-esteem. Focus on improving your confidence by acknowledging your strengths and accomplishments. Make a long list of all the reasons you’re great.^{[13]
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- To really feel empowered, start your list with “I am...” and recite every item on the list several times each day.
4
Recognize her good qualities in those around you. Although it may be hard to see, your best friend doesn’t have a monopoly on attractiveness, humor, compassion, or intelligence. There are plenty of others in your life that possess those positive traits, too.^{[14]
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- Make an effort to notice the good qualities in others. Bonus points: tell them about the good you see in them— it’ll make both of you happier.

Conversation Help

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Expert Q&A
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Question

How do you know when you're ready to take the step from just being friends to being something more?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Just sit with your feelings for a while and see if they are consistent. Pay attention to your friend, and try to assess if she would be open to such a step. Remember that this is a 2-person process, so it is a matter that both of you are ready and willing. Good luck!