How to Tell Your Girl (Friend) You Love Her As a Girl

Last Updated: February 20, 2023 References

If you’re a girl who has developed feelings for another female friend, it can be hard to know what to do about it. Start by examining your feelings and the situation more closely to decide if it’s worth telling her how you feel. If you decide to tell her, plan the conversation carefully. Then, listen to what she has to say and take it from there!

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Feeling out the Situation

1
Consider if you’re willing to risk your friendship to reveal your feelings. This is perhaps the most important thing to consider before you tell a female friend that you like her. Revealing your feelings may cause the relationship to become awkward or even end if she doesn’t feel the same way. ^{[1]
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- It’s also possible that she will return your feelings and the two of you might have a rewarding romantic relationship.
2
Look for signs that she’s interested in you romantically. Think about how she interacts with you and whether she has said or done anything to indicate that she might have feelings for you, too. Some things to watch for as evidence that a girl might like you include:^{[2]
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- Body language cues, such as smiling, leaning in towards you, watching your mouth, touching you lightly, etc.
- Messaging you often, either just to chat with you or to make plans with you.
- Asking you lots of questions about yourself and showing genuine interest in you.
- Mirroring your body movements, such as placing an elbow on the table in front of them when you do.
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3
Imagine how you would feel if you never got a chance to tell her. If you’re on the fence about whether or not to tell her how you feel, taking the opposite perspective may help you to decide if you should say something. Try to imagine how you might feel if she moved away and you never told her how you felt. Would it feel like a missed opportunity? Would you be sad about not having told her? If so, then you may want to tell her as soon as possible. ^{[3]
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- If the idea of not telling her makes you feel relieved, then it might be better to say nothing for now.
4
Talk with a trustworthy friend about your feelings for the girl. Mulling over your feelings on your own is unlikely to help you decide if you should tell her. Instead, grab a trustworthy friend and tell them what you’re thinking. They can offer their perspective on the situation, which might help you to decide if you should say something.^{[4]
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- For example, your friend might tell you whether or not they see you and this person together, or if your friend has ever said anything about liking you or given any signs that they might, such as by flirting with you.
5
Drop hints and flirt with her to see what happens. If you’re not quite ready to tell your friend how you feel, flirting with her might help you to decide. Try giving your friend compliments, making eye contact with her more often, and possibly even engaging in some playful teasing.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Christina Jay, NLP
Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach
Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.}^{[6]
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- For example, you could say something like, “You look amazing in that dress! I can’t take my eyes off of you!” Or, you might say, “You’re so sweet! I could just eat you up!”
Tip: If you’re comfortable with touching your friend, you could gently touch her arm while talking with her or try nudging her gently with your shoulder when you’re walking together.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Telling Her How You Feel

1
Choose a good time and place to talk with your friend. Telling someone you like them is a delicate conversation, so make sure you will have time and privacy to do it properly. Ask your friend when might be a good time for her and arrange to meet up with her at a designated place.^{[7]
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- Avoid talking with her in front of other people. Make sure that you will be alone for the conversation and in a place you both are comfortable with.
- Try meeting up at a café and getting a corner table if you want to meet somewhere in public, or arrange to meet up at your house or hers for more privacy.
2
Take deep breaths to get your emotions under control. If you’re nervous about telling her, take a few deep breaths before you start talking. Breathe in through your nose to the count of 5, then hold the breath for 5 seconds, and exhale through your mouth to the count of 5. This should help you to feel calm, which will make it easier to talk without getting overly emotional.^{[8]
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- Remind yourself to breathe deeply during the rest of the conversation as well.
3
Remove any distractions so you can focus on the conversation. Sit or stand so that you are facing her, such as across from her at a table or by turning towards her on a sofa. Make eye contact with her and put away anything that might distract you during the conversation, such as your cell phone, laptop, or tablet.^{[9]
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- Remove any other distractions you can as well, such as by turning off the television.
4
Express your feelings for her in a straightforward manner. Tell the girl that you like her directly.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Christina Jay, NLP
Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach
Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.} Don’t beat around the bush or say anything mysterious. Just come right out and say it! Taking the leap will make the conversation much easier to get through.^{[11]
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- Try saying something like, “Amanda, you’re one of my closest friends, and I also think I have developed some romantic feelings for you. It’s totally fine if you don’t feel the same way, but I wanted to tell you because I think I might regret it if I don’t.”
- Or for an even simpler option, you could simply say, “Janice, I like you as more than a friend. I don’t know if you feel the same way, but I felt like I should tell you.”
5
Text her if you’re worried about how she might react. If you’re worried about what she might say or if it just feels less scary to send her a text, it’s fine to do this. Keep the text short and simple. Try to let her know how you feel in 2-3 sentences, and let her know it’s okay if she doesn’t feel the same way. Try to end the text so it does not require a response if she’s uncomfortable responding. Plan to send the text in the afternoon or evening, not late at night or early in the morning since she may be annoyed by a text at an odd hour.^{[12]
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- Try texting her something like, “Hi Melanie. I love spending time with you and I think I might have feelings for you, too. I don’t know if that's something that you're interested in exploring, but I just needed to tell you how I feel.”
- Or, you could text her, “Christina, I’m going out on a limb here, but I think I am falling for you. I understand if you don’t feel the same way, but let me know if you do.”
Tip: Always use proper grammar and avoid acronyms when you text her. Put your best foot forward!^{[13]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Moving Forward with the Relationship

1
Listen to your friend’s response after you tell her how you feel. Give your friend a chance to respond and listen to her carefully as she does. Your friend may tell you she likes you, too, she may ask for more time to process what you’ve told her, or she may tell you right away that she does not like you. However she responds, listen attentively and don’t interrupt her.^{[14]
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- Try nodding and keeping a neutral expression while she talks to show her that you’re listening to her.
2
Prepare for her to seem a bit shocked. Your friend may seem a little shocked right after you tell her how you feel, so try to prepare yourself for this reaction. However, keep in mind that this is a normal reaction when someone finds out that a friend likes them. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you back, but she might not have thought of you in this way before.^{[15]
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- You could try practicing interacting with your friend after telling her you like her, such as by role playing with another friend. Have them pretend to be the girl you like and react in a few different ways to help you determine how you should respond.
3
Make plans to do something fun with her if she says she likes you back. If after revealing your feelings to your friend, she tells you she likes you, too, make plans to do something together! Schedule your first date or just plan a casual outing together, such as to go see a movie or get coffee.^{[16]
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- Try saying something like, “Would you like to go see a movie with me on Saturday evening?” or “I’d like to hang out with you sometime this week. When are you free?”
4
Respond graciously if your friend does not feel the same way. It’s important to acknowledge that you accept your friend’s decision if she doesn’t return your feelings, especially if you want to preserve the friendship. Let her know that you still value her friendship and that you understand that they don’t feel the same way about you. Thank her for listening to you and for being honest with you.^{[17]
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- Try saying something like, “I understand. I appreciate your honesty and I value your friendship.”
5
Acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself to experience them. Once you’re on your own, allow yourself to feel sad and even cry about being rejected by your friend. This is normal and you are allowed to feel sad. Just be careful not to dwell on these feelings for too long.^{[18]
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- For example, you could allow yourself to feel sad and cry about what happened for 1-2 days, but then make sure to get yourself out and do something fun to distract yourself.
6
Distance yourself from your friend for a while if you need space. If your friend has told you she does not reciprocate your feelings, spending time around her can be difficult. It’s okay to cancel plans you’ve made with her and avoid making new plans for a while. You might also reduce how often you see her by avoiding places you know she’ll be.^{[19]
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- Try saying something like, “Janet, I value our friendship, but I need to work through some things before we spend time together again. I hope you understand.”

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I let go and move on?

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor

Expert Answer

Have another conversation with her if you feel like you need closure from the situation. Go into this conversation with a goal, so you can get the most out of your chat.
Question

What if she has a lover?

Community Answer

She may feel the same about you but is scared to admit it. You need to tell your friend. Don't assume that she will leave her lover. Tell her you are becoming attracted to her, but not sure if you want anything from it. That way she will respect your viewpoints but also respect her own relationship
Question

What can I do if she's not very talkative, or if her parents might be homophobic?

Community Answer

Her parents being homophobic is nothing that you can change, nor should you try. People are only going to change if they want to. If she isn't talkative, try to ask her questions that will open her up to conversation.