This article was co-authored by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Deb Schneider is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Oakland, CA, and a Program Manager for the Weiland Health Initiative at Stanford University. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in creating safe spaces, respectful of marginalized identities, at the high school and college levels. Deb holds a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Women's Studies from Clark University and a Master of Social Work (MSW) with Health Concentration from the University of California, Berkeley School of Social Welfare.
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If your parents are scared or uncomfortable with the fact that some people are transgender, it can be hard to be yourself around them. Whether you yourself are transgender or you just support transgender people, dealing with your parent’s transphobia can be difficult and frustrating. We’ve answered your questions about handling tough conversations and troublesome comments at home so you can help your parents understand you better and (hopefully) reach a compromise with them.
Steps
How do I tell my parents that I am trans?
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1Consider the risks of telling your parents. For example, if you’re under 18, coming out to your transphobic parents might have some large consequences and may make living at home uncomfortable. Ask yourself if you feel physically and emotionally safe about telling your family that you’re trans before you do anything.
- Some people choose to turn 18 and move out of the house before disclosing to be safer, It’s up to you.
- Consider going to a support group or joining an online forum for tips on coming out to your parents and to better prepare yourself. A good forum for this is called "Empty Closets," which you can visit at https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php.
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2Ask for acceptance from your parents. While you may not be ready to come out as trans and tell your parents at this moment, talk to them and at least let them in on how you feel. Try to educate them about trans and nonbinary issues and what you are going through. Understanding what you are going through could help them accept you.[1]
- For example, say, “I know I’m a bit different from my siblings, but I want to talk to you. It’s hard for me to feel like I fit in.”
- If you’ve come out and your parents aren’t accepting, say, “I know you don’t accept that I’m trans, but I want you to accept me as your child and as part of this family.”
- If at any point you feel threatened or endangered by your parents or family, get help from a friend or an LGBTQ center near you.
How do I deal with my parents making negative remarks?
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1Confront your parents if you feel safe doing so. You might have ignored some transphobic comments your parents made at first, but you may want to start saying something. A polite (not angry) confrontation can help change their attitudes and behaviors. See it as a way to share your views and kindness with them if you can.
- For example, say, “That was an unkind comment. Please don’t say that.”
- You can also say, “Please don’t say those things, especially around me. I think all people should be treated with respect, whether they differ from me or not.”
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2Set boundaries with your parents. Even if you strongly oppose one another, both you and your parents deserve to be treated with respect. Don't let anyone use name-calling, derogatory remarks, or curse words. Ask your parents not to say things about trans people around you or in public.[3]
- If you can’t talk about trans issues without getting upset or blowing up at each other, you might want to drop it. You can’t change their minds, and you may have to agree to disagree.
- Your goal should be to allow both you and your parents to make yourselves heard, not to change each other's opinions.
How can I make my parents understand trans issues?
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1Be patient with your parents. If they’re from an older generation, they may have some trouble wrapping their mind around these issues. It might take months (or even years) for your parents to understand and accept what you tell them, so try to give them some space.[4]
- This is especially true if you’ve come out as transgender. While you might feel hurt by your parents lack of acceptance, if you give them time, they could come around.
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2Accept your parents for where they’re at. You might have to accept that your parents just don't understand, no matter how hard you try. It’s upsetting when you feel like your parents don’t understand or support you or the things you care about, but it can take time for them to see things differently. Acknowledge their feelings and where they are at.[5]
- If you’re trans and feel unaccepted, don't completely lose hope for your parents. Tell them that you love them and that they must accept who you really are.
- Expect it to take a little time. Make sure you are getting what you need without their support in the meanwhile.
How can I reach out for support from others?
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1Lean on your loved ones. You may feel sad and disappointed if your parents are transphobic. Dealing with a difficult relationship with your parents can be tough, so make sure you have supportive people around you. Be around people who understand you, love you, and want the best for you.[6] [7]
- It helps to feel supported by people who care. Even if they don’t understand your gender identity, the fact that they care and are there for you can help.
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2Join a support community. There are lots of ways to get involved and meet other people who are LGBTQ and gender diverse. Depending on where you live, there might be an LGBTQ community in your town that can provide resources, counseling, and support. If you can’t find a center near you, join an online community. You can meet others your age with similar concerns and problems regarding family.[8]
- It's really validating to surround yourself with a community of people who accept you and support you for who you are.[9]
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3Talk to a mental health professional. A therapist or counselor can help you work through your emotions and figure out your next steps. Choose a therapist who specializes in working with gender diverse and LGBTQ clients. They can help you navigate how to handle conflicts, bring up transitioning, and feel better with being yourself.[10]
- Find a therapist through your (or your family’s) insurance provider or a local mental health clinic. You can also ask friends or your local LGBTQ resource center for a referral.
Expert Q&A
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QuestionI am FtM and 16 years old. How do I come out to my mom when I'm the only girl she has and already has 2 sons and had a miscarriage of a baby girl?
Paul Chernyak, LPCPaul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
Licensed Professional CounselorYour mother's ambitions for a girl should not be your concern. That is for her to come to terms with. Your only task to to make yourself known and heard. -
QuestionMy mum's supportive but since I told my dad, both of them seem against it. He says it stems from depression and threatened to pull me out of school. He's forcing God down my throat. What do I do?Paul Chernyak, LPCPaul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
Licensed Professional CounselorTry to educate him on the topic by providing some written material or having him attend a support meeting with you. If he is still too blinded by his faith to accept you, then you may just have to move on without him in your life for now.
Warnings
- If you’re feeling suicidal, call for help right away. In the USA, call the Trevor Project at 866-488-7386 or the Trans Lifeline at 877-565-8860.⧼thumbs_response⧽
References
- ↑ https://www.lgbtyouth.org.uk/media/1054/coming-out-guide-for-t-people.pdf
- ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/gender-identity/transgender/whats-transphobia
- ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/conflict-resolution/
- ↑ https://www.hrc.org/resources/transgender-children-and-youth-talking-to-grandparents-and-other-adult-fami
- ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/gender-identity/transgender/whats-transphobia
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/transgender.aspx
- ↑ Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.
- ↑ Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.
- ↑ Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC. Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.
About This Article
It can be difficult when you realize you have transphobic parents, but with some practice talking to them and getting some support from other people, you’ll be okay. If you haven’t come out to your parents yet, first, consider whether it’s safe to do so. For example, if you’re under 18 and you think your parents might kick you out of the house, consider waiting until you have the means to live on your own. If you think it’s safe to come out, sit down with your parents and explain what you’re feeling and going through. If they don’t react well, remind them that your relationship with them hasn’t changed. You can say something like “I know you don’t accept that I’m transgender, but I want you to accept me as your child and as part of this family. If you feel threatened or in danger after coming out, don’t be afraid to leave and go somewhere safe, like a friend’s house or an LGBT center. In the U.S. you can also call the Trevor Project at 866-565-8860 for help. Keep in mind that there are tons of communities around you that want to support you, even if your parents don’t. Try googling “trans support group” or visit transinstitue.org for ideas on where to start. For advice on educating your parents about trans issues, read on!
