How to Tell if Your Guy Friend Is Gay

Last Updated: January 30, 2023 References

There are lots of reasons why you might want to know if your friend is gay. There are some important things that you have to understand about this situation before going forward, however. Someone's sexuality is highly complex and highly private, and you may be starting more problems than you solve by trying to find out.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Facts You Need to Know

People have good reasons to stay closeted sometimes. You may want to know if your friend is gay, but there may be a good reason why they're staying closeted. By "outing" them, even to yourself, you may be putting them in danger. For example, his family may be violently homophobic and by deciding that he's gay, you may out him by accident by treating him different or implying something without meaning to.^{[1]
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Being interested in men does not mean he's not interested in women. If you're trying to figure out if your friend is gay because you want to date him (as a woman), it's important to remember that just because he might be interested in men doesn't mean he's not interested in women. This is why it's better to ask or just see how things develop between you, rather than just decide for yourself.^{[2]
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Even if he is gay, that should not inform your opinion of him. Another important thing to remember is that it's not very important whether or not he's gay. This piece of information should not have any impact on how you think of him or how you interact with him. Since it doesn't matter, then you don't have to know, and judging prematurely can only create problems.
Someone's sexuality is their business. At the end of the day, the most important thing to remember is that his sexuality is his business. Just like you wouldn't sit in front of someone and watch them make out with their partner (or watch even more intimate acts), you don't need to break into that part of his life. All you can do is ask and let him decide if he wants to tell you.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Reading Social Cues

1
Pay attention to how he talks about men. Listen when your friend talks and see what he says about other men. Does he frequently refer to other guys as being attractive? Does he gush about his favorite male characters on television or the latest hot-topic celebrity? Does he get all tongue-tied around the quarterback or the office stud? Things like this can be a cue that he likes them with a little bit more than basic admiration.^{[3]
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- For example, if he says something like, "Oh man, I spent all weekend hanging out with Jacob. He was so nice and felt so natural to be around him."
2
Think about how he talks about women. You might also want to look for language which shows a lack of interest in women or an absence of language that would normally show an interest in women. This can be another indicator that he's gay. Guys will generally get bashful and tongue-tied around women that they like. If you're not seeing any of that, then he might be gay.
- For example, does he get reluctant or act uncomfortable when you offer to set him up on a date?
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3
Watch for secretive, ashamed, or embarrassing behavior. When someone is closeted, they often have to hide a lot of things about themselves. Your friend might even be out, just not to you, which means they have to hide a whole other life. Watch for signs that they're hiding something or that they're ashamed or embarrassed about something since this can be an indication.
- For example, if you invite him to go do something else during the same weekend as the Pride festival and he says that he is busy, that might be an indication.
4
Look for physical cues. One of the theories about why some people are gay has to do with the hormones that they're exposed to before they're born. These hormone exposure levels may manifest in actual, physical ways which can be a vague indicator that a guy might be gay. Look for a feminine walk, body shape ^{[4]
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Research source}, or finger length ^{[5]
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Research source}. These can be signs that he was exposed to more estrogen than usual in utero, which may affect brain development. However, it's incredibly important to remember that this is not a 100% fool-proof sign. There are lots of other factors that can contribute to these changes in the body, so don't point to this as your smoking gun.
- In women, the ring and pointer fingers are the same length, while the ring finger is longer in men. Gay men are slightly more likely to have even fingers than straight men. However, there are factors (such as having a lot of older brothers) that can make this indicator completely irrelevant.
5
Consider alternative possibilities. You should also consider what other possibilities all of these different signs might indicate. It is possible that your guy friend is not gay but instead falls somewhere else on the Kinsey scale of unicorns and awesomeness. He could be:
- Bisexual, meaning he's interested in men and women.
- Asexual, meaning that he naturally has no sexual desire.
- He may just not be interested in you if you're wondering why he hasn't made a move on you.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Avoiding Common Pitfalls

1
Don't judge based on feminine voice or way of talking. Although some people in the gay culture may put on a certain voice or a way of speaking, your friend talking in a similar or "effeminate" way is still not a very good way to judge. Some guys are simply soft-spoken or have naturally feminine ways of speaking.
- For example, he may simply be shy or grow up around someone who talked similarly.
2
Don't judge based on the kinds of things he likes to do. What a guy enjoys is also not a very good way to judge if he is gay or not. Everyone can enjoy different things; just like a woman might enjoy watching football, guys can also enjoy things that are more commonly associated with women or the gay community.
- Examples of activities he can like and still be straight as an arrow: figure skating, dance, and theater.
3
Don't judge based on the kinds of media he likes. The movies he watches and the music he listens to are also not fair methods to gauge if he is straight or gayer than Elton John and George Takei put together. You'll have to look for other indicators than his mp3 collection.
- Examples of media that he can like and still be straight: Lady Gaga, musicals, and chic flicks.
4
Don't judge based on how he looks, dresses, or grooms himself. There's the stereotype that if a guy is a good dresser or if he spends a bunch of time on his hair, he's gay. However, guys getting more invested in how they look is pretty common these days, making this a terrible way to judge.
- Similarly, you shouldn't assume that just because he's super macho and wouldn't know the right end of the comb to use, he's straight.
5
Do not judge based on who he hangs out with. Sometimes you might assume that just because a guy only hangs out with girls or just because his best friend also seems gay, then he might also be gay. These are not fair indicators, though. Different people look for different things in friendships and he probably just feels better around the friends that he has.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Having A Respectful Talk

1
Get some alone time. Set aside some quality time for the two of you to talk. This is a very private matter and you don't want to put him in an awkward position in front of other people. You should also work your way up to this serious conversation by talking about other deep matters first. It's important to make him feel comfortable and set the expectation that you two can share deep, personal feelings with each other.
- For example, talk about your family problems or maybe politics and your concerns for the future.
2
Show him you're okay with your friends being gay. Subtly bring up subjects that show him that you're okay with your friends being gay and that he doesn't need to hide his nature around you.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.} You can talk about another friend that is gay or even just about someone hypothetically coming out if you don't know someone who's gay.^{[7]
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- For example, you can say something like "I admire people like Neil Patrick Harris. He does a great job of showing people that there's more to gay people than all those offensive stereotypes. And he's so happy now. I wish everyone felt like they could live as out and proud as he does."
3
Talk about other friends coming out. You can also talk about the experience that other people had with coming out. Show him that you're concerned that those same negative effects might plague him. This can show him that you're ready to be a support network if he needs one.
- Say something like, "Before Andie came out I was so worried about her. She seemed to be so unhappy...like she didn't like herself very much. And then everyone was so mean to her after she did. I don't want anyone to have to go through that."
4
Allow him to tell you. Now that you've set the precedent and shown him that you are someone safe and accepting to talk to, give him the time and opportunity to tell you.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.} He might not tell you in that conversation. He might not even tell you that week. But if he is gay, he will probably tell you once he's comfortable and feels like he trusts you.
- It is important to maintain an environment of trust if you want him to tell you. Don't spread any gossip about anybody, since spilling any kind of secret just tells him that you might spill his.
5
Just ask him. Of course, if he doesn't say anything or if you would rather not make any assumptions based on his behavior, just ask him. It's okay to ask. This is the best way to find out if someone is gay and much less offensive than making assumptions about them.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.} It may feel awkward, but chances are, if you are trusted, this friend will tell you the truth.
- Say something like, "You know you're stuck with me as a friend no matter what, but I just have to ask because I don't want to make assumptions and come to the wrong conclusions: are you gay?"
- Do the bend and snap. Legally Blonde can solve many things when you use it correctly.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you ask someone what is their sexuality?

Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Kateri Berasi is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder of Transcendent Self, PLLC, a group therapy practice offering affirmative, collaborative, and intentional care, based in Brooklyn, New York. With over ten years of experience in the mental health field, Dr. Berasi specializes in working with adults from the LGBTQIA+ community and creative industries through individual therapy, couples counseling, group therapy, and costume therapy. She holds a BA in Psychology, Art History, and French Language and Literature from George Washington University and an MA and MEd in Mental Health Counseling from Columbia University. Dr. Berasi also holds a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University.

Kateri Berasi, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Well, you just ask. Before talking with someone about their sexuality, though, ask yourself why you want to know this, and why it matters to you. If you are inquiring due to a desire to find connection or from a place of empathy or support, these are good indicators that your question is more likely to be well received and possibly helpful as opposed to harmful or hurtful.
Question

Why does my friend try spend time with me whenever he gets a chance?

Community Answer

Because that is what friends do. It does not at all mean that he's gay. And so what if he is? Gay guys need friends, too.
Question

I have a crush on this guy who sometimes flirts with me. I have a sneaking suspicion he is bisexual or asexual. How can I tell?

PreuxFox

Top Answerer

The only way to tell for sure is if he tells you. If he is flirting with you, there is a good possibility that he is attracted to you, though.

Warnings

Don't just outright ask "Are you gay?" It may sound inconsiderate.

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If he says yes, don't be judgmental. Ever.

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When getting to know him, don't just get to know him because you want to know that about him. Only do so if you care about him and want to be his friend.

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If he doesn't want it to spread, he has his reasons. Whatever you do, do not tell others unless you have permission from him to do so.

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