Trying to Figure Out if Your Date Is Trans? Here’s What You Should Consider

Questions and ideas to consider if you’re curious about your date’s gender identity

Co-authored by Dev Murphy

Last Updated: February 27, 2023 References

Being Open-Minded and Considerate

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Respecting Their Privacy

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Q&A

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Warnings

When you’re going out with somebody new, it’s normal to wonder about them—what they’re like, what they’re looking for in another person, and maybe even their gender identity. The truth is, they may be transgender, and you may not ever find out, but that doesn't have to stop you from having a good time on your date! We’ve created a guide of things to consider if you're curious about your date's gender identity—check it out, below.

Things You Should Know

Ask yourself why you need to know their gender identity, and analyze any biases you may hold toward transgender people.
Avoid asking your date if they’re trans, as this could upset or offend them. They’ll tell you when and if they’re ready to disclose their gender identity.
Realize you may not know for a long time whether your date is transgender, if ever. Try to keep an open mind, and enjoy their company in the present moment.
Remember to be respectful and courteous at all times. You don’t have to date anyone you don’t feel comfortable dating, but that doesn’t mean you can’t treat them kindly.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Being Open-Minded and Considerate

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Examine your own bias. If you're wondering if your date is trans, you might be harboring some negative stereotypes in your mind that are not based in reality. You may feel you don't want to be involved with a trans person. Keep in mind that a negative reaction to finding out your date is trans could be devastating to them as someone who already faces societal rejection and abuse. If they are trans, they’re no less of a person and they should be treated the same way.^{[1]
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- Maybe you struggle with fear over finding out your date is trans, but it's important to respect your date regardless. It may be helpful to read articles and books and listen to podcasts related to the trans experience: they may help you understand what your date is going through and how they feel.
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Be aware that there are no clear-cut physical signs that you can rely on. You'll never be able to identify a trans person through physical attributes alone. People’s bodies are incredibly diverse, and a single physical characteristic (or even multiple characteristics) won’t say much about a person one way or the other. Moreover, genital reconstructive surgery has come such a long way that many who undergo it (not all trans people do) are indistinguishable from those who haven’t.^{[2]
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Avoid asking your date if they are transgender. You’ll likely offend them either way. If the person you're talking to is trans, they may not have been ready to tell you. If they're not trans and have negative feelings towards trans people, they may feel insulted.^{[3]
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- Disclosing can be very painful and even dangerous for them. This is their information to tell, when they feel safe enough with you. In short, they aren't required to tell you, nor should they have to if they don't want to. At any rate, they will likely tell you before intimate contact is had.
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Stop worrying and relax. There are many other things to worry about that actually warrant worry, such as protecting yourself against STDs. If your date is trans, wait for them to tell you. If everything else has gone well up to this point, you can cross that bridge when you get there. What's the problem if you're in the dark just for right now?^{[4]
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- If things progress, you’ll likely find out eventually. At some point, one of two things will happen: the relationship will continue or it won't. It’s not the end of the world either way. Simply enjoy the person for right now; if it pans out, great. If it doesn't, that's okay too.
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Keep an open mind. There are many happy endings that began with a date where one person didn’t know the other person was trans: It Happened to Me: I Told My Boyfriend I Was Born a Boy and Falling in Love with a Transgender Man are two prominent examples.
- Sexuality is fluid. You may find yourself attracted to this person despite their assigned sex. That is normal and absolutely fine. Listen to your emotions and how this person makes you feel. You may find that they're such a good person it doesn't matter.^{[5]
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  - However, you can date a trans person and still be the same sexuality. It's important to remember that transgender people are their gender. They are not "men pretending to be women", "women pretending to be men", or anything else. They can have any physical characteristics, and not all have the ones of their assigned gender.

Part 2

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Respecting Their Privacy

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Realize that they're not trying to trick you. Trans people transition so that they can be their authentic selves, and it has nothing to do with you. Trans people's safety is at risk when they go out to date; they wouldn't fake being trans for fun. If a trans person wants to date you, they want you to love them for who they are.^{[6]
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- All people need to be social and receive love, and most need to experience flirtation and relationships. Would you walk up to that cutie at the bar and say, "I have serious commitment issues?" Didn't think so. They are doing absolutely nothing wrong by being present and engaging with you.
- If you don’t accept transgender people, mention it clearly without elaboration. For example, "Just so you know, I don't like trans/LGBT people. If that's a dealbreaker for you, you should walk away." This way they (and any trans allies) can walk away. Don't elaborate on your feelings; you might really hurt them.
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Know the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity. Gender identity refers to your sense of your identity as a man or woman, or as someone outside of the gender binary. Sexuality refers to your physical, emotional, and/or romantic attraction to a specific gender (or multiple genders).^{[7]
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- Think of it this way: sexual orientation involves who you want to go to bed with. Gender identity, on the other hand, involves who you go to bed as.
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Understand why a trans person might be afraid to share this information with you. Trans people often face ostracism, bullying, abuse, and even violence. It can be hard to tell a safe person from a dangerous one. Especially if they have a history of being hurt, a trans person may be very cautious about coming out to you, because they don't want to risk their life.^{[8]
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- If the world were a more understanding place, this wouldn't be an issue. They would likely be happy to share this aspect of their lives with you.
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Let them tell you on their own time. If the relationship is going to progress, you will find out. Whether they tell you verbally or you find out physically, it'll happen. And that's fine. You just have to know how it makes you feel and what you'll want to do from there. That's it. It's not gross, it's not bad. It just is.^{[9]
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- If they say, "There's something you don't know about me," or something similar, this could be a sign they’re concealing their gender identity. Comfort them, letting them know you accept them, whatever that thing is.
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Figure out how you feel. Dating a trans person isn't always a sign that anything is different about you. (For example, if you consider yourself a lesbian, and you date a trans woman, you're still a lesbian.) A trans person's gender is the one in their brain, and that's what counts when you consider your orientation. However, if you're dating someone of a different gender than what you're used to, it may mean that it's time to re-evaluate and experiment.^{[10]
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- It's possible that you may like multiple genders.
- Remember that sexuality isn't black and white. The idea that there are only men and women, straight and gay is not how human sexuality works. What's more, there is no prize you win for being straight. Updating your self-concept may be called for in this situation. And that is more than okay.

Community Q&A

Question

Can transgender men have a penis?

Community Answer

Yes, a transgender man can obtain a penis by phalloplasty and metoidioplasty. Phalloplasty consists of taking skin from the non-dominant arm, rolling it up, and then attaching it to the groin. Metoidioplasty consists of slightly detaching the enlarged clitoris and sewing the surrounding skin to it to add a bit of girth.
Question

My girlfriend claims that she is a girl and that she always has been, yet so many people call her trans, and her hair is the kind of hair that a transgender person would have. What should I think?

Community Answer

First of all, there's no such thing as a transgender type of hair. Hairstyles don't have anything to do with someone's gender identity. If you're worried, then you should just ask her about it. If she says she has always been a girl, then you should trust her and drop the subject. If she is trans, then you'll have to decide whether or not you're comfortable continuing the relationship.
Question

My girlfriend is boyish and doesn't like it when we use female pronouns to address her. Is she unknowingly trans (FtM)?

Community Answer

Maybe. They might be questioning and working this out for themselves. The best thing you can do is use whatever pronouns they prefer and be patient with them. Make sure they know you are there if they want to talk about it and offer your support, but don't push them to come to any conclusions if they are not ready.

Warnings

If your date does happen to be trans, respect their privacy, regardless of whether or not you want to go out with them on other dates. Their trans status is something very personal, and you shouldn't betray their trust, even if you end up disliking them. Some trans people, however, are open about it, but make completely sure that this is the case before you tell anyone else.^{[11]
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If dating a transgender person doesn't interest you or you simply don't want to, that’s completely OK; it's not like it's against the law not to and no one's forcing you. Simply just respect them like anyone.^{[12]
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