How to Deal with an Alcoholic Husband

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: February 23, 2021 References

It’s difficult to deal with alcoholism within a marriage. You may feel like you’ve lost the person you married and want him back, when the person in front of you is an angry stranger whom you barely recognize. Your husband may be an alcoholic if he has problems at home, work or school as a result from drinking; uses alcohol in risky situations (such as driving); has gotten hurt or hurt somebody else while using alcohol; has tried to quit but cannot effectively end his alcohol use; or makes excuses or lies about his alcohol use.^{[1]
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Research source} While it can be hard to be married to an alcoholic, there are things you can do to help support your husband and encourage him to seek treatment.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Handling Situations When He’s Drunk

1
Report any abuse. Sometimes alcoholics can become violent, as alcohol is often related to violence.^{[2]
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Research source} If your husband hits you, threatens you, or harms you in any way, find safety and report the abuse. Don’t protect your husband by keeping the abuse a secret. Tell your mother or father, sister, neighbor, friend, or spiritual mentor. Make sure you prioritize your safety. You can get help by calling a domestic abuse hotline.
- United States: Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
- UK: Call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
- Australia: Call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
- Worldwide: visit http://www.hotpeachpages.net/ for a global list of helplines and crisis centers.
2
Approach him in a non-threatening way. Use a calm tone of voice and speak to him without using harsh or derogatory words. For instance, avoid calling him “drunk” or an alcoholic in the moment. Avoid arguing with him and instead deflect the statements in a calm and assertive way.
- If he starts to become angry or wanting to fight, calmly respond that now is not a good time, and that you can talk about it later.
- Avoid arguing with him at all costs. He may become physical. Don’t respond back in anger, no matter how hard it is.
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3
Offer him non-alcoholic drinks and food. Instead of deterring him away from alcohol, steer him toward food and non-alcoholic drinks. Encourage him to eat or to hydrate with water. Distract him with these things so that he is less focused on the alcohol.
- When he asks for alcohol, deflect by offering him soda.
4
Find compromise. If he insists on having something or going somewhere, find a compromise. It isn’t worth arguing with him because he isn’t thinking clearly, yet you don’t want to escalate the agitation. Find something that will make him happy without making you unhappy.
- If he really wants to eat ice cream but you have none, offer him candy or another sweet treat.
- If he wants to go outside in the pouring rain, tell him firmly that it’s raining and perhaps he can bring an umbrella or stand under an awning.
5
Set limits. If the alcoholism is negatively affecting you, set limits with your husband.^{[3]
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Research source} Be clear that no discussions about you as a couple can happen when he drinks, and you refuse to try to solve problems while he’s under the influence.
- Tell him he cannot drink in the home or around the children. You can choose not to spend time with him when he is drinking, or that you refuse to argue when he has been drinking.
- Set limits based off of your own needs. When you set limits, communicate them with your husband and make sure he understands them.
6
Have an escape plan. If your husband is drunk, acting aggressively, and you fear for your safety, have an escape plan. Have someone you can call late at night that can offer you a safe place to stay. If you are scared to leave with the car, ask your friend or family member to pick you up at your home. Calmly let your husband know that you are seeking a safe place for the night and will return the next day.
- If your husband becomes angry, say that you can have the discussion later. Right now, you are prioritizing your safety.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Discussing Alcoholism With Your Husband

1
Be okay with feeling uncomfortable. Chances are, you’ll feel uneasy bringing up this topic and talking it over with your husband. Don’t let the fear of discomfort dissuade you from expressing what you need to say. Remember that your current situation also makes you uncomfortable.^{[4]
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- Accept that discussing your husband’s alcoholism is going to feel uncomfortable, no matter what. Be brave and take the step.
2
Choose a time to talk. Don’t try to have this conversation when he is drinking or about to drink. Instead, choose a time when both of you are sober.^{[5]
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Research source} Make time to have this discussion and not have things to rush off to afterward.
- Don’t try to talk about the alcoholism when you are angry or upset. If you become frustrated when he opens a can of beer, now is not the time to have this discussion.
- Wait until both of you are in a calm and neutral state before opening the discussion. You may need to schedule time to talk.
3
Approach him in compassion, not judgment. While it may be way easier to come from a place of judgment, anger, and disappointment, be compassionate. You are not chastising your husband, you are asking him to get help, for the betterment of himself and his family.^{[6]
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Research source} Communicate your love, concern, and support to your husband.
4
Tell him how his drinking affects you. You may feel second best to alcohol when your husband turns to drinking before turning to you. You may even feel like you cannot compete with the relationship your husband has with alcohol.^{[7]
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Research source} While your husband may support your family financially, tell him if you feel like you feel under-supported emotionally or with the family. If you feel difficulty in emotionally connected, tell him this, too.
- Be honest with your feelings and disappointments.
- Say how the drinking not only affects you, but others as well, like kids, friends, or family.^{[8]
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5
Avoid placing blame. Instead of blaming onto your husband for his drinking, state your feelings.^{[9]
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Research source} Keep statements focused on you and your feelings, not on him. Instead of saying, “Drinking makes you distant and detached” say, “It hurts me that you feel so far from me, and I miss the connection we shared.”
- Instead of saying, “You don’t spend any time with the kids” say, “I’m struggling to give the kids all the attention they need on my own and I’d like your help.”
6
Ask your husband to get treatment. Let your husband know that you love and support him, and want to see him healthy and happy. Ask him to seek treatment for his alcoholism.^{[10]
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Research source} You can say that alcoholism is difficult to treat alone, and that seeking treatment will help both him and you deal with the alcoholism. Benefits of treatment include addressing psychological problems and addiction behaviors that interfere with living a happy, fulfilling life.
- You may want to do some research ahead of time to discuss different treatment options. Call your insurance and see what treatment programs are available. Check into an individual or family therapist, inpatient, and outpatient programs so that you can discuss all options with your husband.
- You can stage a formal intervention, including friends, family, and other people that care about your husband. You can seek the support of an interventionist if need be. Be careful, however, as interventions can send your husband into anger or defensiveness.^{[11]
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7
Avoid creating an action plan right away. You may want to hear how he will stop drinking, that his harmful action will never happen again, and that he wants to change. This may all be true, but it also can be a way to escape an uncomfortable conversation. Create a plan after both of you have had time to digest the discussion and reflect.^{[12]
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- After your initial conversation, plan a time to discuss things further, once you’ve both had time to reflect on the first discussion. You can meet back up and discuss action steps to take as a couple, such as ridding the house of alcohol.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Dealing with a Husband in Denial

1
Don’t expect overnight changes. If you’re upset after trying to talk to your husband only to get nowhere, take heart. See your words, actions, and support as stepping stones to your husband acknowledging his addiction and seeking recovery.^{[13]
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Research source} However, keep in mind that you cannot control his actions and he is ultimately responsible for his decisions.
2
Stand up against his denial. It’s common for alcoholics (especially high functioning alcoholics) to have loads of excuses for their behavior suggesting that there is no problem with alcohol. Instead of trying to fight the denial with rationality, approach your husband by compassionately opening a dialog of your concerns.^{[14]
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- If he denies having a problem, gently tell him how he disrupts your (or the kids’) sleeping at night, is aggressive or mean, or any other ways that his alcoholism affects you.
3
Express that the drinking is creating distance. If your husband continues to drink even when he knows it causes you harm, tell him that is drinking is interfering with your relationship. His relationship with alcohol affects your ability to have a relationship with him. If you tell your husband clearly that the drinking creates distance in the relationship, it may impact him and you.^{[15]
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4
Have your own support network. Make sure you take care of yourself. Have people in your life you can talk to and that support you. Don’t keep your husband’s alcoholism a secret; make sure you have at least person you can talk to about your struggles. Having emotional support is important when dealing with life’s difficulties.^{[16]
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Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
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- Talk to your parents, siblings, friends, or in-laws. Don’t just focus on the alcoholism, but make sure you have people to talk to about whatever you may need to talk about.
5
Consider whether the marriage is in your best interest. If your husband refuses to get help and you have serious doubts that things will get better, you may want to consider your relationship and ask yourself if staying with him is in your best interest. If you feel like you’re married more to the alcohol than to a man, it’s time to consider your options. You may want to consider your quality of life, your safety and the safety of your children when making this decision, and ask yourself “what is my best option in which I respect myself and my family?”
- If your husband is abusive, prioritize your safety. You deserve to be treated with respect at all times, and abusers rarely stop the abuse, as the abuse can become cyclical.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Exploring Recovery

1
Avoid drinking around your husband. When you drink around your husband, it may make it much more difficult for him to quit. Avoid consuming alcohol in the presence of your husband at all costs. Instead, attend non-alcoholic social events. Request family or friend get-togethers to be sober occasions.
- You may need to change social plans or social groups a bit. Instead of going to bars or sipping on wine with friends, have more game nights or movie nights. Engage in activities that don’t typically serve alcohol.
2
Ask him to check out local support groups. Groups like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) exist to help support people struggling with alcoholism. Members stress the importance of senior members supporting the newer people to the group by providing support and mentorship. Check out http://www.aa.org to see if there is a chapter near you.
3
Go to a family support group for yourself. You more than anyone else know how hard it is to live with an alcoholic husband. It can be hard to feel like you have to keep the house and family together on your own with little or no help of your husband. It can be a relief to share your frustrations with other people who know exactly what it feels like. They can also support you and give you advice on how to cope, and how they got through the tough times.
- Al-Anon (http://al-anon.org/) is a nationally recognized support group that offers family support to those who have a family member who is an alcoholic.
4
Consider therapy together. If your husband is hesitant to get his own therapy, mention that getting therapy together would be helpful to both of you, or that you want family therapy. A therapist can help with treatment and recovery, and provide support to both you and your husband throughout the process. You can obtain a referral through your primary care physician or through your insurance provider.^{[17]
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- You may want to seek out a therapist who specializes in addiction or alcoholism. Therapy may include dealing with underlying causes of addiction, working through stressors in a more positive way, and may also include medication.
5
Ask him to check out a treatment center. A treatment center is beneficial for more intense alcoholism or when alcoholism is coupled with a psychiatric diagnosis (such as depression or anxiety) or a medical diagnosis. Programs exist through inpatient and outpatient treatment, which may vary based on your insurance coverage.^{[18]
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- Choose the level of care most appropriate for your your family and your husband. If your husband has experienced severe stress or trauma or has a psychiatric illness, a treatment center may be better suited than outpatient weekly therapy.
6
Prepare for him to relapse. Enact a plan to handle any potential relapse.^{[19]
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Research source} It’s common for someone who struggles with alcoholism to feel tempted or to relapse during recovery. Agree upon a plan with your husband and/our his treatment team to have a plan ready to go if your husband relapses.
- This may include removing him from the situation or calling his therapist or mentor.
7
Be supportive to your husband. When your husband does engage in treatment and makes growth, acknowledge each step that is taken.^{[20]
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Research source} If you see him making an effort, praise it. Find all the good things he is doing and make sure he knows that you recognize the good work he is doing.
- Celebrate even the smallest steps forward. Be your husband’s cheerleader and let him know you’re behind him all the way.