How to Divorce As Peacefully As Possible

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: January 31, 2023 References Approved

The end of a marriage can be devastating, and it’s perfectly reasonable if you’re upset during this tumultuous time. But you can and will get through this. It makes sense that you’d want to go through this divorce with your ex as calmly and amicably as possible. In this article, we’ll show you how to navigate this process with tact, respect, and care.

1

Process what you’re going through.

Deal with the emotional aspect of the breakup above all else. Divorce is a time of great emotional pain and enormous change. You may have done your utmost to save the marriage, only to have it result in a definite end. If you're finding it difficult to work through the changes and sense of emotional loss, it is vital to seek counselling from a neutral party, as this will help you deal with the loss of trust, respect and affection within the relationship. Learning coping strategies will help you to survive the pain and losses. Emotional problems you may encounter include:^{[1]
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- It may become very traumatic to accept that you have been rejected or replaced. It leaves you feeling as though you have been rejected and affects your self esteem, especially where you're the partner who has been left behind.
- Feelings of anger and resentment need to be diffused to allow you to reclaim your life as a single person again.
- A sense of emptiness when looking into the future can overwhelm you. Worries about ever sharing your life with someone again are naturally pervasive but can blur your ability to recover.
- Feeling wounded, sometimes very deeply and not wanting to open up to anyone else about any of your emotions. Your sense of trust can be shattered.

2

Connect with a good lawyer.

Reach out to a well-respected divorce lawyer to do this right. While this part of divorce proceedings may be stressful, once over this does provide some tangible benefits to the divorce process. Partners are now legally separated from their duties to be responsible for one another. Moreover, the certainty as to assets that arises from the legal process can settle the messiness that emotional attachments create. As part of coping with the legal aspects of divorce, the following considerations will help a more peaceful process for you:^{[2]
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- Know your legal rights. It is important to know your rights and how to enforce them in relation to property settlement, maintenance, and custody. Knowledge can help to keep you calmer and more at ease about what is happening to you.
- Find a lawyer you click with. Don't settle for the first one if that lawyer doesn't feel right. Sometimes the strain of divorce can be more than matched by your irritation with your lawyer's antics, so be sure you're happy with this person before agreeing to retaining them. The more aggressive and "take-all" the attitude of your lawyer, the less amicable the settlement process will be, so bear that in mind when choosing one.
- Consider a mutually lawyer-free divorce. Recognize that a bad divorce lawyer's interest lies in smoothly, calmly sucking you in to a war. Divorces are largely boilerplate; a Google of "divorce for" returns "divorce for dummies" as the first hit.
  - Unfortunately, if you have children divorce may be too complicated for the "do it yourself" approach. Good divorce lawyers are not interested in sucking you in to war. They make more money in the long term by providing fast, quality service that leaves you happy with them and willing to refer them to your friends, family and even total strangers. While reading up on how divorce works is a good idea remember that book like "divorce for dummies" are written for a national market. They are not State specific. If you and your spouse are able to reach an agreement on every single aspect of your divorce you can draw up your own paperwork using a form found on the internet but you should at least pay for an hour of an attorney's time to have them review it. This could save you time by having them point out minor mistakes that could prevent the judge from signing your decree. If you have children the situation is even more complicated as there are numerous additional requirements that the State may impose on you that a lawyer can make sure are there and done property. Paying a lawyer for an hour of their time to review your document makes more sense than spending 2 hours at the courthouse just to have the judge tell you there is a flaw in your decree and that she isn't allowed to tell you what it is because that would be giving legal advice and she can't do that.

3

Be reasonable when dividing assets.

Avoid getting bitter when you two split things up. This creates major unhappiness as each partner feels robbed and this generates arguing as to who is entitled to what. Most couples struggle to agree on who should get what. Couples ideally should focus on creating a new life, new environment with no lasting memories of the cancelled marriage. This notion will help them not to fight over items that will bring back memories and pain of the once held marriage.^{[3]
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- Have all the facts and figures in hand to assist your lawyer in building a sound financial case and to convince your spouse without arguments and assumptions being involved. Use receipts, documented evidence, and other reliable sources of information to back up your wishes. This could include writing out a complete financial history of your marriage that reflects the resources you have, estimated value of shared property, individual assets, and liabilities. While this may sound calculating, it is no more than being factual and facts are your best approach in keeping emotions down.
- Give your spouse the option of what to take from the house. You may be extremely surprised at how little discussion is required to divide a household when you free up the taking. For many couples, it becomes clear that there always were "his and mine" or "hers and mine" divisions in the house and it is only when arguing that these evident divisions are used as weapons to wound one another. Take away that chance by simply offering your spouse the opportunity to take what they please. Their own sense of responsibility and guilt will do some of the sorting for you!
- Toss a coin for items you have each paid half for. It will even out in the end. Are your belongings so worth the angst otherwise?

4

Approach family discussions calmly.

It’s easy to get heated when children are involved, so stay cool. Who has custody, how can visiting rights of the access parent be arranged, and how can parenting responsibilities be shared between two parties are all important issues that need to be resolved. It is not healthy for the children when parents use them as weapons against each other. Children are not protected from the conflict and bitterness that rages between angry parents. Put the children first and avoid creating situations whereby children become emotionally trapped by their loyalty to both parents.^{[4]
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- Watch out for transference of emotional abuse from an abusive parent onto the children. Neither do this yourself nor allow the other spouse to do it. Signs include "You'd choose to live with me if you loved me." That is classic manipulation and when done to children, it is unkind and places the children in a bind they can't win whatever they say or choose.
- Use a consultant or mediator to assist with determining custody arrangements if you don't feel you're able to do this yourself. If the custody arrangements have to be agreed to by a court, or you end up in court anyway, a court that can see the parents already trying hard will be impressed by the teamwork and consideration given to the children's needs first of all.
- Be prepared to trial a few systems before settling on the one that works for both of you. You can't possibly know what will work out best until you've given different arrangements a chance. Take into account the children's impressions too.
- For the greatest peaceful transition, both of you should be prepared to share the major decisions about the welfare of children and to continue to interact with one another in relation to the children's lives.

5

Prepare for some adjustments.

It’s okay to be nervous at first, but change can be good! Most often divorcing couples have to leave a community of friends and colleagues to join another. Shared friends from the former marriage often need to choose whose "side" they are on. Deal with losses in a mature way, knowing that some of these friendships, like the marriage were never meant to be. This can be a huge loss for many people who had valued the relationships formed and a sense of belonging that they once shared. However, being realistic about the relationships can help smooth the path for you.
- Avoid expecting your friends to take sides. If you don't speak ill of your ex-spouse, they have less ground to do so either. If you reassure them that the divorce was amicable and that the two of you are still friends, sometimes this may ease the tension with friends (provided what you say is true). Equally, don't bring up your spouse at all; this breaks the connection for both you and your friends and allows everyone to move on.
- For more ideas about how your friends see the situation, read How to be a good friend to both parties in a divorce.

6

See the upside in being single.

Learn to regain your sense of you as an individual. This part is marked by seeing yourself as an individual again rather than being a part of an intimate couple. The intense reactions of denial, anger, bargaining and grief need to replaced with feelings of acceptance.^{[5]
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- Give yourself time. Initially you will probably feel fragmented, vulnerable, broken, low in self-esteem, and various other emotions depending on your gender, whether you initiated the divorce or not, and what has happened through the course of the divorce. For some, there may be an absolute sense of relief! Whatever the feelings, coming to terms with your new life requires time and the formation of new routines and habits.
- In order to keep your own inner peace, avoid self-blame. Relationships require two people and the consent and involvement of both. If you try to blame yourself for what has happened, then you will feel guilty, angry, and helpless. Blame is a useless emotion and when it is related to the end of a marriage, it simply causes you harm. Accept that the marriage has ended and that there are new things to do in life now, including finding a new sense of purpose.
- Take up yoga, meditation, or a martial art to give you the chance to develop your inner focus and as a source of relieving stress.

7

Get away from any toxicity.

If an element of the divorce is problematic, just keep your distance. Move on to rediscover your own individuality. This is referred to as the central separation, the stage when the person starts to feel whole again. At this stage, you need to have clearly defined rules in your head about any further interaction with your spouse, in order to continue maintaining the peace. Some of these rules could include (they're up to you):^{[6]
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- Treating future interactions in a professional, business-like manner. You still need to talk for the sake of the children? Act like you're in a business meeting at work, with the well-being of the children being the business at hand.
- End any conversation with your ex-spouse that turns into a shouting match or where you're constantly interrupted. Explain that you'll talk again when everyone has calmed down. Make it clear in future meetings that should your spouse interrupt or explode, you will end that meeting too.
- Never use children to relay information to your ex-spouse. Use emails or the post for this. Avoid texts; they're too personal, intimate, and too connected.
- Depersonalize all of your communications. Keep your points simple (it can help to write down points of discussion first) and keep everything neutral.
- Cut the ties. Don't talk to your ex-spouse for advice, help, expertise, or anything of the sort unless you have no choice in a work context. Find new places for advice, such as your accountant, doctor, lawyer, paid home handy-helpers, or someone else in your spouse's profession or line of work.
- If you need more money for the children, work it out as a business proposal with your ex-spouse and do not beg, cry, manipulate, or show yourself as a victim.

Expert Q&A

Question

What do you say when leaving a marriage?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Try using the sandwich method! Start with a comment like "We've had a really nice run in our marriage," followed by "I think at this point, it's time for us to separate." Complete the "sandwich" with a comment like "We may have to deal with certain issues as we separate, but let's make an agreement to kind to one another and make this process as simple as possible."
Question

Can I get divorced without a lawyer?

Community Answer

Yes. There are do it yourself kits assuming you both agree to everything and no children are involved.
Question

How can I become more positive about my divorce?

Community Answer

Give yourself time to grieve over the loss of your marriage and partner. Being on your own will give you a chance to get in touch with who you really are, and allow you to pursue new independent interests, even reinvent yourself. Redefine the characteristics that you're looking for in a relationship. Check online groups such as Meetup.com for events in your area, and pursue meeting new people. This is an emotionally turbulent time, but also exciting, allowing you the opportunity to make changes in your life as you open a new chapter.

Warnings

If you feel suicidal during a divorce, get help immediately. This is a hard time but it's never worth killing yourself over.

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If communications become deadlocked during a divorce, things can go from a desire to be reasonable and amicable to being downright nasty and pigheaded. It is easy to get caught up in this negative spiral as a result of your own negative emotions. Do your best to step aside from the nasty tactics though. One way to help might be to employ a mediator, especially in relation to dividing finances and property. This neutral person can remove much of the emotion, exhaustion, and anger and can move between the two of you without taking sides.

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