How to Get a Man to Leave His Wife

Co-authored by wikiHow Staff

Last Updated: January 9, 2023 References

Making the Ask

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Persuading Him

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Focusing on Your Future

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Video

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Tips

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Warnings

Dating a married man is hard, especially if you fall in love with him. You probably hope that your man will leave his wife for you, even though it’s unlikely that will happen. If you believe you and your man are meant to be, talk to him about how you feel and what you want. Then, give him reasons why you’re a better choice for him. However, it’s also important that you focus on your future so that you’re able to live your best life.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Making the Ask

1
Tell him what you expect from your relationship. Every relationship has miscommunications, so it’s important to tell him what you want. He might think you’re okay with your casual relationship or with having a fling. Tell him you expect him to commit to you and want him to leave his wife.^{[1]
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- Say, “You told me you were unhappy with your wife, so I always thought we’d get together. I want you to leave her for me.”
2
Set a timeline for him to leave and be with you. Your man has probably told you that he’s planning to leave eventually but needs time. This is common, and most men don’t actually leave. This isn't fair to you, and you deserve better. Giving him a timeline makes him understand that you won’t be strung along. He may not leave, but you’ll avoid wasting time on him.^{[2]
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- You might say, “I want you to start divorce proceedings in the next 2 months. Otherwise, I don’t think we can be together.”
3
Limit your communication after you tell him your expectations. You need to show him that you’re serious about your timeline. As long as he’s with her, don’t give him your full attention. Either stop accepting his calls and messages or take a long time to respond.^{[3]
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- For instance, don’t immediately respond to his texts. Take several hours or days to get back to him.
- Don’t answer his calls. Instead, call him back when it’s convenient for you.
Tip: Keep your communications short and to the point. You want him to get the impression that you’re not fully invested in him as long as he’s with her.
4
Don’t try to confront his wife or family about your relationship. While you might feel like he’d leave her faster if you tell her about your affair, this is unlikely to work. In fact, it might make him mad and more supportive of his family. Be very careful about who you tell, and try not to be the one to hurt her.^{[4]
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- Tell him that you want him to tell her the truth, then wait for him to make his choice. He may not tell her the truth. If this is the case, you’ll know that he’s dishonest.
5
Put your relationship on hold if he doesn't leave her. Since few men actually leave their wives, there's a good chance that he's not going to leave her. This can be a really painful experience, and the best way to handle it is to take a step back from the relationship. If you continue seeing him, he has no incentive to leave her. Instead, tell him that you can't be with someone who won't commit to you and that you're not going to continue the relationship until he leaves.^{[5]
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- Say, "What you're doing isn't fair to me. I deserve someone who's fully committed to me, so I need to take a break from this. I'll consider getting back together when you leave her."

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Persuading Him

1
Remind him of the problems he has with his wife. If he’s seeing you, he likely has issues in his relationship. Bringing up these problems may help him realize that he needs to leave her. Ask him if things have changed to help him remember his issues. Here are some common marital problems:^{[6]
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- Disagreements over spending
- Not feeling appreciated
- Feeling like they’re not “enough” for their partner
- They don’t have anything in common anymore
- Lack of sex
- Needs not being met
2
Show him you have more in common with him than his wife does. One of the most common reasons for a relationship to end is no longer having things in common. Point out your common goals, interests, and habits so he sees you’re a good match for him. Additionally, spend your dates doing things you both enjoy so he feels good while he’s with you.^{[7]
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- For example, invite him to go to a game if you share a favorite sports team, talk to him about what you see in your future if you have common goals, or ask him to do a shared hobby.
- Don’t lie to try to get him to like you more. Otherwise, he’ll eventually realize that you’ve been lying to him and will get upset.
3
Talk to him about his relationship needs and try to meet them. He may be cheating on his wife because he feels like she’s not meeting his needs. Ask him what he wants from a relationship, then offer that to him if it’s something you also want. This might entice him to pick you.^{[8]
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- As an example, let’s say he wants to feel appreciated. You might say, “I always tell you how much you mean to me and thank you for what you do for me. I’ll always do that for you.”
- Similarly, he might say he needs someone who supports his goals and doesn't criticize him. You might say, “Remember how I supported your decision to change careers? I’ll always support you.”
4
Introduce him to people who share child custody, if applicable. If he has children with his wife, he’s likely afraid of losing them in a divorce. Additionally, he may fear that they’ll be mad at him for leaving. It may help your chances if you can show him that he doesn’t have to lose his kids. Ask friends who share child custody to talk to him about their experience.^{[9]
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- Try to be understanding about his fears. His children are a very important part of his life and likely mean the world to him. He needs to be able to have a healthy relationship with them.
5
Don’t try to manipulate him with lies because it’ll backfire. If you feel like you and your man are meant to be, you might feel justified in lying to get him to choose you. However, it’s not healthy to build a relationship on lies, and he’ll eventually figure out what’s going on. Give him the choice to be with you or not. You deserve to be with a man who chooses your freely.^{[10]
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- For example, don’t tell him you’re pregnant or tell him you saw his wife cheating on him.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Focusing on Your Future

1
Stop having sex with him so he’s forced to make a decision. While it’s okay to give your man the benefit of the doubt, many men cheat on their wives just for sex. If you’re having sex with him, he has both his family and you. This isn’t fair to you or them, so don’t continue to sleep with him unless he fully commits to you.^{[11]
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- Tell him, “I still want to be with you, but I can’t keep being the other woman. I’m not going to sleep with you again until you commit to me.”
2
Limit how much time you spend with him so he feels your absence. It’ll likely be hard for you to distance yourself from him, but it’s for the best. It shows him that you’re serious about wanting him to leave his wife. Additionally, it gives you space to make yourself happy. Stop making plans with him and avoid being with him alone.^{[12]
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- You might say, “I’d love to go out to dinner, but you know that’s not an option for me. You’re still with her, so I have to protect myself.”
Tip: Don't spend this time sitting alone at home. Ask your friends to go out and have fun, go on a date with someone else, or pursue a solo hobby that you enjoy. If you're having fun, it'll hurt less to distance yourself from him.
3
Avoid comparing yourself to his wife because it’ll only hurt you. It might be hard to understand why he keeps going back to her, and you might wonder what she has that you don’t. However, there are many reasons why he’s staying with her, and they don’t have anything to do with you. When you find yourself thinking about her, turn your focus to your best qualities and what you love about yourself. Then, list the things in your life that are going well.^{[13]
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- You could tell yourself, “I love my eyes, how creative I am, and how much I care about animals.”
- You might be grateful for your family, your pets, and your great job.
4
Focus on building your future instead of worrying about him. When you’re dating a married man, it’s easy to get caught in limbo. You want him to start a future with you, but this might not work out. While you don’t have to give up hope, set goals for the future and start taking steps toward them. This will help you have a great life, even if it’s not meant to be with your man.^{[14]
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- For example, you might set a goal to get your master’s degree. You could start by enrolling in college.
5
Pursue your goals and interests outside this relationship. You deserve to be happy now, so don’t put your life on hold while you’re waiting for him to leave. Continue to enjoy your favorite things, and spend time with the other people in your life. This will help you focus on your happiness while you’re going through this relationship stress.^{[15]
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- For example, take a painting class with your friends, go to wine tastings, or join a recreational sports team.
6
Consider dating other men until he agrees to be exclusive. Since he is still with his wife, your relationship isn’t exclusive. That means you have no reason to be faithful to him. Dating other men can help you decide if this is what you really want, and it may help you meet someone who’s better for you. Sign up for a dating app or try to make a love connection with the people you meet.^{[16]
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- While you might feel like this guy is perfect for you, it’s possible there’s an even better guy out there waiting for you. Don’t commit to this married man if he’s not willing to commit to you.
7
Break up with your man if he's not going to commit to you. Walking away from someone you love is really hard, but it can be what's best for you. If he only sees you as an affair, you'll never have the type of relationship you want. Have a talk with your man and tell him that it's over. Then, block his phone number and social media accounts so you can move on.^{[17]
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- You might say, "I really thought that this relationship could be something special. However, things just aren't working out. I need to be with a man who will fully commit to me, so I'm ending this relationship."
Warning: There's a good chance that your man will reach out to you after the breakup to get back together. He'll likely make promises that he's changed. Think carefully before believing him if he's not left his wife.

Warnings

If he’s been cheating with you, it’s possible that he’ll cheat on you, as well.

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When he leaves his wife, she and his children will be deeply hurt. While it may be the best decision for all of you, it’s important to remember that the divorce is going to be very hard.

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