This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 11 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 711,492 times.
Infidelity is difficult to handle. If you found out your girlfriend is cheating, you're likely finding it difficult to trust her again and move forward. In order to cope, you need to evaluate if the relationship is worth saving, communicate openly with your girlfriend about expectations going forward, and seek emotional support both from friends and professional therapists.
Steps
Evaluating the Situation
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1Ask yourself certain questions. After you've been cheated on, the first step is evaluating the relationship and determining whether or not it's worth it to you to stay. You need to ask yourself certain questions to make this decision. Be as honest as possible with yourself.
- Has your girlfriend cheated in the past? For some, cheating is a compulsive behavior that happens again and again. If the problem is less rooted in this specific relationship and more grounded in a problem your girlfriend has with fidelity that is not personal, the cheating may be easier to accept and get past.[1]
- Why did your girlfriend cheat? While some might say cheating is cheating, end of story, the fact is the reasons behind infidelity mean a lot. A one night, purely physical slip up may be far easier to forgive than a longterm affair in which your girlfriend became emotionally attached to someone else. Try to put yourself in your girlfriend's shoes and question how you would have felt in her position.[2]
- What was the state of your relationship when the cheating occurred? If the relationship was in a rough patch, and you knew your girlfriend was unhappy, cheating may be easier to understand. Were you two taking each other for granted? Did she need emotional needs filled outside the relationship? If so, can these problems be fixed or should you both sever ties and move on?[3]
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2Learn about sexual compulsivity. Educating yourself on the factors that encourage cheating can make understanding and forgiving your girlfriend easier. If your girlfriend has cheated on other partners, learn about sexual compulsion and its causes.
- Compulsive sexual behavior is a term applied to a wide variety of sexuality activity that falls outside societal norms including some forms of infidelity. Infidelity is usually only considered a compulsive sexual behavior if it is a pattern of behavior that a person engaged in without thought and at great personal risk.[4]
- If your girlfriend has cheated on partners in the past, she may be doing so compulsively. Once you've had time to calm down, ask your girlfriend whether she feels she has any control over her sexual impulses and if she gets any pleasure out of her sexual experiences. If the answer is no, she may have a disorder that requires psychiatric treatment.[5]
- Remember, not all cheating is compulsive. It's important not to automatically define infidelity as a disorder. If your girlfriend cheated because of an issue in your relationship, or if she is polyamorous and is not interested in a monogamous relationship, accusing her of having a disorder can come off as insensitive. She might feel like you're being judgmental and ignoring other, more relevant issues that caused her to cheat.
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3Reach out to others. It can be difficult to sort through the emotional impact of cheating on your own. Reach out to friends and family members to help talk through and better understand your feelings.
- Talk to friends and family members you trust, who you know will refrain from judgment. Tell them about what occurred and ask for emotional support. People may offer advice, but politely tell them you're merely trying to figure out your own feelings and do not need instructions on how to proceed.[6]
- Do not be vindictive. It's okay to reach out to others, but do not tell your girlfriend's mother, best friend, or co-worker about your relationship issues. Pick people you had an existing relationship with before you got together with your girlfriend.[7]
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4Consider an open relationship. Some people are polyamorous. This means they struggle to stay with a single partner and may want someone open to seeking sex and romance outside a single relationship. If your girlfriend falls into this category, consider whether or not you could handle an open relationship.
- Polyamorous and open relationships come in many forms. Some people merely seek out sexual relationships outside of their boyfriend or girlfriend while others may want to have multiple sexual and romantic partners at the same time. Decide what form of an open relationship, if any, you are comfortable with before pursuing one.[8]
- Communication is key to a successful open relationship. In the poly community, a lot of emphasis is put on discussing boundaries, respect, and expectations. If you want to try to open things up, make sure you and your girlfriend have many long talks about what an open relationship means for the two of you.[9]
- Remember, there is nothing wrong with not wanting an open relationship. When it comes to monogamy, there is no wrong way to feel. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of an open relationship, pursuing one can be damaging to you. If you and your girlfriend have different ideas about monogamy, this may be a sign you're not compatible longterm.
Interacting with Your Girlfriend
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1Give each other space. If you've just found out your girlfriend is cheating, you are probably very emotional. Give each other some space in wake of the revelation so you both have some alone time to think.
- Your impulse may be to keep your girlfriend close by to make sure she does not cheat again. However, it's difficult to work through your emotions about a relationship when you're seeing your girlfriend every day.[10]
- Use this time to reflect on what you want. What are you absolutely not willing to give up in a romantic relationship? Where would you be willing to change? Figure out your own wants and needs so you can address these the next time you see your girlfriend.
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2Have an open, honest talk. You need to discuss what happened with your girlfriend. Whether you decide to work things out or not, an open and honest talk is important for closure.
- Listen when your girlfriend talks, even if it's hard. Use verbal and non-verbal cues to show her you're paying attention. Keep eye contact, lean forward, nod and occasionally make a comment when there is a pause. Avoid noise barriers, such as choosing a loud coffee shop to converse. This can make effective communication difficult.[11]
- Asking meaningful questions. What issues cause conflict between you and your girlfriend? What causes disappointment, pain? What kinds of things made you happy and helped you feel connected? How would you like communication to be different between you and your girlfriend?[12]
- Be respectful. This will be a painful discussion for both of you and you need to converse in a civil, productive manner. Speak politely. Begin sentences with "I" instead of "you" to avoid sounding accusatory. Take turns speaking and try not to dwell on a topic for too long. If you've been discussing one issue for more than 15 minutes, it might be time to move on and revisit that topic later.[13]
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3Prepare to change yourself, if necessary. Depending on why your girlfriend cheated, there might be issues regarding your relationship that need work. While this does not mean infidelity was your fault, it does mean if you're interested in salvaging things you might need to make adjustments on your end.
- You need to understand why your girlfriend cheated. Even it may be painful to confront, there might have been something wrong with the relationship itself. You and your girlfriend need to find certain shared goals for your relationship, and this might mean you always have to change the way you do things.[14]
- Change takes time. You have to realize, even if you're willing to make certain changes, things will feel different at first and it takes time and commitment to heal a damaged relationship.[15]
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4Make a decision about the relationship's future. Ultimately, you need to decide whether or not you can forgive the cheating and move on.
- Sometimes, needs or desires are mutually exclusive and cheating is often driven by this fact. If your girlfriend has different sexual desires or a different sexual appetite, the two of you may simply not be compatible. If you firmly believe in monogamy and your girlfriend wants an open relationship, it is also probably time to move on.[16]
- Boredom is another factor that leads to relationships ending. Discovering new things about your partner is vital to a long lasting relationship, but if you've both stopped growing during the course of your romance it's a sign things are simply not working anymore. Lack of continued interest and personal growth are both signs a relationship does not have a future.[17]
- Conversely, if you and your girlfriend are able to find a place where you both feel happy and comfortable, without compromising anyone's vital needs, you may be able to continue the relationship. However, move forward knowing that tension and lack of trust will be major issues after infidelity. It will take a long time for things to feel normal again.
Moving Forward
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1Get tested for STDs. It's important for both you and your girlfriend to be tested for sexually transmitted infections after your girlfriend cheats.
- People who engage in infidelity are often careless about engaging in safe sex. It's important to go to your doctor's office of a testing clinic to get a full STD screening.
- Ask your girlfriend to get tested as well. It's important you both have a clean bill of sexual health before you resume sexual activity, especially if you are not using condoms or other forms of barrier protection.
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2See a therapist. See a therapist together as a couple if you want the relationship to continue after infidelity.
- A therapist can help a couple work through difficult issues together. Having hard discussions in the presence of a trained therapist can help both you and your partner feel like your needs are being addressed in a calm, respectful manner. You can also discuss any questions you had about the cheating that you felt uncomfortable discussing with your girlfriend one on one.[18]
- If your girlfriend is hesitant to see a therapist, see one yourself. Even without her presence, you can still work through some issues on your end.[19]
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3Build a new relationship. After cheating, the relationship will not be the same. Both you and your girlfriend need to work on forming a new relationship together.
- Infidelity will underlie every argument for awhile, and you need to be able to consciously work to move past any bitterness you may feel. Obsessing over an affair is toxic to a healthy relationship. A therapist or counselor can help you get out of the trap of constantly thinking about your girlfriend's infidelity.[20]
- Try to see things from a positive perspective. While the early innocence and trust is gone, you and your girlfriend have survived a major setback and are still functioning as a couple. This shows your relationship is strong and now you have the opportunity to build a new, healthier relationship.[21]
References
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-heal-from-infidelity/
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-heal-from-infidelity/
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-heal-from-infidelity/
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/compulsive-sexual-behavior/basics/definition/con-20020126
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/compulsive-sexual-behavior/basics/symptoms/con-20020126
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-heal-from-infidelity/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201407/dealing-your-partners-infidelity-6-dos-and-donts
- ↑ http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/new-sexual-revolution-polyamory/
- ↑ http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/new-sexual-revolution-polyamory/
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424?pg=2
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
- ↑ http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/healing-infidelity-and-depression
- ↑ hhttp://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424?pg=2
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424?pg=2
- ↑ http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthyliving/fivesigns.htm
- ↑ http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthyliving/fivesigns.htm
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424?pg=2
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424?pg=2
- ↑ https://www.psychologies.co.uk/node/2814
- ↑ https://www.psychologies.co.uk/node/2814
About This Article
Finding out that your girlfriend has been cheating on you can be incredibly difficult. But if it happens to you, try to stay calm. If you can, spend a little time apart before you confront your girlfriend about what happened. That way, your conversation will be less likely to turn into an angry argument. While you’re apart, take some time to reflect on how you’re feeling and where you want to go from here. For instance, are you ready to end the relationship, or do you want to try to make it work? If you’re interested in working things out, think about what will have to change in order for your relationship to recover. For instance, you might decide that you need your girlfriend to give you a sincere apology, or that you need to set some relationship ground rules together to help prevent something like this from happening again. Once you’re ready to talk to your girlfriend, sit down somewhere private where you won’t be distracted or interrupted. Let her know how you feel about what happened, but try to focus on your own feelings instead of pointing fingers or making personal attacks. For instance, say something like, “I feel so hurt by what happened between you and Jeremy. I love you and I want to make things work, but it’s going to be hard for me to trust you after this.” It’s also okay to tell her you don’t want to continue the relationship. For example, you could say, “I don’t think our relationship can really recover from this, it’s just too painful. I think it’s time to go our separate ways.” Whatever you decide, try to look at what happened as an opportunity to learn and grow. For instance, think about red flags you might have missed that you can look out for in future relationships, or things that you could have done to improve communication between you and your girlfriend. Whether you decide to stay together or not, counseling can help you move on with your life and learn how to deal with your feelings in a healthy way. Consider seeing a relationship specialist either by yourself or as a couple. You can also take care of yourself while recovering from the affair by spending time with supportive friends and family or working on hobbies and projects that are important to you. Since infidelity in a relationship can put you at risk of catching sexually transmitted diseases, make sure to visit your doctor to get tested, and let your girlfriend know if you test positive. Ask her to get tested too, especially if you plan to continue having a relationship with her. For more tips, including how to get tested for STDs after your girlfriend’s infidelity, read on!
