What to Do & Say When Your Partner Has Erectile Dysfunction

Experts offer the best ways to communicate with your partner and find solutions

Co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: March 10, 2023 References

It's not a big deal if your partner has trouble getting or keeping an erection once in a while—it happens to most men at some point. However, if it starts happening frequently, he might be suffering from erectile dysfunction, or ED. ED can be caused by underlying health issues, so it's definitely something your partner needs to talk to his doctor about, but you might be wondering how you can help, too. Luckily, we're here to answer your most important questions, from what causes ED to how you can work around it.

Things You Should Know

Encourage your partner to talk openly about how he’s feeling. Many men are embarrassed by erectile dysfunction, and safe communication can help.
Bring up the topic in a matter-of-fact way outside of the bedroom and reassure him that you’re here to help.
Consider medication or other medical treatments to improve your partner’s condition. Remember, his ED is not your fault.

Question 1 of 9:

How can I support a partner with erectile dysfunction?

Encourage him to talk openly with you about what he's feeling. It's really common for men to feel embarrassed or ashamed if they're struggling with ED. It will likely help him a lot if you let him know that he can talk to you about whatever he's going through. Even if he isn't ready to talk about it, assure him that you're there to help him work through the problem.^{[1]
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Harvard Medical School
Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
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- It might also help if you have a conversation about what you both like during sex. That can help you feel closer as a couple, which can help take some of the pressure off when you are intimate.^{[2]
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- It's also helpful if you offer to go with him to the doctor—not only will it will help you have a good idea of what to expect from treatment, but the support might make him feel more comfortable with making the appointment.^{[3]
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  Harvard Medical School
  Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
  Go to source}

Question 2 of 9:

How can I talk to my partner about erectile dysfunction?

Try bringing up the subject outside of the bedroom. It might seem tough at first, but try to approach the subject in an empathetic but matter-of-fact way. Be reassuring that you're willing to work with them to find a solution, and bring up the subject of talking to the doctor.^{[4]
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- For instance, you might go for a walk together, then say something like, "I know you don't like to talk about it, but I hope you know it's normal for men to sometimes have trouble with sex. I can tell it bothers you—would you like me to go with you to your doctor to ask about it? I care a lot about your health, and I'd love to see you feeling more confident again."
- Having the conversation when you're not being intimate can help take some of the emotion out of things. If you mention it in the bedroom, your partner might be more likely to get defensive or embarrassed.

Question 3 of 9:

Can erectile dysfunction ruin a relationship?

It doesn't have to, as long as you communicate well. Chances are, you'll notice some impacts on your relationship—if a man can't have sex, it can really affect his self-confidence. He might also feel embarrassed or frustrated. That might cause him to pull away from you, fearing that if he attempts to have sex, he'll fail at it.^{[5]
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Research source} However, it's a hurdle that many couples are able to overcome, as long as they're open with each other and patient with the treatment options.
- If your partner pulls away, it's normal for you to feel lonely or frustrated. If these feelings persist, it might help you to talk to a therapist.^{[6]
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- Keep in mind that it sometimes takes a while for ED treatments to work. Reassure your partner that you're willing to keep trying until you find what works for him.

Question 4 of 9:

Is my partner's erectile dysfunction my fault?

No, erectile dysfunction isn't anybody's fault. If your partner has ED, it's normal to think that you might be the cause—you might think you must not be attractive enough or that he's not interested in you anymore. You might even think he's having an affair. Luckily, the problem usually doesn't have anything to do with this, so don't blame yourself. Instead, focus on how the two of you can overcome the problem together.^{[7]
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- Sometimes, relationship problems can contribute to ED. That doesn't mean it's your fault at all! However, if you're arguing a lot, the two of you should strongly consider couple's counseling so you can go back to feeling intimate and affectionate towards each other.^{[8]
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Question 5 of 9:

How does a man with erectile dysfunction feel?

Many men feel embarrassed and frustrated about ED. Virility is often an important part of a man's self-image, so being unable to get or keep an erection can be a deep hit to his confidence. Your partner might also feel nervous about trying to have sex again, so be patient if you feel like he's starting to pull away.^{[9]
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- Your support will be essential in helping him maintain his confidence throughout this process. However, don't be surprised if he is resistant to your reassurances, especially if the problem persists over time. Just try to remain understanding, and remind him that treatment can take time to work.^{[10]
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Question 6 of 9:

How do I arouse a man with erectile dysfunction?

Spend plenty of time on foreplay, and don't focus on penetration. If your partner is nervous about being able to maintain his erection long enough to have sex, he might try to rush through foreplay. However, that can make the problem worse, since neither of you will be quite as aroused. Make foreplay into a game—talk about what both of you like, then spend more time doing that!^{[11]
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- Try kissing, cuddling, touching, stroking, and teasing—those are all great ways to help both of you get and stay aroused. Let him know it's okay for both of you to climax doing those things.^{[12]
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- If you can have a few successful sessions that aren't about penetrative sex, it might help your partner regain some of his confidence.
- If your partner is able to get an erection but tends to lose it during sex, consider using a penis ring to trap the blood inside the penis. When he's semi-erect, put it around the base of his penis and around his testicles. Then, take it off when you're finished having sex.

Question 7 of 9:

What are the causes of erectile dysfunction?

1
Narrowed blood vessels are often to blame for ED. If blood can't get into the penis, an erection can't form. Similarly, reduced blood flow can mean that the penis can't trap enough blood to maintain an erection if one does form. Conditions like high blood pressure, high cholesterol, arteriosclerosis, and long-term smoking can cause the blood vessels to narrow.^{[13]
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American Academy of Family Physicians
Organization devoted to improving the health of patients, families, and communities
Go to source} Other medical causes of ED might include:
- Nerve-related issues due to diabetes, stroke, spinal cord injury, or heavy alcohol or drug use.
- Low testosterone or other hormone-related issues
- Certain drugs or cancer treatments^{[14]
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2
Situational issues can be a factor, as well. Sometimes, there's not a specific medical issue to blame for ED. For instance, a man might have a hard time getting an erection if he's nervous or stressed, or if he's had too much to drink.^{[15]
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- Other emotional causes of ED might include depression, anxiety, relationship problems, or being insecure about their sexual performance.^{[16]
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- Sometimes, frequently masturbating to pornography can lead to performance issues in the bedroom, because real sex isn't always as stimulating as porn. It might help if your guy takes a break from porn for a while—have an honest conversation with him if you think that's the problem.^{[17]
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Question 8 of 9:

Should my partner see a doctor for ED?

Yes, your partner should get a full medical workup to rule out underlying problems. He might feel apprehensive about bringing this up to his doctor, but taking the first step can be as simple as saying, "Hey Doc, I've been having trouble having sex." From there, his doctor will decide which tests are appropriate to figure out what's causing the problems.^{[18]
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Research source} Some of those tests might include:^{[19]
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Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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- A physical exam of your partner's penis and testicles.
- Blood or urine tests to check for signs of diabetes, hormonal imbalances, high cholesterol, or high blood pressure.
- An ultrasound examination to check for blood flow problems inside the penis.
- A psychological screening for depression, anxiety, or other problems that might be contributing to ED.

Question 9 of 9:

What are some ways to treat erectile dysfunction?

1
Regular exercise and losing weight can sometimes help. If your partner is just starting to struggle with the symptoms of ED, making healthy lifestyle changes might make a difference. Also, if he's a smoker, encourage him to quit, as smoking can be a factor.^{[20]
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Harvard Medical School
Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
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- If you think emotional or relationship issues might be to blame, consider couple's or individual therapy. If he's suffering from depression or anxiety, a combination of therapy and medication might be appropriate.
- Talk to your partner and his doctor about treatment options if you think heavy drinking or drug use could be contributing to his ED.
2
Doctors commonly prescribe oral medication for ED. There are several types of prescription medications available for ED, but they all work in the same general way. They help relax the muscles of the penis, making it easier to get an erection during sex. However, they typically won't cause an erection on their own—your partner will still need to become aroused, so these medications aren't as effective if the cause of ED is something like stress or anxiety.^{[21]
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Harvard Medical School
Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
Go to source}
- Common ED medications include sildenafil (Viagra), vardenafil (Levitra), avanafil (Stendra), and tadalafil (Cialis).
- These medications may not be safe if you take certain medications, like nitrates for chest pain, or if you have heart disease, heart failure, or low blood pressure. Talk to your doctor about these and any other health concerns.
- Avoid herbal treatments for ED unless your doctor recommends them—these aren't regulated by the FDA and can sometimes lead to dangerous side effects.
3
Ask about injections, suppositories, and medical devices. If your partner doesn't respond to oral medications (or if he isn't a good candidate for them), his doctor may recommend alternative treatments. For instance, some ED medications are administered via a tiny needle at the base of the penis. He might also need to insert a small suppository into his urethra. Other treatments might include:
- Penis pumps^{[22]
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  MedlinePlus
  Collection of medical information sourced from the US National Library of Medicine
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- Inflatable or bendable penile implants^{[23]
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  Cleveland Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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- Testosterone therapy if the cause is hormonal^{[24]
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  Harvard Medical School
  Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
  Go to source}

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I help my boyfriend with erectile dysfunction?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

Make sure it isn't just a one-time occurrence. Start by talking about it; this can be difficult, but better to be open. Take the pressure off by just cuddling and touching and doing some sensory exercises with no pressure for genital-to-genital contact.