How to Know Whether You're Insensitive

Last Updated: February 7, 2023 References

Insensitivity can harm your ability to engage with others and can lead to social isolation and loneliness. As it's difficult to judge yourself objectively, it can be hard to gauge whether or not you're insensitive. However, paying close attention to your own emotional reactions and how others engage with you can help. You should also consider whether you may have certain psychiatric disorders that can affect your ability to empathize.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Evaluating Your Behavior

1
Ask yourself, "Do I really care?" One of the main traits of insensitive people is a lack of empathy. While empathy exists in varying degrees, and some people are simply more sensitive than others, having very little empathy can make you come off as cold or uncaring.
- There are two types of empathy: cognitive empathy and emotional empathy. Cognitive empathy involves the ability to logically understand someone else's perspective by seeing things from their point of view. You may not have a strong emotional reaction to another person's perspective, but you will at least understand it to a degree. Emotional empathy involves being able to pick up on the emotions of others. If someone gets bad news, for example, you will feel sad.^{[1]
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- Consider whether you possess either type of empathy. Do you try to understand another person's point of view when they're explaining something to you? Do you make a conscious effort to ask questions, understand information, and listen? When another person is sad or frustrated, do you experience the same emotions? Can you easily pick up on how a person is feeling? If a friend or co-worker looked upset, would you feel compelled to ask them what's wrong?^{[2]
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- Oftentimes, insensitive people are simply not tuned in to the needs and emotions of others. Consider how often you actively try to understand the perspective of the other person. If you spend the bulk of your time thinking about yourself, you may be insensitive.
2
Monitor how people respond to you. People tend to be put off by insensitive people. You can often tell if you're insensitive by observing how others tend to respond to you.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Rebecca Kason, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.}
- When you're in a social situation, do people initiate conversation with you? If you're the one usually starting a conversation, people might be wary to talk to you because of the way you're coming off. Do people want to remain engaged in conversation with you or do people tend to make excuses to leave?
- Do people tend to laugh at your jokes? Oftentimes, insensitive people make jokes that come off the wrong way to others. If people do not laugh, or only offer quiet and somewhat uncomfortable laughter, you may be insensitive.
- Do people seek you out when they're in need? If you're an insensitive person, others might be wary to ask for your help and open up to you about their problems. If you're consistently the last person in a group to hear about, say, a friend's divorce or a family member's job loss, it may be because you consistently say the wrong things in these situations. This is a sign of insensitivity.
- Has anyone ever outright told you you're insensitive? While it might seem obvious, many people disregard such criticisms as the result of the hypersensitivity of others. However, if someone's made the point to call you out on your behavior, or if multiple people have, you may be insensitive.
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3
Consider how you behave. Insensitive behaviors vary from person to person. However, certain identifiable behaviors are generally considered rude. You may be an insensitive person if you've ever engaged in any of the following:
- Talking about a topic that bores others or that others do not understand. For example, going on about the details of your PhD if you know others in the room have no understanding of the subject you took your PhD in.^{[4]
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- Sharing opinions at inappropriate times, such as complaining loudly about the obesity epidemic in front of a co-worker you know is struggling with their weight or body image.^{[5]
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- Bringing up topics inappropriate for your audience, such as telling stories about recreational drug use in front of your significant other's parents.^{[6]
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- Getting annoyed if someone does not understand a topic you're explaining.^{[7]
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- Passing judgments on others for their mistakes or circumstances without considering their background or personal struggles.^{[8]
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- Being rude and demanding to staff at restaurants.^{[9]
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- Being too blunt or critical of others. For example, if you dislike an item of clothing on someone you might say, "You look fat in that" rather than avoiding commenting altogether or offering more tactful advice, like, "I think a different color would flatter your features more."^{[10]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Learning Self-Awareness and Empathy

1
Practice reading other people's emotions. You may struggle to identify the physical cues that are signs of different emotions, but all humans are born with this ability.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Rebecca Kason, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.} Just like any other skill, if you take the time to practice reading people's emotions, you will get better at it.^{[12]
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- Observe people in a crowded place (like a mall, nightclub, or park) and try to identify how they're feeling. Try using context, body language, and expressions to figure out who is feeling shy, stressed, excited, and so on.^{[13]
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- Read up on body language, especially facial expressions, and how it corresponds to different emotions. Sadness, for instance, is characterized by drooping eyelids, a slight pulling down of the lip corners, and a raised inner brow.^{[14]
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- Put on a soap opera and try to identify the emotions the actors are portraying. Use context clues, facial expressions, and body language. Mute the television so you can't get clues from the dialogue. Once you feel you've got it down, move on to more subtle dramas in which the actors use nuanced expressions to convey emotion.^{[15]
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2
Learn to show concern. You may come off as insensitive because showing emotion makes you feel uncomfortable and awkward. Instead of saying something that might sound stilted or insincere when you see someone is upset, you remain quiet.^{[16]
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Expert Source

Rebecca Kason, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.} Accept that it might sound forced when you offer condolences to your friend, "I'm so sorry to hear that...", but know that it will become more natural if you push through and keep trying.^{[17]
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3
Understand the necessity of emotions. To you, sadness may seem pointless, illogical, and self-indulgent. You may wonder why the person doesn't just think through the issue and figure out how to make it better. But emotions are an essential part of decision making, as is logic. Emotions can motivate you to change your life, as emotional discomfort is often an impetus to get out of a rut.^{[18]
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- Emotions are essential to making connections with other people and making healthy social interactions. ^{[19]
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- Remember that emotions are simply part of being human. Even if you don't understand them or think they're pointless, be aware that most people don't feel that way.^{[20]
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- Sometimes it's okay to fake it. You may not understand why someone is upset or overjoyed, but playing along a little bit is sometimes the most sensitive thing you can do. You may not personally feel any joy that your coworker is going to be an aunt, but it shouldn't cost you much to congratulate her and smile.^{[21]
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4
Become aware of your own emotions. Feelings may cause you discomfort or confusion, or you may have been taught to hide and suppress your emotions, or maybe you only listen to the logical side of your brain. For whatever reason, you may have cut yourself off from your own feelings, which can make it difficult to feel empathy.^{[22]
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- If you are suppressing your emotions to cope with trauma or you are prone to anxiety attacks, you may need a counselor or therapist to help you work through those feelings.^{[23]
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- Begin asking yourself, "How am I feeling right now?" throughout the day. Stopping and checking in with yourself can help you begin to identify feelings as they come up.^{[24]
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- Identify any devices you use to avoid your emotions, such as: distracting yourself with video games or watching television, focusing only on work, drinking or using other substances, over-intellectualizing the situation, or making jokes about it.^{[25]
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- Allow yourself to feel the emotion. When you're in a safe, private place, don't suppress your feelings. Allow the emotion to come and try to observe how your body reacts. Making note of these physical changes (like that your eyebrows furrow and your lips narrow when you feel angry) can help you identify the emotions when the reoccur – both in yourself and in other people.^{[26]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Considering Psychological Causes

1
Learn the symptoms of narcissism. Narcissistic personality disorder is a psychiatric disorder in which people have an unrealistic sense of self importance and tend to lack empathy. Narcissistic personality disorder is relatively rare with prevalence ranging from 0% to 6.2% in community samples.^{[27]
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American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. 5th ed. American Psychiatric Publishing: Washington, D.C.} Of those diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, 50-75% are male.^{[28]
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American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. 5th ed. American Psychiatric Publishing: Washington, D.C.}
- The symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder include a large sense of self importance, the need for recognition or admiration, the need to exaggerate achievements or talents, being envious of others or believing others envy you, and expecting special favors from those around you. People with narcissistic personality disorder tend to think of the world solely in terms of themselves and their own needs.^{[29]
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  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
- Basic criticism or setbacks can cause major episodes of depression in those suffering narcissistic personality disorder. This is, in fact, often what first prompts those suffering from the disorder to seek help. However, you do not have to wait that long. If you're worried you may show symptoms of narcissism, make an appointment with a therapist.^{[30]
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  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
2
Consider autism. Autistic people often have difficulty understanding social cues and figuring out how to respond. They tend to be straightforward and honest, which can accidentally come off as insensitive.
- You may be autistic if you care deeply about others' feelings, and hate to see them get upset, but are called insensitive. The "insensitivity" in many autistic people is called by cluelessness, being overwhelmed, and misunderstanding, not by lack of caring.^{[31]
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- Other autism symptoms include strong emotions, stimming (unusual fidgeting), dislike of eye contact, sluggishness, passionate special interests, need for routine,^{[33]
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- While autism is often identified in childhood, it is possible for symptoms to be looked over or hidden, and some people are not diagnosed until teen or adult years. Talk to a therapist if you think you have symptoms of autism.^{[35]
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3
Read about various personality disorders. Many personality disorders cause insensitivity to others. Personality disorders are a group of mental illnesses that cause long-term behavioral and thinking patterns that are unhealthy. While nearly all personality disorders can cause some degree of insensitivity, the following are most often associated with a lack of empathy:^{[36]
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- Antisocial personality disorder, which involves an inability to distinguish right from wrong, hostility, aggression, violence, a lack of longterm relationships, unnecessary risk taking behavior, and a sense of superiority.^{[37]
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  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
- Borderline personality disorder, which involves difficulty regulating emotions or thoughts, frequently engaging in impulsive and reckless behaviors, and an inability to maintain stable relationships longterm.^{[38]
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  National Institute of Mental Health
  Informational website from U.S. government focused on the understanding and treatment of mental illness.
  Go to source}
- Schizoid and schizotypal personality disorders are defined by a lack of social relations, delusional thought patterns, and excessive social anxiety.^{[39]
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  National Institute of Mental Health
  Informational website from U.S. government focused on the understanding and treatment of mental illness.
  Go to source}
4
See a therapist, if necessary. If you feel you may be suffering from any of the above disorders, talk over your concerns with a professional therapist or psychiatrist. While many online questionnaires can tell you if you display symptoms of certain disorders, only a professional can diagnose your properly. You can find a therapist by going through your insurance to see what clinics and doctors are covered under you plan. You can also ask for a referral from your regular physician. If you're a college student, your school might provide free counseling.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I know if I lack empathy?

Rebecca Kason, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Rebecca Kason is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist licensed in both New York and New Jersey. She specializes in adolescent mental health, dialectical behavior therapy, and cognitive-behavioral therapy. Dr. Kason treats clients struggling with emotional dysregulation, behavioral disorders, interpersonal difficulty, family conflict, anxiety, depression, and phobias. She holds a Bachelor's degree in Psychology from The University of Delaware and a Master's degree in Applied Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University. Dr. Kason completed an APA accredited internship at Mount Sinai Services. She is a member of the American Psychological Association and Association for Behavior and Cognitive Therapy.

Rebecca Kason, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Do you consider how your words and actions affect others before expressing/doing them? If your answer is no, then yes, maybe you lack empathy. If you want to change, try looking inward to analyze the meaning behind that behavior and confront it.

Warnings

If you believe you may have a psychological disorder, do a lot of research before attempting to self-diagnose. It is best to talk to a doctor to get an official diagnosis, rather than figuring it out yourself. Never attempt to self-medicate.

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