How to Leave a Cheating Husband You Love

Co-authored by Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC and Madeleine Flamiano

Last Updated: December 12, 2021 References

Hearing that your husband cheated on you is devastating, and deciding to leave him takes a lot of emotional courage. Now, you’re finally ready to part ways with the man you love. We’ll share how to care for your psychological health, communicate with your husband about your choice, and make actionable plans to start fresh. Read on for some tips to take care of your heart and empower yourself during your new journey.

1

Surround yourself with support.

Spend time with people who boost your confidence and celebrate your choice to move on. It’s best to be around those who are focused on your future and how to help you, like friends who understand your decision to leave your husband. Join a support group to learn from those who also made a tough transition and separated from their spouses. To prioritize your mental health, schedule time with a therapist and speak about the impact of your husband’s infidelity.^{[1]
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- The more time you invest in people other than your husband, the more you’ll form new bonds. You’ll build a network that will be there for you for the new stage of your life.

2

Try out new activities on your own.

Create different routines to start another chapter and picture being single. Imagine what your day-to-day schedule would be like without your husband. Making some plans with just you in mind can help you adjust to a separation or divorce. Remind yourself that you are smart and fully capable. Start to fill up more of your hours with activities, from regular ones like grocery shopping to social ones like get-togethers. Go by yourself and tap into your inner peace. You’ll be able to take your mind off of him the more you find ways to stay busy.^{[2]
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- Take up new hobbies you can do by yourself or a group of friends. Having fun lets you imagine a fulfilling new life.
- Eat healthy and exercise to keep your energy up and feel good in your body. It’s easier to enjoy yourself and stay positive when you’re nourishing yourself.

3

Make a list of your boundaries.

Write down what you will and won’t accept to stay firm about why you’re leaving.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.} Being clear about your boundaries will help you stand up for yourself and encourage you to walk away when you aren’t being treated fairly. If you crave love, encouragement, and respect from a partner, put that in your list. Reflect on what you think crosses the line, such as dishonesty. Finish your list and then read it. Open your heart to your own standards and hold your head up high, knowing they’ll steer you in the right direction.^{[4]
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- You can create two separate lists. Write up one that outlines the boundaries your husband crossed, then make another that focuses on positive treatment you appreciate in your life.
- Take out the list of crossed boundaries when you need to focus on why you’re leaving. If you want a pick-me-up or a morale boost, read the list of how you do want to be treated.

4

Tune into your feelings.

Identify emotions as they come up to help you cope with his infidelity. Cutting ties from a spouse isn’t easy, and it’s natural to cycle through all kinds of moods just in one day. If you love your husband and can’t decide whether to stay or to leave, sit in a quiet place, take a deep breath, place your hand over your heart, and try to connect a word to any feeling stirring inside you. Are you heartbroken? Confused? Tired? If a lot of negative phrases pop up, they’re good cues that leaving is the best call for you.^{[5]
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- This practice might be a lot of emotional labor, so take care of yourself! Make some tea, put on some calming music, or light your favorite candle.
- You can journal the feelings you notice and talk to a therapist or counselor about them in a future session.

5

Make a safety plan.

Coordinate with everyone you can to protect yourself. If you’re concerned for your safety, go to a public place or to someone you trust. If you have kids, phone a friend or family member to pick you all up. Stay in touch with allies and keep them posted about your decisions and where you’ll be. Make sure to keep details to just yourself and confidantes.^{[6]
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- Visit The Domestic Abuse Hotline for more information about how to safely leave your spouse.
- If your husband has been violent in the past, buy a new phone, leave, and keep your new location private. If you don’t have any money, call 800-799-SAFE (7233). Hotline volunteers will help you move to a local shelter for free. They’ll even help with transportation.^{[7]
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  US Office on Women's Health
  U.S. government agency providing resources for women's health
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- Yelling is also a sign that your spouse may escalate situations. If he raises his voice a lot during arguments, stay with a friend instead of talking with him. You’ll be at a much safer distance.

6

Decide where you’ll go.

Arrange your accommodations in advance so you know exactly where you’ll settle in. Before leaving, consider where you’ll stay. Do you plan to remain in the home you shared together, or do you prefer a whole new setting? It’ll be easier and a lot less stressful to immediately adapt to your new life when you’ve decided on the best environment for you.^{[8]
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- If you want to stay in your home, make sure to advocate for keeping it in your divorce proceedings. Be clear about where your husband is going, too.
- Make a budget if you need to leave home. If you’re staying with friends, calculate how much you need for groceries. If you’re going to a hotel or renting a room, plan out all your living expenses.

7

Calmly break the news to him.

Communicate that you’re moving on so he knows your decision is final.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.} When you walk out the door or file for a divorce, remember that you already thought a lot about this. You weighed the pros and cons, then decided that the healthiest move for you was to leave. Tell him your choice if you can walk away from the conversation when you’re done and if you believe he will listen. If you have kids, bring this topic up when they’re with friends or family. You can rehearse or plan the talk ahead of time. Talk to him when you feel as centered and grounded as possible.^{[10]
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- "There's a letter on the bed stand that explains why I’m leaving. I have twenty minutes to talk.”
- "I’ve gone to a lot of counseling, and now, I’m finally ready to separate. My friend is picking me up soon, but you can email me if you have any thoughts you want to share.”
- "I’m texting you my thought process so you’ll understand my decision.”

8

Let him be responsible for his reactions.

Allowing him to process his feelings on his own lets you prioritize your psychological health. If you do tell him you don’t want to stay together, he can behave in all sorts of ways. Since you’re moving on, stay connected to your own emotions. Remember that you’re finding closure and healing.^{[11]
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- If you want, you can advise that he seek out therapy or a support group. If you still love him, you’ll still care about his emotional health. There are professionals who can walk him through the next stage of his life.

9

Seek mediation.

Let a mediator settle disputes to remove the emotional burden of seeing your husband. Anyone who is specially trained to handle separations and divorce can be a mediator. They can often work out problems or disputes as an alternative to spending a lot of money on court cases. The more you allow your mediator to communicate messages, the less often you’ll have to directly talk to your spouse.^{[12]
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American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
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- You can find a mediator by contacting your local court or bar association. Ask if anyone on the mediation panel is available to help you.^{[13]
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- Make it a habit to contact your mediator before calling your husband. This will help you gain closure. Soon, it will feel more natural to rely on others for support.
- Consulting a mediator is also an investment in your emotional and physical health. Both spouses and kids have reported long-term satisfaction and happiness when a professional handles conflicts.

10

Protect your and your kids’ needs.

Help yourselves adjust by creating a new, healthier family dynamic. It’s actually easier for kids to handle a separation or a divorce than it is for them to live in a home where there’s tension between parents. If you leave your husband when you’ve decided your marriage isn’t productive anymore, you and your kids will start the process of adapting to the new change.^{[14]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- Make sure your kids have a strong support system, too. Encourage them to spend time with friends.
- If you can, schedule therapy appointments for your children so they can talk about the new changes in their lives.

11

Look for patterns in your relationships.

Identify red flags in your marriage so you can steer clear of them when connecting with new people.^{[15]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.} When you take a step back and have time to yourself to reflect, you can unpack your marriage. You might identify parts of it you don’t want for future relationships. For instance, maybe you learned that you made every compromise. Now, you can seek out people who are flexible and cooperate with you. You can also make peace with all the hopes you had. Take heart in the fact that you can still build the life you want. You already are, day by day.^{[16]
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- Consider your marriage as an opportunity to discover more about yourself. Even if you had to leave, you're bringing important lessons wherever you're going next.
- Think about some habits your husband had. Did he always hide his phone? Maybe you want relationships with a lot of transparency.
- Build some new skills that improve your mental health and confidence. If you felt you had to tiptoe around conversations, look for spaces where people are excited to hear about your perspective.

12

Ask yourself what you need.

Advocating for yourself helps you design a new, more balanced life. Right now, your first priority should be to find healing. Step away from a bad situation and toward peace. Connect every emotion you have with a solution. Do you feel betrayed? Tell yourself that you need honesty and integrity. Is there chaos and uncertainty in your home? Make a pact to yourself to seek out a calm environment and reassurance.^{[17]
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- Notice who meets your needs because they know you well or because you’ve explained what feels best for you. Continuing to spend time with these people is a way to show empathy to yourself.

13

Remember you deserve more.

Focus on your own values and relationship goals. When you leave, look forward to the new people you’ll meet and the exciting experiences out there for you. Imagine connecting with those who cherish commitments and who you are, whether they’re friends or possible partners.^{[18]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- Join some clubs or organizations full of generous, positive people. Soup kitchens, PTA meetings, or self-development classes are all great places to meet someone kind and supportive.
- Go back to social outings that made you happy when you were single. For example, if you were really in love with dancing or hiking, but it was hard to carve time out for that during your marriage, jump back in. You could encounter someone with your same passions.
- Take some time building friendships. You can get to know people at your own pace and decide if they really enhance your life.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you tell your cheating husband that it's over?

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC

Relationship Counselor

Expert Answer

Explain that you have to stand up for your own personal values, and that you can't be in a relationship where someone is cheating.
Question

Can you still love someone who cheated on you?

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC

Relationship Counselor

Expert Answer

It's absolutely possible to love someone who cheated on you! Still, it's important to put your own well-being above your feelings for your cheating partner.