How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair

Co-authored by Elvina Lui, MFT and Megaera Lorenz, PhD

Last Updated: October 21, 2021 References Approved

If you've had an affair, it can take a devastating toll on your spouse's trust in you. An affair doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage, however. With patience, persistence, and hard work, you may be able to help your spouse learn to trust you again. Start by owning up to what you've done and apologizing sincerely to your spouse. From there, you'll have to work hard on being open, honest, and reliable. Seek therapy to help heal the damage to your marriage and work through the underlying causes of the affair.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Dealing with the Immediate Aftermath

1
End the affair immediately and completely. As soon as your spouse discovers the affair (or, preferably, beforehand), end your relationship with the other party. Let the other person know in clear terms that the relationship is over, and cut off all contact with them if possible. Let your spouse know that you have ended the affair or tell them that you plan to do so immediately.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- Ideally, you should decide to end the affair and tell your spouse what happened before they discover the affair on their own. Waiting for your spouse to catch you cheating and confront you about it may make it harder to repair the damage.
2
Take full responsibility for your actions. Don't try to lie, fudge the truth, or justify your actions. Explain to your spouse what happened briefly but clearly, and acknowledge that you are responsible for the choices you made.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- For example, you might say, “I've been having an affair with my friend Susan for the past 6 months. I lied to you and said that I was staying out late for work meetings, but I was really meeting up with her every week after work.”
- Don't blame your spouse or the other party in the affair for what happened. You might have felt like you had good reasons for having an affair, but it's important to recognize that you have control over your own actions.
Advertisement
3
Apologize sincerely to your spouse. As soon as you've confessed to the affair, offer a sincere and straightforward apology for your actions. Don't qualify with your apology with excuses or justifications, and don't make the apology conditional (e.g., “I'm sorry. If you'll just forgive me, I promise I'll never do it again!”). Simply say that you are sorry for what you've done.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- For example, you could say, “I'm so sorry about what I did, and I feel terrible about hurting you and damaging our relationship like this. I just want you to know that I love you and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to try to rebuild our marriage.”
- Don't add qualifications that excuse your actions or place any blame on your partner. For example, avoid saying things like, “I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have done it if you made an effort to spend more time with me.”
- You will probably need to apologize many times for what happened. Even if this is frustrating, resist the urge to say things like, “Oh come on, I already apologized!”
Tip: A sincere apology should start with “I'm sorry I . . .” rather than “I'm sorry you . . .” or “I'm sorry, but . . .”
4
Listen to what your spouse has to say. Your spouse will probably have a lot to say about what happened, and you may find it difficult to hear. However, it's important that you let them have their say. Listen calmly and patiently, without interrupting or trying to defend your actions.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- Let your spouse know that you are listening by making eye contact, nodding, and using verbal cues, like “Right,” or “Uh huh.”
- Try rephrasing what they say to you to show that you are listening and make sure you are understanding them correctly. For example, “So, it sounds like you're angry at me for cheating on you, but also mad at yourself for not figuring out what was happening right away.”
5
Acknowledge and validate your spouse's feelings about the affair. Your spouse may feel angry, sad, scared, disgusted, confused, or even guilty about what happened. Even if their reaction upsets you or seems excessive to you, acknowledge their feelings without trying to judge, dismiss, or minimize them.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- For example, you could say, “I can see that you're really angry with me right now. I understand.”
- Don't say things like, “I know this is upsetting, but just try to calm down,” or “Come on, I just kissed him a few times. Stop making such a big deal out of it.”
- You will probably also have complicated feelings about what happened, and that's okay. Allow yourself to feel angry, sad, frustrated, guilty, or upset without judging yourself. However, recognize that your spouse is probably not in a good place to help you work through your own feelings right now.
6
Answer any questions openly and honestly. After learning about your affair, your spouse will likely have questions. You may find these questions painful or excessive, but answer them as completely and honestly as you can. Be prepared to answer the same question many times—repeated questioning is a common and normal reaction to a major betrayal of trust like an affair.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- Your spouse may ask you about the details of what happened—where, when, why, and how often. They might also ask you questions about how you feel about them (e.g., “Do you love me?” “Do you think he's more attractive than me?”) or grill you about whether you've had other affairs or been dishonest about other things.
- Answer their questions completely, but don't feel the need to go into excessive detail. For example, you could say, “Yes, we had sex several times,” but don't feel the need to divulge any more details unless they ask.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Moving Forward After the Affair

1
Give your spouse time to deal with what happened. Recovering from an affair can take time, and everyone processes grief at their own pace. Don't push your spouse to move on or forgive you before they are ready. Be patient with them as they work through their feelings and begin to regain their trust in you.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- It's important to acknowledge that some marriages never fully recover from an affair. Your spouse may be unable to forgive you or trust you again.
2
Ask how you can make amends. Talk to your spouse about what you can do to help make things better between you. While making amends won't fix what happened, it's a good way to demonstrate your goodwill and let your spouse know that you are serious about repairing the marriage.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- For example, you might say, “I know I'm not always good at doing my part around the house. How about if I take care of the laundry and the dishes from now on?”
3
Be transparent and accountable with your spouse. In order for your spouse to regain their trust in you, you'll need to demonstrate that you are trustworthy. Let them know what you are doing when, where, and with whom. Honestly answer any questions they might have, and try to anticipate their concerns by volunteering information before they ask.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- Your spouse may want to look at your emails, your phone records, and your private messages. Even if this feels like an invasion of your privacy, allowing your spouse to have access to these things will help rebuild your credibility after an affair.
- Let your spouse know immediately if you have any contact with the person you had the affair with. For example, you could say, “I saw Cassandra today at the coffee shop. She said 'hi' and I acknowledged her, but we didn't chat.”
4
Keep your behavior consistent and reliable. If you say you are going to do something (or not do something), make sure you follow through. If you're unable to keep your promise or meet your obligations for whatever reason, let your spouse know right away and offer an explanation.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- For example, if you say you are going to be home at a certain time every night, make sure to be there. If something holds you up, contact your spouse immediately and explain what's going on. For example, “I'm trying to get home, but my car broke down. I'll show you the invoice from the roadside assistance company as soon as I get back.”
5
Work with your spouse to set boundaries and ground rules. Have a conversation with your spouse about what they expect from you and how you can be accountable going forward. Work with them to develop a list of things that you can do to help them feel more secure in the relationship, and check in with them occasionally to make sure you are meeting their needs.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- For example, you and your spouse might agree to check in with each other over the phone at a certain time every day.
6
Do your best to address their fears and concerns. Your spouse may struggle with a lot of insecurities after the affair. If they bring up any worries or concerns, try to offer your sincere assurances and take concrete actions to put their fears at ease. Don't minimize or dismiss their concerns, even if they seem silly or excessive to you.
- For example, your spouse may worry that your affair exposed them to a sexually transmitted infection. Even if you think this is unlikely, offer to get yourself tested and go over the results with them.
7
Allow yourself to be vulnerable with your spouse. Your partner will have an easier time trusting you if you lower your defensive walls and let them see who you really are. Be open with them about your thoughts, fears, hopes, strengths, and weaknesses. Being more open with your spouse will help deepen your relationship and make it easier for you to meet each other's emotional needs.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- Don't confuse being vulnerable with being weak—it actually takes a lot of strength and courage to really open up to another person!

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Getting Professional Help

1
See a marriage counselor if your spouse is willing to go. While you and your spouse can do a lot to rebuild trust on your own, seeing a marriage counselor can be invaluable when you are trying to recover from an affair. Do an online search for marriage counselors in your area, or ask your doctor to recommend one.^{[13]
X
Research source}
- Your counselor can help the two of you work through your feelings in a healthy and productive way. They can also help you figure out any underlying issues that may have contributed to the affair in the first place.
2
Attend counseling by yourself to work on your own issues. Whether or not your spouse is willing to attend therapy with you, you might benefit from going on your own.^{[14]
X
Research source} A good therapist can help you manage any feelings of guilt, sadness, or frustration after an affair, and they might also help you address the issues that led to the affair. Ask your doctor to recommend a therapist, or do an online search for one near you.
- Your spouse may also benefit from seeing a therapist on their own. Don't push them to do so if they don't want to, however. This is a decision they need to make for themselves.
Tip: Finding a therapist who's a good fit for you can take time. You might need to work with a few different counselors before you find one who meets your needs and meshes well with your personality.
3
Join a support group for couples with relationship issues. A relationship support group can help you and your spouse feel less alone. A group can also help you gain new insights and perspectives from other couples facing similar struggles. Do a search for support groups in your area, or ask your doctor or counselor to recommend one.
- Some support groups are peer-led, while others are run by a professional host or mediator, such as a psychologist or a licensed clinical social worker.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you help your spouse heal after betrayal?

Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.

Elvina Lui, MFT

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Be patient and show that you are sorry. In their pain, your partner may switch frequently between being angry, sad, or disaffected. They have been hurt, but you have the power to help them heal faster through love and patience. Stay gentle and supportive so the healing process can begin.