How to Rebuild Trust

Co-authored by Amy Wong

Last Updated: January 19, 2021 References Approved

Maybe your spouse cheated on you, your best friend stabbed you in the back, or your co-worker took credit for your idea. On the other hand, maybe you lied to your sweetheart, stole the guy or girl your friend had an eye on, or failed to help a coworker or classmate on a crucial project. Trust between two people means that they can be vulnerable with each other.^{[1]
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Research source
Rousseau, D. M., Sitkin, S. B., Burt, R. S., & Camerer, C. (1998). Not so different after all: A cross-discipline view of trust. Academy of management review, 23(3), 393-404.} Maintaining trust is very important to having satisfying relationships.^{[2]
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Research source
Simpson, J. A. (2007). Psychological foundations of trust. Current directions in psychological science, 16(5), 264-268.} Losing trust is a two-way street, and so is rebuilding it. Both parties must want to work at rebuilding lost trust. Here's what you need to do from both angles.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Taking Responsibility for Your Actions

1
Come clean. If you are the one who betrayed someone else, you need to come clean. In interpersonal relationships, it's especially important to tell the truth when you would benefit from a lie.^{[3]
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Research source
Simpson, J. A. (2007). Psychological foundations of trust. Current directions in psychological science, 16(5), 264-268.} If you have betrayed someone, coming clean at your own expense tells the other person that their well-being is more important than your own.^{[4]
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Research source
Simpson, J. A. (2007). Psychological foundations of trust. Current directions in psychological science, 16(5), 264-268.} Denial will only make the other party's distrust run deeper, especially if the truth is already clear.
- Admit all of your mistakes. Even if there are parts that you can keep hidden without getting caught, you should still reveal them to the other person. Only in admitting all your mistakes can you be forgiven for all of them.
2
Expect an emotional reaction from the other person, especially if what you did was very bad. Admitting that you betrayed someone is not going to make things easier immediately. On the contrary, you can expect an emotional outburst—yelling, crying, and so on—from the other person when they hear you admit your betrayal. Remember, the best way to move on is by putting it all into the open.
- Instead of trying to manage their reaction, try just staying with them while they let it out.
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3
Don't make it worse by trying to avoid consequences. Attempts to downplay or cover up the situation are likely to upset the other person even more. Remember that you can't control the other person's reaction, but you can control how straightforward and empathetic you are.
- Waiting too long: Waiting a long time to come clean can upset them, since in addition to doing something wrong you chose to hide it from them. Tell the truth as soon as you can.
- Minimizing: Saying things like "it's not a big deal" or "you just misunderstood" will only upset the other person more, because they'll think you don't care about their feelings.
- Excuses: Saying things like "I shouldn't have done that, but you have to understand..." will make it seem like you aren't taking your offense seriously. You can offer an explanation, but don't use it to pretend it wasn't your fault. Don't try to justify your actions.^{[5]
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  Research source
  Greene, J. O., & Burleson, B. R. (Eds.). (2003). Handbook of communication and social interaction skills. Psychology Press.}
Tip: Use the word "and" instead of "but" if you want to offer an explanation. For example, instead of saying "it was wrong, but I was just so mad at you," you can say "it was wrong, and I was so mad I wasn't thinking clearly."
4
Apologize. This one should be obvious, but unfortunately, sometimes it gets overlooked. How you approach saying your apology will influence whether or not the apology is accepted and you both can move on.^{[6]
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Research source
Greene, J. O., & Burleson, B. R. (Eds.). (2003). Handbook of communication and social interaction skills. Psychology Press.}
- The best way to accept responsibility is by recognizing the other person's hurt, saying what you should have done instead, and doing that behavior in the future.^{[7]
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  Research source
  Greene, J. O., & Burleson, B. R. (Eds.). (2003). Handbook of communication and social interaction skills. Psychology Press.}
- Let the person you betrayed know why you are apologizing. If they know that you are apologizing out of guilt and shame, they are more likely to forgive you. If they think that you are apologizing out of pity, they are less likely to forgive you. Pity, unlike guilt and shame, does not show an element of personal responsibility of the offender. Pity also implies that the offender is superior to the offended.^{[8]
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  Research source
  Hareli, S. & Eisikovits, Z. (2006). The role of communicating social emotions accompanying apologies in forgiveness. Motivation and Emotion, 30, 189-197.}
5
Forgive yourself. When you violate someone's trust, you may feel so regretful that you have a hard time forgiving yourself for the violation. While a repentant heart is an essential part of making up with the person you betrayed, you also need to accept and learn to forgive yourself after you put the effort into making amends.
- Remember that no one is perfect. Whether your error in judgment was minor or major, it goes to show that you are only human. Accept your failure, and try to push forward into the future.
- By clinging to thoughts of past failure, you risk devaluing yourself. Once you begin to have such thoughts, it could zap your motivation for self-improvement.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Moving Forward If You Betrayed Someone

1
Make your life transparent for the other person. Everybody wants to control personal information.^{[9]
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Research source
Petronio, S. (2013). Brief status report on communication privacy management theory. Journal of Family Communication, 13(1), 6-14.} But, for a little while, you may need to forfeit a portion of your privacy for the sake of the person trying to trust you again. By making your life transparent, the other person will be able to confirm with their own eyes that you are not in the midst of another betrayal.
- This is especially important in romantic relationships broken apart by infidelity. Give your significant other complete, uncensored access to your texts, phone logs, emails, and appointment book for a few weeks to months after your betrayal. Let them know where you are and who you are with whenever possible.
2
Let the other person vent.^{[10]
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Research source} Hard feelings are natural after any betrayal. The person who feels betrayed will need to vent their emotions and thoughts to heal. It might be unpleasant for you, but it is essential for the other person.
- Instead of trying to control their emotions, focus on validating their feelings and staying with them while they're upset.
- Let the other person vent at their own pace. Everyone goes about things in a different way and in a different time period. Rushing the other person shows a lack of consideration.
3
Keep your word going forward. Actions speak louder than words. Trust between two people means that you have to be dependable and consistent over a long period of time.^{[11]
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Research source
Simpson, J. A. (2007). Psychological foundations of trust. Current directions in psychological science, 16(5), 264-268.} You should make a promise to do better, but a promise or apology alone with only restore trust short-term.^{[12]
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Research source
Schweitzer, M. E., Hershey, J. C., & Bradlow, E. T. (2006). Promises and lies: Restoring violated trust. Organizational behavior and human decision processes, 101(1), 1-19.} If you can't be honest in the future, or cannot do all that you promise to do, the person you betrayed will be unable to accept that you have changed or that you are worthy of being trusted again.
- You should avoid making the same mistake at all costs.
4
Stay patient. Understand that rebuilding trust takes time. Be patient with the other person, but be persistent in your own efforts.
- Depending on the severity of your betrayal, building trust can take weeks, months, or years.
- Never pressure the other person into showing you more trust.
- Understand that things may never be quite the same after your betrayal, but if you show that you are a trustworthy person, some level of trust can usually be revived.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Getting Ready to Trust Someone Again

1
Assess the situation. Before you can rebuild trust in someone after they betrayed you, you should first ask yourself if the relationship is one you want to salvage. Ask yourself:
- Is this the first time this person betrayed me?
- Will I really be able to trust this person again, even if they do everything perfectly from now on?
- Am I able to forgive?
- Is the relationship I have with this person important enough to fight for?
- Is this a one-time mistake or a pattern of behavior?
2
Consider the person's reaction to the situation. Do they seem genuinely sorry for hurting you, or sorry that they got caught? Are they willing to listen to you and make an effort to do better next time? Are they willing to accept blame?
- If they don't seem to truly regret hurting you, or aren't interested in making things better, then this relationship probably isn't worth your time.
3
Keep an eye out for continued deception. Continue to assess the situation as you progress. After a few weeks to months, you should be able to notice signs of trustworthiness in the person who betrayed you. Trying to determine whether someone is lying is tricky business, but the following clues might signal deception:^{[13]
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Research source
Knapp, M., Hall, J., & Horgan, T. (2013). Nonverbal communication in human interaction. Cengage Learning.}
- People who are lying take longer to respond, and say less when they do.
- A liar tells more far-fetched stories and use fewer details. They are also less direct, have more pauses, and use fewer gestures.
- Liars are less likely than those telling the truth to correct themselves.
- People who lie are more tense. This make their voices sound higher, and they are more likely to fidget.
4
Express your feelings. Let the person who betrayed you know just how deeply you were hurt by their actions. Most importantly, tell your betrayer exactly what it was that hurt you. Tell them what you need so that you will start trusting that person again.
5
Notice whether the person changes their behavior. People can change if they want to. If the person begins acting differently than they used to, this may be a sign that they learned from their mistake. If the person shows consistent signs that they've changed for the better, it may be that they're trustworthy now.

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Moving Forward if Someone Betrayed You

1
Try to let go of your anger. Once you let out your anger, let it go. After you have discussed the betrayal, you need to let it stay in the past. Even if you feel sad or angry now, you won't feel this way forever. Don't bring it up in future arguments, especially if the other person has shown an effort to make amends for the action.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Amy Wong
Communication Coach
Expert Interview. 30 April 2020.}
- If you still notice that you are holding onto your negative feelings, think about why you are having trouble letting go. Is it because your partner is still behaving in a way that betrays your trust? Or is it because of your personal issues related to your own past history?
2
Let go of a toxic relationship. If the person refuses to take your feelings seriously or change their behavior, then it may be a sign that the relationship isn't healthy. If the person shows a pattern of continued disregard for your feelings, even after you have tried asking them to stop hurting you, then it may be best to limit or cut off contact with them.
- Apologies are only meaningful if the person tries to change their behavior. For example, if your mom yells at you and calls you names, apologizes, and then does it again next week, then her apology wasn't worth anything.
- Take abuse seriously. Verbal, physical, and sexual abuse are all signs a person should not be trusted (whether you're a victim or a bystander). It's rare for abusers to change.
3
Adjust your expectations. Even if someone never wants to hurt you, no one will be able to give you exactly what you need, 100 percent of the time. Once you understand that you should not expect perfection, you can get a better idea of how much trust you actually can put in the other person. ^{[15]
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Research source}
- The goal is to be realistic, not to let yourself get walked all over. Accept that everyone can slip up here and there. However, don't ever let anyone get away with hurting you intentionally or with intentional neglect.
4
Give and receive love. You need to be willing to accept and love the person who betrayed you, and you also need to accept the love that person gives you in return. When your betrayer tries to express affection, accept that the acts of affection are the real thing. Try to accept an action that seems honest.^{[16]
X
Expert Source

Amy Wong
Communication Coach
Expert Interview. 30 April 2020.}

Expert Q&A
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Question

Can trust be rebuilt?

Amy Wong
Psychologist
Amy Eliza Wong is a Leadership and Transformational Coach and the Founder of Always on Purpose, a private practice for individuals and executives looking for help in increasing personal well-being and success and in transforming work cultures, developing leaders, and improving retention. With over 20 years of experience, Amy coaches one-on-one and conducts workshops and keynotes for businesses, medical practices, non-profits, and universities. Based in the San Francisco Bay Area, Amy is a regular instructor at Stanford Continuing Studies, holds an MA in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia University, a certification in Transformational Life Coaching from Sofia University, and a certification in Conversational Intelligence from CreatingWE Institute.

Amy Wong

Psychologist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

It can take time for this to happen. Trust is all about feeling safe around another person, and if that sense of safety is disrupted, it's hard to just get over that. Give it time. Trust can definitely be rebuilt, but it may take a while.
Question

How can I stop my partner of being suspicious all the time?

Amy Wong
Psychologist
Amy Eliza Wong is a Leadership and Transformational Coach and the Founder of Always on Purpose, a private practice for individuals and executives looking for help in increasing personal well-being and success and in transforming work cultures, developing leaders, and improving retention. With over 20 years of experience, Amy coaches one-on-one and conducts workshops and keynotes for businesses, medical practices, non-profits, and universities. Based in the San Francisco Bay Area, Amy is a regular instructor at Stanford Continuing Studies, holds an MA in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia University, a certification in Transformational Life Coaching from Sofia University, and a certification in Conversational Intelligence from CreatingWE Institute.

Amy Wong

Psychologist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

If they're constantly on the edge of their seat, it means they're insecure and scared. Put yourself in their shoes and show them you care about them when they start feeling this way. This is going to be the best way to put them at ease.