How to Regain Trust in Someone

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: December 12, 2022 References Approved

Rebuilding trust after a betrayal is one of the greatest challenges a relationship can face. When we trust someone, we’re not afraid to be goofy and quirky, and we freely share our hopes and our fears. Ultimately, it's trust that allows us to give and receive love. When trust is violated, we become self-conscious and hesitant for fear of another humiliation. But if the relationship is truly valuable and your love runs deep, trust can be re-established and relationships that survive disharmony often emerge stronger and more rewarding for the experience.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Helping Out Yourself First

1
Take some time away from the other person, if you haven't already. In order to regain trust in someone else, you need to heal. Quite possibly, this other person hurt you dearly. You'll want to grow from this situation by turning lemons into lemonade, but to do so, you should take a little time for yourself.^{[1]
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- In the heat of the moment, your emotions can cloud your judgment. That means that it's hard to think straight, and you could end up saying things that aren't exactly helpful in fixing the situation. How you feel is very important, and it's a big part of regaining trust, but it's also not productive if you don't step away for a little bit.
- It's going to be hard not to think about what happened, but try to.^{[2]
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  Research source} At least for a little while. Do something so engaging that you become completely enthralled in the now — go away to a cabin by the lake with your friends, go rock climbing and sweat a little, or have a great conversation with a total stranger. For the time being, forget what happened.
- Try doing activities to help build you self-esteem back up, like playing music, volunteering, or even just talking with friends.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
2
Don't make yourself into a victim. You are a victim of the circumstances, but don't become the victim. Do you see the difference? The victim of circumstance understands that the betrayal of trust was one incident, while the victim feels like the entire relationship — all the good along with the bad — is now affected. The victim of circumstance wants to get over the incident; the victim wants to wallow in the pain that the other person caused them. Staying the victim sets up a big roadblock to regaining trust in someone.^{[4]
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3
Remind yourself that not all is lost. Especially after a betrayal in a relationship, it's easy to feel like the world is being turned upside down and you're in a free fall, disconnected from everything you thought you knew. It's a very disheartening feeling. But it's not the truth. There's still plenty of brightness in your life if you know where to look. Reminding yourself of this simple notion can do a lot to help rebuild trust.^{[5]
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- Take a look at the simplest things in life that you still have. Your friends, family, and health are three profound things that you most likely still have, even if the person who betrayed you feels connected to each one of those things. Fall in love again with just how lucky you are to have these things.
- Try to look at the positive side of things. It may seem funny to think of a betrayal as having positive aspects, but it's certainly possible. Here's the big one: You've learned a lot about the other person as well as about yourself. If you choose to continue the relationship, you'll want to use these teachings to make sure it doesn't happen again.
4
Don't do anything rash without thinking about it first. When someone we care about deeply betrays us and misplaces our trust, one of our gut reactions is to try to punish them for hurting us. If our boyfriend cheats on us, we go out and get cozy with that guy we once had a thing for; if our friend lies to us, we justify lying back to them. Try not to do anything crazy before thinking about it first. Here's how you might go about it in your head:
- Ask yourself: Are you doing this for yourself or in order to hurt the other person? If you're doing this for yourself, then go ahead — you earned it. But if you're doing something in order to hurt the person who hurt you, ditch the need to "get back at" the other person. When you try to put back together the pieces of your relationship, these actions will only stand in the way of making everything good again.
5
Be social.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} After taking a little time for yourself to sort through things, get social again. There's nothing quite like social contact to remind you that the world goes on. And while no one is forcing you to move on with your life quite yet, it's a good idea to get some perspective on things. Perspective helps. Friends, colleagues, and even total strangers will help you get that.
- Listen to your friends, but take anything they say with a grain of salt. They're probably somewhat disconnected from what happened, and they have a natural tendency to want to comfort you. (That's part of what they're there for.) Just don't take for granted that they know everything that's going on, or that they know what's best for your relationship.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Taking Stock of What's Left

1
Start by evaluating the relationship. While it’s sad to see any relationship go — whether it's a friend or lover — sometimes the betrayal is a wake up call and a sign that there are many fish in the sea. Looking at the relationship as a whole should help you decide whether you want to regain trust in the person or whether you'll probably want to move on.
- What was the relationship like before the incident? Did you have fun and laugh frequently? Or did you feel like it was a constant chore and you were doing most, if not all, of the work.
- Did you feel listened to? Was your word as important as theirs? Were lines of communication free and open, or closed and constrained?
- Did you feel that you could rely on this person?
- Was the relationship balanced or was it one-sided and not in your favor?
- Was the betrayal out of character or, in retrospect, might you have seen this coming? Does the person have a history of breaking the trust of their friends or lovers?
2
Examine why you were in the relationship. This is another important exercise in self-discovery you should try to complete before you decide to allow yourself to trust the person who betrayed you. After all, if you're looking for the right things in the wrong places, you might do better to ditch this person and find someone else. It's hard to say, but it's tough medicine.
- Are you in a relationship because you need someone to complete you? This may be a problem. Asking someone to complete you is an impossible task. Only you can do that. If you're in a relationship because you need one in order to feel "whole", you should probably consider taking a break from dating.
- Are you asking for people to hurt you? Do you always date the same kind of person — the person who ends up hurting you in a fiery, dramatic spectacle? You might subconsciously be asking to be hurt because you don't think you deserve better. Well, you do. Improve your self esteem and don't settle for the kind of person you know will hurt you.
3
Grade your relationship. Sure, grading someone sounds callous, but it is an effective and honest way to assess whether or not this person meets your needs. Besides, we deserve five-star relationships, so make sure that's what you've got.
- Identify three to five things you value most in a relationship. For some people laughter and emotional support will be among their top needs. For others, intellectual stimulation is a top priority.
- Using your grading system, determine whether or not this person is meeting your needs and is compatible with your values. For example, if the person shares all your values and did an excellent job of meeting your needs except for the betrayal, it might be a good idea to give them a second chance. On the other hand, if the person doesn't really share any of your values but is an overall good person, the betrayal might mean it's time to move on.
4
Examine the betrayal itself. Indeed, some people are not deserving of your trust. But sometimes, a mistake hurts because it reminds us of previous a wound. A betrayal that is calculated or born of malicious intent is a clear indication that this person is no one you can trust. But mistakes that are accidental and out of character may deserve forgiveness. Consider the following:
- Was it a calculated deceit, for example a cheating spouse, malicious gossip or sabotage by a co-worker?
- Was it accidental, like crashing your car or spilling the beans on a secret?
- Was it a one-time slip, or does the incident represent a long-standing pattern of behavior?
- Consider the circumstances: Is your friend or loved one going through a particularly trying time and could this have played a part in the injury?
5
Measure the severity of the betrayal. Was it mild, moderate or severe? The severity of the betrayal is often going to be a good sign of the degree of pain the other person put you through.
- Mild offenses include blurting a secret, telling 'white' lies (lies that are told to spare your feelings, as opposed to lies told to deceive you) and complimenting your romantic partner in a way that may have seemed flirtatious. These tend to be accidental and one-time incidents. Generally, if you express your concerns, they are met with an immediate and sincere apology and a promise to be more mindful of your feelings in the future.
- Moderate offenses include gossiping about you, regularly borrowing money but rarely repaying you and regular disrespect. These behaviors reflect a lack of consideration and selfishness. It can be difficult to confront someone who seems indifferent to your feelings, but sometimes people are just oblivious. These flawed behaviors can be sometimes be talked through and resolved.
- Severe betrayals include stealing a significant amount of money, infidelity, spreading malicious gossip or lies, and sabotaging you at work or in some other endeavor. These are calculated betrayals, the perpetrator is aware of the grief he or she will cause and does it anyway. In such cases, you may need to seek professional guidance to salvage the relationship, if indeed you decide to forgive.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Slowly Rebuilding Trust

1
Focus on all the positives of the relationship. If you’ve decided to forgive and move forward, one of the best ways to let go of resentment, anger and suspicion is to remind yourself of all of the wonderful things this person brings to your life. There's probably a reason — hopefully a lot of reasons — why you stayed in the relationship. Think about those as you begin to let the other person in.
2
Try putting yourself in their shoes. It's hard to do, and it's not necessarily expected of you, but it will help save the relationship if that's what you want to do. Try to imagine what drove the person to betray you, indirectly or directly. Try to think about how the person feels at this very moment. You shouldn't make any decisions just because you pity someone, but showing empathy is an olive branch that will mean a lot to the other person.
3
Talk about the incident. Be clear about your feelings, and give the other person a chance to speak.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} At the same time, know that asking for specific details can make the pain even worse.^{[8]
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Research source} This can make the healing process even harder.
- Discuss the event. Explain how you interpreted the event and why you were hurt. Avoid accusatory language. Give the other person the opportunity to explain the situation from their perspective.
- Establish your expectations and ask what is expected of you. This will help clarify the cause of the current problem, as well as avoid future disagreements.
- Don't expect to get through talking about the incident in one sitting. Make that clear to your friend or partner. The healing process is going to take some time, and that person should be prepared to talk about it for some time. If they're not prepared to, that's a sign that they may not care as much about mending the relationship as you do.
4
Depersonalize the incident. Often, hurtful behavior has much more to do with the other person than it does with us. Rather than face their own issues, people project them onto a close friend, family member or partner. If the incident was borne of the other person’s insecurity, help him or her deal with the pain. This will help you view the incident with compassion and help you to forgive. Here are a few examples of hurtful behaviors that are not personal attacks:
- Someone makes a snide comment about your appearance because he or she feels unattractive.
- A partner flirts to feel desirable, not because you are unloving or unlovable.
- A friend is hyper-competitive because she feels inadequate.
- You are sabotaged by a co-worker because he fears his work is inadequate.
5
Try to keep a positive outlook on things. If you fear the relationship or friendship just isn't going to work, but want to try anyway, you may as well throw in the towel right now. If you decide to give it another try, believe that it will work, not because you want it to, but because the other person has earned it.
- Don't constantly live in fear of the same betrayal happening again. Try to get back to normal as much as possible. If you find yourself living in the constant shadow of the betrayal, that's a sign that it's time to get out — both for your sake and for the other person's.
6
Recognize that we all make mistakes and think about the times you've received forgiveness. Likely, forgiveness gave you the opportunity to be a kind and more responsible human being. Forgiving another allows you to pass that gift on to someone else.^{[9]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How can I save my marriage after infidelity and lying?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

I really suggest couple's counseling. There can be a lot of anger and sadness after a partner cheats, but counseling can provide a safe space to explore what happened and what needs to change for your relationship to continue. Besides that, just realize that building trust will take time. If you and your partner focus on being open and honest with each other and communicating effectively, eventually things can improve.

Warnings

Holding on to resentment damages your other relationships and makes it harder to create new bonds.

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Your relationship may never be the same. It could be better than ever; it could also be that your efforts to forgive may not be rewarded.

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Harboring resentment increases stress; high stress levels are linked to heart disease, strokes and cancer.

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