How to Leave the Past Behind

Co-authored by Catherine Boswell, PhD

Last Updated: November 22, 2022 References Approved

Troubling memories from the past make make it hard to live in the present. If you are having a hard time moving on from something that happened to you, you can begin to heal by accepting how your past has shaped you into the person you are today.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Coming to Terms with the Effects of Past Experiences

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Acknowledge the challenges of the past. Unresolved past experiences can sometimes produce lasting psychological and physiological effects. In such cases, it’s important to come to terms with how your past is affecting your current outlook or habits.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Catherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.}
- An important first step is to stop trying to pretend you aren't affected by past events. You can't get over the past until you accept it. If something happens that reminds you of a traumatic event or triggers a strong emotional reaction, try to calmly acknowledge to yourself that this is the case. Let yourself feel what you feel about the past. Later steps in this article provide some specific strategies to help with this.
- For example, if you find yourself in a social situation that triggers powerful emotions about the past, don't try to push them away. Instead, excuse yourself for a moment and step away from the group. Then, take a moment to reflect on the past and how it is affecting you before rejoining the group.
- The impact of past traumas can be especially strong if you are without a strong social support network.^{[2]
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  PubMed Central
  Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
  Go to source}.
- Sometimes, the trauma resulting from past experiences can be so intense that it affects the people you care about. Unresolved past experience can prevent you from building strong relationships with your loved ones. They can also keep you preoccupied with dreams that never came to fruition. This, in turn, can affect your current outlook and habits in ways that make it hard to cope with obstacles in your life.^{[3]
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2
Understand how trauma affects the brain. Traumatic or particularly intense experiences can affect our neurochemistry. At times, this can even impact the structure of our brains.
- If you find yourself feeling like you should just "get over it," remind yourself that reality is more complicated than that. Traumatic events can actually change the way your brain works. This can take a long time to overcome, so cut yourself some slack and try to be patient.
- Emerging research in neuroscience suggests that brains have a certain “plasticity.” Our genetic predispositions can be manipulated and expressed in unpredictable ways after powerful experiences. In other words, your brain can change. It is a product of both your genes and your experiences.^{[4]
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- The physiological and psychological effects of past experiences can seem difficult to overcome and incorporate into your life. But, it’s important to keep in mind your body and brain are constantly reorganizing themselves based on new experiences.^{[5]
  X
  Research source} Your brain and body have changed before, and will change again. You can make that change a positive thing.
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3
Accept that you cannot change what happened, only how you view it. You can't revisit the past, but you can change the way you perceive it and handle it from now on. If you don't, your hurt self will carry over this emotional pain into other new experiences and relationships.
- Your efforts here should be directed toward accepting the past and forgiving those who may have wronged you. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you have about your past. Then, try to let those feelings go.
- When you experience anger or sorrow about the past, try to remind yourself that hanging on to these negative emotions only harms you in the end. No amount of anger will undo what happened. Acknowledge your feelings.^{[6]
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  Catherine Boswell, PhD
  Licensed Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.} Then, look within for the compassion to forgive those who harmed you and the strength to let go.^{[7]
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- This process will take time and will be different for each person. Other steps in this article are designed to help with the process.
- Dwelling on the past can cause problems without any conscious desire on your behalf.
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Try meditation or yoga. There are several activities called embodied physical practices that can help you make peace with the past. Meditation and yoga, for example, can help you develop personal coping techniques. These activities help you become more sensitive to the ways your emotions affect different parts of your body.^{[8]
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- Yoga is best learned with the guidance of a professional instructor. If you've never tried it before check online to see if there are free or low-cost introductory classes offered in your community. Many places have affordable options you can use to try yoga and see if it's right for you.
- Meditation is something you can easily do alone in your home. Find a comfortable place to sit with your legs crossed and your hands in your lap. Close your eyes and take slow deep breaths. If your mind wanders, gently return your focus to your breathing. Try a CD or a downloaded MP3 to help guide you through meditation.^{[9]
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  Harvard Medical School
  Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
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- These practices give you the psychological time and space to identify particular emotions related to past experiences. In doing so, they can allow you to notice and work through the effects they’ve had on your behavior and thought processes.^{[10]
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5
Keep a journal. Write about the events in your day-to-day life, or about the past. These are great ways to work through difficult emotions.^{[11]
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- Start off one night by simply listing the events you experienced throughout the day. You don't even need to force them into any sort of narrative. Try not to think too hard about it; keep your mind open and just write down whatever feels natural. This will get you comfortable with the process of journaling.^{[12]
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  Catherine Boswell, PhD
  Licensed Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.}
- This should become easier with each day as it develops into a habit. At this point you can start writing about past experiences that come to mind during your writing sessions.
- Focus on your thoughts and feelings. The important thing is to express yourself, not to tell a beautiful story.^{[13]
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- Journaling about the upsetting events of your past can help you come to terms with them and make them less intrusive in your day-to-day life. Expressive writing has both mental and physical health benefits. It can help you process your emotions and can also help restore disturbed sleep patterns.^{[14]
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- This kind of emotional work can take some time and introspection but it can be very productive if you let the process unfold on its own.
6
Spend time with other people. Unresolved past experiences can sometimes make it feel impossible to trust new people in your life. This can make it hard to build healthy relationships. However, strong social support systems can be the most important factor in healing the effects of damaging experiences.^{[15]
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- It’s important to feel supported around other people as opposed to frightened so take it slow at first; maybe just meet a new person for coffee.
- Volunteering can also be a great way for you to become more comfortable with interacting with other people again. This can even help you become more comfortable with your vulnerabilities as you see others bear their own.
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Seek professional help. If you ever feel overwhelmed, or utterly helpless, consider getting support from a professional.^{[16]
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Expert Source

Catherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.} If what you’re dealing with just won't go away or isn’t improved with the steps above speak to a counselor or therapist.^{[17]
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- There are times when past experiences can be so debilitating that it’s necessary to get help from someone who has helped people through such issues before. This is what counselors and therapists are for.
- If you don’t know how to find one you could speak to your primary care doctor who will likely be able to refer you.
- Your insurance policy may cover a certain number of visits to a mental health professional. Check your policy details to find out.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Forming New Habits

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Evaluate your social circle. Consider leaving behind friends who keep you focused on the past. The social environment we live in is an essential part of what defines both who we are.^{[18]
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Trustworthy Source
Edutopia
Educational nonprofit organization focused on encouraging and celebrating classroom innovation
Go to source} It also affects how we incorporate unresolved past experiences into our lives.
- Spend some time thinking (or maybe writing in your journal) about the people you spend time with and how they make you feel. If there are people in your life who make you feel bad or reinforce negative habits, consider spending less time with them.
- For example, people who constantly put you down may not be good to have in your life. Friends who make it difficult for you to do what you need to do to incorporate difficult past experiences can also be a problem. Consider making new friends, or at least initiating a change of scenery.
- This isn’t always easy, but can be a great way to force you out of your comfort zone and grow as a person.
- It's a good idea to try new hobbies with your new companions. When you're ready, start to push the boundaries of your comfort zone by joining a local sports team or art class. New directions for your life will gradually emerge that might not have otherwise seemed possible.
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Be grateful for the friends who support you. Don't upset yourself by thinking about people who did not respect and appreciate you. Instead, concentrate on those who stick by your side. Let them know you appreciate their help.^{[19]
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- It can be hard not to dwell on negativity. But, your supportive friends are the ones who deserve your attention.
- Keep good friends close by during this time. Having a supportive community of people around you will help you stay strong. It will allow you to feel confident enough to engage with unresolved past experiences or difficult emotions without feeling alone.
- When you feel like you're slipping, try spending some time around someone you trust who can help keep you on the right track.
- If you feel that you are going to fall back into a bad habit, or are on the verge of despair, call a trusted friend and ask if he or she can meet you for coffee or swing by your house. Having someone around can help you feel supported. This can help you make through tough times.
3
Try systematic desensitization. Systematic desensitization is the process of gradually easing people into potentially distressing situations while using relaxation techniques.The goal is over time to feel more comfortable experimenting with these situations on your own.^{[20]
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Simply Psychology
Popular site for evidence-based psychology information
Go to source}
- This is an approach you can use to start getting comfortable with situations that are causing you a great deal of anxiety.
- Start by learning basic relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing exercises or meditation. Then, expose yourself to situations that remind you of those that make you feel uncomfortable. Use the relaxation techniques you've learned to stay calm.
- Start with short exposures to stressful situations. The key here is to move at your own pace, guarding against pushing yourself too far. Eventually, you should be able to engage comfortably in situations that currently cause you distress.
- For example, imagine you were attacked and badly hurt by a vicious dog. You might start avoiding all dogs. To move beyond this, you could try visiting a trusted friend who has a dog you know to be friendly. Use relaxation techniques before and during a short visit to your friend's home. Try to visit often, staying a little longer each time. This might be difficult at first, but spending a little time with a non-threatening dog could help you overcome your feelings about the attack.
4
Engage with your fears and alter your habits. Sometimes we develop habits that keep us from confronting and moving beyond unresolved experiences. They can keep us from incorporating their effects into our decisions in the present.^{[21]
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- Let's stick with the example of a fear of dogs. If you were attacked by a dog, you might develop a habit of crossing the street when you see someone walking a dog. You might get to the point where you do this without even thinking about it. In the short run, this might reduce your anxiety. But in the long run, it might be preventing you from getting over your fear. If nothing else, its an inconvenience. In this situation, you could make an effort to break this habit. You don't need to seek out dogs, but try to stop crossing the street when you see one coming. After getting comfortable with that, you might even ask that stranger if you could pet their dog. Gradually, this will help you let go of the traumatic event.
- Systematic desensitization can he helpful in trying to change counterproductive habits.
- Sometimes we don't notice how unresolved experiences have changed us. Our attempts to avoid them become embedded in our day-to-day habits. One way to become more aware of changes in behavior is to ask someone you trust if they notice anything odd in the way you’ve been acting. Other people often are able to pick up on things we aren’t able to notice in ourselves.^{[22]
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- For example, after a breakup you could ask your best friend: “have I been acting weird in any way since me and my girlfriend broke up?”
5
Make a list to track your behavior. Sit down make a list of all the times you avoided doing something because you were afraid or didn’t want to feel uncomfortable. You don’t even have to know why you were afraid at the time. Sometimes just writing about your feelings about past experiences can be a great way to allow them to flow more openly.
- This can be especially valuable if you don't have a good friend around to ask about your behavior.
- As the ideas start to flow, think about new ways you can approach these situations in the future.
- For example, imagine your list makes it clear that you’re hesitant to go out with your friends. Start by inviting them over to your house so you have a little bit more control over the situation. Maybe invite those you are closest to over at first, and then after a few visits, ask them to bring over some people you don’t know very well.
- Take it slow and don’t be afraid to ask for help from people you trust. A gradual progression can help you incorporate the effects of most negative past experiences that you haven’t been able to resolve.
- By slowly pushing yourself in ways that might have made you uncomfortable before, dysfunctional habits will begin to fade away. Then you can start working towards building new, more functional habits in your day-to-day life.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Getting Through Hard Times

1
Put troubling objects away. For a time, it can be helpful to put the things that remind you of the unresolved past experience in a box. Get a large box and throw into it anything that reminds you of a past failed relationship, a job that left you feeling sore. Anything physical that reminds you of troubling experiences should go in the box.
- After some time has passed, decide whether this box should be tossed or stored. Either way, you are coming to a conclusion about its contents that they can no longer influence you.
2
Write down your feelings or say them out loud. Putting words and names to emotions and unresolved experiences can make them more tangible. This can help you better manage your feelings.
- You could, for instance, write a letter to a person or people in the past who hurt you or experienced a difficult event with you. Being able to engage with such people from your past can be quite helpful, even if they are not actually present for you to converse with.^{[23]
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  Harvard Business Review
  Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
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- You could write or speak poetry or prose. Anything that allows you to let out the feelings you are holding on to from the past is fine. No matter how horrid the words are that come to mind, let them out.
3
Make thoughtful decisions. While you're going through the healing process, try to be aware of the triggers that can send you back to past habits. This can include experiences like coming in contact a person who hurt you. Sometimes even watching a movie that reminds you of an unresolved experience can be a trigger.
- When you are exposed to such a situation, use the techniques described above. Actively aim to put a hold on habitual reactions and challenge yourself to do things differently.
- This also means avoiding making decisions in haste that you may regret later. For example, think carefully before cutting off ties with somebody in your family or sending someone notes filled with anger. Before quitting something you have been doing for a long time, such as a job, give this careful consideration. Some of these choices might end up being the path you take after thinking it through. Initially though, this exercise is about strengthening yourself to make calm and enlightened decisions.
- It can be especially helpful to check in with a therapist or mental health counselor. He or she will often have suggestions to help you cope with experiences that trigger negative feelings.
- Remember in difficult times that you do care about tomorrow. Your goal is to build a responsible, thoughtful, and clear future that is free of the control of past habits.
4
Take it slowly but surely. Don't expect an overnight transformation. You will only achieve the best results by allowing yourself time and space to incorporate the effects of the past into your life.
- Each person recovers a different pace. If you start to think: "I should be over this by now," try to replace that thought with: "I have made progress and will continue to do so."

Warnings

Avoid using the past as an excuse for not improving the present. When things about your life don't turn out as you'd like, sort out them instead of reminiscing about how much better things used to be. You're an innovative, creative, adaptable human being who is capable of making the choice to live better. But, trying to compare your current situation with the past can hold you back.

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An unhappy childhood is not unique. Using it as a constant excuse to not improve your situation will only do harm. It can hinder your ability to incorporate the effects of unresolved experiences. Accept that what happened during an unhappy childhood was not right or good, but allow yourself to heal. Get therapy for it where needed, but don't let it destroy your current chances of leading a fulfilled life. If you do, the demons from your past will win.

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