How to Let a Girl Down Easy

Co-authored by Cherlyn Chong

Last Updated: January 4, 2022 References

Nobody likes hearing that someone they like doesn’t have the same feelings for them, but sometimes it’s actually the best thing you can do. If a girl likes you, you can let her down in a kind and respectful way without hurting her feelings too much. You may even be able to remain friends. To help you out, we’ve put together a list of ways you can let her down easy so she doesn’t get her hopes up.

1

Don’t put off telling her.

The longer you wait, the harder it’ll be for her to hear. If she tells you that she has feelings for you or if you notice that she may want to be more than just friends, tell her that you don’t feel the same way. Don’t drag it out or it’ll only be harder for you to say it and for her to accept it.^{[1]
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- If you want to stay friends with her, don’t lead her on or wait too long to tell her that you don’t have romantic feelings for her.
- If you think she might like you as more than just a friend, but you aren’t sure, try asking one of her friends about it.

2

Tell her in person if you can.

Break the news face-to-face so she has closure. Telling her in person is the most respectful way you can do it. She’ll be able to see your face and hear your voice, which can show her that you’re being genuine with her and you really don’t want to hurt her feelings. It may help her move on more easily.^{[2]
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- If you really can’t meet up with her in person, try setting up a video chat or at least a phone call so she can hear your voice.

3

Say it clearly and directly.

Tell her straight up that you’re not interested in a relationship. It may not be what she wanted to hear, but it’s important that you clearly communicate your thoughts and feelings. Keep it clear and succinct so there isn’t any confusion.^{[3]
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- You could lead with something nice and then deliver the news like, “I think you’re really nice, but I just don’t see us being together.”
- You could also give a clear and direct no and say something like, “I’m not interested in a relationship right now.”

4

Use “I” statements.

Avoid putting the blame on her. She’s already put herself out there by telling you that she likes you, so don’t make it even worse for her by pointing out any faults or issues you have with her. Instead, focus on yourself and your own feelings by using statements that use “I” instead of “you.”^{[4]
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- For example, you could say, “I don’t want a relationship” instead of something like, “I’m not interested in you.”

5

Be nice to her.

Nobody likes being rejected, so try to be kind about it. Just because you don’t feel the same way about her doesn’t mean you should dismiss her feelings. Be respectful and kind when you let her down, even if she gets emotional or upset. Try not to make it into a big deal and she’ll likely be able to move on and you may even be able to remain friends.^{[5]
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- You could try being apologetic so she understands that you don’t enjoy hurting her feelings, but you also didn’t want to lead her on. For instance, you could say something like, “I’m really sorry I just feel the same way, but I hope that we can still be friends.”

6

Give her a real reason.

Be honest about why it’s not working out. Don’t give her abstract reasons like “I’m just not ready for commitment” or “You’re too good for me.” Instead, give a real, concrete example of why you don’t think you’re right for each other. She’ll appreciate that you’re being honest and you aren’t just making up an excuse.^{[6]
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- For instance, you could say something like, “You’re good friends with my ex and I just don’t feel comfortable with it” or “I don’t think we share common interests.”
- The truth doesn’t have to be harsh. Instead of saying something like, “I just don’t like you,” you could say, “I just don’t think we’re compatible.”

7

Be as positive as you can when you tell her.

Try to stay as upbeat as you can it doesn’t feel as awkward. Telling her you don’t have feelings for her is uncomfortable for both you and her. Stay calm and positive so she doesn’t feel any worse than she already does. Keep an upbeat attitude to help console her and make the moment feel less awkward.^{[7]
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- For example, after you tell her that you don’t have romantic feelings for her, you could say something like, “I really treasure the friendship we have and I feel like a romantic relationship could ruin that.”
- If she’s really upset and wants you to leave her alone, don’t try to crack a joke or be funny.

8

Tell her that you still want to stay in touch.

You can remain friends if she’s okay with it. If she takes the news relatively well (meaning she’s not furious or inconsolable), try telling her that you hope you can still talk to each other and hang out. Let her know that you still hope to spend time with her and be friends, especially if you both have mutual friends and will likely see each other often.^{[8]
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- Try saying something like, “I know this sucks, but I hope we can still hang out. I really appreciate our friendship, but I understand if you need some time.”
- It may be awkward for a bit, but eventually, things may go back to normal and you can spend time around each other without it being weird.

9

End with something that will make her smile.

A hug or an inside joke could make her feel better. After you tell her how you feel, she may understandably be hurt and a little upset. Try not to end the conversation on a bad note or by walking away and leaving her alone. Instead, try to offer some consolation like a hug. If you both have a bunch of inside jokes, try to make her laugh. Do whatever you can to end things positively.^{[9]
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- For instance, if you’re both fans of the TV show The Office, you could quote a line from the show like, “I am ready to be hurt again” or “Oh how the turntables.”
- If she’s really upset, it may be best for you to give her some time and space.

10

Give her space after you tell her.

Wait at least a week before you hang out with her. Allow her to emotionally recover from the news.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Cherlyn Chong
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 21 June 2019.} Don’t ignore her or avoid her, but try to give her at least a week to get over it. After that, if she’s comfortable, you can spend time with her and things may be back to the way they were before she started having feelings for you.^{[11]
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- Keep in mind she may not be comfortable being around you. If that’s the case, respect her wishes and give her space.

11

Act like everything is fine when you see her.

Don’t make things awkward for her. Try talking to her just as you would before you told her that you don’t have romantic feelings for her. In time, you may be able to return back to the friendship that you enjoyed with her.^{[12]
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- If she’s uncomfortable being around you, don’t force the issue. Give her the space she needs.

12

Avoid hooking up with her.

Don’t get her hopes up after you let her down. Kissing, flirting, or hooking up with her could really mess with her emotions, especially if you just told her that you don’t have romantic feelings for her. However, if you do start to feel attracted to her, tell her about it! Just don’t hook up with her and then continue to say that you don’t want to be with her.^{[13]
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13

Send a text after a first date that didn’t go well.

Use a short note to let her know that you aren’t interested in another date. If you haven’t spent much time with her or if you were set up for a date and things didn’t seem to be going anywhere, you can send a text to tell her how you feel. Just type out a simple, direct text that is kind and clearly says that you aren’t interested in a romantic relationship.^{[14]
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- For instance, you text her something like, “Hey, I had a great time, but I don’t think there’s a connection here,” or “Hi! Thanks for dinner, but I don’t think there’s a lot of chemistry between us.”

14

Don’t ghost her.

Respect her feelings and tell her that it’s over. It may feel tempting to simply stop talking to her or avoiding her entirely. But it could really hurt her feelings and just isn’t the right thing to do. If she likes you, but you don’t feel the same way, just tell her. She may not like it at first, but if you’re honest, she’ll eventually move on.^{[15]
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- Ghosting her can make you seem like a jerk, especially if you have mutual friends.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I recover after my girlfriend broke up with me?

Cherlyn Chong
Relationship Coach
Cherlyn Chong is a breakup recovery and dating coach. With 6 years of experience, she specializes in working with high-achieving professional women who want to get over their exes and find love again. She has experience as an official coach for The League dating app, and has been featured on AskMen, Business Insider, Reuters and HuffPost.

Cherlyn Chong

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

It can take a long time, but the best thing you can do is try to just get a little better every day. It's okay if you need to take some time to grieve, or even if you go into a cycle and bounce around emotionally. It's okay to feel bad for a while. The third thing you need to do is take on a growth mindset. It may hurt a lot now, but just try to treat it as an opportunity to grow.