How to Text Your Ex Girlfriend After a Long Time

Co-authored by Connell Barrett and Kira Jan

Last Updated: February 24, 2022 References

Even months or years after you two broke up, you might find yourself missing your ex-girlfriend and wanting to reach out. But what should you actually say when you text your ex? Whether you’re looking to just check-in, reconnect as friends, or win her back, a thoughtful message can start rebuilding what you’ve lost. We’ve got you covered with 11 different messages you can text your ex-girlfriend, even if it’s been a long time.

1

“Hey! I was thinking about you the other day.”

Keep things casual and bring up positive memories at the same time.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.} Tell your ex-girlfriend you passed by her favorite restaurant, heard her go-to karaoke song, or saw a meme she would’ve loved. This type of message is low stakes because you’re not asking for anything or bringing in any expectations.^{[2]
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- “I got lunch at Fambrini’s the other day and it made me think of you. How are you?”
- “I know it’s been a bit since we last talked, but I just had to share this meme I knew you’d love.”
- “Thought of you yesterday when ‘Dancing Queen’ came on. What have you been up to?”
- Smartphones sometimes bring up "memory" photos from the past. That could be a great thing to send over to her.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Connell Barrett
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.}

2

“I saw the update you posted. Huge congrats!”

Reach out about a recent event, and your text won't seem random. Congratulating your ex-girlfriend on a change or accomplishment shows that you still care, whether you’re looking to reconnect as friends or something more. Once you’ve broken the ice, you can easily keep the conversation going with open-ended follow-up questions.
- “Congrats on the big promotion—you deserve it. How’re you feeling now that you’re the boss?”
- “Hey, I heard you finally moved to Chicago! How do you like city life?”
- If she doesn’t have any major life updates, bring up a smaller update you’ve seen social media like, “Hey, I saw the pic from your niece’s recital. She’s gotten so big! How old is she now?”^{[4]
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3

“Do you remember the name of the cafe we used to like?”

Ask for basic information to prevent your text from feeling out of the blue. It can feel awkward to reach out if you haven’t talked in months, or maybe even years. By asking a straightforward, non-personal question, you keep things lighthearted. Plus, you’re more likely to get a response. After you exchange a couple of casual texts, ask to meet up or talk so you can reconnect.^{[5]
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- “Rylee! I know this is weird, but what was the name of that Portuguese restaurant downtown?”
- “Hey, hope you’re well. Do you still have the recipe for the amazing vegetarian casserole you made?”
- “Hi! Is there any chance you have Tommy’s number from high school?”

4

“So random: did you ever end up getting that dog?”

Rather than just saying “What’s up?” ask specific questions about her life. Specific questions tend to be better because they show you’re genuinely interested in how your she’s doing. Try this approach if you’re wondering what your ex is up to or checking to see if she’s willing to be friends.
- “I just realized it’s college admissions season. Has your sister chosen a school?!”
- “Hey! I wanted to ask how apartment hunting went. Did you find a good place?”
- “I was thinking about planning a trip to Japan. Did you end up going last summer?”

5

“I listened to the album you recommended. I'd give it 10/10.”

Send a thoughtful message, then leave the ball in her court. Show her she still has an impact on your life and hint that you miss her by mentioning something she recommended to you. If she sends a short text back, she might not be interested in reconnecting. But if she responds positively and nostalgically, you might have a shot at re-establishing a friendship or relationship.
- “I tried Ghanian food last night. You were right, it’s incredible. Hope you’re having fun in Portland.”
- “I went to a sports bar with some buddies the other night and they were impressed at my Raiders trivia knowledge. I told them it was all thanks to you. I hope you’re doing well.”
- “You were right about South San Francisco. They have surprisingly good sushi. Hope you’re not missing it too much living in Colorado.”

6

“Just wanted to say I care about you! Hope we can still be friends.”

It's okay to be direct and tell her you care if things ended amicably. After you’ve gone no contact and given her time to heal, open the door to friendship.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.} It’s completely normal to want to stay a part of someone’s life, especially since you were so close. Tell her there’s no pressure, and respect her decision if she ultimately says “no.”
- “I know things didn’t work out, but I miss being friends with you. Let me know if and when you want to talk.”
- “Hey! I wanted to tell you that I’m still here for you. I’ll always be your friend.”^{[7]
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  Expert Source
  
  Connell Barrett
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.}
- “No pressure, but I still care about you, and I’d love to be friends if you’re down.”

7

“It’s been a while! Do you want to catch up sometime over coffee?”

Suggest a meetup in person if you’re serious about reconnecting. It’ll be easier to talk about rekindling a friendship or relationship if you two can communicate in real-time. Suggest a low-key activity like a walk or quick coffee, and see if she’s interested.
- “Hey—I’d love to catch up if you’re in town. Would you want to go on a walk sometime?”
- “Hi, Samantha! Are you free for coffee on Sunday? 100% no pressure, and this would be just as friends.”
- “Hey, you just crossed my mind the other day. How would you feel about grabbing coffee and catching up sometime this week?”

8

“I know I made a ton of mistakes, and I’d love to talk through what happened.”

You might need to apologize before you can reconnect. Despite your best intentions, you might’ve emotionally hurt your girlfriend. Send her a sincere apology that owns up to past mistakes. Then, ask if she’s willing to talk through things.^{[8]
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Research source} If and when you do meet up, give her time to process what you’ve said before asking for a second chance.
- “I messed things up with us. I’m so sorry and it’s so clear to me now. Could we meet up so I can apologize in person?”
- “I know it’s years later, but I still can’t believe how I treated you. I took you for granted, and I know that now. Would you be willing to talk so we can clear the air?”
- “I understand if I’m the last person you want to hear from. But I’m so genuinely sorry for how I acted when we were together. Could I buy you a coffee and apologize?”

9

“Do you ever wish things had gone differently with us? That’s been on my mind.”

Ask her how she feels about the way things ended. Who knows? Your ex might miss you as much as you miss her. Once you get a sense of where her head’s at, decide whether it seems appropriate to ask to meet up or give your relationship a second chance. Even if she doesn’t feel the same way, you’ll get a chance to get some closure and move on.
- “Do you ever miss when we were together? To be totally honest, I do.”
- “I know this is a lot, but I still have feelings for you. Is there any chance you feel the same way?”
- “Hey, I’ve been missing you lately. Do you ever miss what we had?”

10

“I’ve been thinking a lot about how things ended. I wish we could try again.”

Be straightforward about your intentions if you think she’ll be open to a relationship.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.} But before you press send, check in with your own motivations. Do you want to get back together because you’re looking for familiarity and comfort or because the relationship itself was a positive thing in your life?^{[10]
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Research source} Once you know why you're reaching out, hit send and see what she has to say.
- “I miss cooking dinner with you and even doing laundry together. I miss pretty much everything about you. Would you give us a second chance?"
- “Hey, I miss you and I miss being with you. I’ve changed and grown a lot over the last few months. Would you be willing to give it another shot?”
- “I know things didn’t end the way either of us wanted. I’ve been doing a ton of reflection this past year. If you’re willing to try again, let me know.”
- "Hey, I'm interested in rekindling what we had, or seeing if there's still a spark there. Would you like to have a drink sometime?"^{[11]
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  Expert Source
  
  Connell Barrett
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.}

11

“I’d love to clear the air between us so we can both move on.”

Send this text if you want to get closure. Even if you’re not looking to get back together, talking about why things ended can help you heal. Studies even show that understanding what led to a breakup can help lessen the negative effects of the breakup on your current self-esteem and future love life.^{[12]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
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- “I know it’s over between us, but I’d like to talk through some things so we can both heal. You know where to find me if you’re willing to talk.”
- “Hey, I know it’s been a while. But I feel like we left a lot of things unsaid, and I’d love to give us the chance to get closure. Let me know if you’d like to talk.”
- “I still think about how we left things. I wish we could meet up and talk about what went wrong. I’m not expecting to get back together—I’d just like to get closure. Would you be willing to talk?”

Expert Q&A

Question

What do you say to an ex you want back?

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."

Connell Barrett

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Don't try to make them jealous! Instead, remind them of how it used to be. Focus on the good times, rather than the bad.
Question

How do you ask out your ex?

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."

Connell Barrett

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Ask them out on a single outing, like seeing a movie, having a drink, or hanging out. Don't ask them if they'd like to have your relationship back—that's a big thing to request.