How to Live As an Agender Person

Co-authored by Inge Hansen, PsyD and Janice Tieperman

Last Updated: April 22, 2022 References Approved

Figuring out your gender identity is a difficult but rewarding process, and we’re proud of you for finding a label that makes you feel safe, valid, and comfortable! But now that you’ve officially identified as agender, how can you live your truth in a way that feels authentic to you? Don’t worry–we’ve put together plenty of actionable, achievable advice to help you along your journey.

1

Choose what “agender” means to you.

“Agender” doesn’t have a universal definition in the gender-diverse community. Some people use the word agender to identify as someone who doesn’t fit within the male/female gender binary, while other individuals use the label to represent a complete absence of gender.^{[1]
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Research source} Think about what parts of the label really vibe with you, and why you think it’s a good fit for your gender identity.
- Feel free to chat with your agender friends and acquaintances to see what the label means to them.

2

Dress so you feel comfortable.

Choose a hairstyle and clothing style that represents you. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to dress as an agender person–it completely depends on your feelings, attitude, and comfort level.^{[2]
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Research source} Try on different outfit combinations and see what feels most authentic and comfortable to you. You can also look up pictures of different hairstyles and see if any resonate with you.
- Brands like Nicopanda, Telfar, I and Me, RICH MNISI, Riley Studio, Wildfang, Entireworld, and Collusion are well-known for their “genderless” clothing options.^{[3]
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- Remember: you don’t have to choose a set hairstyle and clothing style if you don’t want to! If you’re already comfortable with your clothing and hairstyle, you have no obligation to change things up.

3

Change your name if you want to.

Pick a name that supports and validates your gender identity.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 November 2019.} Members of the trans and gender-diverse community have chosen their names in a variety of different ways, from online pseudonyms to their personal heritage. Look for a name that really resonates with who you are as a person, and that you’d feel comfortable with other people calling you.^{[5]
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- Remember–while you’re more than welcome to change your name, you don’t have to if you don’t want to!

4

Pick your pronouns.

Pronouns help you feel comfortable in your day-to-day life. You can stick with binary pronouns, gender-neutral pronouns, or a mix of both! What matters most is that your pronouns validate and uplift you, rather than bring you down. Here are some examples of both gender-binary and gender-neutral pronouns you can choose from:^{[6]
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- Gender Binary
  - She/her/hers: She is talking right now.
  - He/him/his: He is talking right now.
- Gender Neutral
  - They/them/theirs (singular): They are talking right now.
  - Ze/hir/hirs: (pronounced zhee, here, heres) Ze is talking right now.
  - Ze/zir/zirs: (pronounced zhee, where, zheres) Ze is talking right now.
  - Xe/xem/xyr: (pronounced zhee, zhym, zhyre) Xe is talking right now.
- You can use multiple sets of pronouns, too, if that makes you feel more comfortable!

5

Remind people what your pronouns are.

Your pronouns are an important part of your identity. Think about the situation or conversation you’re in, and consider who you’re speaking with at the moment. If you feel safe and comfortable, offer a gentle reminder about what your pronouns are so the person remembers for next time.^{[7]
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Research source} You might say:
- “Just an FYI, but I use they/them pronouns, not she/her.”
- “In the future, would you mind using he/him or they/them pronouns to refer to me?”
- “Could you use xe/xem pronouns when talking about me?”

6

Decide if it’s safe to come out to other people.

You have no obligation to come out if you don’t want to. Coming out is an incredibly personal process, and you’re not obligated to do it at any specific point in your life. Think about the people you’re considering telling, along with the pros and cons of sharing that part of your life. If you feel comfortable and safe opening up, here are some things you might say:^{[8]
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- “I’ve been thinking a lot about my identity lately, and I don’t feel like I fit inside the gender binary. I think I identify as agender now.”
- “I identify as agender, and I’ve decided to use they/them pronouns.”
- Some people find it easier to first “come out” to a non-human audience member, like a houseplant or a family pet.^{[9]
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- Coming out to trusted friends and relatives can actually be a huge peace of mind, and help you build a valuable support system.^{[10]
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7

Explore different labels.

There’s no right or wrong to express your gender identity. Maybe the term “agender” felt right to you a few months ago, but it just doesn’t feel correct anymore. That’s absolutely okay! The gender-diverse community is constantly growing and evolving, and there are plenty of different labels out there that you can try. Here are just a few to consider:^{[11]
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- Genderfluid: A person who has a shifting gender identity.
- Gender nonconforming (GNC): A person who doesn’t identify or follow societal gender norms.
- Bigender/Trigender/Pangender: A person who identifies as multiple genders simultaneously, or who shifts between these multiple gender identities.
- Demigirl/Demiguy: A person who identifies with some aspects of femininity or masculinity, but not all of them.

8

Join an online community.

Social media is full of friendly, accepting, gender-diverse communities. Are you a fan of Facebook groups, or is Reddit more your speed? You can find gender-diverse and agender communities all over the internet, depending on where you look. Here are a few places you can check out:^{[12]
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- Facebook groups: Genderqueer, Agender, Neutrois, Genderfluid, and Non-binary discussion; Genderqueer/NB Gender and Gender Fluid Parents and Partners; Nonbinary People of Color (BIPOC); Bigender Support; Aces, Aros and Enbies; and more
- Subreddits: r/Agender; r/Androgyny; r/Genderfluid; r/Nonbinary; r/Ennnnnnnnnnnnbbbbbby; r/Neutrois; and more
- Discord servers: Binary b gone; Enby Folk; Enby Pride Treehouse; Umbrella Zone: A hangout for all people under the non-binary umbrella; and more

9

Participate in community events.

Joining events is a great way to meet new friends and allies. Search online for festivals, events, or any kind of get-together held by a member of the trans or gender-diverse community. Think about going if it’s within traveling distance–those events could be a great way to make meaningful friendships and connections.^{[13]
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- Ask a parent, guardian, or other trusted adult to drive you to the event if you don’t have your driver’s license yet.

10

Celebrate LGBT holidays.

Agender Pride Day falls on May 19. Take some time to reflect and think about what being agender means to you, and how proud you are to be part of the community.^{[14]
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Research source} There are plenty of other LGBT and gender-diverse holidays you can celebrate as well, like:
- Day of Silence: April 12
- International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia, and Biphobia: May 17
- LGBTQA+ Pride Month: June^{[15]
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11

Speak out for trans and gender-diverse individuals.

Advocating for others is a great way to live your truth. Unfortunately, there are a lot of intolerant people out there who do and say hateful things to the trans and gender-diverse community. Don’t worry–there are plenty of ways to advocate from the comfort of your home, such as:^{[16]
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- Liking an advocacy page on social media
- Correcting false information you see online
- Creating a blog dedicated to trans and gender-diverse issues

12

Contact a help site or helpline for support.

A listening ear is only a click or phone call away. Your gender identity journey can come with a lot of ups and downs–but you aren’t alone. There are online helplines and support sites that can connect you with a kind, empathetic, and trustworthy professional. Here are a few places you can try:
- The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/
- LGBT Foundation: https://lgbt.foundation/helpline
- Kids Helpline: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling/

13

Meet with a counselor for support.

Look for a therapist who specializes in LGBTQ issues. Maybe you’re struggling with dysphoria, anxiety, or some other issue that affects your day-to-day life. A therapist can give you the tools to work through these problems in a safe, validating setting, and can help you feel stronger and more confident in your identity.^{[17]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How should I begin the conversation when coming out as Agender to my parents?

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.

Inge Hansen, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Parents show a wide range in terms of their ability and willingness to accept their kid’s gender or sexual orientation, so some will need a lot more time and education to help them adjust than others. If your parents have a negative reaction to your news, you may want to give them some space and get yourself some support from a friend or someone else who already knows and accepts your identity. Remember that their initial reaction is not their forever reaction, and that they may need space, time and education in order to catch up and be more ready to embrace you for your full authentic self. Sometimes you may be happily surprised at how welcoming your parents turn out to be right from the start.
Question

What is gender dysphoria?

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.

Inge Hansen, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Gender dysphoria is a sense of discomfort or dissatisfaction with one’s assigned gender or sex. Sometimes it centers around certain body parts, and other times it is more focused around the roles, behaviors or general appearance associated with one’s assigned gender. If you notice persistent discomfort with multiple aspects of your assigned gender (not limited to aspects that are due to sexism or limited gender roles within a given culture or community), you may be experiencing gender dysphoria.