How to Live With a Perfectionist

Last Updated: December 15, 2021 References

A perfectionist is someone who sets their sights very high and lives to be perfect. Many perfectionists grew up with the mentality of “I achieve, therefore I am.”^{[1]
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Research source} While perfectionists can push themselves to do great things and often follow through on their goals no matter what, it can be challenging to share a space with such high achievers. Living with a perfectionist means having to deal with their sense of perfection and control on a consistent basis and this can often lead to arguments and high stress. However, there are things you can do to live functionally with a perfectionist and cohabitate in relative peace.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Establishing House Rules and Routines

1
Set up roles and responsibilities in the home. To make life easier for both you and the perfectionist, you should establish house roles and responsibilities so it is clear who is accountable for certain tasks. This will help to prevent any arguments about household chores and duties.^{[2]
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- You should sit down with the perfectionist and create a list of roles and responsibilities. Go room by room and note any tasks that need to get done, such as cleaning the bathroom once a week or sweeping the floor in the hallway once a day. Divide these tasks among yourselves and note when they need to get done so it is clear who is responsible for what and by when.
2
Ask the perfectionist how they like things to get done. Often, perfectionists have a way they like things to be done and may get upset if a task is not completed based on their standards. Communicate with the perfectionist so you are aware of how they do things and how their way contrasts to your way.^{[4]
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- Have a discussion with the perfectionist about what they do when they clean the counter or sweep the floors. Allow them to show you how they do things so you can observe their expectations. This will give you a better sense of how they like things done and make you aware of their expectations.
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3
Find a middle ground and stick to it. Once you have looked at how you complete household duties and how the perfectionist completes their duties, you should work together to come to a compromise over how things should be done. This way, you are less likely to get into arguments and will know how both of you will complete the duties in the home.^{[6]
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- For example, if the perfectionist prefers meals a certain way, you may agree that they cook most of the dinners for you both as long as you take out the garbage and keep the kitchen clean. Or, you may both agree to sweep the floor a certain way so there are no issues when it gets done by either you or the perfectionist.
- You may also discuss setting a routine where you compromise on wake up time in the morning or quiet time at night. If the perfectionist prefers getting up early but you tend to sleep in, ask them to be quiet in the mornings. If they want to set quiet time at night to 9 pm and you would prefer 10 pm, compromise by setting quiet time at 9:30 pm.
4
Let the perfectionist know if there will be disruption in the household routine. Many perfectionists get thrown off if their normal routine and established rules are changed or shifted suddenly. Rather than spring the change on the perfectionist, let them know ahead of time so she can prepare and adjust.^{[7]
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- For example, if you are planning to have a guest stay with you for the weekend, let the perfectionist know at least one week ahead of time that this is happening. If you are roommates, explain where the person will be staying in the home and how long they will be staying. You should also make sure the guest knows the house rules and agrees to follow them.
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Set boundaries around household space and household roles. Though you may try your best to stick to the household rules and routines, there may be times where you do not have the time or energy to do a household chore based on the perfectionist's expectations. You should discuss setting boundaries with the perfectionist so there are spaces in the home where you can follow your own rules and guidelines when it comes to cleanliness. Setting boundaries will help to prevent conflict later and allow you to be yourself in your space.^{[8]
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- For example, you may say to the perfectionist, "I will maintain all shared spaces, like the kitchen, the living room, and the bathroom, according to your expectations. But my bedroom is my area and I do not have to follow your rules when I am in my bedroom."

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Discussing Issues Openly and Respectfully

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Try not to overreact if the perfectionist annoys you. Though it can be challenging to live with a perfectionist, you should try to not to snap or freak out if the perfectionist annoys you. Take a few deep breaths and then ask the perfectionist if you can discuss the issue together in an open and respectful way.^{[9]
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- You may propose that you both practice active listening and take turns listening to each other discuss the issue. Doing this will keep the conversation civil and help you both reach a compromise.
- For example, you may start by saying to the perfectionist, "I am struggling with your expectations for maintaining the kitchen. I work late and am not able to clean up until the morning. But I am aware that waking up to a dirty kitchen annoys you and you then nag me about it. Is there a way we can compromise on this issue?"
- You should then listen intently while the perfectionist responds to your question. Do not interrupt the perfectionist or cut them off. Work together to come up with a compromise, rather than fight about the issue.
2
Note specific instances where you had a problem with the perfectionist. Avoid generalized statements when you discuss any issues with the perfectionist, such as “You always want everything perfect” or “Nothing I do is ever up to your perfect standards.” Instead, focus on specific instances where you feel the perfectionist overstepped your boundaries and upset you with a need for perfection.
- For example, you may notice that the perfectionist always complains about how you wash the dishes or clear the table. You may then say to the perfectionist, “I’ve noticed that you have been commenting on how I wash the dishes. I think I do a pretty good job, even if they are not perfect. Can we come to a compromise about this?”
- You should bring up issues as soon as they occur and avoid keeping your discomfort to yourself. This way, you can both address the issue and resolve it right away. Doing this also prevents you from feeling resentful or angry at the perfectionist.
3
Focus on the positives of living with a perfectionist. There are actually many positives to living with a perfectionist and focusing on them may help you to appreciate the perfectionist, especially in moments of conflict. Perfectionists are often goal driven and pay attention to the small details, which means they tend be reliable and trustworthy individuals. Because they are driven to do things perfectly, this also means they focus on doing things the right way, with no short cuts. Often perfectionists will help others get things done and show others how to do things properly.^{[11]
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- You may want to think about an instance where the perfectionist took the time to help you do something properly or helped you focus on the small, important details of a situation. For example, maybe you forgot to send important mail but the perfectionist ended up doing it for you to ensure you did not miss an important deadline. Or, maybe the perfectionist helped you fix an issue with your car and spent time doing it the right way so you do not have issues with it anymore.
4
Suggest the perfectionist seek professional help if they get out of control. Sometimes perfectionism can be taken to the extreme and result in medical conditions like obsessive compulsive disorder and panic disorder. If you notice the perfectionist is becoming more and more intense and demanding of you and of others, and this seems to correlate with outside stress or anxiety, you may want to suggest she get professional help.^{[13]
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- You should do this by sitting the perfectionist down in a quiet, private area. Start by noting that their perfectionism appears to be getting more intense and that it is becoming more challenging to live with them. You may then let them know that there is professional help available if they are struggling with other issues, like anxiety, stress, or depression, that may be triggering her perfectionism.
- Many perfectionists have a hard time admitting they are having problems, as they do not want to be seen as imperfect. If you notice something seems off with the perfectionist or they seem to be crippled or trapped by their perfectionism, you may want to suggest she see a therapist or a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist may then diagnosis the perfectionist with OCD or a panic disorder and recommend treatment options so their issues do not spiral out of control.

Expert Q&A

Question

Why are perfectionists unhappy?

Sandra Possing
Life Coach
Sandra Possing is a life coach, speaker, and entrepreneur based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Sandra specializes in one-on-one coaching with a focus on mindset and leadership transformation. Sandra received her coaching training from The Coaches Training Institute and has seven years of life coaching experience. She holds a BA in Anthropology from the University of California, Los Angeles.

Sandra Possing

Life Coach

Expert Answer

It's all about how you perfectionists view their mistakes. They tend to be overly critical whenever things don't go exactly how they want them to.
Question

How can I be easier on myself if I'm a perfectionist?

Tracy Carver, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Tracy Carver is an award-winning Licensed Psychologist based in Austin, Texas. Dr. Carver specializes in counseling for issues related to self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and psychedelic integration. She holds a BS in Psychology from Virginia Commonwealth University, an MA in Educational Psychology, and a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from The University of Texas at Austin. Dr. Carver also completed an internship in Clinical Psychology through Harvard University Medical School. She was voted one of the Best Mental Health Professionals in Austin for four years in a row by Austin Fit Magazine. Dr. Carver has been featured in Austin Monthly, Austin Woman Magazine, Life in Travis Heights, and KVUE (the Austin affiliate for ABC News).

Tracy Carver, PhD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

Try practicing a little more self-compassion. Remind yourself that you're valid, your feelings are normal, and there's nothing wrong with you. Engaging in something like meditation may really help you calm down when you feel yourself getting tough on yourself.
Question

Is it better to ignore the problem or talk about it?

Tracy Carver, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Tracy Carver is an award-winning Licensed Psychologist based in Austin, Texas. Dr. Carver specializes in counseling for issues related to self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and psychedelic integration. She holds a BS in Psychology from Virginia Commonwealth University, an MA in Educational Psychology, and a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from The University of Texas at Austin. Dr. Carver also completed an internship in Clinical Psychology through Harvard University Medical School. She was voted one of the Best Mental Health Professionals in Austin for four years in a row by Austin Fit Magazine. Dr. Carver has been featured in Austin Monthly, Austin Woman Magazine, Life in Travis Heights, and KVUE (the Austin affiliate for ABC News).

Tracy Carver, PhD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

If it's a serious issue, you should absolutely talk about it. The caveat here is that you may need to think through this a little more carefully if there's any kind of power differential in the relationship. That can really blur the lines and make it difficult to do, but it is important.