How to Not Be Shy

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Last Updated: January 11, 2023 References Approved

Shyness is a feeling of discomfort you may have in social settings, preventing you from reaching personal or social goals. Are you a shy person? Does the thought of having a conversation with a stranger make your stomach turn? Feelings like these are common and are easy to overcome with practice. Just like any undesirable trait, you can tackle shyness with the right tools.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Gaining Confidence in Yourself

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Consider what you want to change and why.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Are you bothered by a lack of social skills? Do you struggle with superficial conversations, showing your feelings, experience frequent awkward pauses in conversations, or other practical problems? Perhaps you manage to come across as sociable enough, but still wish you didn't always feel so uncomfortable and insecure.
- Also ask yourself how much you really want to change – not everyone is or can be a social butterfly. Don't waste efforts comparing yourself to others. Don't tell yourself that you should be like them. This is simply negative reinforcement, which will only make you feel like you are different, alone, and, in extreme cases, even inferior.
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Reframe your thinking. Socially anxious individuals frequently have a stream of negative thoughts running through their heads. "I look awkward," "No one is talking to me," or "I am going to look like an idiot," are all thoughts that may run on a loop. As you can probably tell, these thoughts are all negative and will only serve to keep you feeling shy and self-conscious.
- Aim to break the habit of negative thoughts by becoming aware of when you are falling prey to them and by challenging their logic. For example, just because you are nervous in a crowd or at a party does not mean you look awkward. Others around you may be getting a case of nerves, too.
- Reframing means not just taking a positive spin on your thoughts, but also a more realistic perspective. Many negative thoughts are rooted in irrational beliefs. Find evidence that disputes your negative thoughts and find another way of looking at the situation.^{[2]
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Focus your attention outward, not on yourself. This is one of the most important aspects of shyness and social anxiety. Most shy people don't do this on purpose, but often, attention is consistently drawn to yourself during conversations. This makes you self-aware and keeps a vicious cycle rotating. Research has shown this may play a key role in why people might experience panic attacks after relatively mild anxious moments.
- Rather than noticing that you are being shy, or that you may have said something embarrassing, try to take a light-hearted approach to perceived deficits. Laugh it off or carry on without bringing too much attention to what you believe is a flaw. Most people will empathize – feeling connected as a human is easier than you might think.
- Show interest in other people and/or the surroundings. You may feel like everyone is watching you, but generally, people are not judging you. Distorted perception is the culprit in this situation. Others are busy doing their own thing, and, in most cases, are not out to get you.
- A common misconception is that shy people are introverts. Introverts, in fact, enjoy solitude and recharge by spending time alone. On the contrary, people who are shy desperately want to engage with others but fear scrutiny or judgement.^{[3]
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Observe how others with confidence navigate the social scene. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Of course, you shouldn't go and do exactly what you see another person do, but watching someone who is socially adept can give you some ideas on how to handle certain situations.
- If you know these individuals well enough, you can even be candid with them and outright ask for advice. Let them know that you notice they seem to be very comfortable in social settings and see if they can give you any pointers. You might just get a surprise and find out that one of the people you admire for their social abilities is actually just as shy as you.
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See a mental health professional if you have trouble overcoming shyness on your own. Sometimes, extreme shyness is a sign of social anxiety disorder. Individuals with this disorder are terribly fearful of being scrutinized or judged by others to the point that they have little or no friendships or romantic relationships.^{[4]
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- Your mental health provider can help you to diagnose social anxiety disorder and work with you to develop healthier thought patterns and the confidence to stop avoiding people and social situations.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Talking to New People

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Be approachable. Would you approach somebody with a sour expression on their face or with their head down on their desk? Not likely. Our body language can allow others to make assumptions about us before we even speak. Refrain from looking down at your shoes and try for a small, confident smile and eye contact instead.
- Open body language sends a message to others that you are willing to interact with them. Sit leaning forward in the direction of the person you are talking to, keep your legs and arms open, and maintain a relaxed posture.
- Recognize that your body language not only determines how people perceive you but also how you perform. Research shows that certain power poses – like a relaxed posture and open arms – depict when a person is feeling in charge and victorious. On the other hand, closing in on oneself like in the fetal position depict helplessness or vulnerability.
- One popular Ted Talk shows how these positions of dominance and power are universal throughout all living things – human, primates, even birds. The speaker's premise is, if we purposefully go into these "power" positions when we are feeling insecure, we begin to believe it. This means that you have the power to control your confidence level in any given situation.^{[5]
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- Striking a power pose for two to five minutes can actually alter your brain chemistry, increasing testosterone and decreasing stress hormones. Even simply visualizing these poses can make you feel more confident and help you begin taking risks.
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Put yourself out there. The best way to meet people is to actively seek out places where you can meet people.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Go to the Fall Dance party at your school or the office Christmas get-together. Try to meet at least one person by the end of the night. Find the local Open Mic & read some poetry you wrote in your college days.
- One researcher said the best outlet for him to overcome shyness around people was to get a job at a fast food restaurant. Working at McDonald's during his adolescence forced him to interact with complete strangers on a daily basis. He is still self-conscious in some social situations, but he credits that experience with helping him to become more successful despite his shyness.
- Ask friends of yours to introduce you to some of their friends or acquaintances. This is a great way to meet new people. Plus, you don't have to worry about knowing everyone because the one person you know will act as a buffer. Talk to this person for awhile and then slowly branch out and strike up conversations with mutual friends.
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Practice talking. Even though this may sound strange, stand in front of a mirror or close your eyes; imagine yourself talking to someone. Feeling like you are prepared before you enter into an unfamiliar social setting can help you minimize anxiety. See your interactions as more like role-play in a movie. Imagine yourself as the gregarious person that draws in others. Then, get out there and put your practice to work.
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Showcase your talents. Amplifying your strengths will not only make you feel more confident when around others, but will also make you seem more interesting and inviting. For example, if you like art, consider painting sets for a play. It will be easier to shine if you feel comfortable. Find ways to engage with others that share the same passions or interests as you. You can attract many new friends simply by doing what you know and seeming to enjoy it.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
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Give sincere compliments. No need to be over the top. Some of the greatest conversations started with "I like your shirt. Did you get it at (store name)?" Compliments naturally give others a positive impression of you because you made them feel good. What's more, you are guaranteed to walk away with a smile because complimenting others makes you feel good, too.
- If you know the person, use their name when you give a compliment. Also, be specific. Don't just say "You look great" say "I like your new hairstyle. The color is really flattering with your skin tone".
- Strive to give three to five compliments a day to a variety of people that you meet on the street and in your daily activities. Try not to select the same person twice. See how many conversations get started and how many people you leave feeling better than when you met them.
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Take small steps.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Try to make progress in small, easily broken down, and identifiable steps. This gives you something new to learn every time, and you can proudly keep track of progress. Keep doing things like having conversations with new people and seeking out opportunities to connect with others. And, celebrate small wins, whether it is giving a few compliments or challenging your negative thoughts.

Strategizing to Help with Shyness

Sample Ways to Overcome Shyness

Sample Ways to Build Confidence

Expert Q&A
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Question

How can I be more confident?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Professional Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Professional Therapist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Working on yourself can help you gain self confidence. Take small steps to push your limits and boundaries, while also taking time to appreciate what you have and what you like about yourself.

Warnings

Overcoming your shyness is a big undertaking. Do not expect to be shy one day, and totally outspoken the next. It doesn't work like that. Have patience, and remember, "Rome wasn't built in a day."

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Be yourself and never let anyone put you down.

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