How to Overcome Shyness with Girls

Co-authored by Christina Jay, NLP

Shyness can be a debilitating condition for many boys and men, especially when it comes to girls. If shyness has kept you from meeting someone special, read the following steps to see how you can overcome it.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Taking It Slow

1
Give yourself a break. Don’t expect to overcome shyness 100% or overnight. Most of the people you meet and talk to have some level of shyness in different situations, too. Shyness is not black and white but on a continuum, so don’t be too hard on yourself, especially when you’re just starting out on your journey of overcoming shyness.
- A lot of other people are working to overcome shyness, too; you just can’t tell.
- If you make a blunder, forget about it. Most people are more forgiving than you think.
- Each time you talk to someone, be proud that you gave it a try.
2
Practice with a friend. When you can practice with someone you feel safe with, you can immediately get feedback and also be rewarded with praise for your efforts. This will go a long way to increasing your confidence.^{[1]
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- Practice making eye contact but not staring, having confident body language, making introductions, and asking questions.
- Practice smiling while engaging in conversation.
- Practice with a male or female to start. Practice in front of the mirror, too.
- When you’re ready, practice taking a female on a date – ask your girl cousin if she’ll play the role so you can hone your social skills. Practice Complimenting her.
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3
Take baby steps. Treat dating and shyness like a 12 step program. Start with a smile; show everyone you're friendly and approachable. Then, move up to saying "hi." A few days after that, engage in small talk. Keep going as you gradually open yourself up to people.^{[2]
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- Stop making excuses for being shy. Get out there and do something about it.
4
Develop compassion. Being compassionate is caring about other people’s happiness and putting your focus on them. Compassionate people care less about the attention being centered on themselves. The more you care about other people, the less concerned you are with how they see you, allowing you to relax in their presence and be better company ^{[3]
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- One way to practice compassion is to reach out to someone who looks like they're lonely. Ask them for a coffee or eat your lunch with them.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Becoming More Confident

1
Let things roll off your back. If you want to succeed in friendship and romance, you can't take every comment or joke as a personal affront. People sometimes say things they don't mean and you also might misinterpret what they’re saying.^{[4]
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- Self-blaming or exaggerating your faults can only harm your heart and your chances of meeting that great girl!
2
Learn to face rejection. Great boxers go in the ring knowing there's a chance they'll lose. Similarly, you can't expect to succeed every time. No one is a 100% match and not everyone will get along. Instead, view every encounter with a woman as a positive learning experience.
- By putting yourself out there and being rejected, you’ll realize that being rejected isn’t the end of the world.
- You’ll never succeed if you don’t try. Not asking means never getting that first date!
3
Be less self-conscious. Shyness and hesitation occur when you think about your flaws. Instead, focus your thoughts entirely on the woman you're talking to. You'll forget about your jitters and she'll be flattered by the attention.^{[5]
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- Remember that most people you meet are too busy worrying about what others think about them to really notice and judge you.
- Look around and realize that people aren’t laughing at you or judging you.
4
Cope with social anxiety. Conquer your fears of speaking to girls socially by building your confidence. Training similar to cognitive behavioural therapy can guide you through confidence-building exercises and you can attend groups or personal counselling, or use an app to do it on your own.^{[6]
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- There are also TED Talks for shyness that can inspire you and give you hints.^{[7]
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- Practice using real-life situations and measure your shyness and anxiety before and after. You’ll see that your shyness and anxiety decrease as you practice more and your confidence increases.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Becoming More Comfortable in Social Situations

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Get out and socialize. Join activities that you are interested in and in which you're always interacting with people, such as a team sport or a hobby club.^{[8]
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- By having to interact with your teammates, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to practice conversing.
- Get to know your teammates slowly over time and become more at ease chatting with them.
- Seek a role in the group, such as timekeeper or note taker. When you have a task to fulfill, it takes some of the pressure off chatting.^{[9]
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2
Initiate conversation. Try some icebreakers such as mentioning you’re in the same biology class or that you really like her cool purse.^{[10]
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- When you are out with your friends or family, try to initiate conversation within the group. After a while, you'll become comfortable engaging people in a casual manner.
3
Talk to someone who is alone. Chances are, she will be happy to have someone else to talk to.
- Helping a girl have a good time at a party that she was dreading will not only increase your confidence but make you feel good for helping someone out.
4
Talk to a lot of people. Don't be afraid to chat up everyone you meet, from the senior doing her groceries to the bank teller. Practice makes perfect and the more outgoing you are, the more comfortable you will become.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Christina Jay, NLP
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.}
- Slowly increasing your efforts to talk to new people is what psychologists would call graded self-exposure and is a common technique in overcoming fears.
5
Be real. Be yourself. Many girls are good at spotting braggers and show-offs and those types can be a turn off. Girls do tend to like funny guys who are just being themselves.^{[13]
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- Don't worry about a clever opening line. Though they might work on TV, most girls think they’re cheesy. Instead, start by introducing yourself and ask her how her day is going.
6
Always be prepared. When you find yourself in a group situation at school or work, be prepared to exchange pleasantries. For example, someone may ask if you're doing anything interesting over the weekend. This is a great opportunity to share something about yourself and, at the same time, extend the conversation and show interest in what she has to say.
- When you go into a new social situation, try to have an idea or two in your back pocket of something interesting you can bring up but not in a showy way.
- Don’t rehearse what you’re going to say. If you try to verbatim remember something you practiced, you might get flustered and embarrassed if you forget what you were going to say.
- When in doubt, ask her about herself. Girls love it when you show interest in them and really listen.
7
Learn to listen. Don't do all the talking. Ask open-ended questions and just sit back and listen. If the conversation lulls, have new conversation topics ready.
- Try not to monopolize the conversation talking about yourself because she might not be interested in all the same topics as you.
- Ask her questions and show that you’re really listening by asking additional questions that build on what she just told you. For example, if she mentions going away with her parents for the weekend to their cottage, don’t start talking about the cottage you went to last weekend, but instead ask her more about the cottage or her parents.
- Respond appropriately. Don’t just make it 20 questions. If she asks about you, answer her.
8
Go somewhere interesting on a date. If you are fearing the conversation part of a first date, go to a movie or other activity first so you have something mutual to discuss afterwards. If she said no, then move on with her and ask to be friends because maybe one day she will like you again.^{[14]
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