A list of relationship grievances that might just drive you crazy

You love your partner, but there’s just one thing (or a couple of things) that they do that really get under your skin. Pet peeves are totally normal to have, and by recognizing yours and talking about them with your partner, you can avoid a lot of frustration and resentment down the line. If you’re ready to learn more about yourself and how to handle annoyances, you’re in luck! Here are the top pet peeves you might encounter within your relationship, as well as expert advice on how to handle them.

Things You Should Know

  • You might get annoyed if your partner uses the silent treatment or says “I’m fine” when they’re actually upset.
  • Or, you might be irritated when your partner ignores your texts or doesn’t listen when you talk.
  • Some people also get frustrated when their partner won’t do their fair share of the chores or clean up after themselves.
1

Not responding to texts or calls

  1. It can be irritating when it feels like your partner is ignoring you. If you always make an effort to respond to your partner’s texts, it’s a bummer when it takes them hours (or even days) to reply to yours.[1] Make sure that you and your partner are on the same page about your communication styles so resentment doesn’t start to set in.
    • Some people don’t like texting that much, so they might wait a while to respond. If you’re annoyed with your partner’s texting style, have a conversation about communication and how often you’d like to talk to them throughout the week.
    • Say something like, “I really like hearing from you, especially on days we don’t see each other. I’d love it if you could make more of an effort to respond to my texts when you aren’t too busy.”
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2

Using the silent treatment

3

Not being considerate

  1. Your partner's thoughtlessness can leave you feeling unvalued. When you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s important to take their feelings into account whenever you make decisions. If you find that your partner isn’t acknowledging the things that are important to you, it can make the relationship feel unstable.[3]
    • For instance, maybe you had a really long day at work. A thoughtful partner might cancel their plans to stay in and cook dinner for you, but a thoughtless partner might ignore your feelings and go out anyway.
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4

When they say "I'm fine" (but they're not)

5

Being too close with an ex

  1. Your partner's friendly ex can strain your relationship. While it’s totally fine if your partner keeps in contact with an ex that they’re on good terms with, there needs to be some solid boundaries in place. If you feel threatened by an ex or like your partner is keeping an ex on the backburner, that’s a red flag.[5]
    • Ask your partner to set clear boundaries, like not hanging out with their ex alone. Let them know that you need them to uphold these boundaries in order to maintain trust in the relationship.
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6

Being late or unreliable

  1. When your partner's always late, it feels like they don't value your time. It’s one thing if your partner is running a few minutes late, but it’s another if you’re constantly waiting on them for hours. Someone who’s chronically late might need to work on their time management skills, but it doesn’t mean they can’t get better at it.[6]
    • If you’re in a relationship with someone who’s always late, let them know just how much punctuality means to you. “I understand that things sometimes come up, but I’m tired of waiting for hours every time we meet up. I need you to let me know when you’re going to be late.”
7

Acting differently around friends or family

  1. Personality switches can make your partner seem disingenuous. Maybe your partner is sweet, caring, and kind one-on-one, but they turn into someone else entirely when they’re out with friends or around their family. Usually, this indicates that they might be insecure, but it’s still not a fun thing to witness in a romantic relationship.[7]
    • Try pointing out the changes you see to your partner, then asking them why they’re acting differently. They might not even notice that they’re changing up their behavior around different people.
    • Say something like, “I’ve noticed that when we hang out with your friends from college, you get a little rowdy. Are you trying to impress them?”
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10

Comparing your relationship to others’

  1. Constant comparisons can be exhausting to listen to. There’s an old saying, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and when it comes to relationships, that’s definitely true. Everyone’s partnership is different, and hearing your partner compare your relationship to someone else’s can be tiring after a while.[10]
    • If you find your partner compares your relationship to other people’s a lot, let them know that it’s starting to hurt your feelings. Hopefully, they’ll understand and focus on making your relationship great for you two (instead of other people).
    • Say something like, “Let’s focus on our relationship, not anyone else’s. I love you for you, not because you measure up well against other people.”
11

Talking about your flaws to other people

  1. If your partner says hurtful things about you, then that's not cool. We all vent about our partners to close friends every once in a while. But badmouthing takes things to a whole new level. If your partner talks about your flaws or discusses relationship issues with people a lot, it can lead to a lack of trust in the relationship.[11]
    • Set boundaries with your partner on what you can and can’t talk about with other people. It’s important to trust your partner, so make sure you both know what you should and shouldn’t be talking about with friends.
    • “I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t tell your friends about our relationship problems. It makes me feel like our fights are public knowledge.”
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12

Never apologizing

  1. If your partner never takes accountability, it can make you resent them. Have you noticed that whenever your partner is in the wrong, they never say “I’m sorry”? Someone who doesn’t own up to their actions can be tough to reason with, and it might be hard to ever get them to admit their mistakes.[12]
    • It can be tough for some people to apologize, and that can be for many reasons. Let your partner know that you’d really appreciate hearing them say “I’m sorry” so that you can have some closure and move on after a fight.
    • “I know you might be over it, but I think I need to hear an apology before we can move on.”
14

Poor hygiene

  1. Not showering or keeping up with oral hygiene is just yucky. Especially if you and your partner are physically intimate, they should always make sure they’re smelling good before you hang out with them. If your partner falls behind on their hygiene habits, it can make for a pretty gross makeout sesh.[14]
    • If your partner’s hygiene standards are subpar, gently remind them to shower, brush their teeth, or wash their face. Hopefully, they’ll get the hint that if they want to keep you around, they need to put at least a little effort into how they look (and smell).
15

Trying to change you

  1. Trying to change another human being usually ends in heartbreak. We can change small things about ourselves, but the bigger things, like core values and morals, are usually pretty set in stone. If your partner is trying to change you into their ideal version, your relationship may feel strained.[15]
    • If you notice this in your relationship, let your partner know that you are who you are, and they aren’t going to be able to change you. For some people, this might be a dealbreaker.
    • “I’m willing to make some changes for you, but not about the important stuff. If you can’t accept me for who I am, maybe we should just go our separate ways.”
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16

Saying “I told you so”

17

Taking you for granted

  1. Your partner might leave you feeling unappreciated. Sure, you might like doing little things for your partner, like making them lunch or surprising them with a gift. But when your partner starts to expect these things from you (and doesn’t even say thank you), that’s when a relationship can start to feel strained.[17]
    • Your partner might not even realize that you feel taken advantage of. Sit your partner down and let them know how you’ve been feeling so they can adjust their behavior.
    • “I love doing nice things for you, but I feel like you’ve come to expect them now. It would really make me feel loved and appreciated if I got a ‘thank you’ every now and then.”
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18

Controlling behavior

  1. If your partner tries to control you, that's a red flag. Maybe your partner tries to tell you who you can and can’t hang out with, or they ask to look through your phone all the time. This usually signifies that your partner doesn’t trust you, which can really take a toll on the relationship over time.[18]
    • Controlling behavior can be annoying, but it can also escalate into something bigger. Let your partner know that this behavior isn’t okay so they can work on eliminating their trust issues.
    • “I’ve given you no reason to doubt my trust over the years. I really need you to work on this so we can have a stable relationship.”
22

Being messy

  1. No one wants to live in a messy home. However, some people have a different threshold for mess and clutter than others. It might sound like no big deal, but if you and your partner aren’t on the same page about how clean the house should be, it can lead to issues later on.[22]
    • Talk to your partner about an acceptable level of mess, and try to compromise with each other. Living together is all about balance, and you may both have to make some adjustments to your lifestyle.
    • “I know you don’t mind the dirty dishes in the sink, but I do. Could we load them in the dishwasher when we’re done eating?”
23

Not listening when you talk

  1. If your partner never listens to you, it can leave you feeling invisible. Maybe your partner looks like they’re listening to you, but when you talk about it later, they can’t remember a single thing you said. When this keeps happening, it might make you feel like your partner doesn’t value what you have to say.[23]
    • When you have something important to tell your partner, ask them to get rid of any distractions and really listen to you. Over time, they may just start to implement active listening skills on their own.
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24

Snoring

  1. Loud snoring can disrupt your sleep, which makes for cranky mornings. While it might not sound like a big deal, if one partner snores and refuses to do anything about it, the other person isn’t going to be very happy. Not getting enough sleep can lead to fatigue, bad moods, and even mental health issues.
    • Let your partner know how much their snoring impacts your mood and everyday life, then ask them to go to a doctor to get it checked out.[24] If they drag their feet or refuse, consider sleeping separately so you can get some rest.
28

Being rude to others

29

Letting you make all the decisions

  1. If your partner can’t make a decision to save their life, it can be tiring. When you ask them what they want for dinner: I don’t know, you choose! If you hand them the remote to pick a TV show: I don’t know, what do you want to watch? These small indecisions can lead to decision fatigue for the other person.[28]
    • Tell your partner that you really value their opinion, and you want them to have an equal say in your relationship. “I hope you aren’t just agreeing with me to keep the peace. I want to know what you have to say to make sure you’re happy.”
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31

Always expecting you to pay

  1. If you always foots the bill, it'll likely get old fast. Sure, it’s fine to treat your partner every now and then. But if your partner always scooches the check to your side of the table when it’s time to leave, you’re probably not going to be happy about it.[30]
    • Have a discussion with your partner about paying your equal share in the relationship. Let them know that while you do like treating them every once in a while, they need to start paying for more things before you start getting resentful.
    • “You know I love taking you out, but my budget just can’t handle paying for everything all the time. Could we start splitting the bill?”
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Expert Q&A

  • Question
    What should I do if my partner acts clingy?
    Erika Kaplan
    Erika Kaplan
    Relationship Advisor
    Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.
    Erika Kaplan
    Relationship Advisor
    Expert Answer
    Set boundaries for what you're comfortable with, but try to meet your partner in the middle and compromise to ensure you both feel secure in the relationship.
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  1. https://www.psypost.org/2015/07/psychologists-explain-what-happens-when-people-compare-their-partner-to-someone-elses-36051
  2. https://psychcentral.com/blog/complaining-about-your-partner-to-your-friends-why-you-should-stop#1
  3. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201305/5-reasons-why-some-people-will-never-say-sorry
  4. https://www.today.com/health/your-partner-s-annoying-habits-how-deal-t101956
  5. https://beathalitosis.com/bad-breath/bad-breath-relationships/
  6. https://psychcentral.com/lib/i-love-you-now-change-2#1
  7. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hope-relationships/201309/i-told-you-so
  8. https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/being-taken-granted
  9. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-of-a-controlling-partner
  10. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-files/201804/what-if-your-partner-is-jealous
  11. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling/
  12. https://psychcentral.com/lib/selfishness-in-couples-narcissism-lack-of-interpersonal-skills-or-something-else#1
  13. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200705/advice-my-boyfriend-is-messy
  14. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201407/why-doesnt-shehe-listen-me-10-possibilities
  15. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/snoring/symptoms-causes/syc-20377694
  16. https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-stop-complaining-in-a-relationship
  17. https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a59581/struggles-of-sharing-a-bathroom-with-men/
  18. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201603/why-our-partners-embarrass-us
  19. https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/4-signs-your-relationship-is-based-on-inequality/
  20. https://ideas.ted.com/how-to-split-the-chores-with-your-partner-minus-the-drama-and-fighting/
  21. https://www.forbes.com/sites/kimelsesser/2020/02/12/who-should-pay-for-dates-how-chivalry-contributes-to-the-gender-pay-gap/?sh=6b9cac253fa3
  22. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201907/stop-seeking-validation-others

About This Article

Erika Kaplan
Co-authored by:
Relationship Advisor
This article was co-authored by Erika Kaplan and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.
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Updated: March 20, 2023
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