How to Respond when Someone Breaks Up with You

Co-authored by Laura Richer and Eric McClure

Last Updated: October 26, 2021 References

Breakups are difficult, and if you suspect your current partner is about to end things (or you’ve just left the conversation where they did), it can be hard to know exactly what to say or do in response. While you may feel the urge to lash out or let your ex know about every single thing you hate about them, it’s generally a good idea to take the high road and tackle this as maturely as possible. Heartbreak isn’t fun, but you should know that this will absolutely get better. It’s might sting right now, but there are plenty of things you can do to get you through this hard time and start moving on.

1

Stay calm.

Take a deep breath and don’t do anything rash. Everything is going to be okay in the end, even if it doesn’t necessarily feel that way right now. In the moment, do you best to relax and keep a cool, level head. You may be tempted to lash out or do something rash, which is totally understandable, but it’s not going to be productive.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} Take a long, deep breath, hold it for a moment, and exhale slowly. You’re going to get through this.^{[2]
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- It may help to repeat a positive phrase over and over again. Something like, “It’s going to be okay,” or, “This is going to pass.” That might help you relax in the moment—even if you only say it in your head.

2

Curb your initial reaction.

You’re likely going to feel overwhelmed, so just hit the pause button. You’re going to have a lot of emotions swarming you all at once. If you feel like you’re about to act out, take a second. You don’t need to do anything right now.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} You may be tempted to respond immediately, but it’s best if you keep your initial response as minimal as possible.^{[4]
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- You can simply tell your ex, “Hold on, please, I need a moment,” or, “Give me a second, this a lot and I just need to think real quick.”
- If you do need to just get up and leave during a breakup conversation, you can. They’re breaking up with you, and you don’t necessarily owe them anything. However, you may have questions or things you need to say. If you leave and you don’t get to say what you need to say, you may end up regretting it.

3

Collect your thoughts before you respond.

Measure your initial response once you’re ready to reply. Before you say what you’re about to say, run through the words in your head. You don’t have control over what your ex-partner is doing right now, but you do have control over what you say.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} When you’re ready, share what you need to say. If you aren’t ready, that’s totally okay, too.^{[6]
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- You might say, “This is coming to me as a total shock, and I’m really not sure why you’re doing this. I feel like you could at least explain your reasoning here.”
- You could even say, “I’m exceptionally upset right now. I thought things were going really well with us. What went wrong?”
- Alternatively, you could play it cooler with something like, “I had a suspicion something like this might happen. I understand, and I’m sure this is for the best.”

4

Ask questions if you have them.

There’s nothing worse than not knowing, so ask now if you have to. If there are unresolved questions surrounding your relationship or you want to know more about why they’re breaking up with you, ask away. Some people prefer not knowing—and that’s fine if that’s how you feel—but if the curiosity is going to keep you up at night, go ahead and ask.^{[7]
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Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} Just remember, whatever they say, you’re not the person choosing to break up.^{[8]
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- You could ask the standard questions like, “Did you meet somebody else?” and, “Why are you breaking up with me?”
- Asking “Is there something I did?” is totally okay, but keep in mind that it opens the door for them to take the blame off of themselves. Don’t let them! They’re breaking up with you—you didn’t do this to yourself.
- Other common questions might include, “What went wrong?” or, “What do you think we could have done differently?”

5

Say what you need to say.

If you have anything you want to share, feel free to let it out. Just do your best not to start hurling insults or lashing out. It might temporarily make you feel better, but it accomplishes nothing.^{[9]
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Research source} Keep your chin up and try to keep a cool and level head as you share your truth.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} If you do want to say something negative, try to be respectful about it. The high road is the best road in this case.^{[11]
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- You could tell them, “I’ll always cherish the time we had, and I’m happy to have had you in my life,” or, “I’m going to need some time, but I hope eventually we can be friends.”
- You may say, “I’m thankful for all of the time we spent together, and while I wish you weren’t breaking up with me, I’m sure I’ll come out stronger on the other side.”
- You might also say, “I’m not going to sugarcoat this. I think you’re being really unfair, and the fact that you never tried to address this problem before breaking up with me feels immature.”

6

Respect their decision.

No amount of pleading will convince them to not break up with you.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} This might sound harsh, but if you did convince them to stay with you, would you want to be in a relationship where you know they wanted to break up, but didn’t? Maintain your dignity and don’t try to beg or anything like that. That sounds like tough advice, but you’re not going to get anything out of asking them not to break up with you.^{[13]
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- It’s understandable that you have an impulse to get defensive and try to compromise over this. But unfortunately, no good can come from it. If they agree, you’re in a relationship where you know the other person wants to break up, and if they don’t agree, then you may just feel worse about yourself for trying to talk your way out of it.

7

Take a minute to craft a measured response to a text.

If they break up over text, take your time to respond. The temptation to craft an off-the-cuff response is going to be immense, but you have all the time in the world. Cool off for a few minutes and collect yourself. Once you’ve assessed how you want to respond, craft your message. It’s generally going to be best to respond in a measured way, even if they’ve chosen a particularly immature way to break up with you.^{[14]
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- If you want to talk about it, you can say, “This isn’t a conversation for text. If you want to break up, fine. Let’s talk about it.”
- If you want to be graceful, you might say, “I understand. I appreciate you being straightforward with what you want. I enjoyed our time together,” or, “I don’t love that you chose to do this over text, but I get it. I’ll look back fondly on our relationship.”
- If they’re being especially cruel, just hit them with “K,” or, “Alright, when can I come get my stuff from your apartment.” If they’re going to act like a child, just don’t engage; they’ll feel way worse about this later on.

8

Go “no contact” after you breakup.

The temptation to call them a few days later will be immense, but don’t. It’s almost always going to be more productive if you implement a “no contact” policy. Now is the time to focus on yourself, and going back to your ex is going to conjure up all kinds of false security and confusing feelings. Block them on social media, delete your old texts to avoid ruminating over them, and take your time to process your feelings.^{[15]
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- If you want to revisit what happened to your relationship, ask questions, or try to be friends again, that’s fine. But you should likely think about doing that months (or even years) from now. For now, just focus on yourself.^{[16]
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- There are no hard and fast rules here. If you’re emotionally ready to reach out after a month, go for it. If you still aren’t ready a year later, don’t worry about it.

9

Surround yourself with people you love.

It’s hard to do this on your own, so reach out to friends and family. You can talk to your friends about what you’re going through, or simply say, “I could really use a friend right now, can we hang out?” Hang out with supportive friends and family while you’re working through your loss. It may feel like the last thing you want to do right now, but you’ll feel much better if you’re around people who help you relax, laugh, and enjoy yourself.^{[17]
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- If you want to talk to them about what you’re going through, do it! There’s nothing wrong with using a friend or family member as a platform to talk about what you’re feeling.
- If going out and dating again is going to make you feel better, go for it! It may not be the best time to jump into anything serious, but it’s perfectly okay to go see other people.^{[18]
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10

Accept your feelings as they develop.

You’re going to have all kinds of emotions, and that’s okay.^{[19]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} You might be seething with anger, or you may feel totally helpless. Maybe you’re mourning, or maybe you’re simply confused. A breakup can be a traumatic and upsetting event, and it’s totally normal to feel like your head and heart are spinning out of control. Regardless, it’s important to recognize that whatever you feel is valid, and there’s nothing wrong with you for experiencing this one way or another.^{[20]
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- It’s essential that you understand that just because someone is breaking up with you does not mean that you did anything wrong. You may have a temptation to blame yourself here, but remember that they’re breaking up with you—not the other way around.
- If you need to cry, feel free to cry. Just make sure—no matter what you do—that you do not get physical, break something, or make a scene. It may not feel like it right now, but things will get better eventually, and there’s no good reason to do something that may put you in harm’s way or get you in trouble.

11

Move on and keep your head up.

It may be hard to picture things getting better now, but they will. Heartbreak is hard, and things may be unpleasant now but you can get past this.^{[21]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source} Do your best to exercise and get enough sleep. Try to pursue things you enjoy, and find productive ways to occupy your time. Remember, you are valid and loved, and while things may seem hard right now, they will absolutely get better in the future.^{[22]
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- If you need to talk to someone, there’s no shame in going to see a counselor or therapist.^{[23]
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- Alcohol or drugs may temporarily mask whatever you’re feeling, but you’re just going to wake up feeling worse than you did the day before. Find healthy, productive ways to cope with what you’re experiencing.^{[24]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do you deal with a breakup when you still love them?

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.

Laura Richer

Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Expert Answer

Focus on taking responsibility for your own feelings. It perfectly valid to feel a lot of different things in the moment, whether that's rejection, hurt, or anger. Still, it's important to own those feelings instead of blaming or shaming the person who's ending the relationship.
Question

How can you reverse a breakup?

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.

Laura Richer

Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Expert Answer

See if your ex is willing to work on and repair some of the issues that were hurting your relationship. Couples therapy could be a great way for you both to have structured conversations about some difficult issues.
Question

How do you know if it's right to end a relationship?

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.

Laura Richer

Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Expert Answer

Ultimately, you should be in a relationship with someone who respects you and wants to be with you. If that connection isn't there, it's okay to let go, process the grief, and move forward.

Warnings

Under no condition should you “check in” on them on social media. You’re just going to feel worse, and no good will come from it. Either delete your accounts (at least for a while) or block them so you don’t see their posts.^{[25]
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Throwing a tantrum on social media about how bad of a person your ex is might feel good in the moment, but you’re more likely to regret it later on.^{[26]
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