How Do You Stop Being a Pathological Liar? 9 Ways to Choose Honesty and Improve Yourself

Co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS and Madeleine Criglow

Last Updated: May 11, 2022 References

Pathological lying is an often misunderstood and complicated behavior. Telling a few lies every now and then doesn't make you a pathological liar; however, if you're unable to stop lying, use lies to manipulate others, or your lies are significantly affecting your life, you might be struggling with pathological lying.^{[1]
X
Research source} Learning to stop lying can be a tough road, but you're already well on your way through seeking help.

This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist and published author, Asa Don Brown. Check out the full interview here.

1

Silence negative thoughts about yourself.

You don't need to lie to impress people. If you ever find yourself thinking that you aren't good enough as you are, you may be tempted to lie to make yourself sound better. Instead of lying, remind yourself of all your positive qualities. These are the things to emphasize, not lies that will temporarily impress people or make them like you.^{[2]
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Research source}
- Let's say you want to impress a coworker by telling her you've seen her favorite movie. If you haven't seen it, just be honest. Talk about all the cool movies you really have seen instead!
- Say something like, "I've never seen that. I'll have to check it out!"
- Write down some of your negative thoughts and see what patterns you notice. Then, flip the script by reminding yourself about what's really true.^{[3]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jennifer Butler, MSW
  Love & Empowerment Coach
  Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.}

2

Accept the consequences of your actions.

Avoid lying to prevent an undesired outcome. When you make a mistake, don't jump to making excuses.^{[4]
X
Expert Source

Jennifer Butler, MSW
Love & Empowerment Coach
Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.} Instead, acknowledge what you did honestly.^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} Then, take responsibility through apologizing and remedying the situation as best you can. This can be really hard and it takes work, but living an honest life you feel good about is an amazing payoff.^{[6]
X
Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- If you hurt your friend's feelings, don't blame them for it or cite your bad day as an excuse. Be honest and say that you're sorry.
- Maybe you forgot to water your roommate's plants. Don't lie and say you did even when they come home to find that the plants are wilted. Admit that you made a mistake and apologize.
- You may not always be forgiven for your mistakes, but people will likely respect you for owning up to your actions.
- Accepting responsibility is much more empowering than approaching the situation from a victim mentality.^{[7]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jennifer Butler, MSW
  Love & Empowerment Coach
  Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.}

3

Don't leave out important details.

This is called lying by omission.^{[8]
X
Research source} Whenever you're talking to someone, don't omit details that make you look bad or hide aspects of the story from them. Let's say you got dinner with your ex-girlfriend but are afraid to tell your partner. Don't just tell them that you got dinner with an old friend or neglect sharing who you got dinner with at all. Tell the truth so that you can have an honest, open conversation about it.^{[9]
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Research source}
- This is part of holding yourself accountable for your behavior.^{[10]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.}

4

Work through conflict honestly.

Sometimes people lie to avoid disagreeing with someone. This people-pleasing behavior can leave you feeling resentful and disconnected from the person you lied to. To build connections based on open communication and trust, be honest when a conflict arises. It opens the door for a deeper connection with someone, even if it can be a little difficult to speak up.^{[11]
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Research source}
- Let's say your partner often forgets to put their laundry away and it really bothers you. Don't tell them that you're fine with it just to avoid a disagreement. Instead, give them the opportunity to know how you feel.
- Say something direct and respectful, like, "I totally understand that you've been busy, but would you be able to put away the laundry sometime tonight?"

5

Think before you speak.

Take the time to process your thoughts so you don't lie compulsively. If you find yourself lying often without your control, pause for a moment before you contribute to discussions or answer questions. This can give you time to think of an honest response instead of a lie.^{[12]
X
Trustworthy Source
Go Ask Alice
Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University
Go to source}
- Next time your boss asks if you completed your last assignment, take a moment to pause. Ask yourself, "Did I complete everything they asked me to do?" If the answer is no, be honest.

6

Be honest with yourself.

Make sure you don't believe your own lies. Sometimes it's hard to accept a difficult truth. Maybe you have a really hard time saving money because of an online shopping habit that's gotten out of hand. It might be easier to tell yourself that everything is fine and that you don't have a problem. In order to really find a solution to the issue and avoid lying to yourself (and others), you have to reflect honestly on things that you don't want to admit.^{[13]
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Research source}
- Everyone messes up sometimes. Reflecting honestly on your behavior can help you heal and prevent making the same mistakes in the future. Lying will not help in the long run.^{[14]
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  Research source}

7

Note every time you lie in a journal.

This can help you recognize any patterns and stop the behavior. In order to stop lying, you have to acknowledge when you do it. Write down the lies you tell throughout the day and reflect on why you told them. This can help you become more aware of what motivates you to lie, whether it be insecurity or a desire to please others.^{[15]
X
Trustworthy Source
Go Ask Alice
Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University
Go to source}
- This honest reflection can be very therapeutic. Treat your journal like a safe space to process your emotions and recognize what you can do to improve.

8

Talk to a mental health professional.

A therapist or counselor can help you understand the root of your lying. There are a lot of factors that cause people to lie, like low self-esteem, social awkwardness, and impulsivity.^{[16]
X
Research source} Seek out the help of a professional to explore the underlying issues that may be causing you to lie. Get a referral from your doctor or search online for a professional in your area.^{[17]
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Research source}
- Though it may be hard, be honest with your therapist or counselor when you meet with them. A professional is there to help you, and they won't judge you for your struggles or behavior.

9

Seek help for an underlying mental health condition.

Pathological lying can also be a symptom of a mental health disorder. These include narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder. If you think your lying may actually be an underlying symptom, know that help is available. Talking to a mental health professional like a counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist can give you the resources you need.^{[18]
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Research source}
- Other symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder include a sense of superiority over others, difficulty maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships, and underlying feelings of low self-esteem and intense shame.^{[19]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
- Attributes of antisocial personality disorder include dismissal of right and wrong, violent or aggressive behaviors, and abusive or unhealthy interpersonal relationships.^{[20]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
- The symptoms of borderline personality disorder include an intense fear of being abandoned, depression, and recurrent mood swings.^{[21]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Cleveland Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}

Expert Q&A

Question

What is the root cause of pathological lying?

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

While the root cause of pathological lying isn't known, some people learn to lie pathologically as children. They do this to receive something, to achieve something, to avoid a consequence for a deed done wrong, or to place the blame upon another.
Question

Can you recover from being a pathological liar?

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Absolutely—just don't expect it to happen overnight. Many pathological liars become hooked on lying at a very young age, as it helps them achieve a certain outcome or manifest their personal ambitions, goals, and desires. Still, pathological lying can be managed and eventually eliminated from an individual's life.