How to Respond to Negging

Co-authored by Allison Broennimann, PhD and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: June 13, 2022

Have you ever had someone flirt with you by insulting you? Oddly enough, this tactic, called negging, is a form of manipulation that some people use to express interest in others. Receiving a backhanded compliment isn’t fun for anyone, so it’s important to know how to respond to negging and shut it down quickly. In this article, we’ll give you expert-backed tips on how to stop negging and free yourself from manipulative behavior.

1

Ignore them.

Giving someone the cold shoulder works best on strangers. If you just met someone and they immediately try negging you, they’re probably doing it as a “pickup” tactic. This shows that they aren’t a very great person, and they’re probably not worth chatting with. Simply turn around and walk away, or delete their number if you two are texting.^{[1]
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- Some people will use negging as a way to get women interested in them. While it sounds silly, the thought is that by lowering your self-esteem, you’ll work that much harder to keep them interested.

2

Say “Thank you.”

Move the conversation forward with a short reply. If you don’t want to engage with them further but you don’t feel safe ignoring them, a simple “Thanks” is a great way to throw them off. This lets them know that you probably don’t want to talk anymore, and they should probably move onto a different subject.^{[2]
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- When people use negging as a flirting tactic, they expect you to defend yourself or ask them what they mean. If you don’t engage them, they don’t have much to work with, so it’s more likely that they’ll just move on.

3

Acknowledge the positive in their comment.

Pretend like you don’t get the rude part of their comment to shut them down. If you’re looking for something a little snarky to say when someone negs you, try taking their compliment at face-value. Since they didn’t mean it 100% sincerely, your reaction might just confuse them enough that they back off.^{[3]
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- If someone says, “You look great! You’d look even better if you lost a few pounds,” you could try, “Thank you! I’ve actually been working out a lot lately, so I should lose some more weight soon.”
- If someone says, “I love your outfit! You really don’t care about other people’s opinions, huh?” you might try, “Thanks! I’ve been working on raising my self-esteem and ignoring people’s opinions, so that means a lot to me.”

4

Use humor to defuse the situation.

Make fun of the negging to show them how silly it is. When someone offers you a backhanded compliment, a great way to shut them down is to point out just how hilarious their comment was. Since people who neg others are usually insecure, laughing at them might be just the thing that gets them to stop.^{[4]
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- If you hear, “Your sister is in awesome shape. Maybe you should get some advice from her,” you could say something like, “Wow, sounds like you want to date my sister! Maybe I should give you her number.”
- If they say, “Are you really going to eat all that?” you could try, “Yup, I am! Why, does that intimidate you?”

5

Respond with kindness to rise above negging.

Show the person what a healthy compliment looks like. You never want to stoop down to their level—it only shows them that their behavior is acceptable. Instead, offer them kind, genuine compliments to model what a good friendship or relationship is supposed to be.^{[5]
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- “You got that promotion? I’m so proud of you! I know you worked really hard.”
- “You look amazing tonight! I love your outfit.”

6

Address their insult head on.

Share your feelings about negging if you two are close. If the person negging you is your partner or a close friend, open up to them about their comments and what they’re doing to you. If they care about your feelings, they’ll stop their behavior and work on being nicer.^{[6]
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Research source}Use “I” statements to make it all about your feelings so the other person doesn’t feel attacked.
- “When you give me backhanded compliments, I feel like you’re trying to embarrass me.”
- “Sometimes it feels like you’re constantly trying to one-up me. I don’t want to be in a competition with you.”

7

Make it clear that they need to change.

Set boundaries so they know that negging isn’t okay. Setting boundaries helps you take space for yourself, which is important if you’re in a manipulative relationship. While negging can sound innocent at first, it can actually develop into a form of verbal abuse. If your partner is negging you or trying to lower your self-esteem, tell them that they need to stop, or you’ll have to rethink the relationship.^{[7]
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- “I want this relationship to work, but I can’t stay in it unless you stop putting me down.”
- “If your behavior doesn’t change, I’m going to have to end things.”

8

Reach out to friends and family for advice.

Your support network can offer their opinion on your situation. Sometimes, verbal abuse and negging can be hard to spot when it’s happening to you. If you aren’t sure about your relationship or if you feel wary about what’s going on, reach out to your loved ones. They can help support you and tell you if your partner’s behavior is okay or not.^{[8]
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- You can also talk to a couple’s counselor for the opinion of an unbiased third party.

9

End the relationship if nothing changes.

Staying with someone who negs you will hurt you in the long run. If you’ve talked to your partner about their behavior but nothing’s changed, it’s time to end things. Make a plan to leave the relationship safely, and reach out to your friends and family if you need help getting out of your situation.^{[9]
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- Negging often goes hand in hand with gaslighting, which is when someone tries to get you to question your version of reality.Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse, and it’s a sign that you need to end the relationship right away.
- Remember, your safety is your top priority. If you are in an abusive relationship and you need help, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 800-799-7233.