How to Support an Insecure Girl (10 Helpful Things to Say)

Co-authored by Connell Barrett and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: August 25, 2021 References

We’ve all felt insecure at one point or another, but some of us are simply insecure about everything. If you’re in a relationship with an insecure girl or you have a loved one who is super insecure, it can be tough to figure out what to say in the moment. Thankfully, there are a few tried and true ways that you can assist someone with their insecurities while reminding them how much you love and care for them.

1

Discuss her concerns.

Don’t just brush them under the rug or try to move on. If you notice that your partner or your loved one is feeling insecure, sit them down and have a talk about it. It will help her feel better if she can express herself in a safe way without feeling judged.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
Child Mind Institute
Nonprofit organization providing evidence-based care for children with mental health and learning disorders and their families
Go to source}
- If she never expresses her insecurities, she’ll just keep ruminating on them in her head.

2

Encourage her to express her emotions.

Talk about what she’s feeling when she’s insecure. Maybe she’s scared that you’re going to leave the relationship, or perhaps she’s worried she won’t be good enough for you. If she’s insecure about her looks, she might be nervous that she doesn’t live up to societal beauty standards.^{[2]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
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- You can encourage her to talk about her feelings by saying something like, “I want to know what’s going on in your head. Can you talk to me about what you’ve been going through?”^{[3]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Connell Barrett
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.}

3

Sympathize with what she’s feeling.

Let her know that her feelings are valid. Even if you can’t quite relate to them or you don’t understand where she’s coming from, you can still tell her that it’s okay to have emotions. The more validated she feels, the more she’ll open up to you in the future.^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source
Child Mind Institute
Nonprofit organization providing evidence-based care for children with mental health and learning disorders and their families
Go to source}
- You could say something like, “I understand you’re having a lot of negative thoughts. That must be super hard to deal with.”

4

Don’t join in negative self-talk.

Insecure people often look for validation in others. If you hear her talking about how ugly her body is or how no one will ever love her, try not to engage. Don’t push her to talk about her feelings, but don’t tell her that she’s right, either.^{[5]
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- If you encounter her saying something negative about herself, you could say, “Interesting. Why do you feel that way?” to open up a conversation.
- If you’d like to, you can gently disagree with anything negative she says about herself. However, be prepared for some push back, as she might insist that she’s right and you’re wrong.

5

Remind her of her good qualities.

What are a few things you love about her? Tell her how much she means to you by giving her a few compliments. If she’s insecure about her body, stay away from ones that have to do with her physical appearance. You could say things like:^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
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- “You always know how to make me laugh.”
- “You’re such a good friend.”
- “You’re so talented!”
- “You can pick up any skill so easily.”

6

Counter her insecurities with reason.

Insecurities are often based in half-truths or misconceptions. If you can, try to counteract her insecure thoughts with questions like, “Is that true?” or, “Why do you think that?” If you can talk things out logically, you may be able to help her see the flaws in her thinking patterns.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- You could also say, “Have I ever said anything to make you believe that?” or, “Give me one piece of evidence that makes that true.”

7

Model security in your own self-talk.

Be a positive role model so she can model it. Try not to talk badly about yourself, and instead remain confident when you talk about your body or your relationships. If she sees you do it, she’ll be more likely to start being confident and secure in her own life.^{[8]
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- For instance, if a friend hasn’t texted you back, you could say, “Hm, I bet they’re just busy. It’s probably nothing to do with me.”
- If you’ve gained weight recently, you might say, “I’ve gained a little bit of weight, but I still look good!”

8

Try not to call her insecure.

Unfortunately, that could make her insecurity worse. Although it can be frustrating at times to deal with an insecure person, letting her know that you’ve picked up on her insecurities can make her feel vulnerable. Avoid attacking her with the word “insecure” even if it describes her perfectly.^{[9]
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- Some insecure people also get insecure about being perceived as an insecure person. The more you lift her up and help her build her confidence, the better.

9

Tell her that you love her.

This is especially important if you’re in a relationship with her. Tell her that you’re always going to love her no matter what, and that no one can get in between you two. The more confident that she feels in your relationship, the more she can work on her own insecurities.^{[10]
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Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- This is also important if you’re a parent to an insecure child. Remind her that no matter what she’s feeling, you’ll always be there to back her up.

10

Encourage her to talk to a mental health professional.

Insecurity can take a toll on relationships. If you’re in a relationship with someone who’s insecure or you have a loved one dealing with self-esteem issues, a therapist can help them work through those feelings. Tell them that it’s okay to feel insecure, but they’ll probably feel a whole lot better if they learn how to cope with those feelings in a healthy way.^{[11]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- Some people are nervous about talking to a mental health professional, and that’s okay. If you’ve ever been to one yourself, tell your loved one about the experience and how much it helped you.