How to Accept Your Boyfriend's Interest in Pornography

Talk to your boyfriend about it. Have an open and honest discussion about how his porn use makes you feel. Let him know what you're thinking and feeling, what doubts you have, and ask him some questions about his views on pornography. You'll feel better if you put your feelings out there and let him know what you're thinking and feeling. If he respects you, he'll respect your views and will take the time to listen to you.^[1] You can even ask him about his reasons for watching it, if you like, if you are concerned that he is aroused for the wrong reasons.

• Just know that many men view their porn watching as a very private activity, just like masturbation, and your boyfriend may not want to discuss every little detail with you.
• If you can both be open and understanding of one another, that is a good sign that you can grow together intimately with or without porn.

Don't try to ban it, but establish each other's boundaries to the relationship. Unfortunately, if you know you are not okay with porn and you try to keep your significant other from watching it, you may fall into a pattern of being the "porn police". This behavior causes distrust in the relationship, and can cause him to keep his porn use hidden from you, or cause tension and discomfort while talking about the subject. If you feel okay with the porn, the concept of keeping him from watching it should not arise. If it is only certain genres of porn that upset you, make sure to talk about this with him and let him know why it makes you feel the ways you do. If you are unsure, try to imagine yourself watching porn, or maybe you do watch porn. If you can understand the reasons he may have for watching porn or the reasons you enjoy watching porn, you can mutually grow and include the porn into your sex life. Understand your feelings before you act. If you feel tempted to snoop, or pick through his search history, you may find at the end of that road even more distrust and dishonesty. If your boyfriend is okay with you watching porn, and he also thinks it is okay for him to watch porn then the two of you can have a better, open conversation on how you can incorporate it into your bedroom and fulfill each other's fantasies.

• Porn is a substance that can be addictive, and if you believe that he may have an issue based off of how the porn effects your relationship, he also has to see that. If he agrees with you and would like to stop using porn not only for the relationship, but also for himself. You can grow together, although it will not be easy and the use of counseling, couples counseling, or online programs like No Fap, will help significantly. If your boyfriend does not see eye-to-eye with you and how you feel, he will most likely do nothing to change, and you cannot change him even if you try.
• If he chooses to stop using porn, he will still masturbate and he'll still have fantasies. If you are thinking of banning porn to make your boyfriend only think of you sexually, that is not reasonable. Men and women both fantasize about people who are not their lover, it could be movie stars, people from real life, a cartoon, whatever it may be... It is hypocritical to believe that you can have freedom over your fantasies and he can not.

Try not to be paranoid during your time together. When you and your boyfriend are hanging out watching TV, going for a run, or having a romantic dinner, understand that you may have thoughts about the porn and you may question if he is thinking about the porn while you spend time together. For men, usually their porn use is separate from the relationship and used as non-attachment and impersonal fulfillment of pleasure. Enjoy every moment you spend with your boyfriend, and know that he's enjoying every moment too.

Define what cheating means to you. You do not think of porn as cheating or you do think of it as cheating. Some men and women are not okay with porn and know how they feel about it being in a relationship. If you are uncomfortable and feel like his excitement of watching other women engage in sexual acts is cheating, then that may mean you are not okay with the porn. Do not feel like you have to rationalize his porn use and discount your feelings. If you feel that it is not cheating, then you probably just think of it as a pleasurable movie, the videos do not pose a threat to your relationship and you may define cheating as being something you can only do with a real person. Your definition of cheating matters, and understanding what your partner's definition of cheating is will help you feel more secure in your relationship or find points where you both will need to find compromise.

Ask yourself if you have any objections to having porn in your relationship. If you have values that don't align with the genre of porn he watches, communicate that.^[2] If you feel like the porn has a negative effect on your trust for him (if he was hiding it from you) then understand that the porn may not be the core issue, dishonesty could be the primary issue to deal with. It is essential to understand your own feelings and beliefs, and ask yourself if you can see yourself in a long term relationship with your partner and not having an issue with porn. It's important to be honest with yourself an d be clear with your partner.

• If you are triggered by porn and have insecurity because it brings you to your past, you may want to explore yourself further and see if porn is the issue or if there is trauma you need to work through. If you have a hard time sorting through your feelings about the porn, seeking a friend who is understanding may help. If you feel that you can't consult a friend, there is professional help or advice online and in person available. It is okay to feel like you are okay with porn and then later feel not okay with it. People change everyday, and getting to know yourself while getting to know another person in a relationship can be difficult.
• Identify your insecurities, if any of them root directly to porn and the nature of porn, then you may not be okay with porn itself. If the insecurities you have go back to dishonesty, trust, or intimacy, you should consider bypassing pornography as being an irritant to the initial, core problem.
• If you have had cheating boyfriend in the past, or your boyfriend has cheated on you, you may feel like porn is a window for cheating, or that he may still be cheating on you.