How to Avoid Catching Feelings for Your FWB

Co-authored by Christina Jay, NLP and Madeleine Flamiano

Last Updated: May 9, 2022 References

Want to have fun with a FWB without getting attached? There are tons of ways to enjoy a friendship with benefits and avoid complicating things. All you have to do is follow some simple steps to make it clear that you want to stay casual. If you want to experiment with a FWB without falling in love, read on. Here, you'll learn how to find the right FWB and have a good time without catching feelings.

1

Choose a FWB you don’t want to date.

Pick someone with a few flaws, so you won't get attached. Choose someone you don’t see a future with. Maybe their sense of humor is different than yours or they don’t have the same goals. If you aren’t romantically interested in them, they’d actually be great as a FWB. As long as they’re attractive, friendly, and respectful, that’s all that matters.^{[1]
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- It’s okay if you don’t have a lot in common, like specific interests or hobbies.
- It’s great to have a lot of chemistry or to feel really primal around this person.
- Look for someone who isn’t in your immediate friend group. That way, you won’t run into them a lot.

2

Be clear about what you want.

Chat about boundaries so you’re both on the same page. Let your FWB know that you want to stay casual. Also point out that you aren’t looking for a relationship. Check in and confirm that they want that situation, too. Make sure you both get tested for STIs and share your sexual health statuses. Talk about your expectations and make a list of your agreements.^{[2]
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- Hold onto your list so you can refer back to it and know what’s expected.
- Tell each other if one or both of you plan to have multiple sex partners.
- Talk about safe sex practices, like using condoms and birth control.
- Share your fantasies and what you both like to do in bed.
- Discuss consent each and every time you have sex.

3

Stay off their social media profiles.

It’s best not to get curious about what your FWB is up to. Avoid adding your FWB as a friend on any of your social media platforms. Also keep yourself from looking your FWB up online and scrolling through their profiles. It’ll be easier not to fantasize about your FWB or see them as someone you want to pursue if you don’t do any extra digging.^{[3]
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- Just focus on your own passions, goals, and social life.
- Keep your profile set on “private” so your FWB can’t get intel about you.
- If you don’t “stalk” your FWB online, you won’t be likely to obsess over them.

4

Decide on the level of friendship you want.

Talk about whether hanging out is an option. Discuss if you’ll only text about hookups or if it’s okay to chat and share memes. Talk about whether it’s cool to grab coffee every once in a while or if that would just get confusing. Once you two share your limits and what you’re comfortable with, your situation will be easy to navigate.^{[4]
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- Remind your FWB of your agreements if they forget any of the details.
- Even if you hang out, it’s best not to call your FWB when you feel emotionally vulnerable.
- When you need to vent, reach out to your friends so they can support you.

5

Have sex that’s fun and casual.

Just let off some steam without getting sentimental. Stick to a style of sex that’s exciting and that you don’t attach a lot of meaning to. Avoid being really sensual with your FWB or you’ll start to bring emotions into the dynamic. When you’re intimate with your FWB, it should feel purely physical.^{[5]
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- You might want to both avoid looking deeply into each other’s eyes.
- It’s probably a good idea not to pet or caress each other.
- Just use your time in bed for enjoyment and stress relief.

6

Skip long cuddle sessions.

After you’re done, don’t get too cozy or affectionate. It’s okay to hug each other, but it shouldn’t be too long—under 10 seconds is good. Then, roll over and do something else. Thank them, grab some water, and get ready to leave. You’ll both get the hint that this wasn’t serious.^{[6]
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- When you cuddle for 10 seconds or more, you’ll both release oxytocin, love hormones.^{[7]
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- Love hormones will promote attachment and emotional highs you want to avoid.
- Instead of snuggling up to your FWB, try a quick kiss on the cheek.

7

Avoid pet names.

These terms should only be used for future SOs. It’s definitely important to be respectful with each other, but cute nicknames like “honey” or “sweetheart” will make you feel like you’re a couple. Just use their first name when you talk to them. Here are some examples:^{[8]
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- “Hey, nice to see you, Jamie!”
- “That was really fun, Skyler!”
- “See you later, Matt!”

8

Flirt with them a lot.

Keep the fun spark in your FWB dynamic. Pay attention to how attractive your FWB is and feel free to compliment them. When you text them, keep your tone sexual. Also throw in suggestive emojis. It’s totally fine to boost your FWB’s ego with comments like:^{[9]
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- “Wow! You’re such a bombshell!”
- “Look at you, abs of steel!”
- “Can’t wait for you to come over! 🤤🍆💦”

9

Stick to chats about your next encounter.

Keep your convos short and things will stay chill. Even if you think it’d be nice to stay around and talk, you and your FWB might get too close. Instead of watching a movie together or discussing random topics, just ask your FWB when they’ll be free again. If they’re not sure, tell them you’ll follow up about your next hookup and head out.^{[10]
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- Don’t bring an overnight bag or sleep over. It’s best to just go home and relax.
- Thank your FWB for letting you over or coming over, then say your goodbyes.
- Practice some self-care, like yoga or a bubble bath, after your casual encounter with a FWB.

10

Never introduce your FWB to your friends.

You won’t blur the lines or look like a serious couple. Avoid inviting your FWB to social events or get-togethers. If you can, remain totally discreet and don’t discuss your arrangement with anyone. Also limit being seen in public with each other. If no one gets the idea that you two are romantically attached, then you won’t be seen as an “item.”^{[11]
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- If you don’t go out with your FWB, it’ll also be easier for others to pursue you.
- If your friends don’t meet your FWB, then they won’t encourage you two to date.
- It’s okay to talk about your FWB with a couple people you really trust.
- When you give some details to your confidantes, keep your FWB anonymous.

11

See other people.

Keep your options open so you can protect your heart. If you’re not exclusive with your FWB, then neither of you will get the impression that you’re “together.” Be upfront with them and say that you’re both free to date. As long as you’re honest and transparent, it’s fine to have another FWB or explore new romantic connections. Until you’ve met the right match, you’re just checking what’s out there for you.^{[12]
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- If you both aren’t jealous of other people, it’s a sign your arrangement works.
- If your FWB makes you feel less "needy" because you’re already getting your sexual desires met, others might be more attracted to you.
- Make sure to discuss expectations and safe sex with anyone you get involved with.

12

End your fling before it can get serious.

All no-strings-attached arrangements have an expiration date. Decide on a time frame for your fling—like 3 to 6 months—and stick to it. Leave your FWB when you still feel calm, care-free, and casual. If you find yourself developing a little bit more than a crush, it’s best to stop your fling earlier than you expected to. That way, you’ll walk away on good terms before anything gets complicated.^{[13]
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- Lust lasts for 3-6 months. That's a good time frame to stay with a FWB.
- Remember that you chose your FWB because you weren’t a romantic match.
- Appreciate all the good times and fun you had with your FWB.
- Decide on what you’ll do next—maybe you’re ready to date or you want to stay single.
- Ultimately, when you move on, just focus on what makes you happy.