How to Be an English Gentleman

Co-authored by Tami Claytor

Last Updated: June 10, 2022 References Approved

Traditionally, an English gentleman was the lowest rank of the gentry, similar to the French nobleman. Today, the term has come to mean someone who is courteous, true to his word, and well-styled, though the style is not the most important part of being a gentleman. Being chivalrous, putting people at ease, and learning proper values are more important.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Being Chivalrous

1
Show politeness to show your refinement. Being chivalrous seems outdated to many people. However, at it's base, chivalry just means being polite to other people. It doesn't even need to be based on gender. Politeness goes across all boundaries, and it's a large part of being an English gentleman, as English gentlemen are meant to be refined. In fact, it's right there in the title, gentleman.^{[1]
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- A contemporary English gentleman treats the women in his life with politeness and chivalry, while at the same time, recognizes that a woman is an independent, intelligent person.^{[2]
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- Be friendly and engaging to everyone you encounter. Make eye contact and smile.
2
Give up your seat if someone is standing. If someone is standing, particularly if it's someone who has less capability to stand for long periods, such as an elderly person, it's chivalrous to give your seat up. An English gentleman would never sit if someone near him needed a seat. Traditionally, gentlemen always gave up their seats for women in the room, but today, politeness dictates doing so for anyone who may need it.^{[3]
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3
Hold doors open for people. That is, never just let a door slam on someone behind you, no matter who they are. At least let them catch the door. A better option is to actually stand back and hold the door so they can pass through ahead of you.^{[4]
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- True English gentlemen put aside childish behavior, like not taking the time to hold open a door.^{[5]
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4
Take care of people. Of course, it's not your responsibility to take care of every problem for every single person in your life. However, part of being a gentleman is being willing to step up and help when you can do so. Take the time to figure out what people need, and offer help as you can.^{[6]
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- For instance, if you notice someone is struggling with their bags, offer to lend a hand.
- If a family member has a car break down, offer to come help.
- George Bernard Shaw noted that a true English gentleman gives more to the world and other people than he takes away.^{[7]
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5
Mean what you say, and say what you mean. If you've ever heard the term "a gentleman's agreement," then you understand the meaning behind this directive. An English gentleman's agreement relies on the fact that the two men are honorable and will hold to their word. The point is, if you give your word as a gentleman, you have a duty to follow through.^{[8]
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- In fact, the phrase "gentleman's agreement" appeared in print as early as 1821, in the British Parliamentary records, meaning the phrase originated with the British.^{[9]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Acting Like a Modern Gentleman

1
Be on time. Punctuality is a gentlemanly value because it shows you value the time of the people around you. Therefore, to show you are a gentleman, make sure you are always where you will say you will be at the time you say you will be, with the exceptions of emergencies, of course.^{[10]
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- Being on time also includes calling when you say you will.
2
Take the embarrassment out of situations. That is, try to keep others at ease by making situations embarrassment-proof, if possible. For example, say you are at dinner with some friends who don't know to put their napkins in their laps. Instead of pointing it out or pointedly placing yours in your lap, leave your napkin on the table as they do, to avoid embarrassing them.^{[11]
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- The idea also holds for guests. Make it so the guest is always right and feels comfortable in your home. For instance, if they leave towels on the floor in the bathroom, don't say, "Why would you leave towels on the floor?" Just quietly pick them up, and put them in the laundry.
- Oscar Wilde defined an English gentleman as a person "who never hurts someone's feelings unintentionally," which is why this step helps to make you an English gentleman.
3
Get people to talk about themselves. A mark of a true gentleman is humility. That means not bragging about your accomplishments, as well as not hogging conversations. When having a conversation with someone, ask them questions to get them talking instead of going on and on about yourself.^{[12]
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- For example, you could say, "Tell me about yourself," "What do you do for a living?" "How was your day?" or "What have you been reading lately?"
4
Don't be showy with what you have. If you are a wealthy person, don't be showy about it. Don't flaunt the fact that you have wealth. Even if you aren't a wealthy person, try not to flaunt when you get something new. This idea goes back to putting others at ease, as showing a person what they don't have can make them uncomfortable.^{[13]
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- For instance, if you get a new car, don't post it all over social media. If someone mentions they got a new job, don't try to one-up them with your job or salary.
- Robert Smith Surtees, a 19th-century novelist and editor, noted that anyone who talks too much about being an English gentleman isn't one, and the same applies to being ostentatious.^{[14]
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5
Be fair. An English gentleman doesn't cheat his friends or his enemies. If you play a game, follow the rules, rather than ruthlessly trying to get away with cheating. Also, treat those around him with equal fairness. For instance, don't favor an employee at work just because you're better friends with that employee. Rather, base promotions on merit and hard work.^{[15]
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6
Try not to cause a fuss. As a guest, an English gentleman is polite and proper and always defers to his host. In other words, you should be the perfect guest. Don't make a fuss about what should be served at dinner, for instance. Rather, you should happily eat what's served at the meal, even if it's not your favorite food, with compliments to the chef.^{[16]
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7
Pay attention to potential problems. One way to put people at ease is to anticipate problems and take care of them before they come into play. For instance, if you know someone is down on their luck with finances, invite them to a more modest place you know they can afford when you have dinner with them. Even better, invite them over to your house for dinner. This type of consideration also applies to things that you know make people uncomfortable. For instance, if you know your friend prefers to have their back to the wall when out in public, always offer them that seat.^{[17]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Learning Proper Values

1
Make generosity a part of your day-to-day life. Being generous doesn't mean that you need to give away handfuls of cash every day, though it can, of course, mean being open with the resources you have at your disposable. However, it also means being generous with your time, love, and support, in such a way that you make the people in your life feel like they are valued.^{[18]
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- In other words, make time for the people in your life. Tell them you like them, love them, and value them often. Show you care by acting out small kindnesses, such as having a cup of coffee ready when a person gets up, warming up the car ahead of time, or bringing someone flowers just because.
- Part of being generous is to give without expectation of it being reciprocated. Part of the definition of an English gentleman is one who is able to give more than he takes.
2
Stand your ground. When it comes to moral decisions, a gentleman will stand his ground. In other words, you don't take the easy way out by skirting the rules, nor would you bend on a decision if it would harm other people in some way. Basically, you need a moral code, and you need to stick to it.^{[19]
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3
Be a hard worker. While a strictly old-fashioned definition of an English gentleman would be someone who didn't work, a more modern definition usually means someone who is willing to work hard for the things he wants in life. It's an unwillingness to take "no" for an answer. You must be willing to overcome the obstacles that life throws at you with class and grace.^{[20]
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4
Consider traveling. While traveling does take some money, it provides you with invaluable lessons about the world, including how to get along with a wide variety of people from differing backgrounds. Learning about the world will only help you appreciate it more, as well as teach you the injustices you need to fight against.^{[21]
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- While English gentleman traditionally referred to a gentry class person, it now has the meaning of any well-bred, educated person. Traveling can help you achieve those qualities.
5
Speak the language. While speaking well isn't necessarily a value, it often does distinguish an English gentleman. An English gentleman phrases things in polite ways that may come off as slightly stilted to some ears, just because it's a bit formal. For instance, you might say "Pleased to meet your acquaintance," rather than "Nice to meet you."
- Be as natural as possible. Avoid putting on airs.
- Don't use profanity.

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Dressing Like a Gentleman

1
Find a nice, slim-fitting jacket. A suit jacket can cover a wide variety of occasions, particularly if it's in a nice fabric. Pick one that's slim-fitting, as that's more the modern style. If you aren't sure where to begin, consider getting fitted at an upscale suit shop where they can measure you and find the right jacket for you.
- A jacket should be form-fitting at the shoulders, though it shouldn't be so snug that it makes the jacket ride up or down.^{[22]
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- If you don't have the funds for a brand-new jacket, you can pick up some really nice ones at thrift shops. The only problem is you'll need to spend some time hunting around to find one that fits you and that is made from a decent fabric.
2
Choose dressy pants. Traditionally, English gentlemen wore high-waisted pants. While the high-waisted part is optional, when wearing a suit jacket, pick an appropriate pair of trousers. They can be made from the same material as the jacket, or they can be made from a complementary neutral color for a more casual look. You can even get away with a nice pair of jeans, depending on the occasion.^{[23]
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3
Add a pair of suspenders. Nothing says old English style like a pair of suspenders. However, it's not just about looking good. Suspenders don't cut into your waist like a belt can do. You can find suspenders at almost any shop that sells suits, though you may also hunt around at your local thrift stores for a lucky find.^{[24]
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4
Consider a waistcoat. "Waistcoat" is just a fancy word for a suit vest, which goes under the suit jacket but over the suspenders. Like the suit jacket, it should be slim-fitting, hugging your shoulders and chest. You shouldn't have gaps at the shoulders. Of course, you still need room to breathe. Also, the buttons of a waistcoat should be buttoned, with the exception of the bottom button, which can be left undone.^{[25]
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- Usually, the waistcoat will match your jacket. Sometimes, they will be made out of the same material, though other times they will just match in color.
5
Add the details. A tie or bow-tie makes any jacket a little fancier, so pick one in a complimentary color, preferably of the hand-tied variety. You should also add a handkerchief that matches the tie in your jacket pocket. Cuff links also make a nice addition, adding a bit of subtle glamor.
- Shoes are also important. Pick a dressy shoe in a complementary color. Brogues are traditional English shoes and make a good choice if you can't decide.^{[26]
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6
Be yourself. While finding a good style is important, a gentleman is able to make his own style. In other words, it's not necessarily about finding the latest trend. Rather, it's about finding what works for you and then wearing it well. Part of wearing something well is to make sure everything you wear is in good condition (no holes or stains) and to wear it with confidence.^{[27]
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- Wear clean, pressed, well-fitting clothes.
7
Dress for the occasion. While it can be fun to dress the part of a well-dressed English gentleman, always keep the occasion in mind. Wearing a suit, tie, vest, and suspenders to an informal barbecue is going to look a little strange. In other words, keep it classy, but don't overdo it.^{[28]
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- On the other hand, if you're invited to an event that calls for black or white tie, make sure to dress that part, too. That is, dress up by wearing a tuxedo and the required white or black tie.
- Remember that part of being a gentleman is dressing appropriately for the occasion.

Community Q&A

Question

Am I allowed to be mysterious and cold outdoors?

Community Answer

You can, but be careful. An English gentleman is never rude.
Question

Wouldn't abstinence from coarse language be an essential part of being a gentleman?

Tom De Backer

Top Answerer

Being a gentleman also means you're a strong, confident and independent man. Gentlemen set their boundaries and politely but firmly stop others from crossing them. Though a gentleman would indeed not swear, he would not hesitate to use firm language to end any infraction on his honor. "Now listen here, sir! I take offense at your behavior and will not have any more of it!"
Question

Isn't the current "two sizes too small" look of men's suits extreme? I would think that a gentleman would tend toward moderation and tradition in suits, jackets, and trousers.

ReebokBeebok

Community Answer

The current look is simply fashion. Traditionally a larger fit was more fashionable. In the end, though, the size and cut of one's suit is personal preference - if you prefer a more "moderate" look then that's still fine. Remember that in this day and age, wearing any suit is deemed gentlemanly!