How to Comfort Your Friend

Co-authored by Tracy Carver, PhD and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: March 23, 2022 References Approved

Who do you turn to when things go wrong? Your friends can offer a great sense of comfort and support, especially when you’re feeling down. Knowing exactly how to comfort your friend and what to say isn’t always easy, and you might be feeling a little tongue-tied. Fortunately, it's possible to comfort a friend and help them feel better without things being awkward or uncomfortable. Keep reading to learn all kinds of different ways you can comfort a friend when they're feeling down.

1

Find out what the problem is.

If you aren’t sure, ask your friend what’s wrong. It’s not always easy to figure out why your friend is upset, so it’s best to just ask them what’s wrong. If your friend is hesitant to tell you, let them know that you aren’t going to judge, and that you’ll be here to help them no matter what.^{[1]
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- Try something like, “Hey, what’s going on? I can tell you’re upset. I promise I won’t judge you; I just want to know how I can help.”

2

Ask your friend how they’re feeling.

Try not to assume you know what’s going through their head. If they just went through something upsetting, they might be feeling angry, sad, hurt, or even uncomfortable. Ask your friend to open up to you about their feelings so you can understand them a little better.^{[2]
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- You might say, “That sounds really tough. How are you doing?”
- Or, “You’re handling things really well. How are you feeling?”

3

Listen to them talk.

Sometimes the best way to comfort someone is to be quiet. Let your friend talk as much (or as little) as they want to, and try not to interrupt. The more you let them spill their heart out to you, the better they’ll feel.^{[3]
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- Put away any distractions and give your friend your full attention while you two chat.
- Nod along and make eye contact to show that you’re listening and encourage them to talk more.

4

Validate their feelings.

Tell your friend that however they’re feeling is okay. When you go through a tough time, you sometimes feel a wide range of emotions, which can be confusing. Let your friend know that you aren’t judging them, and however they feel is totally valid.^{[4]
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- Say something like, “It makes sense that you’d feel that way,” or, “I totally understand where you’re coming from.”

5

Express your concern for them.

Show your friend that you care by expressing your emotions. Let your friend know that you’re sorry about their situation. Hearing someone’s concern might make your friend feel better, and it will show that you want the best for them. Even a simple, “I’m sorry that you’re going through this,” can really bring them a sense of peace.^{[5]
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- You could also try, “This sounds really hard—I’m sorry.”

6

Give an example of your own tough time.

It can be helpful to tell your friend that you relate. Try bringing up a tough time that you went through recently, and share just how hard it was for you. You don’t want to spend a ton of time on your own story (since that can make it seem like you aren’t listening to your friend), but bringing it up briefly can be comforting.^{[6]
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- You might say, “I understand how you’re feeling. When I broke up with my girlfriend, I was so sad that I barely got out of bed for a week.”

7

Ask your friend what you can do.

They might have a suggestion for how you can help. Maybe they want you to take care of a few chores around the house for them, or maybe they just need you to sit in silence with them. Check in with your friend before you do anything to make sure that you’re doing the right thing.^{[7]
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- You can ask by simply saying, “Is there anything I can do?” or, “What would make you feel better right now?”

8

Make time to check in with them often.

Your friend might not feel better after one day. If you have to head home or you aren’t going to see them again for a little while, make an effort to text, call, or hang out with them often. Remind them that you’re there for them, and see if they need any help as they start to feel better.^{[8]
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- You can send a quick text that says, “Hey, just checking in. How are you feeling today?”
- Or, “I’m in the neighborhood, wondering if I could stop by.”

9

Encourage them to practice self care.

Tell your friend to do one nice thing for themselves today. It can be something small, like drinking a cup of coffee or putting on a soothing face mask. Whatever it is, a little act of self care is sure to make them feel better, if only for a little while.^{[9]
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- You could also tell your friend to take a walk, play with a pet, have food delivered, or read a good book.

10

Offer practical help.

Ask your friend if they need help with groceries or chores. If your friend is super sad, they might not have the energy to go do things that they normally would, like shopping or cleaning the house. If you have time, ask your friend if they need any assistance, then run an errand or do some chores for them.^{[10]
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- Bring it up by saying something like, “Hey, I’m heading to the store later. Is there anything I could grab for you while I’m there?”
- Or, “You’re probably feeling pretty drained. Why don’t you rest while I clean up a little?”

11

Plan a fun night in.

Cheer your friend up with a game night or a movie. If your friend doesn’t feel like going anywhere, head to their place and watch something on Netflix or play a few board games. Simply having your company might be enough to make them feel better!^{[11]
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- If you can’t get together in person, try watching a movie “together” virtually via Netflix’s or Hulu’s Watch Party feature.

12

Make them dinner.

Enjoy a nice meal with your friend to make sure they’re eating. When you’re sad, it’s easy to forget basic things, like eating dinner. Head over to your friend’s house and cook them up something delicious, like pasta, chicken, or steak. Then, enjoy each other’s company and chat, or simply sit in silence as you eat.^{[12]
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- You could also order your friend takeout and have it delivered to their home.

13

Bring your friend a nice treat.

A coffee or a dessert might be just the pick-me-up they need. If you’re on your way to your friend’s house, stop by a local store and pick them up something fun, then bring it with you. Hopefully, a sweet surprise will cheer your friend up, if only a little bit.^{[13]
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- If you live far away from your friend, Venmo them a couple of dollars and tell them to go buy a coffee or a fun pastry.

14

Send them a sweet text.

Pick a message that will make them laugh or smile. If you can’t see your friend in-person that day, try sending them a goofy meme or a cute animal photo. Or, shoot them a message telling them how much they mean to you and how good of a friend they are. Hopefully, it will help them feel just a little bit better.^{[14]
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- You might say something like, “Just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking about you, and I love you!”

15

Encourage your friend to seek help.

Your friend might benefit from seeing a mental health professional. If you’ve comforted them as much as you can but they’re still going through a tough time, tell them to talk to a counselor or therapist. A professional can help them utilize coping skills and come up with specific advice for their situation.^{[15]
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- You can gently suggest this by saying something like, “Hey, I noticed you still seem pretty down. Have you ever considered counseling? I’ve done it before, and it really helped me when I was going through a tough time.”

Expert Q&A
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Question

How can I convince my friend to go to therapy?

Tracy Carver, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Tracy Carver is an award-winning Licensed Psychologist based in Austin, Texas. Dr. Carver specializes in counseling for issues related to self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and psychedelic integration. She holds a BS in Psychology from Virginia Commonwealth University, an MA in Educational Psychology, and a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from The University of Texas at Austin. Dr. Carver also completed an internship in Clinical Psychology through Harvard University Medical School. She was voted one of the Best Mental Health Professionals in Austin for four years in a row by Austin Fit Magazine. Dr. Carver has been featured in Austin Monthly, Austin Woman Magazine, Life in Travis Heights, and KVUE (the Austin affiliate for ABC News).

Tracy Carver, PhD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

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I don't think this is a realistic goal in a lot of cases. If you've been to therapy before and it has helped you out, sharing that experience may get them to see the potential benefit. But just pushing someone to go get help if they aren't ready for help isn't going to be a productive exercise.
Question

How can I tell if my friendship is toxic? They only ever lean on me for comfort.

Tracy Carver, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Tracy Carver is an award-winning Licensed Psychologist based in Austin, Texas. Dr. Carver specializes in counseling for issues related to self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and psychedelic integration. She holds a BS in Psychology from Virginia Commonwealth University, an MA in Educational Psychology, and a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from The University of Texas at Austin. Dr. Carver also completed an internship in Clinical Psychology through Harvard University Medical School. She was voted one of the Best Mental Health Professionals in Austin for four years in a row by Austin Fit Magazine. Dr. Carver has been featured in Austin Monthly, Austin Woman Magazine, Life in Travis Heights, and KVUE (the Austin affiliate for ABC News).

Tracy Carver, PhD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

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How do you feel when you're around them? Do you get a sense that they love and appreciate you, or do you get the vibe that they're kind of just using you to feel better? In a lot of cases, the way they make you feel is all you really need to know.
Question

My friend is a guy and I like him. What should I do if I want to tell him that it's OK, but I'm nervous and don't really know what to say?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

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First, review the article, "Comfort Your Friend." There are a lot of good ideas in it for how to be there for someone in pain or upset. The rules aren't different for a guy friend! Just be there; encourage him to talk; accept what he has to say; and reflect back some of what you are hearing. Now, if you like him at the same time, keep in mind that when he is upset or hurt is not the time to share your feelings for him. Save that for a later time when he is feeling better. Give him the space now that he needs. Best of luck!