How to Convince Your Spouse to Follow Your Expectations

Co-authored by Kemar & DeAnne Johnson

Last Updated: January 31, 2023

Someone said the greatest asset of any person is a supportive partner. How do you build and maintain such a relationship?

Steps

1
Lead by example. Your partner will observe your habits and behaviors and begin to imitate them. If you ignore your spouse and let your temper fly off the hook, your spouse will react poorly to you. If you show respect and affection, your partner will return the same to you. Make decisions that are in the best interest of both. No person can be ordered to do the bidding of another, but he or she may consent to follow in a loving relationship.
2
Respect your partner. Your spouse did not vow to become your slave. You did not promise to follow his or her bidding either. When your spouse does not do as you wish, you should always respond with respect and love, never hostility. When you were married, you made certain vows of loyalty: to honor, love, cherish and so on. By your selfless behavior, convince your spouse of your sincere loyalty and respect.

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3
Speak uplifting words. Never put down your spouse. Support your partner in public and in private. Speak words of blessing, never find fault. When you ask your partner to do something, use a tone of voice filled with respect and affection. Use words that allow your partner to make his or her own decision, and not feel coerced or manipulated. Speak as you want your partner to speak to you.
4
Listen. The true secret of effective communication is not knowing how to express yourself, but learning attentiveness. When your spouse begins to speak, say, "Just a moment." Turn off all distractions, face your partner, make eye contact, then say, "Go ahead. I'm listening." It is possible to hear words and not actually be listening mentally. Listen to both the words and intent of your partner. Listen as you want your partner to listen to you.
- When listening to your spouse, aim to understand their point of view. Understand the whole story before passing judgment or offering an idea.
- Saying things like "I see," "Please continue," or "I hear you" signals to your spouse that you are listening, without requiring you to commit to an opinion.
5
Enjoy yourself. Lighten up. If every moment of every day is heavy and somber, you need to consider changing your style of approach to subjects. Spend time with your spouse when you do not discuss "business". Designate a time of day or place that you talk only about personal matters. Your partner needs a break from decision-making in order to make clear-headed decisions.
6
Offer a sense of security. Build a home environment where it is safe to disagree. Encourage your spouse to experience personal development and independent growth. A healthy relationship is not about dominance of one person or bending the will of another, but individuals coming to an agreement to submit to each other.

Community Q&A

Question

What can I do if my husband doesn't seem to want to be romantic with me?

Community Answer

Don't force him into it, but talk to him about your feelings.
Question

I have a bad habit of speaking nicely to my fiance when I'm in a good mood, but being rude to him when I'm in a bad mood. How do I overcome this?

Patti

Community Answer

Being aware of this is a positive first step. Perhaps you might sit down with your fiance and talk to him about what you have realized. He will undoubtedly be aware of this. You could ask him to help you, and constructively point out your negative behavior when it happens. Then when you're behaving this way, you can apologize to him and try to adjust your attitude. You can also try to find more constructive ways to handle your negative emotions, like working out, listening to music, doing some kind of art project, etc.
Question

How can I convince my husband to have a baby?

Community Answer

Both parties must consent. Having a baby is a big responsibility, and your husband may not feel you're in the best position to do so, or maybe he's simply not ready to be a father. Talk to him and try to understand what he's feeling.

Expert Interview

Thanks for reading our article! If you'd like to learn more about spouses relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Kemar & DeAnne Johnson.