How to Date Secretly when You Are a Tween or Teen

Co-authored by Abby Rosenblum

Last Updated: January 4, 2023 References

Whatever the reasons for your wanting to date secretly, you should be aware of the potential risks before you make any hasty decisions. In the face of those risks, if you still believe the relationship to be worth it, you might be surprised at some techniques you could use to resolve your parents' issues with dating. But if you find your parents unwilling to accept your romantic partner, there are ways you can protect your privacy so you can date without interference from overbearing parents.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Understanding the Risks

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Contemplate the consequences of hiding your relationship. Especially if your parents have expressly forbidden you from dating, if they find out that you have disobeyed their rule you can get in serious trouble. This can damage your parents' trust in you, which will take time and effort to rebuild. Damaged trust might make it even harder for you to date when you are older and have more freedom.
- There's nothing wrong with starting to date young. However, though you may be excited to start dating as a teen, your young age will limit what you can do with your partner. Damaging your parents' trust early on might make it harder to enjoy dating when you have more options available when you're a little bit older.
2
Recognize the potential for unplanned pregnancy. Your teenage years are a time of change, and it's only natural for your emotions to be strong and difficult to control. This includes your emotions concerning your romantic partner. Feelings of love can lead to sex, and although safe sex dramatically reduces the chances of an unplanned pregnancy, there's still a chance you could get pregnant.^{[1]
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- An unplanned pregnancy will change all of your future plans. You'll no longer be able to pursue your dreams alone, you'll also have to take into account your child and how you will provide for and raise it.
- Depending on a state, as a minor (person under 18), your parents may have the power to make decisions for you concerning your unborn child. This situation could result in you having to go along with your parents' wishes.^{[2]
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3
Realize that secrets can cause stress.^{[4]
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Research source} Keeping something secret might be fun for a while, but it can lead to feelings of guilt and stress in both you and your partner. Stress can cause many negative effects to your health, like stomach problems, heart problems, emotional problems, tension, a weak immune system, and more.^{[5]
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- Your decision to keep your relationship a secret won't only affect you, it will also affect the person you care about. Even if you and your partner feel comfortable keeping your relationship a secret in the beginning, you should check with your partner as time passes to make sure the effects of stress aren't having a negative impact.
4
Understand some people aren't who you think. While at this point in your relationship things might be going well, there's always the chance that your partner isn't who you think. In the heat of the moment, you might be pressured into doing something you're not ready for, and if you're keeping your relationship a secret, you might feel like you have to keep this a secret from your parents as well.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Abby Rosenblum
Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 20 October 2021.}
- In some cases, this might lead to you staying silent about rape or abuse instead of seeking help or reporting your partner to prevent it from happening to someone else. Speaking out about rape or abuse can be difficult, but you are not to blame.^{[7]
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Consider the feelings of your partner. Keeping your relationship a secret might make your partner feel unimportant. In some cases, your partner might even feel like you're embarrassed about your relationship. This can lead to unhealthy stress, which could have a negative effect on your relationship.
- You should think about whether you're really giving your relationship a fair shot by keeping it secret. After all, the stress and potential negative feelings that could result from keeping it on the down-low might even cause your relationship to fail.^{[8]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Resolving Your Parents' Issues with Dating

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Explore the topic to understand their point of view. Even if you have traditional parents who are strict about things like dating, your parents had to get together for you to be born! This means that, on some level, they understand the basic need for romantic love.
- By showing your parents you want to understand and respect their point of view, they might interpret this as a sign you're mature enough to start dating. And even if they don't, by understanding their concerns, you can take steps to ease their fears.
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Address your parents' concerns. How you address parental concern will depend on your situation, but it's highly likely that showing maturity will help convince your parents you are old enough to date. When talking with your parents, you should ask them how you might prove to them you are ready to date, or if there is something you can do to make them feel more comfortable with the situation.
- Remember to take your parents' concerns seriously. In most cases, they are only looking out for your well-being. Although you're branching out and becoming your own person, you're still your parents' responsibility.
- Respond to parental suggestions seriously. If your parents ask you to show maturity by doing something and you fail to do it, it may reinforce their opinion that you're simply not ready to date.
3
Suggest potential compromises. Now that you've learned some of the reasons why your parents don't want you to date, think about how you might resolve those concerns. This might mean agreeing to check in with your parents by text message every hour you are on a date, or maybe it would make them feel more comfortable if you only went on dates in public places.
- You might be able to put your parents' minds at ease by doing something as simple as giving them your partner's, and your partner's parents', phone numbers. But before you give your parents the number, let your partner (and his or her parents) know first.^{[9]
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- Although it can be embarrassing, some especially strict parents might only be willing to allow you to date with a chaperon. Having one of your parents or one of your date's parents along on your date might be awkward, it's better than getting sick from stress and it's definitely better than no date at all.
4
Use a trusted adult to help talk to your parents. Sometimes, no matter how good your reasoning is, your parents won't take you seriously. Even though you're growing up, to your parents you're still their child, and it can be hard for your parents to accept your new, more adult perspective. In this case, you might talk with an adult you feel comfortable with, like an aunt, uncle, church leader, teacher, or school counselor, and ask if they can help you talk to your parents.
- You may want to try talking to your parents on your own first, even if you are certain they won't listen. This way, if your parents get upset that you've involved someone else, you can politely point out that you already tried to talk to them about it. Be respectful, as upsetting your parents might make things more difficult for you.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Dating Secretly

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Talk to your partner. Hiding things from your partner or not telling the whole truth about your situation can be unhealthy for your relationship.^{[10]
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Research source} Make sure your partner knows your situation and why you feel like you can't be honest with your parents. If your partner is still OK with dating secretively, you can discuss the boundaries you'll both need to respect to keep your parents from finding out.^{[11]
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- These boundaries will vary according to your situation. In a city, it's likely you'll have more anonymity than a rural area, which means you'll have less of a chance of someone spotting you with your partner.
- There's always the possibility that you'll bump into a friend, relative, or acquaintance, so you'll need to discuss how you expect to act in public and what your story is. You could claim you are simply friends, classmates working on a group project, or maybe you ran into each other and decided to hang out at the mall.
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Find a trustworthy outlet. Due to the fact that keeping your relationship a secret can cause severe stress, you might want to find at least one trustworthy person you can share your feelings with. This will give your feelings an outlet which should help decrease stress. However, choose your outlet wisely; there's always the chance that your outlet may let the cat out of the bag.
- Think about choosing an adult to confide in, like an aunt, uncle, or school counselor. You may trust your best friend with your life, but you never know when an argument or hurt feelings might lead to something being said.^{[12]
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Avoid posting about your relationship on social media. Word can spread very rapidly on social media. Even if you don't have any lovey-dovey pictures posted on your Facebook page, posting too many pictures of you and your partner together can also be suspicious.^{[14]
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- If you want to use social media to help keep track of milestones, fun times, birthdays, and so on, you could make a fake profile and keep it private from your personal life. Your partner might also make a profile so you can be "Facebook official" without anyone knowing.
4
Protect your phone, email, and social media with passwords. But not the same passwords! Your parents may even already know your favorite passwords, so you'll want to choose something different from the usual and difficult to guess to protect your privacy.^{[16]
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Research source} You might also want to come up with an excuse in case your parents become suspicious about why you suddenly have a new password on your phone when you never did before.
- To explain your new passwords, you might say something like, "The other day a friend of mine got pranked when someone got his phone. I don't want that happening to me, so I decided to put a password on my phone."
- Passwords can be difficult to remember. You might find it easier if you used a quote, lyric, or phrase that you'll never forget to create your password. Make your password even more difficult by using the first letter of each word and the number of words per line for lyrics, an example of which might look like:
  - Song: Somebody to Love, by Queen
    1^st line: Can anybody find me somebody to love → Cafmstl7 (the seven comes from the seven words contained in the first line)
5
Refrain from public displays of affection. This can be very difficult when you're with someone you really care about, but showing your affection in public could lead to someone seeing! Gossip in middle school and high school can be especially bad, and people talking about your PDA could lead to your parents finding out.
- You may find you have more privacy to physically show your affection to your special someone in secluded areas or places with poor visibility. For example, in a dark movie theatre or off the beaten path in a deserted park.
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Convince your parents your partner is a friend. This can be tricky. As your relationship grows and you become closer with your partner, it's only natural that you'll want to express your feelings physically, like by holding hands, hugging, kissing, and so on. You'll have to resist the urge to do so in front of your parents and others so your secret doesn't get out.
- This technique can be especially useful if you and your partner aren't big on public displays of affection. However, you shouldn't just assume your partner is OK with it; he or she might actually want to hold your hand without you knowing. Keep in good communication with your partner so you're not neglecting unspoken needs.^{[17]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do I calm my nerves before a date?

Louie Felix
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Louie Felix is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker, and the founder and CEO of Matchmaking VIP, a company which provides concierge-level matchmaking services to clients around the world. He is also the COO of Agape Matchmaking based in New York City. With almost 16 years of professional matchmaking and dating coaching experience, Louie has served as CEO for the United States' two largest matchmaking companies serving over 50,000 clients. He has been featured as an expert matchmaker for shows on E! Entertainment Television, WeTV and the CW. He was also recently acknowledged as a top 5 worldwide matchmaker by both the International Dating Conference and the Matchmakers Alliance. Louie was also selected as one of America's top 10 Relationship Experts for the Great Love Debate National Tour.

Louie Felix

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Be yourself! If you're really nervous, research some questions before your date or watch some YouTube videos on dating advice, as doing whatever you can to prepare yourself and educate yourself for that date will probably help with the nerves.

Warnings

There's always the chance that your parents will find out. You may want to have a plan for what you will say if your secret gets out.

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Keeping secrets, especially keeping things that are important to you a secret, can cause serious stress. This can be harmful for your health.

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It's easy to become wrapped up in someone when your feelings are so strong. Don't sacrifice important parts of yourself just to keep a date around.^{[18]
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